A couple of worries....

Thank you soooo much for the lovely comments about my montage!!!!! I was so touched to read them all! I'm so glad people liked it :)

I have some worries on my mind today, so I am here to try and vent them a little.

My ulcer-ish symptoms are not only still there, they are now getting worse. I went back to the doctor yesterday because my latest lot of medication is running out. She told me she was surprised that they haven't worked, and tells me that I now need to have an endoscopy so they can take a look and see what the heck is up with my stomach.

I am
scared
BRAINLESS
about it.

She has put on the request form that I am anxious about it, so they will give me sedation, but I have to be conscious to swallow the scope tube. Ugggggggggggggggh. I am sooooooo scared I'll gag and throw up but she assures me that I won't. Does she really KNOW though? Hmmm.

I don't know when the endoscopy will be though. I have to wait for a letter from the hospital, which could be next week or in several weeks. I have no idea of the waiting time. The doctor prescribed me more of the same drug I'm on (Omeprazole) which is inhibiting secretion of acid in my tummy. I googled and saw why she's surprised, because everywhere says it should allow ulcers to heal within 4 weeks, but occasionally some may need a further 4 weeks of treatment. I am about to complete 8 weeks of treatment. Which makes me nervous, to say the least. Today is worse than yesterday for symptoms, and yesterday was worse than the day before, and so on. Today I haven't had ANY time without pain or discomfort of some sort. I feel like there is a toothpick under my ribcage, but other times it just feels like a huge-a-rooney bruise along my ribs underneath. And it refers through my back which just hurts like something is pulling on it and won't let go. Being constantly aware of the sensations is adding to my anxiety about it, but that's probably just silly because anxiety may have been one of the major factors in the onset of it anyway. So I should try to NOT stress, but I don't really know how. I wish the waiting list would hurry up for my stress management. They said 4-6 months, so I guess I have a few left still.

My biggest fear has been cancer, but I am SO relieved to read that it's almost invariably in patients aged 45 or over, and cancer is fairly rare in any case out of all the conditions that might cause these symptoms. So that's a huuuuge weight off. I know I'm crazy. But since having kids, I have just got way more anxious about dying. My children NEEEED me. I can't die, not while they're growing up. So I find it nerve-wracking, the thought that anything might be wrong with me that could threaten my life. It frightens me what that would put them through during their childhood and youth. And I couldn't bear not to see them grow up, to know they would grow up without their mummy. It breaks my heart! But it's mainly just anxiety about stuff that isn't likely to happen (another thing I must work on!). It just means that when I have symptoms that don't go away like they're supposed to with treatment, and further investigation is needed, it makes me NERVOUS.

Urgh.

Okay, so that's worry #1 off my chest!

The other one is Arthur. He is having some food/poo issues right now. Yesterday I made a double appt with the doctor, one for me and one for Arthur. If you're eating you probably shouldn't read any more, haha! No, seriously. I am going to write about poo (really gross poo at that). Please feel free to stop reading now if you don't fancy it! Or maybe I should make all the words "poo" in a vibrant colour or something, so you guys can just scroll down till the bright coloured words have stopped happening, haha! ;) But that's too much of a faff really. I just want to get it off my chest and also make note of it for my "records".

For a week or so, he has been doing paler and paler poos, also looser and looser poos. He is really uncomfy doing them and seems to do like 2 enormous ones in a row, one right after the other, in the morning. And again in the afternoon. They are getting to be almost white in colour with a TON of wholemeal husk in them - that's the other issue, Arthur has suddenly become more faddy than EVER with food, and he pretty much won't eat anything except wholemeal bread, cheese, and anything full of sugar like biscuits and cakes (which is obviously a no-no for meals!). So in the morning he'll have wholemeal toast, now that he's refusing cereal and milk. Then cheese sandwiches on wholemeal bread - he won't touch white bread - for lunch (he'll pack these away big time!) and a couple of sugar-free gingerbread men (the best I can do for him re. his thing for biscuits and stuff), and then tea will usually be something I set in front of him that he completely refuses without even putting a touch of it to his lips, or I cave and he gets some form of wholemeal bread again. When I tell my friends this, they say, "Oh that's a good thing to be picky about! How healthy!" Which is really starting to annoy me! Mainly they are saying it because THEIR 2-year-old is refusing everything but chips or something, but as healthy as wholemeal bread is, it's NO fun when your entire diet is fibre and you are pooing husk and liquid. No fun.

Arthur has started to look a bit run-down lately too. He is tired a lot, though still perky and energetic for the mainstay. He has dark circles round his eyes all the time since his gastroenteritis, and he looks much more pale to me these days too. Sometimes he just plain doesn't look well. He is really bothered by the poos and has started to have a really horrid nappy rash, so I thought it was time I asked the doctor about it. I figured at first that it must just be his diet. Which by the way, I CANNOT change. I am trying everything! I have been cooking him soooo many different meals - things that have stuff he'll eat in them, things that are totally new, everything. He won't touch anything. I've tried letting him go hungry but he just gets SUPER hungry by the next meal and then takes one look at it and cries with this really anxious expression, like he is desperately wanting to eat because of how hungry he is, but he just can't eat what's in front of him, for some reason. It's not so much like he doesn't want to, as that he feels he CAN'T. I don't know what to do for him.

He does get a lot of breastmilk. Partly the breastfeeding is kind of getting in the way of a potential plot to fix things, the one that means he doesn't get to eat ANYTHING if he doesn't eat what is put in front of him. That's been recommended to me by a few people, but it's hard to implement while I'm still breastfeeding him. I do NOT want to wean him. I will cut his feeds down perhaps (temporarily) but they are now cut down as far as I'm willing - once in the morning, once at nap time and once at bedtime. He wants to nurse much more often than that and I don't want to limit him any more than I already am. I actually would prefer to nurse him on demand if only he was a good eater as well.

But aside from that side of breastfeeding, the rest of me is just thinking THANK GOD I am still breastfeeding my toddler! What a wonderful thing! It may well just be that he's being a pretty normal nearly-2-year-old and having a patch of faddy eating. It seems awfully common and some kids seem to survive MONTHS on one not-so-healthy food! I am just so relieved that Arthur gets breastmilk through the whole palava. Really I should relax more about his nutrition because he's getting a very rounded diet in breastmilk. Though obviously it's not enough for a toddler, on its own. But yeah. I am really thankful that I am still breastfeeding my toddler, and proud to be able to do that for him. I just hope he starts to improve soon because I am finding it absolutely exhausting to breastfeed two little ones as much as I am. Arthur has BIG feeds. And he'll also nurse if he gets hurt and needs extra special comfort. Sometimes he gets a lot of milk around a nap if he's unsettled and wakes before it's time for him to get up. Once or twice I have given him milk mid-morning or mid-afternoon in place of a normal snack (read: cookie!) because he's asked for it and it's healthier than a cookie (although he will sometimes eat a cereal bar). He occasionally eats peas, yoghurt and apple. But the few things he WAS eating before his tummy bug, like banana and fish fingers and stuff, he won't eat now.

Matthew feeds wonderfully - he pretty much goes 3 hours between feeds, but I sometimes offer it 2-hourly (more out of habit or convenience for going out somewhere or something, rather than him asking for it!). He does sometimes have phases where he wants to nurse 2-hourly, but more often he'll go 3 hours. He can be a bit fussy at the breast, and some of his feeds seem tiny but he seems satisfied and goes the normal 3-ish hours till the next feed. But I know he is taking more from me lately. He's 4 months old and getting bigger and hungrier! He definitely does not need solids yet and won't be offered them in any case till he's 6 months old. But the combination of both the boys and their intake from me is quite tiring, to say the least!

Anyway. I don't know why I'm going on about that. It's not like I want to wean either of them in any way, and I LOVE nursing them both. I just wish it wasn't so taxing on me, physically! I should probably take better care of myself but there is just never the time. I know it's a priority but seriously, there is just NEVER the time, priority or not. I can't make time that doesn't exist! I get 3 meals, don't worry. They aren't always that great because there is no time to make them, or we haven't got much food in the house because of no time to get food shopping. Or something. But I do get my meals.

Anyway. Arthur's poo. So the doctor thinks it might just be his current diet, and she said his faddiness is normal and will pass. And so will the weirdo poo, eventually. She gave me a pot and a little spatula and this morning I had to do the incredibly nauseating task of transferring awful awful poo into this little pot, yeeurrrgh! So we should get the results on Tuesday, but the doctor thinks there will be nothing to report. It's just in case he has some treatable bug or something. She thinks not though.

Anyway.

Now it's an hour or so later and I've eaten some yummy chicken and vegetable soup and wholemeal bread (which, amazingly, I can still face!) and watched Scrubs, which I LOVE. There was a Christian song playing at the end which I loved the sound of, and HOW cool is it that I can watch the credits roll, walk up the stairs to the computer, google the few words that I remembered from the song and instantly find the full lyrics and the name of the artist (Kutless - All of my words), and whip out my new music downloading software, do a quick search and now I sit here listening to that song as I type this! :) I also discovered that Kutless (who I've never heard of before) have done several songs that I have heard a lot on Christian radio stations and LOVED. I have sung some of them over and over, just the bits I know, to let my heart open to God and draw close to him to worship. I feel SO excited to have found those songs at last - not that I was even looking for them!

The ones that have really touched my heart are 'Arms of Love' (except the one I like is a different version than the one I found by Kutless) and 'All Who Are Thirsty'. And 'Better is One Day in Your Courts'. Love them. Ooh ooh, just did some more googling and more downloading (soooo quick!) and now I'm listening to loads of Vineyard music that I had forgotten about from my years as a new Christian. They make my whole heart throb and ache. But in a lovely way. And they are soothing my soul like nothing else.

So, listening to this lovely music as I type, and with my tummy more settled, and having just taken another break to nurse my tiny sleepy Mathie-boy by the light of the computer monitor and just watch his precious little face and his his lovely long eyelashes on his cheeks as he sleeps at my breast, and feel his soft new hair against my cheek as I snuggled him before I lay him down asleep... I just feel soft inside, in-love and beloved all at once.

And I wasn't even THINKING about God this evening - though I should have. With all that anxiety, God is the first place I should have turned, but it didn't even cross my mind. But he knew what I needed, and drew me close to him through quite an unlikely source. God is SO good :) I love him. And now I am going to bed! I'll update again when I can with the latest photos and some general news of little boys! My mummy and daddy are coming next week!!!!!!! Tuesday till Sunday. I can not wait. And my baby boy (the older one!) will be TWO in exactly two weeks. Which can't be true, but it is. So weird. Anyway, I'll be back soon!

Montage!

Finished my montage at LAST! I made like four different attempts but there kept being too many photos or not the right music, etc. I wanted to make something that I can look at when I am feeling down and see how amazingly blessed I have been over my life - I KNOW that will immediately lift my mood. I am trying to make lots of things to help me like this at the moment. So far the things I am trying are working :)

Anyway, it's kind of long (about 10 minutes!) but here it is if anyone is interested to see it:

Make an online slideshow at onetruemedia.com

I emailed it to my parents this evening, and just about 20 minutes ago after the boys were asleep for the night, I sat Neil down in front of the computer to watch it. He got as far as the bit where Arthur is born and suddenly started SOBBING! He pulled the headphones off and sobbed, "I can't watch it" I just held him and asked what was making him cry, and he managed to get out the words, "Dad can't see it" My poor Neil :( He did mop up and want to continue watching it after a while, and then he just laughed and cried at the photos, especially the cheeky ones of our monkey boy! Now he has gone to get pizza. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything, but you know men (?!) - he said he's fine. I felt kind of bad that I'd made him watch something that made him so upset! But he said it was just unexpected, to have all those emotions pop out suddenly, and that he guesses he's just got a lot of stuff going on under the surface. I hope he's dealing with things okay.... I get worried that I'm not helping him enough, I mean, HE'S helping me soooo much right now because it's a bit of a struggle for me, but he did just lose his father this year. I hope I'm doing enough to help him with it. I am a bit concerned that I'm not...

Anyway.

Arthur says more cute things, or just things that make me think what a big boy he's getting. He says, "Look a dat!" (Look at that!) with great excitement, at anything at everything, like say a paper muffin case in his hand, hehe! He says, "Ah-yah turn!" when he wants a toy that Matthew is playing with ;) I get a lot of commands these days - "Mummy, sit!" (pointing with index finger right ON the very square mm spot where I must sit my bottom!), "Mummy shing, shing 'Fair'" (he loves the song 'Animal Fair', mainly because I do incredibly silly sounds and actions with it that aren't actually the ones that go with it! He loves silliness. And farting sounds. *sigh* "Mummy, make toas'!" is another frequently heard phrase around here lately! Today Neil stumbled over something or other - I can't remember the situation exactly, but I said, "Aw Neil!" in a sort of mock exasperated tone - we have been having a lovely silly day today, messing around and gently mocking each other ;) Anyway, since then every time Neil has done something mildly clumsy (which happens a lot!), this little voice pipes up, "Aw, Neil!" hehehe!

I'm getting really quite broody. *sigh* Maybe it's all these new pregnancies around me lately? It's sooooo crazy of me, I'm half annoyed with MYSELF really! I can't shove it down anymore though, not like I could when it was just a mild wistful feeling in the first few months after Matthew was born. Now it's much more of a pull. It's nuts. I have two children under two (only for 19 more days - can you believe Arthur will be 2 that soon?!), I only gave birth 4 months ago, I am really struggling to manage with the two of them, and yet my crazy mind is longing to do it all over again. Good thing my body is more sensible, and being all non-fertile for now! I am crampy today though, and it's only a few weeks before the time I got my first period after I had Arthur. But I'm good at being crampy in other departments which reside locally to the reproductive one. So it's probably just something else. I am actually starting to REALLY hope I take my time getting my period back (not that I'm longing for periods again in any case!) because then I won't get tempted. I found last time that once I was having fertile cycles after I had Arthur, it was almost like an un-scratched itch to NOT use a perfectly good fertile cycle! I hope that tandem nursing will stave those cycles off for a few months longer than last time. I know Neil is in NO hurry to have more babies, although he seems vaguely open to another somewhere down the line. I have my ideas for the next one, timing-wise, but I am keeping it to myself, because there's no point in talking about it and dwelling on it this early, or if he says no. It's a bigger gap than we've just done though.

I am nuts. I can't believe I'm even SAYING this stuff.

Okay, pizza is here! :) Will update again soon.

Lots of photos and other things

Finally a moment to write an entry!!! Thanks so much for all the helpful suggestions on getting the house cleaned up! And all the other lovely comments too :) I have a wonder-husband. We talked and he decided that to get the house sorted, that is, in a state where it's easier to maintain the tidiness, he is going to spend 3 evenings a week cleaning the house. Every week, till it's done. And I'm not to worry about it. Isn't he fab? He does Monday, Wednesday and Friday after the boys are in bed, for a couple of hours each time, and now we can see nearly the whole of the kitchen floor!! Yay! I love my hubble.

I have fifty million photos to post, but first I have a few things that I've been itching to just WRITE here, some boring but just-because, and some newsy and normal. Matthew is kind of stirry and it's late, so I'll just get right on and try bullet-pointing!

1) What is up with the trees?! It's the second half of October and the trees are still green green greeeen and full of leaves. Driving down the road today I was still under a thick shady cover of trees! I remember three years ago the trees were BARE by now. Cameron's funeral was October 6th and the leaves pretty much all fell off the trees the week before. Any left were brown. So weird to still be all summery green! Today was cooler and wet and windy though, so maybe autumn is finally kicking in?

2) See, see, seeeeee the first ever pictures of my new baby nephice/neiphew!!!

Sarah is now 12 weeks pregnant, well, 11 weeks and 6 days. I am just sooooo excited, WAY more than I expected to be! They are calling the baby "Little Pip" right now - HOW cute is that?! :) Is it really bad that I feel so much more excited about Little Pip than I did when Ella was on the way? It feels wrong because Little Pip is my very own flesh and blood and Ella is not (she's Neil's) - I WAS excited about Ella but I'm surprised at how much more so I feel about my very own baby brother waiting on his own little Pip! I would never play favourites, of course I wouldn't. I am just so so excited to meet this little one! I can't wait to see if he/she looks like my brother much. I love my brother. They have no hunches yet, but I say it's a girl, purely because it would be just typical that Neil and I bear like TEN boys and no girls, and everyone else in the family has the girls! ;) I love having boys though!

3) Arthur is talking and talking and TALKING these days! Nearly everything he says is a two-word phrase, which suddenly exploded into being in the last week. Before that he was saying the odd two-word phrase and everything else was a single word. Or two single words, but said very separately. Three times today he tried to say a big long sentence (four or five words) when he was eager to tell me something, but every time he just fell over his words and fumbled over the order and the pronounciation so it was impossible to understand him! He got a bit frustrated about it, but I know he's going to be on proper sentences in no time, the way he's trying so hard. Today is the first time he's even tried it. A few examples of his latest two-word phrases are: "Make pile" (when folding laundry), "Daw wist" (draw list - when helping me write a shopping list!), "Whollld towel" (fold towel), "Wop Pubbies" (watch Teletubbies), "Ligh' on" (switch the light on please), "See-yee Daddy" (silly Daddy!), "Piece fall" (when a piece of his toast fell onto the floor). He also says "more ____ " a million times a day, nearly always for food - the boy is SO ravenous at all times since his nasty bug! He just asks for food constantly, I don't know what to do with him! He remains ultra picky though, about what he'll actually eat, so he's usually specific about what he wants more of - "More shee-yoo" (cereal), "More toas'", "More bip-bit" (biscuit!), "More mah-bam" (gingerbread man), etc. He also starts LOTS of his two-word phrases with his word for Matthew, "Ma-Ma" :) He LOVES Matthew, and now that he's really starting to speak, he talks about him a lot. He tells me what he sees Matthew doing: "Ma-Ma, woal" (roll), "Ma-Ma stink!" (if he's farted or pooed audibly, haha!), "Ma-Ma pull!" if Matthew has Arthur's finger and is pulling on it. And he likes to just lie with Matthew and point out parts of him to me: "Ma-Ma eeear.... Ma-Ma hair.... Ma-Ma nee-noop (sleepsuit)" etc. He loves to look out of the bedroom window over to the main road where there are cars and buses and stuff going by. He will literally stay there for like an HOUR, but usually I can only give him 20 minutes or so before I have to lift him down to go and do something else. He LOVES cars and vehicles of any sort. Anyway, he'll spend that whole 20 minutes just commenting on every single thing he sees. I just listen to him - it's so cute! He says, "Car!.... Blue car!.... Ohh, reh car (red).... Ooooh! Why wan (white van).... YAH-YAH!!!! (lorry).... Beeeb yah-yah! (big lorry).... OH BUS!!.... Oh?.... No car....Gone?.... Oh CAR! Lellow car!.... Waymee car (navy car)...." etc. He also comments on bikes and people a bit, but definitely prefers the motors! Yesterday he said, "beeb reh bus!" (big red bus) which was his first real 3-word sentence. He also understands "two". If he sees two lorries go by one behind the other, he says (very excitedly) "Ohhh TWO yah-yah!" and today he found two coins in my bag and held them out to me saying, "TWO mummee (money)!" He is VERY excited about the number two right now!

4) Arthur is doing lots better after his bug. He threw up again once at bedtime a few nights ago which was mightily depressing after thinking he was over it all. But he's been fine since and I'm inclined to believe he had just had tooooo much food on his empty system all at once or something. He really is putting away near-adult portions at the moment. I hardly know whether to let him or not, since he did throw up that time after a lot of food. I don't know whether he can "self-regulate" or not! But then if I cap his meals he just asks and asks and ASKS for food. Although he does that anyway, even when he has clearly finished his meal! He just starts asking again after maybe 15 minutes and doesn't stop till the next snack or meal. So anyway, he is better, yay!

5) We went to Fellowship Group this morning - our first outing in a couple of weeks, since before his bug. It was at Fellowship Group 2 weeks ago that he caught the gastroenteritis. It was GOOD to get out and see people! We had to consider him potentially infectious again when he vomited, as it's just not fair to risk giving that horrible thing to anyone else, so we have had to stay in this week too, until yesterday. We just went supermarket shopping yesterday though.

6) No money left AGAIN. Urgh. We can't buy food till next Thursday, which um, no. Because milk and bread are not going to last a week, so at the very least we'll need those. I think we'll have to put a little on that darn credit card again (the one we were supposed to chop up months ago).

7) I have been downloading music (for the first time - go me!) over the last week. We've been meaning to sign up and do that for ages, and I thought if I could download my favourite songs and some feel-good songs then I could very quickly pick my spirits up with music :) It's working GREAT! I am listening to stuff from the good old 80's that I haven't heard for YEARS, stuff that just gives me a lift somehow. Natalie Cole's "Pink Cadillac", Boy Meets Girl's "Waiting for a star to fall", and Jefferson Starship's "We built this city" amongst others. The world is just ROSY while I'm listening to those :) I am also slllllowly making a montage of some photos to music, as I've seen people doing that for a while at a couple of forums I visit. It seems to be all the rage at the moment, but I really like the idea. I never have time so it's going slowly! I'll post it here if I ever finish it.

I forget what number I'm on, so I think that's probably enough waffle for now! Photo time! I have sooooo many to catch up on, but Matthew's have been waiting the longest, so here are some of my sweet tiny man - who is somehow FOUR months old now, and who today just started transferring things from one hand to the other for the first time :) Yay Matthew! Anyway, photos!

Conked out on the floor while Arthur was ill, poor lovey! Sometimes he went a bit... not neglected, but, you know. Overlooked maybe. Arthur was so poorly and needy. Matthew was SO incredibly good and laid-back about it all. He made it so easy for us to look after poor Arthur. He's such a lovely boy!

Sweet boy!! Now a few of Arthur! I am working on exposing him to a more varied diet at the moment. I am actually COOKING (wow, hehe!) at last, and making him new things, but he rolls phlegm at the back of his throat and makes a disgusted face at everything I offer him other than baked beans, cheese sandwiches and anything sweet! I started at the beginning of the week once he was better and on a normal diet again, and I'm persevering! I'll keep it up for a while. If he doesn't eat it, he doesn't get anything else instead, but he always gets offered a pudding. I try to make it nutritious, especially if he's been offered a meal that I knew he'd refuse. Fruit, mostly, or yoghurt. I am going to start cooking some desserts too, and I am making blueberry muffins tomorrow :)

Anyway, we are getting a lot of big tantrums with this attempt! The biggest one lasted an hour and a half (!!) over macaroni cheese! I told him I was going to make his lunch, and that we were having macaroni cheese. He looked suspicious, and so I explained that macaroni cheese was pasta with a cheese sauce. I said we'd have peas with it too (he likes peas, and cheese for that matter). He immediately did this:

And then screamed and sobbed and threw himself around while I cheerfully cooked his lunch and served it up. He somehow notched it up a gear once he was sat at the table with some very nice macaroni cheese with peas in front of him in his favourite Teletubbies bowl, and all but threw his bowl and mine off the table! I stayed calm and cheerful and ate my food at as normal a pace as I could manage, encouraging him to try some all the while. He did try to separate a pea from the rest, but went into renewed screaming and crying when he couldn't wipe enough of the cheese sauce off it for his liking! After I'd eaten mine, I cheerfully took his bowl away and cheerfully offered him pudding (note the consistency of the CHEERFUL factor - apparently very important in the whole process, but rather hard work in practise!). He hungrily ate a yoghurt and a gingerbread man, and then asked for more food, but that was the end of lunch so I got him down from the table. He threw himself on the living room floor and tantrummed himself out until he literally fell asleep on the floor!! Soooo unlike Arthur to sleep easily, hehe!

All this time he had also been asking for milk, but I am currently refusing him milk outside of nap and bedtimes, and first thing in the morning. I SO don't want to wean him, but I do want him to get the message that he needs to try some other foods and eat them if he's hungry, rather than me putting all this effort in with the food and him just deciding that if I'm not going to give him the food he wants, he'll just fill up on my milk thank you very much! I wouldn't mind him filling up on my milk once he's eating more of a variety of foods, except that it is so incredibly exhausting breastfeeding two children. But I do plan to let him increase his milk feeds once he's interested in more foods. Anyway, in the end I nursed Matthew and then woke Arthur up to take him to bed and give him his nap-milk. He was more than willing, bless him! He had over an hour for his nap - long for Arthur - and was MUCH happier when he woke, see?

Today one of his new foods was something I knew he'd like :) I LOVE the recipe book I have about feeding babies and toddlers. It's so relaxed and encouraging. The recipes are lovely and easy - I will SO be starting from this book with Matthew once he starts solids. And I like how the author says not to be paranoid about certain foods like so many people are. Sweet foods are important - high fat ones too - for toddlers. Not pure sugar candies, but a sweet pudding with every meal is what she advises. She says to see them as another opportunity to get nutrients into children - a milky pudding is a great source of calcium and protein. I love how she says there's nothing wrong with giving children things like brownies because cocoa contains flavonoids that are important in their diet, and the nuts are very nutritious. If there's egg and milk in there too, even better. So I am making brownies tomorrow too, if I get time :) With that in mind, I decided to buy some Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread) today at the supermarket, for Arthur to try. It's one of those things I've always mentally thrown up my hands in horror at, giving a child chocolate spread on bread!! It just seemed an awful thing to do! But I looked at the ingredients and yes there is sugar in it, but also cocoa and hazelnuts, which is actually more nutritious than a LOT of stuff you might put on toast. Also, there is this huge hype about sugar which I do not buy. I mean, some people have a very good reason to cut out sugar, for health reasons. But there really isn't SO much wrong with sugar as it seems. Sugar REPLACEMENTS on the other hand, now that's a different story. Sucralose, aspartame, etc, are potentially even dangerous for every day use. I know that research is still being done, but they are considered potentially carcinogenic!! As in, cancer-causing. They were invented for use as part of a carefully controlled diet in DIABETICS only, not for the general public or every day use, and I had to be careful about whether things contained aspartame during pregnancy as safety can't be confirmed for the baby! Yikes! I also avoid it while breastfeeding. But I have to say, I am NO hurry to put that crap in my body. Sugar for me please! It bugs me so much that it's now hard to find fruit squashes and drinks that I like without aspartame or sucralose added. Why can't I find one with just plain SUGAR?!!! Tsk. I reckon sugar is waaay better for my body, so long as I regulate my own intake.

Oh dear, a rant. Sorry! Getting back to my point (!!), I bought some Nutella and asked Arthur if he would like some on toast for tea. He gave it a suspicious look but I showed him and asked him what it was, and he peered into the jar and said, after a pause, "Cuck-uk (chocolate)!" I asked him if he wanted to taste it, and he looked at me with huge shining eyes, like he couldn't believe I was actually offering it to him, hehe! He touched it and tasted his finger and then got SO excited about having it for tea that he bounced round the kitchen non-stop while I made his toast, shouting, "Cuck-uk, toas'! Cuck-uk, toas'!!" Hehehe, funny boy! Here he is enjoying it - see the kitchen FLOOR?! Still mucky, but hey, it's visible ;)

Okay, now to the photos of the boys together. It's soooo late. But worth it to finally get these all posted! Matthew is still asleep for now, but he'll wake in a minute for a feed. He's having a growth spurt lately, feeding 2-hourly-ish during the day and more wakeful at night. He also naps really badly during the day at the moment, urgh. It's such hard work with my boys over their sleep, I don't know why. Even though we've done it differently with each of them. I guess we just have children who aren't "easy" sleepers. I wish they were! It would make life SO much easier, but oh well. Matthew's body clock is set to wake him after 30 minutes during the day, exactly as Arthur's has always done. I am persevering MUCH more with Matthew than I did with Arthur though, because I know it eventually drove me out of my tree with Arthur and I don't want to repeat it! I am doing the pick-up-put-down method with Matthew. He cries a lot. It sucks. But he HAS to have more sleep than 30 minutes at a time. He is so cranky with 4 thirty minute naps per day, and incredibly happy and relaxed and cheerful if he manages an hour or two in a block. So I need to help him achieve it.

Anyway. How did I get onto that? Oh yes, he'll be waking any second! I'd better hurry up! Pictures of the boys - there are LOADS. They love each other SO much! It's so lovely to see. Lately Arthur is playing with Matthew a lot more. He's more interesting now that he's rolling around everywhere and stuffing toys into his mouth with increasingly accurate co-ordination. Also Matthew is LONGING for Arthur to pay him attention. When he finally does, Matthew "talks" and smiles and blows raspberries, and everything in his reportoire, to impress his favourite brother! So that is starting to please Arthur and they lie on the floor together a lot just looking at each other. It has meant a few heart-breaking moments where Matthew has hurt Arthur by accident because he doesn't know that kicking or scrunching hurts - he's just tiny and curious and feeling things out with his newly controlled limbs. Arthur becomes absolutely distraught if Matthew hurts him. He tries to act like it was a game at first and then when it really does hurt he just starts to cry and sob and says, "Hurt! Ma-Ma, kick!" and asks for "cuggoo" from me. He is so upset about it that I can't console him at all for a while, poor precious. It breaks my heart, because I see how very much Arthur loves Matthew and therefore how much he is crushed when he gets hurt, even by accident. He's still so little that he can't really understand even when I explain, and I just want to hold him so close that he becomes part of me again and my heart aches for him fit to burst. It's especially heart-breaking when they were having a fun "game" and Arthur was so happy and giggling one minute and then he got hurt in the midst of that :(

Anyway. Here is Arthur finding it very funny to put his head under Matthew's bottom and have Matthew kick him repeatedly! He found this funny for ages, but it did end in that heart-scrunchingly sad way that I mentioned above, when he got too hard a kick to his head. I did suggest that he move because Matthew didn't know how to kick gently yet, and he might get hurt, but he insisted on continuing the "game". Poor Arthur!

Here are some more of Arthur just enjoying his brother :)

And finally, a few that I took today which I LOVE. I was changing Matthew's nappy and Arthur lay down next to him, but upside-down to him, just to look into his face for a while. Matthew loved this and after a while they just went very calm and quiet and stared and stared into each other's eyes. I can't tell you how it made me feel. I took a few photos:

My little boys just LOVE each other. They are just the most precious little people. Ever. I'm so blessed.

Feeling better!

My lil man feels BETTER!!! Yaaaaaaaay!

Being suspicious of his first taste of food since his yucky bug:

Feeling better!!!...

Mummy and Arthur being all happy again (Mummy is the one with the serious need for a hair-wash, and Arthur is the one with the extremely cute cheeks):

Arthur did have a couple of dodgy nappies yesterday so we have had him on the BRAT diet again for the first half of today, and are considering him potentially infectious still till tomorrow. After that if none of the rest of us have become ill by 2 days later, I will relax and breathe easy again! Of course, by that time, we'll be back at playgroup and I hear there are lots of tummy lurgies around at the moment (oh joy) so I guess I won't be breathing easy for very long. Oh well. I am NOT thrilled about going back to playgroups. I am just knackered beyond knackeredness and I know that I'm just walking into germs like walking into a cloud of rain and hoping not to get wet! Urgh. I sooooo don't need to get any sort of illness right now. Neither do the boys really, or Neil. Or any of us.

I am feeling kind of down this evening, I don't know why. Probably a bad time to write a diary entry then, but here I am anyway. It's 10.40pm already and we haven't eaten dinner yet. Arthur was a nightmare to put to bed tonight and Neil was sitting there till 9.15 - urrrgh! That's almost 2 hours. Which is just stupid/crazy/exasperating. Then we had the big "finances" talk that we've been meaning to have over the weekend at some point, swiftly followed by the "what the heck are we going to do about ____ (insert one of fifty million issues here)" discussion. Soooo depressing. Or deflating. That's a better word.

The house is so so so so incredibly bad at the moment. This morning I almost wanted to take photos to put here so that you can REALLY see what I'm talking about. There is no floor to walk on. Arthur stumbles all over the place, walking on crap that is lying around. The kitchen floor is wall-to-wall laundry, who knows which is dirty or clean, it is all just a mass of scrunched up clothes and towels and nappies and bedlinen, etc. I kid you not. I stand on clean/dirty clothes to wash my hands at the kitchen sink, which by the way I have to do over stuff that's sticking out several inches above the brim of the sink, just dumped in there. Clean, dirty, who knows? There is no surface space to put anything down in the kitchen, and I do mean NO surface space. You can't even shove things aside to put a glass of water down, it's that full of crap. There are chopping boards balanced on the GAS HOB, and stuff piled on those. Trays on the toaster, a makeshift "surface" made from a chopping board balanced on a stack of dirty dishes on the overcrowded surface. The table is covered with the same. Even the space on the corner of the dresser is occupied by unwashed clutter. I HATE our kitchen right now.

This is the state of the whole house. The living room is a little better in that it's the room we all live in all day, so for safety's sake, we HAVE to maintain the toys on the floor a bit. But it's still littered with clean and dirty clothes and nappies, and changing mats, and clean and dirty tissues and endless toys, and I can't think what else. We have an armchair, a two-seater sofa, and a 3-seater sofa in there. The armchair and the 2-seater are piled TWICE their own height with junk, mostly clothes (pretty sure they are clean though, at least). The stairs are wedged with piles of clothing. I have to admit, it's been many months since I have had to go upstairs to a wardrobe or chest of drawers to find an item of clothing. Laundry never makes it past piles on the stairs and that's where we choose clothes from each day to dress ourselves and the boys.

Anyway, it sucks. I am FED UP with it. There are lots and lots of other little bits and pieces, like the horrific unhygeinic state of the bathroom and stuff, and the fact that we can't close any doors upstairs (except the bathroom door) because we never finished hanging them so they have no latches and don't quite fit their door frames. Everything is constantly held up by the awful state of the place, like routines with the children, bedtime solutions, etc. Poor Arthur is nagged for pulling at stuff that isn't suitably put out of his reach, and the worst thing is, it's TOOOOO much to ever fix now that it's got this bad. Neil keeps saying about taking holiday time from work again to fix the state of the house, but I am completely unwilling. He just did that - a whole week for the darn garden, and there is still a skip (being paid for by us) on the driveway, and a half-finished garden out the back, which he now has absolutely no time to finish. Plus, I got zero rest that week as a result so I am in even further debt.

Urrrrrgh. Anyway, moan moan moan. I will stop now. I am just so happy that Arthur is feeling better. The rest I will try to put out of my head for another day and see what comes tomorrow. Matthew stirs (oddly early) so I must go. Will update again soon - hopefully more cheerfully! :)

Starting to improve at LAST - yay!

Oh thank you all SO much for the lovely messages!!! I feel so supported and uplifted here :) Thank you!

We are doing okay. Matthew, Neil and I are still well, thank goodness! Arthur seems to be improving today, at LAST, and I don't need to tell you how relieved I am! He has been so poorly. He hasn't vomited since my last diary entry though, which is really something! On Tuesday I am sure he would have if we hadn't been very careful with the volume and frequency of his fluids all that day. Wednesday we were just as careful (and I asked my GP for advice as I took Matthew to see her about his nappy rash AGAIN), and today is Thursday. I started taking photos for some crazy reason on Monday, so here is my poor little boy's week in pictures:

Monday, around noon:

Two hours later:

Another two hours later:

Tuesday:

Wednesday afternoon:

Thursday morning (today):

Thursday afternoon:

I have NO idea why I go around taking photos of poor sick children! ;) But you know with Arthur I just can't help whipping the camera out at every experience he has in life. *sigh* Anyway, he was just sooooooo weak by Wednesday but I gave him 4 swallows of breastmilk as often as possible, unless he asked for water instead. He napped a lot so he didn't get fluids then, of course. The last two nights I have given up my sleep (literally!) to make sure I breastfeed Arthur on demand during the night (as well as Matthew) so that he gets every possible opportunity to get some nourishment and fluids into him. The first night he woke hourly through the evening asking for milk, and then twice in the night, and the next night he woke less during the evening.

This morning he seemed a little less pale and hollow and his eyes looked less sunken to me (they were sunken with dehydration before, poor lovey), but he was still very quiet and seemed uncomfy and stuff. He can't walk or even stand. He tried twice today and just cried as he tried to push onto his legs to get upright. I had to rescue him both times. I think that his legs just must feel wobbly and he is scared or upset by the feeling.

Today Neil went back to work and I was nervous about getting through the day with Arthur still poorly. I am so proud of what I've achieved though, although I am EXHAUSTED for it. I have breastfed Arthur 8 swallows of milk EVERY FIVE MINUTES throughout the day, except for only two short naps! Wow. I have sat with him on the sofa or lay with him in bed most of the day, and Matthew has either been napping or in the bouncy chair nearby, or rolling on the mat. Matthew is just as good as gold. I am so proud of him. He seems to know something is wrong with Arthur. He stops all his happy playful activity and just watches us very still and intently while Arthur is crying or being sick or something. Anyway, when Matthew has needed feeding, I have washed myself thoroughly with soap and then fed him. I don't care if it dries me out, that's what Lansinoh cream is for :) Then I continue nursing Arthur every five minutes till Matthew needs another feed. Eight swallows (more than that at bedtime!) isn't much but he's tolerating it well and when you add all those 5-minutely feeds up, I think he has probably gotten quite good nutrition today all in all, so I'm thrilled to have been able to provide that for him before he's even able to take solid food. I can't imagine not breastfeeding him at a time like this. I keep thinking, what on earth would I do if he was only on water for alllll those weak and wasting-away days?! I mean, he'd get through it and be thin and then put on weight again afterwards, but still. He's so hungry all the time. I'm just relieved to know that breastmilk will satisfy his tummy when he's hungry but can't eat food yet. This illness has strengthened my resolve to continue breastfeeding Arthur as long as possible, all the more. It's SUCH a valuable thing for a toddler to have, especially when they go through all these illnesses that are bound to happen. Anyway, I do not know what we would have done without breastmilk this week! I'm very grateful for it :)

This afternoon Arthur seemed a bit more bored (always a good sign) watching Teletubbies and A Bug's Life and his other favourite things. So I asked if he would like his Mega Bloks on the sofa to play with. He looked eager and said yes so I got them. He put a few together and then they wouldn't stand up on the sofa so he threw them weakly to the floor and cried :( He did poke about with his Stickle Bricks a bit later though, but he didn't have much interest or strength. He started to take much more active interest in the things he was watching on TV. He would point excitedly to things and name them, and started telling me colours of things again - what a wonderful relief to hear him say normal Arthur things again! The best part came when I was changing Matthew's nappy and started blowing raspberries on his almost-edible little tummy. Arthur can never resist a farting sound, and after a while I became aware of this odd little catching-breath sound from the sofa. I looked up and there he was peeping down at us on the floor, the weakest smile I ever saw on his face, given that Arthur's smiles are usually sooooo huge! And it sounded like his laughing muscles were just exhausted because he was trying to give a little chuckle at the sound I was making, but it was just coming out like a short breath and a catch. But a LAUGH all the same!! Music to a worried mama's ears!

Later on, he was watching CBeebies and the presenters had a line of stuffed animals on a table, and there were real animal sounds being played so they could match the sound to the stuffed animal it went with. There was a lion and a monkey, amongst others. They played a real lion's roar, or growl, and you know how a real lion's growl can sound rather... parply? Well it was quite a sudden loud sound, and suddenly I heard the same little breath-catch sound from the sofa, and when I looked, Arthur was grinning at the TV with an actual glint of mischief in his eye (how lovely to see!), and he did a few of these gaspy catchy sounds, and then turned to me and said, "Monkey, fart!" (how funny, he thought the sound was actually the one that went with the monkey - a fart, haha!) and then did a real Arthur giggle :) Weak, but still the real thing! And he didn't stop laughing about it for 10 minutes into the next children's programme - keeping on stopping to look at me and say, "Monkey, fart!" and giggling all over again :)

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relieved to see my little boy emerging from such a yucky time at last!

Tomorrow we start food again and I have lovingly (!!) pureed an apple tonight which is ready in the fridge for warming up tomorrow. We are doing the BRAT diet (thanks Jemma for the advice!) - bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast for a couple of days, with plenty of breastmilk of course, and if he tolerates that then we'll be back onto normal food by Sunday. Phew! I have bananas, a sliced loaf of bread JUST for Arthur, and rice ready and waiting. One good thing to dome from this horrible bug is the opportunity for Arthur to be completely starting from scratch with his food again. It's like weaning him onto solids all over again, but without it having to take so long between stages. Very helpful, since he was pretty much refusing anything but baked beans, raisins and cereal bars before he got ill. Urgh. Now that he's starting afresh, after he's well and off the BRAT diet, I plan to offer him a wide variety of homecooked meals, whether he eats them or not at first. I don't plan to offer him ANYTHING that he was eating before, so we could be in for a rocky start as I'm sure he's at an age where he'll basically reject what he isn't used to. But I am determined to get him used to a varied and healthy diet, and I don't plan to give in if he refused to eat. I think it MIGHT mean I end up just breastfeeding him a LOT, but I won't offer him the breast much outside of naps and bedtime (and first thing in the morning), so he'll have to get hungry if he won't eat any meals. I will never force him to eat what's in front of him, EVER. But things need to change, and this seems like the perfect springboard for action.

Tonight before bed, Arthur was acting more like himself every hour that passed. By the time Neil was home from work, Arthur was happily playing with all his toy cars and emergency vehicles on the sofa, sorting them and shouting out their names with great excitement. He held them out to Neil when he came in the door, all excited and smiley, and Neil was so happy to see him looking better. He is so much thinner than he was, and I can feel his spine so sharp and bony all down his back. He is leaving a lot of "brick-dust residue" in his nappies which means he really has been dehydrated - that's his kidneys flushing out the impurities that it didn't have the fluid to flush before. Or something like that. Anyway, he is still getting that every nappy I change, but I know he's improving, and he has certainly had good fluid intake today. His lips cracked and peeled yesterday and the last of that came off today, and now he no longer looks dry around his mouth, which is good.

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday and it's nearly weekend again! I can't wait to get a bit more sleep and help Arthur get back to normal. He still can't stand up, let alone walk, but I'm sure his strength will return as he takes more in. This evening I found that he can't sit up on the carpet without me sitting behind him - he gets wobbly and whimpers like he's anxious, and so I sit behind him so he can lean on me and then he plays happily. But I have high hopes that he'll feel stronger in the morning. I meant to only give him 8 swallows of milk again at bedtime, but I got distracted listening to Neil putting Matthew to bed after I latched Arthur on in his bed, and COMPLETELY forgot I was nursing! So then suddenly I realised I had been nursing Arthur for 5 minutes straight - a LOT more than 8 swallows, hehe! - and got worried that it would be too much for his tummy. Well he was fine, and seemed rather pleased to have had all that milk :) So I'm sure he'll improve more tomorrow. He will still be considered infectious as far as I'm concerned though. They say 48 hours AFTER vomiting and diarrhoea have stopped, but he hasn't vomited since Monday, so that would have meant yesterday for Arthur. Which is crazy because he was so obviously still ill yesterday. I know he would have still been vomiting if we hadn't been carefully controlling his intake, maybe even up until this morning, since I know he still had nausea this morning. So I think it's safest to consider it 48 hours after SYMPTOMS go, including feeling ill and nauseous. Better safe than sorry with nasty things like tummy bugs. Sunday I think we could go places without a risk of infecting anyone else, but I can't say I'll want a big drooly kiss on the lips from him that day! Monday, maybe ;)

Anyway. Matthew stirs, so I must go. I have pictures of Matthew to post sometime. I just love my boys SOOOOO much. Thank you for all the concern for Arthur and well wishes and prayers! It has meant so much to me. I'm so glad he's getting better! There seem to be a LOT of tummy bugs out there this season (urgh) so I hope he won't just stroll on back into playgroup and come down with another one right away. That would double suck. Personally, I'd be happy to NEVER set foot in another childcare establishment, haha! But that would be silly, and of course we MUST because Arthur needs to be around other kids for a million different reasons. So we will go back. I just hope this immune-strengthening stage hurries up and seems to pass quickly somehow! And that we don't catch much of what the boys get. I'm SO beyond thankful that Matthew didn't catch this one. Although of course we're not quite out of the woods yet. I am still praying that we'll stay free of it.

Okay, must go. Will update again soon!

Update

Thanks so much for all the concern and support over Arthur with his first tummy bug. I haven't got long to update, in fact I wanted to update yesterday but didn't have the chance.

I need more prayers. Arthur is so so so ill. Friday night he started vomiting and now it's Monday night and he's still going. He has been sick 13 times so far, and I can't even count the number of times he's retched but brought nothing up. Yesterday was Sunday and Arthur was no longer keeping down sips of fluid, so we called the emergency doctor (since the GP surgeries were all closed for the weekend), and they made us bring him to the out-of-hours clinic. He was so poorly that we didn't want to move him, but they said they needed to assess him and it could be hours before anyone could do a home visit. At that point he was sort of slumped on the sofa and if we tried to pick him up and move him, he would cry and retch :( But we put the boys in the car (Matthew, Neil and I still okay at the moment, by the way) and headed to the clinic, which happened to be at our local hospital. The doctor said Arthur was dehydrated (which we knew) to about 5% (what is that?!) and she said since he was still taking some fluids and he had wet nappies, he was doing okay. But his breath smelt of pear drops, meaning ketones, which means his body had no food or drink left to burn and had started to work on its own fat cells. The by-product of that process is ketones - you can find them in urine or smell them on the breath.

Anyway, she said he needed to be rehydrated, and it might be as simple as him taking some dioralyte but if he couldn't tolerate that then he'd need to be admitted to have IV fluids :( So she sent us down the hall to the children's A&E (ER) where we saw a really lovely nurse and a paediatrician who checked Arthur out, made note of his wet nappy (he's still having those, thank goodness), took his temp (37.2, just a tiny bit raised) and looked at his ears and mouth. He doesn't have an ear infection. The paediatrician says it's gastroenteritis, and that can typically last for 5-7 DAYS, urrrgh! I never even fathomed such a bug when I was young. Stomach bugs back then all seemed to be throwing up in the night a few times, feeling grim the next day and then right as rain again. Now there are some real nasty buggers out there, it seems. How can ANYONE manage with vomiting for 5-7 days like that?! Let alone a little one not even 2 years old yet. Also he said that it's usually diarrhoea and vomiting, but Arthur doesn't have diarrhoea - I am SO grateful for that! He said Arthur may get that for the last couple of days though, so we're keeping an eye out for it starting.

Anyway. We told them we were sure Arthur wouldn't take the dioralyte but they said it was worth a try. They made some up for us and gave us a 5ml syringe, a straw, and a tiny cup, to give us a few options for trying to encourage him to take it. He had to have 5mls every 5 minutes, no more. They said his stomach wouldn't cope with more volume or frequency than that, and that might have been why he wasn't tolerating fluids at home - he might have been simply taking too much at once for his little tummy, even the little bits that he was taking.

Amazingly, after initially refusing it, Arthur ended up taking all 100mls of the dioralyte over 2 or 3 hours that we were there. He is so eager for food and drink that we have to count him down for the 5 minutes that he has to keep waiting for the next tiny amount he's allowed. He DOES vomit if he has more than 5mls though - we've found out. He kept the dioralyte down though he was retching after the last bit. So they sent us home with some more dioralyte for him to take, but he has refused it completely since then. This evening we were getting so worried about him, so Neil tried to get him to take a sip of dioralyte and Arthur threw up just from gagging on it. So that's definitely a no-no. They told us at the hospital to go back to the children's A&E if he got worse or couldn't keep fluids down again, so today I have phoned the twice with queries, to see if we should be going back in. We have got ourselves ready and packed for admission twice today, but both times they said we were doing okay at home so we didn't go in.

Today Arthur has been sick 4 times, but today is different from the other days because he is being really VIOLENTLY sick. His last couple of vomits have had a little blood in them so I called the hospital and they asked lots of questions and then told me that it was quite common when children are straining very hard to be sick, to get a little fissure in the oesophagus which can bleed a little. How AWFUL for my poor little love :(

He is lethargic and pale, and smaller than I have ever seen him look before. I mean, he's lost a lot of weight, but the main thing is just how tiny he seems to have become without the "largeness" of his energetic personality. He is still and silent nearly all the time, and in and out of sleep today. His eyes just look here and there without him moving his head, and they look so huge and dark in his poor peaked little face. His hair looks enormous on his head! I can hardly bear it. He can understand the questions, "Are you okay?", "Does your tummy hurt?" and "Do you feel sick?" and respond to them accurately with yes or no, which is a great help to us. I don't think he'd have been able to do that even a couple of weeks ago - his speech has been changing so fast lately. His tummy has been hurting him a lot today and yesterday evening. Sometimes he writhes and screams out and just gets wide scared eyes. When I hold him while his tummy is hurting, he clutches at me like he can't quite get hold of me enough, and screeches, "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummyyyy!" It's so so heartbreakingly sad. He has started to call me Mummy all the time since he got ill, whereas before then I was "Mumma" (which I LOVED) and only once or twice had he called me Mummy. Now I'm Mummy all the time, and glad to be so! But I'll miss Mumma.

He is very anxious about being sick, not that I could blame him at ALL with how traumatic an introduction to vomiting this has been, but we're trying to help him as best we can. I am desperate for him NOT to develop a fear of vomiting like I got at only a few months older than he is now. At first we were shoving bowls and towels and all sorts under his nose when he got sick, but he got anxious about the approaching bowls/towels, and would push them away and seem scared. So then we ditched those and just made sure we lifted him into a better position (ie away from things that aren't easy to clean!), but then just the fact that we were suddenly frantically trying to lift him made him panic. So now we are letting him throw up however he happens to be. He is so weak and tired and he is no longer bothering to change his position. He cries like he's scared but we reassure him. He has thrown up on Neil twice and me once. I am doing SO so well with it all. I am WAY more concerned with Arthur now more than my own feelings about it. I'm so worried for him.

Neil is off work today. He phoned them and explained and said he just couldn't be there. He was worried in case they wouldn't accept that, but they seem to have so far. I hope they continue to, because Arthur isn't improving and I can't take care of him and Matthew on my own with him this ill. He wants me holding him all the time, and I need to be RIGHT there the instant he starts retching or vomiting, which is quite a lot. Matthew is okay. He is full of cold from Arthur's last cold. Arthur is still a bit snotty from that but it's going away. Matthew is sleeping badly at night with his congestion, but we realised we could use Karvol capsules for him from 3 months, so he's currently breathing a lot better with the stinky stuff from one of those on a tissue near his cot.

Matthew is being such a good boy. He isn't getting much from us at the moment, because we are just both of us so focused on Arthur all the time. But he lies on the mat on the floor and rolls and screeches and plays. He sits in his bouncy chair and kicks and smiles and screeches. He lies in his cot and screeches and talks. Note the consistency of the word "screeches"!! It's his latest thing, and Arthur never did noises like the ones Matthew makes, so it seems so funny to hear him - like it's his own unique Matthew thing to do! He seems to find it soooo much fun to screech and skwawk as loudly as he can. It makes him super excited and he does this huge energetic flings with his arms and legs between screeches! He has had to cry back to sleep this morning when he woke from his nap after half an hour, which I HATE, but Arthur was being sick downstairs and we were both totally occupied for a while.

Hygiene is a challenge. Obviously WE don't want to get sick, but most of all I am desperate for Matthew to avoid it. We are washing our hands like crazy. My hands have cracked and bled several times, but I just put a ton of cream on them and they recover. It's worth it anyway. I am so anxious about Matthew getting it that I'm extra fastidious about things. If I've been cuddling Arthur and I need to pick up Matthew or feed him, I go and scrub my hands and arms and change my T-shirt. We are doing a LOT of laundry. Every time a load finishes, a new one is ready to go on. We change our clothes frequently, and go through lots and lots of hand towels, bath towels, terry nappy towels, etc. every day. Now that I know what kind of a horrible bug we're dealing with, it scares me all the more that Matthew might get it, because I mean, how can a little baby even SURVIVE 5-7 days of violent vomiting and diarrhoea?! He would absolutely have to be hospitalised and hooked up to stuff. Horrible.

Even with all that, he would still be terribly ill, because there's nothing they can actually do about the vomiting - it has to just take its course. Matthew is so tiny and sooooo smiley and cheerful lately, it makes me want to cry when I look at him and think of him getting ill like Arthur is. He wouldn't do any smiling then. Arthur isn't smiling at all. It feels like forever since he was himself. I know it's only a few days but I can't explain it.... it just seems like I am already forgetting what he looks like all healthy and laughing and active in his expression. I feel like he will never be well again. Tonight I had a moment where I thought, what if he dies? I know, I know, it's a tummy bug, and bad as it is, it will pass. But you haven't SEEN him, he looks so terribly ill all the time and it scares me. It scares Neil as well. Today he was so worried about Arthur not getting dioralyte that he figured he could give him a tiny bit of biscuit (he was asking for one a lot). I kept on saying no, but in the end he went on about it so much that I said okay. And Arthur was SO thrilled to be given about 1 square cm of biscuit. He tucked into it straight away, but he hadn't even finished it before he was so violently sick that it came through his nose as well :( My poor poor Arthur. I instinctively felt SO angry at Neil for pushing and pushing to give him a biscuit when my gut had said no all the time. But he felt bad for it too. Both of us have been a bit tearful today at times while we've been sitting together, one of us holding Arthur and the other stroking his hair or holding his hand, Arthur asleep. Neil got upset when he changed Arthur's nappy for bed this evening, because he has lost so much weight and Neil said it reminded him of his dad losing all that weight before he died. I know it's not the same thing, but it upset him still.

By bedtime this evening Arthur was beginning to retch and vomit just by swallowing, even his own saliva. I don't know what to do for him. He is still managing to take small amounts of water and keep it down though. The nurse said on the phone today that if he is taking fluids and keeping them down for more than half an hour then it's okay. He is, mostly. But he's taking SUCH small amounts because he can't stomach any larger amounts. I would guess that he's had maybe 100mls all afternoon and evening. Maybe 75 to 100mls in the morning. But vomiting x4 in total. So I don't know what to think. They seem to think he's doing all he can and it will be okay. I personally don't want to go to hospital with him unless it becomes absolutely necessary, because they'll admit him and then he'll have a LOT more trauma to go through that he's already having to deal with. He'll have pain and procedures and unfamiliar surroundings, and worst of all, I will have to go home with Matthew (only one of us can stay with him on the children's ward, and certainly not Matthew) to feed him and such through the night, and he will need his mummy with him in hospital. If I somehow stay with him, he'll still need his daddy too. He has never known anything without the two of us, and this is just such a terrible time to make him go through such a separation. I could pump some milk for Matthew overnight, but I don't think I have time to prepare that, if we end up having to go in all of a sudden. I found the pump this morning and expressed 4oz (100mls) to give to Arthur in a sippy cup in case he took to that (he's refusing milk for the most part) but I have no idea where (or if we even have) the bottles and stuff are for Matthew to use. I'd need to find them and sterilise them yet. And pump enough to see him through the night! Without any clue about amounts or stuff, since I've never pumped to feed my babies before.

Shannon mentioned that milk would be a bad thing for Arthur right now, but I just wanted to respond to that to clear it up, because DAIRY is a big no-no with tummy bugs. The stomach becomes unable to absorb the proteins in cows' milk, so it's not something you should have. But human milk has no such issues. Human milk is perfect for sick babies, and my breastfeeding books tell me it's better even than dioralyte at rehydrating them and giving them added nutrients and stuff that their bodies can't get any other way while they're sick. Breast milk tends to be the only thing that sick babies can keep down, sometimes even more so than water. But I stopped offering milk to Arthur, thinking that he wasn't tolerating it, but I didn't realise that he was simply getting to large a volume and that was the only reason he was bringing it up again. I feel sad about that, and I wish I had known so I could have persevered at breastfeeding him and he might have fared way better with some small, frequent doses of Mummy-milk in him. I'm sure to be making antibodies to his bug in my milk too, so I wish he would take it. The hardest thing is gauging how much milk he's getting, and so far we are just saying he can have two sucks. That sounds like NOTHING, but if my milk is in full flow that can actually be too much for him right now. I have a strong milk let-down reflex and a lot comes out at once. I did hand-express 20mls and offered him that in bits, but he didn't want it out of a container or syringe.

This evening after we put him to bed, he seemed so uncomfortable. He grimaces a lot with his eyes closed, and moans, "Hurt" so I know his tummy is hurting him. His mouth waters a lot and he swallows loads so I know he's constantly nauseated. Neil and I lay him down on his bed and told him we were going to lay our hands on him like this, and talk to Jesus. We told him we were going to ask God to help and make him better. He just looked at us and didn't move or say anything. We laid our hands on his little body and prayed aloud to God, asking him to heal Arthur and protect Matthew and so on. We prayed for a while and Arthur just lay and watched us. I could hear him breathing and he lay perfectly still.

Arthur has woken twice while I've been typing this. He has had 3 swallows of water each time - let's hope that much will stay down. He usually has 2 swallows, but we have to stop him because he's always eager for more. Anyway, so far no vomiting since bedtime. He didn't throw up during the night last night, so I'm hoping he'll make it through again tonight, and manage some fluids in the morning. I can't imagine us getting through another day like this one - I don't think he can physically cope with it, so I imagine we'll have to go to the hospital if he doesn't improve.

It's just so awful. My heart is just breaking for him. My little boo. I just want to fix it and make him better, and I can't.

I have been feeling sick a lot the last couple of days. But I think I have given myself a nice bout of IBS with anxiety over it all, so that might be all it is. And tiredness. I am so so so so so exhaustedly tired. So anxious and stuff all the time I'm awake and looking after my little ones with all I've got. And then maybe 2 or 3 hours broken sleep each night with Arthur's wakings (Neil sleeps with him but I go in if he calls for me or I hear him being sick - we always make sure both of us are with him when he's being sick), and Matthew's very broken sleep right now with his cold. Being that tired can make me nauseous so maybe that's part of it. And because of the nausea I haven't really been eating much since I've been anxious about getting sick. So, vicious cycle, because an empty tummy that's perfectly well can feel mighty queasy! Urgh. So I'm trying to eat, but even small amounts make me feel full and sick. So it's hard. I am still anxious about catching this horrible bug, but at least the anxiety over that is made less by the all-consuming concern over Arthur's wellbeing right now. My little ones matter so so SO much more than me. Well, to me, anyway.

One lovely bit of news today that was completely unexpected - this evening I spoke to my brother on the phone and found out that he and his Sarah are expecting a baby!!!! Sarah is due May 3rd and is 10 weeks pregnant. I am SO excited!!!! My baby brother, a DADDY! I can't really believe it. But it's so wonderful. Just 11 months (not even that) younger than Matthew. I'm so happy that the boys are getting cousins on both sides very close to their own age. I'm especially excited about this baby because it will be my first blood-related niece or nephew! I have sweet little Ella for my niece, but she isn't related to me by blood, since she is Neil's sister's little one. She and Arthur and Matthew are blood-relatives though. Weird, that. Anyway, I am so excited! They have their first scan next week. Sarah is doing fine, feeling sick if she eats too much or gets too tired, but doing okay. It was a lovely window of happy excitement in my day!

I just want my little boy to get better now.

bugbugbugbugbugbug

Well here it is. The reason I almost chose never to have kids. Arthur has his first tummy bug. Poor little love, he's only been out-and-about at playgroups for 2 weeks and he's had 2 colds (8 days apart!) and now a tummy bug just 4 days after the 2nd cold hit. He is still pretty full of cold but it's definitely on the way out.

He woke at 3.30am last night and started being sick in bed - sooooo glad he's still co-sleeping, as Neil was right there on hand immediately. I seemed to have an uncanny waking seconds before he woke so I went straight in. After he was cleaned up and the bed was changed he was very excitable and full of energy. He asked for milk so I nursed him for a couple of minutes - I didn't want to fill his tummy too much. He was sick again after another 20 minutes or so, and then again 10 minutes later. Urgh. After that he slept, but he woke up for the day whimpering and just not sounding comfy. He is soooo pale today. He doesn't have a temperature but Neil said he felt hot in the night. He has been doing really well at sipping water from his cup - more than usual in fact. I didn't let him have any milk first thing this morning because he brought it up the last time, and the water seemed to be staying down. He was sick again in the first hour or so after he got up, and then he had a long morning nap. He has just sat on the sofa looking pale and watching videos today, which is very unlike Arthur. Neil or I sit with him at all times (thank goodness it's the weekend!!). He keeps asking for dit-dit (biscuit) and munk (milk) and even asked for tea at one point, so he must be feeling empty or hungry when he's not feeling sick. After some more water stayed down I nursed him for literally 30 seconds, just about 10 seconds after my milk let down strongly. He was hugely sick about 15 mins later, at 12.30pm or so :( Now he's sleeping again (it's 3.15pm) and has been for a couple of hours.

I am obviously completely scared out of my wits. BUT I am so proud of myself that I haven't shown it to Arthur (I hope) so far, and I've been there patting his back and telling him "good boy, you're okay" every time he's throwing up. Which is a MAJOR big deal for me. It's the first time I have ever been able to look at someone while they're throwing up.

But. I am so gonna get this bug, aren't I? I mean, I haven't been sick since April 1994, so my immune system probably let its guard down thinking that there's no such thing as a tummy bug anymore! Urrrgh. Plus, I'm so run down at the moment. Although I did not get Cold #2.... but still. I guess it will kick in over the weekend sometime if it's going to. I have no idea, none none none, what to do. I mean, there's nothing I can do but pray and just ride it out, but. I just become completely irrationally convinced that I am DYING when I am being sick. It's not just that I hate it - anybody would! It's like, think of the scariest thing that ever happened to you and then double it. I hate this phobia. Twenty-eight years is toooo long to have a phobia, but I don't know how to get rid of it. Maybe having kids will kick it?

Arthur is waking, I had better go. Please pray! And for Matthew too - I am so nervous for my tiny boy that he'll get it. I have been keeping Matthew off the breast that Arthur has had today, but I have also washed very thoroughly when Arthur has finished nursing. But he's so tiny and he's sooo gunky with Cold #1 still. It just doesn't seem fair to such a tiny one, and I don't know how to look after him with something like this. I think I am going to phone Sue from church and get her to pray with me over the phone.

New diary photo!

See my sweet darling little lovelies in my new diary photo?!! I can't believe I have two such precious people that came from my own body! They are just so so so so precious to me. I am just about the luckiest Mummy alive, I mean LOOK at them! Okay so I am somewhat biased and being rather what's-the-word about it, but I can't help myself. Looking at that photo makes my ovaries squeeze, hehe! I can tell I'm going to have to limit my own access to that photo (and others like it!) whenever I get my periods back and start being all fertile again ;)

Anyway, ffffinally!!! A photo where both my boys are looking at me and smiling! :) Okay so Arthur has his hand in front of his mouth, but oh well. If I take an even lovelier photo at some point down the line, I'll replace it again! Here are some other photos from the same little "session" - it's quite easy to get all these attempts at a nice photo, because Arthur constantly wants to "hoe" Matthew (hold him) or to "doe down" (lie down) next to him, and of course then I whip out the camera and hey presto! :) They are both smiley boys so it's not so hard, but they get distracted easily so they rarely seem to be smiling at me at the same moment!

Arthur was giving Matthew a kiss in the last one :)

I feel sooooooooo behind again, just with a week or whatever it's been since I last updated. Neil's week off work disappeared, and we're both more tired than when he started it! He has laid a new lawn in the garden and smashed down the barbeque. And the skip is half full. And um. I can't remember what else. It took waaaay longer than he'd expected. I got way less time with him around to give me a break than *I* expected. I wish we'd just somehow managed to pay a gardener to do it, but Neil still thinks it was worth doing. I just feel desperate for some time out, like a few days running at least. Next week he may have to go on a one-night overnight trip to France with his company for some client meeting. Both boys currently wake randomly in the night and need us to resettle them - at the moment Matthew can take quite a lot of work to resettle, and the last few nights I have had to wake Neil to help me. I can't even bring myself to think of a night without any help, with little ones who are that needy at night! He thinks maybe he can ask his sister to come and stay with me, but I don't know.... Anyway, I am refusing to think about it for now!

So I didn't get time to sew, or read the many diaries that I'm crazily behind on, or anything. But I did play The Sims 2 last night :) Yay! It's weird how I feel just a touch more organised the next day, after getting into a groove of organising a busy Sim family! I know that's weird of me or something, but I do notice a slight difference in how organised I feel after I play The Sims, haha!

Anyway, quickly, because Neil is making sausages and mash (mmmmmm!) and I don't want to be all evening on the computer tonight - Matthew caught Arthur's cold, but he had it ever so mildly, which is a big relief! Poor little love has been soooo congested in the last few days as it does the "clear out" stage. That's why it has been so much harder to resettle him at night. Then Arthur came down with a brand new cold, a record 8 days after the start of the last one! He was still snotty from the last one, but he just streeeamed and streamed and his runny nose was clear and not green (sorry!), so I knew it was a new one. He's doing okay though, and is cheery as ever. This cold seems mildish too. I'm still clutching to the hope that my milk is making it milder for him and not that he's just warming up for some humdingers once the season gets underway! Yesterday when I finally got them both down for naps in the afternoon, I left Arthur sounding like a propellor engine breathing through his nose, and then I crept into the other bedroom to peek in at Matthew who was sleeping in his cot bed, and the sound of Arthur's propellor faded out as I left his room, and an even tinier Matthew-propellor sound faded in as I approached my tiny boy :( I am taking plenty of vitamin C!

Today we all went to the doctor for various things - Arthur was prescribed antihistamine medicine for how he keeps banging his nose on everything and rubbing it like it itches, to see if it's allergy-related. But he couldn't tolerate the taste so I went back to get a different one, to see if it's any easier for him. That's the only other one, so I hope he'll take it! Also I asked about his sweats and high-energyness, and the doctor says she thinks he's fine. She says he's probably just a very active little boy (some are more so than others, she says) and excited at Playgroup, and maybe working out some frustrated energy too. She says he is getting on wonderfully with Matthew but that doesn't mean he is without frustrations over the changes in the last few months. So anyway, that's helpful to know.

Matthew has a nappy rash that we've been treating with 2 different creams for weeks and weeks, and it's just not going. I mentioned it to the Health Visitors when I took the boys to the Baby Clinic on Friday (more on that in a mo!) and they said it was unusual to see nappy rash problems in a baby who wears cloth nappies - that's what I thought too. Anyway they said it might be thrush so I should take him to the doctor. She thinks he has a combination of eczema-ish rash (again, poor Matthew - just as we've got the eczema on his neck, back and chest under control with this new cream!), and possibly a fungal infection :( So she's prescribed him some cream that will treat both things. He can only use it for 2 weeks because it's got steroids in it. And also we noticed at the weekend that Matthew had some dry bleeding skin in between two of his toes - the poor sausage! The doctor says he has a little athlete's foot!!! How can a 3-month-old have athlete's foot?! She told me to be sure and give his feet some air time (without socks on) each day and stuff like that. But Matthew NEVER wears socks in the house, and I dry his toes after baths (which don't actually happen as often as I'd like for him anyway). So it's weird. She asked if he had been in contact with fungus (!!) of any sort, and I said no. But then I DO have the itchy ear thing back since yesterday. It seemed to clear up on its own, and now it's back with a vengeance. I want to pull. my. ears. off. Seriously. Just the pinna though - that bit of the outside of your ear at the top. I googled and thought it might be a fungal infection of the skin or something (how, though?!). The doctor thinks it's eczema - although why it's suddenly started I have no idea. She said I should use some of Matthew's cream for it and it should clear up. Matthew has a different cream for his athlete's foot. Poor Matthew!

Anyway. Oh yes, the baby clinic! It's been 3 weeks since I had Matthew weighed so I wanted to find out what he weighs now. He is at about the 20th percentile or just below, so another teeny tiny drop but there is beginning to be a nice pattern of a curve on the chart, which shows he is growing healthily but just at a lower percentile, so that's fine. Phew! He weighed 13lbs 1oz at 15 weeks. Arthur, at 14 weeks, weighed 15lbs 1oz!!! He was a chunker though ;) I had Arthur weighed as well, and he was 29lbs 8oz, up on the percentile chart for the first time since before my milk dried up in the first half of my pregnancy, so I'm pretty sure it's the mama milk that's doing it :) He is now at the 80th percentile again, where he was before I got pregnant. They weighed him on a standing scale wearing his clothes, nappy and shoes though! So I'm not sure whether to attach that much faith to the reading given that it won't be totally accurate.

The health visitors were lovely as usual. They complimented me on my boys, told me they weren't surprised I had a stomach ulcer, boggled at Arthur's energy as he bounced off the walls the whole time we were there, and told me to consider a) weaning Arthur, and b) getting him in some sort of paid, leave-him-there playgroup at least two mornings a week, to give myself a break. *sigh* I don't know what to do about all that. I don't want to wean him, and I don't really want to leave him anywhere at his young age. I know plenty of kids/mothers do it, but I personally think it's too young. If we DID do it there would obviously be benefits, both for Arthur and for me, but I just feel that those are benefits that will simply come later on otherwise, and which aren't necessary to life just now. Except for the "me needing a break" thing. But Arthur doesn't need to be without me yet. That will come soon enough as it is, without me rushing it!

However, I did take the number of the children's information service local to me, and I called them to enquire about playgroups (the leave-them-there kind) in the area, at least to get him on the waiting list for one I like. It's time to do that, even if I don't want to actually leave him anywhere yet. The waiting lists can be long, so I need to get started now. It has been weird to look at the list they sent me, and start assessing the different places. I realised how much I SO TOTALLY DON'T WANT TO LET HIM GO! I am so attached to Arthur. At the age he's at now, it's a GOOD thing, and he benefits from being attached to me now. But the time is coming (way too fast suddenly!) where he will need to start stepping out and doing more independent things. I will need to step back just that little bit and allow part of our day to be without each other. I just can't fathom what it might be like NOT to be aware of what he's doing at every moment of the day or night! Seriously. I always see what he's doing. He never worries about whether I'm there, but *I* always see what he's doing. It feels like a loss of... not control, something else that I can't put my finger on, to leave him somewhere and not be able to see for myself exactly what he's doing throughout the time he's there - how he reacts to things, what his expression is when somebody says something to him, every tiny detail that I normally see for myself. I know I will hear about his time there, but it won't be the same and I feel sad about that. I am beginning to see more and more why so many mothers leave their kids at a new playgroup or nursery in tears - it's such a huge emotional wrench to leave a part of you behind, because for me, that's what Arthur is. He's a part of me, like a limb or something. I never realised quite how much until I started seriously contemplating moving on and taking him to a playgroup and leaving him there. I already feel like it's going to ache and ache to leave him and I'll miss him so much, even for an hour or so. Is that crazy? I just love him so much. He's been part of my life 24/7 (quite literally for most of his life!) for almost 2 years and we have not ever been without him. I mean, we haven't ever been out and had somebody babysit. We've never left him in the church creche even, we stay with him.

I think the first thing to do is going to be leaving him at the church creche. That's an easy start. He seems ever so confident and secure in general, out and about, and never looks for me while he's playing. But then he has never once had any cause to question that I might not be there. He seems a little more clingy to me at the moment, while he's had these two colds though.

Anyway. I can't BELIEVE it's October and that means my baby boy is going to be two years old next month!!!! Yikes! Where did the time go?! I have noooo idea what to do for his birthday. It falls on a Thursday and Neil is going to take the day off work. We want him to have a nice birthday! I don't know what we'll do on the day though - we'll probably try to think of all the things he likes doing best and do them. That seems like the nicest thing for Arthur. I hope he won't be ill that day. I feel like I want to mark the occasion with a party or something, but my parents won't be here (they're coming over a week or so before his birthday for some other reason), our house is toooo tiny for many people (especially kids!) and anyway, he doesn't actually have a social circle yet. He sees LOADS of kids at playgroups, but he doesn't play WITH them much and isn't at the age for building up relationships with other kids yet. Except for Joshie, so maybe something small with Joshie? But I don't know what. Anyway, there will be homemade cake, whatever we do! :) I can't decide what theme to do for the cake though. He likes so many things, and those could even change by November! So I'll wait a couple more weeks to decide.

He's so into playgroup at the moment! We went to a smaller one today and he looked pretty bored. It was in one small room and just had a few different activities laid out, and he just likes SPACE and running or riding cars and stuff. He likes to paint and draw and build and he is getting ever so into pretend play these days, and he likes anything to do with toy cars, but he mostly likes to RUN. This playgroup did not have space for him to run and he seemed frustrated with that. It took a lot of work on my part to interest him in pretend cooking in the play kitchen, but he was keen on that after a while. He hates sitting still for story time or singing. This kind of thing is a great pointer for us when we choose which playgroup he'll go to. It HAS to be one with an outdoor play area and lots of space and energetic activities. There seem to be lots without these criteria, but we know we can't send him to one of those. They wouldn't suit Arthur at all.

Playgroup yesterday was good. Arthur was full of cold, but he was eager to go and I remembered the golden rules which state that you should take your kids to playgroup with colds, so we went. I wore Matthew on my front, facing out in the Hug-a-Bub for the first time, and it was fine. It was much comfier than the Baby Bjorn, and he didn't want to come out to be held or fed or anything so I didn't have to fiddle about with it there. But it did get looser and looser as time went by, and I was in the loos twice, yanking and cranking at the straps to try and tighten it with Matthew still in it! I'll have to do it really tight from the start next time and see if that helps. I got a couple of comments on the Hug-a-Bub, but mostly I got a lot of stares that I wasn't sure were all that friendly. I don't know. Most of the mums there carry their babies in carseats and leave them in another ROOM asleep while they go and chat in a circle of mums, so maybe they thought I was being all weird or something. I don't care. I'm not there for my own social life. I admit I keep myself to myself unless I'm approached, and even then I'm shy and find conversation a bit awkward. If I meet someone who I have loads in common with and we hit it off, I am very different with that person - not shy at all. But I don't really put myself out there. I am just there for Arthur really, to take him there so he can let off steam and have some fun! If I meet other mums and enjoy a social moment, that's a bonus for me. If not, I'm happy watching my little ones.

Okay the evening is disappearing! I wanted to just write a few quick things that Arthur is doing/saying before they become old news again and something else is new!

He pretends a lot these days! He crawls about saying excitedly, "Lion!" or "Ti-gah!" and then says "Rrrraaarr!" a lot, hehe :) He likes to be a lion or a tiger. He also loves to play cooking or cleaning, but he's been doing that for a while. I built him a little den/tent thing in the living room last week and Monkey and I paid him a visit (very cordial it was!). Monkey arrived first, and knocked on the door saying, "Can I come in?" and this little voice floated out from under the tent, "Yes..." so in went Monkey (in my hand, obviously) and I heard Arthur giggle :) Then I knocked and said, "Can I come in?" and heard, "Yes..." so I went under the tent too! Arthur was mixing furiously in a plastic bowl with a spoon, and told me he was making "beeeens!" for "teee!" He spoon fed Monkey his tea, but allowed me a little more independence, hehe! He's clearly practising for being a 9-year-old boy though - his favourite part of the once-sophisticated tea party was when Monkey started farting after eating all those beans. *sigh* He CRIED laughing while he breathlessly told me, "Mump-mee, farp! Pwwoooar! SKINKS!" over and over.

He now knows when there are two of something, and I hear him gleefully say, "Two!" during his play throughout the day as he picks up another of something he's already holding, or something like that. He'll pick up one of my hands and then take the other one and say, "Two!" He only ever says "two" now when there actually are two of something, so I think he really does know "two". He uses "two" for counting games as well. Like he's seen a TV programme where some kids are playing hide-and-seek, counting with their eyes covered before they go and look for their friends, and today I saw him standing in the living room with his hands over his eyes, going, "...Two.... (whip hands away from eyes)... Ed-or-nop!" (ready or not! Hehe!) He only ever says, "two" at the moment, not any of the other numbers, before he calls "ed-or-nop!". Today I was singing a song from playgroup, doing the actions with Matthew while Arthur was eating his tea. It's that song that goes, "Zoom, zoom, zoom, we're going to the moon. Zoom, zoom, zoom, we'll get there very soon. Five, four, three, two, one, BLAST OFF!!!" The actions require me to swing Matthew (or Arthur, when we're at playgroup) into the air on the words "BLAST OFF!" After he finished his tea, he sat at the table for ages with his drink in front of him, clutching it in his hands and singing, "...Two... Baaaah!" and swinging the drink into the air on "Baaaah!" Funny boy :)

I give him so much attention and praise when he says colours and numbers, that I have noticed him use that when I am doing the sleep-separation thing with him at bedtime. It's where I have to ignore him but stay with him till he's asleep. He lies there saying, "White, reh, blooo, two, nine, shheeess!" hehe! I know he's trying to get my attention, since that normally works in the day ;)

His latest new words are things like, "sing" and "walk", and he is saying a LOT more things like, "lie down". He communicates a lot more just in the last week about actions he wants me to carry out. Like if he wants me to put Matthew down, he'll say, "Ma-ma, pop DOWN eeyah!" (put Matthew down here!). It's taking us ages to work out his new directions, but it's lovely to finally understand that "Ma-ma, bing dam" means he wants me to bring Matthew downstairs! He is less frustrated when I can finally comprehend what he's saying and tell him that Matthew is asleep so Mummy can't bring him down just yet, rather than looking at him blankly and apologising after a few pathetic attempts! He is getting very assertive about what he wants us to do WHEN he wants it! He will come to me when I'm sitting on the sofa, grasp my hand and pull up and out towards him, saying, "Walk, tit-tin" (walk to the kitchen). Once I've let him lead me by the hand into the kitchen, it's, "Up! Bub-bub" (lift me up to the cupboard!) and then once he's in my arms with the open cupboard in front of him, he smiles and says, "Dip-dit!" (biscuit!), hehe! Notice he has no qualms about eating when it comes to dip-dits, eye-deem (ice-cream), gake, or cuk-uk (chocolate)! He does NOT get those things to eat however. He has ice-cream with chopped bananas occasionally for dessert if he ate a good tea or something. But that doesn't stop him asking for the stuff all the time! He has a sweet tooth like his mummy :)

He comments on everything these days, with lots of expression in his words, which is something I am so sad that I can't really convey when I write about his sayings in my diary. I just can't seem to get his tone of voice across in my writing here, and that is sometimes the biggest cute-factor, more so than the way he pronounces the words. I love when he goes to the window, peers out and says, "Oh NO!" (startled) and then after a pause, "Nooo" (sadly) followed by, "Wayne, wet, oh no" He gets so sad about the rain because I think he remembers a couple of occasions where I've told him we can't go out right now because it's raining. But I haven't said that for ages, and usually we just go out anyway with wellies (he has his first welly boots (size 6), with the Teletubbies on them, and he LOVES them!) and a raincoat and get wet! But he still seems sad about it. Sometimes he'll say, "Walk, no." and look sad. He says "no" after a word to tell us that it's something he can't do or isn't doing, or something he can't find. So, "Car, no" if he can't find the car he's looking for, or "Guck, no" for when he's lost his drink and can't see it. Or "Daddy, no" if Neil isn't there when he wants him to be. It's very endearing! He uses the word "cuggo" (cuddle) a lot now when he's tantrumy or upset about something, or if I've told him he can't have something that he wants. That's usually swiftly followed by "mung" which is the latest pronounciation of the word "milk", which was "mum" only last week! But lately I am pretty much only giving him milk first thing in the morning, at nap time and at bed time.

I am working on his meals. He has gone off the only 3 foods he would eat, and seems more panicky and fussy around food than ever, so I figured enough was enough and I am just putting much more variety in front of him, even though he won't TOUCH it, and then refusing to let him fill up on milk till bedtime or nap time or whatever. That way, he doesn't starve because if he really is hungry by bedtime then he can have a good breastmilk feed, but he should also become aware that if he doesn't eat food he is going to feel hungry, and hopefully start trying to eat new things a bit more. He took a bite of tuna and mayo sandwich today but spat it back out again. But that's a HUGE improvement. Normally he won't even touch the food, and makes a phlegm-at-the-back-of-the-throat sound just looking at it!

He's continuing to combine words to make himself understood. The other day he kept on trying to bite the blue lights off his toy police car. I warned him not to do it or I would put it up on the high shelf out of his reach. He did it again straight away (he's testing me EVER such a lot lately), so I immediately took it from him and put it up on the shelf, explaining to him why I was doing it. He listened, and then went into the kitchen, and reappeared with a plastic food tub, which he placed upturned on the sofa seat next to the shelves. Then he looked at me and pointed to the box, saying, "Ah-yah, nana, reeach" (Arthur, police car, reach!) very matter-of-factly! Little monkey! Of course he did not get to do what he planned and I explained exactly why not! He is soooo honest at the moment. He can't help but tell me the truth about something, even if it means he gets disciplined for it! There is a rule that if he's riding his car, he must not drive it into Mummy, Daddy, or Matthew, OR the mat if Matthew is on it on the floor. If he does so, his car gets taken away and put behind the stair gate thingy where he can't reach it for a while. He doesn't like this at all, but he still tries us out for size. He will ride RIGHT up to the forbidden person/thing, and just stop short. If he does drive into me, I say to him, "Did you just drive into Mummy?" and he says, "Yah", even though it's like he then realised that he's dropped himself in it and starts to protest straight away as I take the car away.

Discipline with Arthur is still a challenge. Half the time he is just pent up with energy and frustration over it, which is why he acts up in the first place. I really need to help him with that rather than sit at home, creating the situation FOR him and then punish him for his reaction to it. But some of the time he is really testing me to see if I'll be consistent, and I'm trying to be. It's hard work. In the past (not too far back even), we have smacked him a few times, but not recently. I don't want to smack him at ALL. We used the naughty chair with him again twice last week, wondering if he's nearly old enough yet. We were going to start that again when he was two, but he's nearly two and sometimes I have no idea what else to do to discipline him, so... It seemed to work, but it took over 30 times of putting him back on the naughty chair before he sat out his time there, which actually meant that the whole process of disciplining him over something took the best part of an hour - continually focusing on it, which was hard work and it also meant that other things got put off because of it. But it's supposed to get better with perseverance! I used a similar technique at the doctor's today in the waiting room. He was running off and I was telling him to stay in the waiting room where I could see him. There's an aquarium and some children's books, but he just wanted to run away, probably because he knew I didn't want him to. I brought him back and told him that if he ran away again I would sit him on my lap and he would have to sit still with Mummy for a while. He ran away immediately, so I sat him on my lap. Matthew was in the pushchair SCREAMING this whole time (as usual), and I was wrestling a human EEL while people looked on. After a few minutes I let him down and told him again what would happen if he ran away. He took 3 paces away from me, adopted an over-exaggerated about-to-dash-away-gleefully pose, and shouted, "Wun 'WAY!" And then did just that, elbows pumping, beaming from ear to ear. Urrrgh. Then I wrestled him onto my lap for another few minutes while Matthew continued to scream. Fun fun. The receptionist took pity on me in the end and asked if I would like her to pick Matthew up. I said yes PLEASE, so she did, and as she lifted my tiny sobby boy out of the pushchair, he stopped crying immediately and looked around the room as though he was wondering where he was, and he looked soooooooo cute, I wish I could tell you how much, lol! Every woman in the room did this gasp with their hand to their chest, hehehe! I love that :) Anyway that was so helpful. I just focused on Arthur while the entire female staff descended on my smallest son and squatted down around the chair where the receptionist was sitting with him on her lap, cooing and stroking his cheeks and so on. Matthew absolutely soaked it up, giving them winning smiles and cooing his best chat-up lines, hehe!

Speaking of Matthew - here are a few recent photos of him! First, that beloved bug again - he's getting so strong on his tummy!

And a rare dummy photo - he seems to have a vulnerable time of day, no matter how well he's slept during the day, where he is just fragile and hard to console. It's the end of his day so it's probably just accumulative tiredness or overstimulation, even though sometimes he's only been up since his last nap for an hour or less. Anyway, he'll cry that WHOLE time, a couple of hours sometimes, if he's not held constantly or rocked just right, etc. I can't do that for him like I wish I could, with Arthur's tea to get ready and then tea time to see to during that time. He seems to want to suck more than anything else during that time, as though he is in need of extra comfort at this most vulnerable part of the day for him. So once I realised that I started to offer him a dummy once he started showing signs of getting that way around 4 or 5pm, and he's better with that. He still cries on and off, and I have to keep popping a dropped dummy back in, but there is SO much less crying involved overall that I'm very glad to have those dummies. I hold him as much as I can during that time too, and once or twice on a bad day I have managed to make tea and supervise Arthur eating it with Matthew in one arm the whole time! It's HARD work though, so the dummies really help me with that.

He just LOOKS vulnerable in that photo, my little lambie love :(

He's getting balder and balder in certain places on his head, but maintaining the mohawk nicely, hehe! It is getting a little thinner actually, but it's still there. The hair that remains has grown almost an INCH since he was born! Underneath the balder areas, I can see the beginnings of new hair growing in, and you will not believe it, but it's BLOND!!!! I am still not sure I've seen right yet, because I just can't believe we can produce a blond child with our genes! And it's early days. But it's definitely blond. Only the finest downy few millimetres of hair so far, but whitish blond in colour. I can't believe it! Dark-haired, brown-eyed Arthur, and BLOND-haired, blue-eyed Matthew! How crazy. But I'm sure if it IS blond that he won't stay that way. He has brown eyelashes and eyebrows, although they are lighter than Arthur's ever were, so I know he'll be fairer than Arthur. They DID used to look ginger/red, but they look more brown these days. It's a mystery, still! I'll just have to wait a while longer to see what his hair will REALLY do.

Matthew is really ticklish, much more than Arthur was at his age. He giggles when I snuffle his ribs or armpits, and it's pretty much the only thing he'll actually chuckle at, so you can imagine I'm doing that a LOT, hehe! He smiles SUCH a lot though, and enjoys sounds that I made when I talk to him. He makes the start of a laugh sound but then doesn't chuckle. His laugh sounds exactly like Arthur's did at his age (and pretty much still does). I LOVE Arthur's laugh, it's infectious - so I'm really happy to hear Matthew's sounding the same!

We went to church AGAIN on Sunday - 3rd time running, yay!!! It was great. This time it really started to feel like we were a part of the church again. We decided (or rather, I did, and then we discussed it and agreed) that it's time we started giving (financially) to the church again - we haven't in years and years. We are a bit strapped for cash so it's a leap of faith to support the church financially. It's something I LOVE doing, because it feels sooooo good to give money away so recklessly, haha! And it's always always always an opportunity to watch my faithful God just step in and provide for us financially.

I went forward for prayer at the end of church again on Sunday - I think I'm going to do that every Sunday for a while, because I REALLY need it and it's wonderful to be prayed for/with over pressing issues at this time in my life. Also lately every single sermon is twanging some nerve in me and I end up needing to go forward for prayer in response to that. I love worshipping God with Matthew in my arms :) Neil is often chasing Arthur around the building, as he never stands still for a second, but then I can't remember a time at my church where there haven't been parents doing that with their toddlers during the worship time! They are in creche after that though. Matthew did a HUGE belch of a burp during a hear-a-pin-drop quiet moment while somebody was sharing a "picture" that they felt God was showing them, hehe! Babies never seem to burp, or choke on fast-flowing breast milk during a noisy song, do they? They seem to save that for those quiet moments!

Okay Matthew is waking (it's late now) and I have to go. Back soon though! :)