I'm so sorry I didn't update again after my last entry about Arthur being so poorly! Thanks ever so much for all the messages. I have the most helpful readers! I love all the tips you guys gave! I have read them out to Neil and will keep them in mind the next time we are in this kind of situation! And thank you all for just being SO nice and supportive. I love you guys!
Arthur did just have the throwing up for that one night - thank goodness!! He was sick 7 times, but I think he managed to fight it off a few other times in between, poor love. He was so scared of being sick and fought it all he could. He would cry and say he didn't want to be sick, which always means that's what's about to happen, and then somehow get all focused and determined and not get sick. Poor Arthur, my heart just broke for him with how violently he kept being sick, and how scared he was :(
Anyway. He was last sick maybe 11.30pm (after about 6 hours of it) and he had been sleeping between throwing up from about 9pm. After that time, I went downstairs and HAND expressed a teaspooonful of breastmilk every 5-10 minutes. I SO wanted to pump - it would have been so much quicker and easier, and less bruising!! But Neil had had one of his rare "efficient" moments a month or so ago, and decided the breastpump (all 20cm by 10cm of it, tsk!) was just clutter in the way (never mind the 50 million other MUCH larger items lying about!) and put it in the loft! So, no breast pump, and I had to hand express. I just kept filling a teaspoon and then when it was full, I took it up to Arthur (Neil was sleeping next to him by then) and woke Neil, and Neil sat Arthur up. He was always COMPLETELY asleep, which encouraged me. He suddenly went into such a deep sleep after that last vomit, which made me think he might be done with it at last. He just flopped when we sat him upright. I said to him each time, "Arthuuur? Here's some milky on a spoon for you, lovey..." and presented the spoon to his lips. He would open sleepily and suck the milk off the spoon without even waking, and then flop back down onto the bed. Then I would go back downstairs and express another teaspoonful. It took me 5 minutes to express that much each time! My milk isn't what it was before I was pregnant, now.
I think I kept that up till about 1.30am and then I called it a night. Arthur's mouth seemed less dry and he was obviously sleeping the bug off by then. Plus I was knackered and feeling bruised! ;) I was SO glad and proud to have got some good fluids into Arthur with all that work though, even just tiny bits at a time. I knew he would be better for it. Matthew woke when I went to bed though, and nursed for ages. And then he woke for the day at 5.15am!!!!! Yeurgh! I put him back in his cot, nursed him, put him back in his cot, nursed him, etc, and kept him sleepy till 6ish. Then we all got up - Arthur too, because I wanted to see how Arthur was and watch to see if he could keep milk and water down in more normal volumes.
I went into his room when I heard him wake, and he was lying on his back in bed, looking pale and thin, with ENORMOUS looking dark hair against his poor little face, but the BIGGEST beaming smile! I asked him if he was happy, and he hugged himself with glee (!) and whispered, "Yes!" I asked him why he was happy and he didn't answer, so I asked if he was happy to be feeling better, and he whispered, "Yes!" again with SUCH joy in his voice. Sweet little one!
So he has been on the mend since then. He was very out of sorts on Tuesday (the day after he was sick). He couldn't drink much at a time, breastmilk or water, without going pale and quiet again and lying on the floor very still, just like before when he was feeling sick before throwing up. He said his tummy hurt and he felt poorly, but he refused to admit he felt sick (just like the day before, even when I knew he DID). He got exhausted easily, doing nothing, and would lie about looking pale and anxious. I had already decided not to give him any food that day, only breastmilk, but he wasn't able to take much of that at a time till the end of the day.
The next day he was MUCH better, but still prone to exhaustion out of nowhere. We gave him bland foods, but decided not to do the BRAT diet. I figured he needed better nourishment than the BRAT diet offers, and in the past it has just led to constipation after he's better, so. He was much more "spirited" that day, getting very demanding ("I'm thirsty! Come onnn, hurry up Daddy - I want my DRINK!" *sigh*) and much more into playing and giggling and running about for short bursts. The BEST thing in the world was when he started singing again! Then I knew he was getting better :) He now sings ALL the time, almost constantly. His pitch is way better already and he keeps time well too. He just sings and sings and SINGS! It's so lovely :)
Yesterday, Neil's youngest sister, Lilian, came to stay! We had to cancel the guy from church who was going to fix the bits and pieces that need doing in the house, and finish the paintwork, etc. Going by the 3 day rule (the one that means Arthur is infectious for three days after he STOPS having symptoms), the first day we would be germ-free would be Friday. So the whooooole week would be wasted. I don't think we'll have another opportunity to have the guy round, because - crazy as it sounds - it's not something I can manage without Neil here. Someone has to direct him and even work alongside him at times, and the boys can't be in the house for some of the work - well, maybe even most of it, especially the paintwork. So it can't be done when it's just me and the boys at home, with Neil not here. He starts his new job on Monday so our window for getting stuff done to the house is going to close. I'm so fed up about it. I was kind of cross with God about it at first. I felt like, well why did that have to happen?! The boys could have got sick much closer together than that, and we would have been able to have some of the week left to get the urgent stuff done, after they were both better. Or, Arthur did not need to get sick at all. Why THIS week, of all weeks?! Why did God allow that to happen even though he knew we needed this week desperately, with Neil home for just this short time between jobs. But, I don't know why it happened that way. And now I'm not cross so much and I don't have the same feelings towards God about it. He loves us. He hates to see the boys sick. He knows what he's doing. He is our Provider and will provide time and resources and money where we need it, at the perfect time. I trust him again! So that's good.
We also called to tell Lilian not to come because of the lurgy in the house, but she seemed un-bothered by the possibility of catching a bug, assured us that she wouldn't get it (she works with kids and seems to never get what they get) and insisted on coming anyway to help us! She's so wonderful! So she arrived yesterday. The boys warmed to her immediately, and she has been sooooooo helpful. She said she wants us to treat her as our nanny while she's here! She works as one, with a 3-year-old boy, and has done since he was a baby, so she is great with the boys. She has played with them while I have rested and watched them while Neil and I have packed up some of the clutter upstairs and put some things in the loft today. She and Neil took Arthur to the park this morning. He was begging to go out ("I think I'd just like to go on an outing..." - bless!) and they took him to the huuuuge park where he wouldn't have physical contact with any people or objects. By my reckoning, today has been his last infectious day. Now we wait another couple of days to be sure WE haven't picked up the bug. So far, so good. We have been washing our hands and not letting him put his hands on our faces, etc. And not kissing him :( I miss that!!!
Anyway. I am so glad he is better. He is eating more normally today - we gave him dairy foods again today so he's back on all the usual stuff now. He hasn't got a very big appetite even when hungry, but he's cheerful and energetic, and well on the mend! Yay!
So, I haven't updated because things have been busy, and Lilian is sleeping in the living room which is where I update my diary. She has been on the laptop sometimes while I have relaxed in front of the TV, and tonight we have switched places for an hour, so I am updating! But I have to stop now because it's late and she needs to go to bed (and so do I!). I just wanted to update about how the boys are doing and to say thank you so much for the messages!
I am WAY behind updating my pregnancy diary, so that is my next priority - hopefully tomorrow. Will update here again when I can, too! Please pray that Neil and I don't get ill! Neil has his new job to start and I DON'T want to be ill or recovering while he's unreachable at his new job, after Lilian goes home on Sunday! Thank you!! :)
Matthew is fine - today (Monday) is three days since he threw up so today I can kiss him all over again!!! I've SO enjoyed it, until 5.30 this afternoon when Arthur went all quiet and then threw up on the sofa :( As far as I know, Matthew has been infectious these past few days so it's not unexpected for Arthur to come down with it today, and because Matthew has been poorly/infectious, we haven't been anywhere (Neil took Arthur to the park a couple of times for a walk though).
But is this really the same bug as Matthew had? Matthew barely woke to throw up, and then went back to sleep, and didn't throw up again. He wasn't himself the next day but was eagerly having breastmilk by the evening (less eager in the am). It's now 10.10pm and Arthur has just been sick for the sixth (seventh??) time. He has nothing left to bring up, and he is sooooo poorly with it. He's pale and lethargic, and isn't taking fluids much so he is looking dehydrated. Any sips of water he takes get brought up again. It's SO different from Matthew. Can it still be the same bug, just experienced to SUCH different degrees by two different children? Matthew DOES get things mildly (so far) and he licks the floors wherever we go, which everyone tells me must do wonders for his immune system! He's been doing that DAILY since before he could crawl.
I feel so so bad for Arthur. He is now frightened to be sick almost as bad as I was at his age. My heart is BREAKING because of how awful I know it feels to be that terrified. I try to say all the right things, things that helped me the most when it was me in his shoes. Next time he's sick (hopefully he won't be though) I am NOT producing a bowl. He has been SO good, always being sick in the bowl. But now he's so scared to be sick that the presence of the bowl terrifies him. I don't care about laundry, I care much more about his feelings. So it's towels next time, I think. Poor poor lambie love. I hope he gets better soon. He went to bed at normal time, whimpering that he wanted to go to bed. He didn't have breastmilk, just went to sleep with me patting his back. But he woke after an hour and was sick, and has stirred awake a lot.
His mouth is dry and he isn't comfy. His tummy hurts him. I am not sure what to do. We don't have dioralyte (pedialyte) in the house and we just want to stay with him right now instead of one of us leaving to find some. Breastmilk is as good as that stuff, if not better, but I'm afraid to give him too much at once like the gastroenteritis situation in September, and MAKE him sick from that. But he needs fluids. I'm so worried. I hope it goes away this time, instead of staying A WEEK. If it's Matthew's bug, it surely will, overnight. But do you think it can't be the same bug, with how much worse it is? I'm scared if it's a different once because I figured Matthew has had it so he's sharing the breast with Arthur. And thus well exposed to this nasty one already, if it IS one he hasn't had. Oh help! I wish I knew the answers!
I will check messages later in case anyone has good advice. I wanted to write a normal entry here tonight, and a pregnancy update for 10 weeks, but I don't think I'll get those done tonight somehow. Maybe in a couple of days when everything is settling. And PLEASE please pray that Neil and I don't get this bug. It looks HORRIBLE. I'm scared all over again, because now we re-start the whole "quarantine" period with the hand-washing and the non-kissing for Arthur :( I wish it would all just GO AWAY! Darn poxy playgroup last poxy week. And we have to miss v. expensive Tumble Tots tomorrow. *sigh*
I just wanted to say thanks SO much for the messages after last night's anxious entry, and for all the prayers and reassurance and advice, etc.
Matthew didn't throw up again! Yay! Thank you God! He slept fine but had restless patches. I had hardly ANY sleep, because every time he stirred I was instantly propped up on my elbows, squinting through the dark into his cot (right up against my bed) to see if he was okay. He stirred a LOT. *sigh* He didn't wake properly or seem to want to nurse, despite the mucho stirrings, until 4.30am. He did want to breastfeed then, but he didn't really suck. It's as if he knew he didn't really want to fill his tummy, but he wanted the comfort of being attached to me for a bit, bless his heart. Once my let-down kicked in, I had to take him off the breast after a short while in case he was getting too much at once, and he cried soooo much :( Neil came and helped me rock him and comfort him and settle him. If he wanted more 30 minutes later I would have breastfed him again, but I did NOT want to overfill his delicate little tummy the first time after he threw up. Poor Matthew.
Anyway, he slept then until 7am and I nursed him when he woke, but he did the same thing and didn't suck much. He got quite a bit of milk though. He has been all smiles and his normal happy self from the word go today. The first thing he did when we took him downstairs was to BEAM at Arthur and instantly initiate a game of "Follow" (a crawl-and-chase game they have been playing together for months and months!). He squealed and laughed happily while they played that energetically, and he has basically been like that all day. He has been climbing everywhere and driving me crazy! He has been putting EVERYTHING in his mouth, urgh. There's just no way I can protect Arthur from getting this bug, if it is one.
Matthew has been super clingy at nap times. He has cried inconsolably and cling so hard to my neck if I try to put him down. Which I have HAD to sometimes when I ran out of breath/energy to hold him any longer. But he has napped well in the end, twice. I have not given him any solid food today. I have offered him the breast more frequently and he has taken more and more as the day wore on. At bedtime he sucked and gulped as strongly as he used to, and got plenty of milk, so that's good. He did have a strong-smelling wet nappy this morning but he must have been better hydrated since because the rest have been fine. He had one poo today and that was a bit dodgy but not diarrhoea at all. Tomorrow I will offer him just toast for breakfast and see how we go. He will get a lot of breastmilk and water tomorrow too.
Arthur had a HIDEOUS poo this afternoon that unnerved me. It's an "I'm not so well" poo, but not diarrhoea as such. He last pooed like that (just the once) the day that led to the night where he started vomiting with his horrible gastroenteritis bug that went on forever. He had no other poo during that whole bug, not for 10 days, it's like his body CLEARED OUT right before he got sick. I'm not sure if that's even possible, that long before other symptoms start, so I have always wondered if it was just a coincidental BAD poo. But now, another one, right as his brother has a vomity bug. Hmmm.... He has been fine all day, but looked a bit peaky at bedtime. I have asked him how he's feeling, and he always says he feels fine, his tummy doesn't hurt, he doesn't feel sick, but he's just a little bit tired.
Neil has gone to bed (he co-sleeps with Arthur) armed with a change of nappy, sleepsuit, and bedding for Arthur, and a bowl, just in case. Urrrrgh. I am hugely relieved about Matthew because I know he's on the mend. I don't expect diarrhoea from him even, since he's already pooed and it wasn't the runs. And he's getting better really fast. But now I am dreading another night ahead, because of worrying that I'll wake to hear Arthur throwing up instead. And the time is rapidly approaching where I know I will be in the "zone" for coming down with the bug if I was exposed to it when Matthew first came down with it. I so hate the waiting game with bugs. 99% of the time, for me, the waiting results in no throwing up or illness. But the chance is always the same, each time, as far as I'm concerned. Never mind the past examples! People always point out that I never get them in the PAST when I am anxious, but that statistic doesn't mean a thing the next time round, to me!
Anyway. I know Arthur must be exposed to the bug, so I'm just hoping he'll fight it off and not really suffer with it. That's what we're praying for. I have been soaping between nursing the boys like when Arthur had his gastroenteritis, except that I only soap myself before nursing Arthur. I know it seems crazy given that there are a million other ways that he's probably been exposed to the bug, but I can't bring myself to offer him a most-definitely bug-contaminated breast to his little innocent self, when he just wants to be comforted or to settle for sleep with some nice "milky". I just won't do it. If he gets sick I won't soap anymore. It really is worth the hassle and sore breasts, to me! And it's only for a short while.
I have been googling to try and figure out how long Matthew is contagious for. Nobody can give a straight answer, it seems. I am only really finding out about the more serious stomach viruses, and those say 3 days after vomiting/diarrhoea STOP - you're still contagious all that time. Why do so many parents NOT KNOW THIS?! It should be made clear to parents when they have kids or something - part of an advice scheme that no parent misses out on. Anyway. With the norovirus (HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE bug, hope we never ever get it!), some people are contagious up to 2 WEEKS after symptoms stop. No wonder these things spread about. Urgh.
Anyway, so I would go for the 3 day thing maybe? I want to know when I can kiss those sweet cheeks again! It's torture not being able to! I'm thinking, since he started AND finished vomiting on Thursday evening, he should be free of infectiousness by Monday, right? Although, the poo today that was dodgy (though not diarrhoea).... Should I count it from that instead? I think this counts us out of going to a baby dedication at church on Sunday :( I was looking forward to it, but I will NOT be a mum who takes her kids to places before they are finished being infectious with bugs. No way.
I do still wonder about the ingesty thing. I know that it's not food poisoning as such, because I know what Matthew eats, and we eat the same, so it's not FOOD. But I just wondered about whether kids can pick up a quarter-centimetre sized crumb of goodness-knows-what, put it in their mouth, and throw up from that? That's the kind of thing that Matthew does, and what I meant when I was saying about the phrase, "Maybe it's something he ate?" I can see it if he's eating old food off the floor in enough quantities, stuff that is big enough to see that it is rotten old food (yeurgh!). But we don't have that kind of thing on the floor, just dried out crumbs of whatnot - snack bars, biscuit crumbs, I can't think what else, but definitely some of the crumbs he gets in his mouth are not either of the above, and yet still definitely a food of some sort that's really old (but still only tiny crumb-sized). Could that still make him sick? Our house is so gross.
Okay Matthew has now woken twice (10 mins apart) since I started this, so now it's late and I need to hurry and post this and go to bed. He's fine, just wanted to breastfeed the first time, and then seemed to wake unsettled the second. I don't know why. I hope he will sleep okay, though I did say to him as I put him to bed, "Now, you be sure to wake me for milky as often as you like in the night, okay?" :) If he DOES, I will probably feel like complaining as I'm soooo tired from last night's non-sleep, but I do actually want him to get his fluids back up nicely, more than I care about my sleep tonight. But I still kind of hope he will just want to sleep!
Will update again soon. Hopefully we all don't get sick this weekend. Thanks so much for the lovely messages everyone!
Oh but first, thank you SO much for the messages after my last entry! I guess I wrote the entry just to vent but how encouraging it was to read such sweet messages! Shannon, I just love you. Your message was like... my shoulders literally dropped 4 inches, I felt so refreshed and reassured to read your words. I sooooo needed reminding of those things. It's SUCH helpful spiritual advice that I would almost like to post the whole thing here in a diary entry. Would that be okay? Then I (or anyone else) could refer to it again when needed! Thank you so much :)
Okay, so I should probably follow that same advice this evening but I'm feeling toooooo freaked out and panicky right now. So yesterday (Wednesday) I was all out of ideas for things to do with the boys. We went to Tumble Tots on Tuesday as normal, and though it was hard and I felt gross, it actually made the day pass so much easier. So I thought I would not manage so well without something to go and do each day. We had Fellowship Group this morning, but nothing planned for Wednesday. So I remembered that the huge mother-and-toddler group around the corner meets on Monday and Wednesday. I decided to take the boys after Matthew woke from his morning nap. We only got there for the last 45 minutes, but it was still an activity for the little ones.
We hadn't been there since September, because I hate my kids getting sick and Arthur got a couple of colds one after the other. Which is normal and not a terrible thing really. And then he got that AWFUL gastroenteritis bug where we had to take him to Children's A&E in the end. He didn't get it at the playgroup but still. I know a TON of people (most people, I think) would disagree with me on keeping my kids back from groups because of catching bugs. It IS too paranoid of me, but I also don't see the NEED for kids to go to groups. I see WHY they go - socialisation. But I read up on that a lot when we first considered homeschooling and discovered in fact that kids DON'T need to go to school/nursery/playgroup for their social needs to be met. On a completely separate matter, I also read at a different time about children's young immune systems and their need to be given stuff to work on. It has NEVER sat right in my gut that this means exposing them to viral illnesses. So, in order for your child to be healthy, he/she needs to go out and get sick sick sick! The sicker the better! That just doesn't sit right with me. From a Biblical perspective either. From what I read, the BEST way to build a child's immune system is actually exposure to endotoxins, not viruses. Endotoxins are what bacteria give off when they die, and the best source of those is, well, poo. Kids in large families and kids who live on farms or who have lots of animals in the house are the least likely to have underdeveloped immune system issues, and they have in common exposure to trace amounts of faeces. Anyway, no getting sick for these kids (more than normal stuff anyway), because their immune systems are being strengthened while they play all healthy and happy. THAT seems like the way it was meant to be, to me.
Anyway, I don't want to get into that whole theory/debate (not that it's a debate, but now that I've extended it as a theory, it has HUGE potential to become one *sigh*) in this entry, but I just needed to outline my feelings on it so it's clear where I am coming from on this issue. From the beginning of last year, when Arthur was a month or two older than Matthew is now, I started taking him to the playgroup round the corner. We went every Wednesday. Well, actually, every other Wednesday, because he would pick something up EVERY WEEK, and be off sick the following week. After 7 times in a row, I stopped taking him till the summer, because I was fed up seeing his immune system get a thrashing.
Anyway, we haven't been anywhere like that in ages because of how I feel about it. The boys don't miss it, though Arthur did enjoy it when we were there. Matthew seemed a bit quiet, but crawled around a lot. He wanted to sit and look more than play with toys. He didn't seem unconfident at all, even with like SEVENTY toddlers and babies there and the incredible noise of the place. He was fine, and didn't look for me until another baby whacked him in the face, and then he cried and was less sure. I held him a lot after that, but he still did some crawling around and picked up some toys and stuff. Arthur ran about and played as he always did, not really looking for me at all. He wouldn't join in the singing time, but he NEVER does, anywhere we go where they do singing!
There is only next week left in the term and then there's no more playgroup till September, by which time I hope we will have moved away. I sort of wanted to just see the lady I'd befriended, to tell her we were moving away and that I was pregnant again, and see how she was doing. Also, it was something local to do, easy to get to, and a good activity for the kids. It's July, so I hoped we might be less likely to pick up some lurgy than in the lurgy season.
So Wednesday morning. Now it's Thursday late evening, and Matthew just woke and threw up in his cot. I can't be bothered to repeat the dull story of my life-long phobia of vomiting, so that line will have to do as background to those who read here and do not know about that part of me. So of course now I am TERRIFIED. I am trying not to be, but hello?! Really, it's a stomach bug, isn't it? Spot-on incubation time (in fact, the last time I had a throwy-up type of stomach bug (April 1994!), I caught it at a playgroup I was volunteering at on a Wednesday morning and threw up at pretty much exactly the same time as Matthew did, on the Thursday evening), and Matthew has never thrown up in his life before, so it's not likely to be a random something-else.
Good things:
* He woke, threw up, cried a tiny bit, but no more than he usually does to tell us he's awake, and then was completely calm and wanting to get back to sleep. So, he wasn't distressed by it, and that's good.
* That was about an hour and 40 minutes ago. No more vomiting since then is a good thing, right? I know it doesn't mean he WON'T throw up again, but in my experience with stomach bugs (esp. bad ones, or with little kids), after the first upchuck, you pretty much do it again within like 20-30 minutes, sometimes after 10 minutes even. So it's got to be a positive thing that he hasn't had to throw up again yet, right?
* He's sleeping peacefully at the moment.
* So far no signs of diarrhoea - something we have NEVER had to deal with yet with our kids, and sooooooooooo don't relish the idea with cloth nappies!
* The rest of us are (so far) feeling fine.
Bad things:
* Oh my gosh I feel so panicky and don't now how to rise above the drowning feeling. I'm TERRIFIED I'll come down with it and have to throw up. Terrified. And there's nothing I can do about it. But pray, which I have been. But I am so faithless about it because I'm so busy being scared, so it's just "God help me!" prayer - the type where you believe you're going to get sick but you beg God not to let you. Not the faith-filled type where you trust God to protect you and don't have the fear therefore. *sigh* I just can't get to the place to pray like that. I'm so overwhelmed and scared about it. I am trying to remember what Shannon said about God not giving me more than I can bear, and that it's TRUTH.
* It's Neil's last day at work tomorrow. That's not really on the "bad things" list I suppose, but right now he's wondering about staying home because who knows what tomorrow will bring, sickness wise. He has a work gathering in the evening because he's leaving, at the local pub to where he works. He said this evening (before Matthew woke and threw up) that he sort of wouldn't mind getting out of it by saying he had a family emergency or something! It makes me shudder to think of him having said that now. I hope we DON'T have a family emergency by tomorrow evening!
* I'm scared about the night. Do I nurse Matthew when he wakes? Obviously, yes, I should. He normally wakes 3-ish times per night to nurse still. But I'm scared to put stuff in his tummy! I KNOW I mustn't restrict him because he needs his fluids, and there are no fluids out there better for him than breastmilk at a time like this. I guess I'm scared from when Arthur had gastroenteritis, because he threw up every drop of milk I let him take from me, for like a week straight, and in the end it got me so panicky, feeling like *I* was making him sick, even though he was longing to breastfeed. In the end, I had to reduce the amount he got to SUCH a tiny amount so that he could tolerate it - only 5 sucks (5mls of fluid in a syringe) every 5 minutes at first. I'm anxious to restrict Matthew too much though, because he does NOT take well to being taken off the breast at night! He always has his fill and then decides for himself to come off the breast. He cries and is hard to console otherwise, and I don't want to risk that in the night since he's poorly and I don't want to disturb Arthur.
* Even if he DOESN'T throw up again (unlikely though that is) - what on earth do I do with him, food wise, in the morning?! Will he be eager for his usual breakfast? Do I offer it to him? Do I restrict him from having solid food? What do I do?! I just don't want to make anything worse for him.
* So scared that Arthur will start throwing up too. He's more likely to be distressed about it, and who knows, might suffer from it worse than Matthew? Matthew has only ever had the MILDEST strains of things like colds that Arthur has had. He has only had two colds actually. That's it. And this now. He didn't catch the gastro bug that Arthur had, but I SOAPED my breasts before I nursed him. Oh my gosh. But it was worth the rawness!
* We have all sorts of things happening on Monday (I know it's only Thursday, but he'll be infectious at least 48 hours after the last vomit/diarrhoea, and it'll be longer if any of the rest of us come down with it) - Neil's sister is supposed to arrive to stay with us till Saturday, to help us sort out the house/look after the boys. We have a guy from church coming to do the DIY bits that need finishing. The Health Visitor is coming to do Matthew's 12-month follow up of his weight and vision thingy. All of us getting sick could seriously cause problems with our ONLY good stretch of time where we can actually make a good dent in some house stuff, that week that Neil is between jobs and at home. People can't come if we're infectious with a lurgy.
The first thing I felt when Matthew was sick, was how angry I was that I went back to the playgroup. EVERY darn time, we catch something, and it sucks. I know it's all "good" for the immune system, blah blah blah, but you know how I feel about that. It does not make me feel better. I would rather stay away from big groups than have my little ones sick ALL the time. I know all the benefits to early exposure. But I still don't care. Matthew is actually great at working his own immune system! He licks floors and I NEVER saw a baby put so much in his mouth as Matthew does. All babies do, but Matthew is just in his own league with this stuff! Everywhere we go, he licks floors, spends ages picking at cracks in floorboards and eating whatever he gets out. Our home is HIDEOUSLY unhygenic, which, let's face it, is actually no bad thing for the boys' immune systems! ;) The crap (not literally!) on our floors.... Matthew has some unidentifiable object from the carpet in his mouth at least a dozen times a day. Usually old snack crumbs or whatnot, nothing dangerous, just gross. Although last month Neil did prise a long-dead woodlouse out of his mouth, urrrgh! Good endotoxins in that, I should think! ;)
So he does his own thing at building up his immune system, and he doesn't get sick from it. A part of me (the clutchy-strawsy part me) is wondering if it's possible that he could have ingested something that made him need to throw up just the once, and not actually make him unwell like a virus does. Certainly not infectious. Does that really happen, or is it a myth? I know I hear sometimes, "Oh maybe it was something he ate?" but really, does that ever actually happen? Mostly it's viral bugs, isn't it. If we hadn't been to playgroup with such perfect timing for a bug right now, I would be wondering about something he ingested, since we hadn't really been anywhere else that he could have caught something. But we did. So that IS the likely reason, isn't it?
Urrrrrgh. I am so angry with myself for taking them there again. I can't believe I did it. I did have a nagging voice at the back of my mind about the fact that we always seem to catch something when we go there. But I thought, "Ah well, it's July. We could possibly catch a summer cold? Hopefully we'll be okay." and just went anyway. Urgh! If we were living here for a good while longer, I would still NEVER take them back there again. We go to Tumble Tots, and I'm interested to enrol the boys in other small groups for fun activities. I know they'll be exposed to bugs and colds there, but it's not the same as Germ Central down the road there, with over 70 toddlers each session.
Anyway. It has now been 2 hours since Matthew threw up and he's still sleeping peacefully. It's 11.45pm so I should go to bed. I'm extremely anxious about the night, so I'm procrastination over going to bed. I'm nervous to go to sleep for fear of waking up in pitch blackness to a) the sound of Matthew throwing up, b) the sound of Arthur throwing up, or c) feeling sick and knowing I have got a bug and can't escape throwing up.
Also, I am nervous about when Matthew wakes even NOT to throw up, because of nursing him and wondering if he'll keep it down, etc. It's times like these that I feel so insecure that I long to sleep with the light on. I think the last time I felt THAT insecure was when I was bleeding during my pregnancy with Arthur. Or maybe the all-night nosebleed with his pregnancy? Otherwise not since my childhood really. I just feel so insecure being the parent in a vomity situation! I still need my own parents when I'm faced with sickness! I get so scared. *sigh*
Anyway. Neil and I have both prayed over Matthew while he was sleeping, and we've prayed (individually) for the rest of us. We'll wash our hands and hope and pray. I just hope Arthur doesn't get it. I pray that it won't turn out to be something awful or distressing eventually, or something that just drags on and ON. So many of these things do these days, it seems. I just don't even want Matthew to be sick again at ALL. And everyone else to stay healthy. Please God?
This really isn’t what I wanted to write about on the next occasion I had time/energy to update my diary here! But I was updating my pregnancy diary and writing about how exhausted I have been feeling this week, and then I went off on a huge waffle about an argument that Neil and I had. And the more I wrote (and it was good to write it), the more I really didn’t think it belonged in my pregnancy diary. So I decided to copy and paste it here. I just wanted to get it off my chest, and it raised a lot of thoughts and feelings for me, so I felt better writing them down.
I am just pregnantly exhausted out of my brains this week, and still morning sick as before. It has been hard to manage the boys sometimes this week. I wrote more about that stuff in this entry at my pregnancy diary, if you are really riveted enough (!) for more of a background.
Thursday was a difficult day. My mood was horribly PMS-y and I felt tearful and overwhelmed easily, and was horrible to the boys at times :( They are sometimes more tantrummy than usual (Matthew is starting to be more toddler-ish in his moods lately too!) – I guess because they are not getting the activity or stimulation (or outings) that they are used to, and also I am not dealing with their frustrations very well sometimes. Occasionally I have to deal with issues that they’re having from the sofa, and that does not work for very long. Their frustration makes me frustrated, because I can’t seem to DO anything for them when I feel so sick and exhausted. It’s really the exhaustion that is the problem this week, though the nausea is the same as ever.
Neil came home on Thursday evening to find me completely at the end of my rope, emotionally, physically, etc. And he reminded me (I’d forgotten) that he had Friday and Monday off work to do stuff to the house – very urgent since he starts a new job in a different part of the country in 2 weeks, and we NEED to get the house on the market so we can sell and move to where his job is!! But I just felt so completely incapable of another day with the little ones, especially with him around the house but still needing to do my normal, lately “impossible” day with the boys. It felt completely overwhelming and I said I couldn’t do it. Anyway, naturally it’s a waste of his time off if he doesn’t use it for important stuff like the house, but of course now it’s Monday and NOTHING has happened to the house. Not a thing. I have just felt positively ILL with exhaustion. I do have a bit of a sore throat these last couple of days so maybe I’m fighting something viral on top, and that is what the exhaustion is about? I don’t know. Matthew had a TINY cold, but that was earlier last week and everybody’s fine.
Anyway we had a big argument about the whole thing on Saturday (I know I’m late writing about it, I would have at the time but I didn’t get chance), which ended up with me crying hormonally for ages, and absolutely no mention of it after that. *sigh* So, no resolution. And I hate when we argue and I cry (which I rarely do anyway), and Neil doesn’t even follow up on the fact that I was that upset, but just acts like it didn’t happen once I’ve re-appeared somewhat pulled-together and mopped up. I also hate how if it’s not resolved or talked through, it WILL come back to bite us in the bum when we next argue about the same kind of issue. Tsk. Which we will. It’s a recurrent argument for us, apparently. It’s all about how I need more help than is normal, blah blah blah, and I can’t possibly expect him to help with ALLLL that I need - of course not, he’s only one man, with his own stuff to deal with, which is why I keep suggesting/begging for other types of help during difficult times – anyone remember this being a PLAN for when I next got pregnant? Tsk. Seems Neil has selective memory over these things. And he can’t believe I want more kids after this when I seem to need help all the time with the ones I’ve got. And apparently it’s not just when I’m pregnant – every time Neil gets time off work, I seem to want him to give ME some time off with the kids. These were his irritable complaints, but my worry is that he’s RIGHT, and that makes me think:
a) I’m horribly selfish, and what on earth shall I do about that? b) I’m inadequate to the task of bringing up small children. c) I should accept that I am not up to being a mother of many, and rethink my desire to have lots of children. d) He totally does not understand my needs.
That is how it makes me feel. If he’s right, then I’m in trouble. If I really AM that selfish and unreasonable, then I HAVE to change. Have to. But I don’t know how.
But the main thing is the whole blow to my confidence over my ability to do the mothering thing. Other people DO manage without help, and without nearly so much help from their husbands. LOTS of other mothers do it. I DO want him to give me a break when he has time off work. EVERY time. I guess because I NEVER get time off from my job, and I need it just as desperately – actually, perhaps it’s selfish of me, but I think MORE so than Neil needs time off from his job. If Neil didn’t really do much at all in the way of bringing up the kids, then I would feel justified in insisting he gave me time out whenever he got chance. But he DOES help out so so so much. So I feel selfish, and probably AM selfish. But I still feel such a desperate need for a proper break – just time to myself, time to rest my body and catch up on sleep, time to have more than a straight hour of quiet in daylight hours where I do not have to feel slightly tense that at any given moment, somebody small might cry, yell, or call for me to do something for them. I still breastfeed both the boys on demand, pretty much, and that is a big thing to still be doing. I don’t want time off from that. I am happy to still be here to do the breastfeeding and settling-to-sleep and stuff. But sometimes I just don’t want to sit around while the boys play when I could be in my own space, if Neil is here to watch them too. The odd bit here or there, or evenings while they are asleep do not seem to count as real FREE time. They don’t feel the same as when I am given the gift of some genuine time out during the day. I get LOTS of bits of time, especially at the weekends, but I long for actual time out from my “work”. It’s so demanding and I need to be refreshed if I have a demanding job. I LOVE my job! But I still need proper breaks. Anyway. There is no chance for such things, since we have no family around and no friends who can really take the boys for us – they wouldn’t even be happy with such an arrangement since they have never been without us before anyway, and it’s not even something I WANT to do. But yeah, it leaves me under pressure sometimes. The ONLY chance for me to take a break is when Neil is home. He’s home at weekends, which I feel kind of guilty just “going on strike” (!!) for, the instant he’s off work! So we do weekends together, except I get more chances to rest and sleep in the morning and he takes the boys out before lunch so there is a window of quiet in the day which is lovely! He has taken them to the park right now, hence why I’m updating! :)
Weekends seem to only last seconds, and then it’s Monday again. Occasionally he takes a day off work, always for something “important” which is never me. I feel selfish writing that, but there we go. On those days, I just have this urge to GRAB the opportunity for some time out. It’s the only chance I will get. So this long weekend that he took, after a really difficult week, I grabbed with both hands and said I didn’t think it was realistic that he would get stuff done to the house, because I really needed some help with the kids and thought I would probably be feeling too exhausted/sick to cope with looking after them while he was around. I even hoped that he might give me some time out from looking after them. He agreed to Friday, which was very reasonable, but it has just turned out that nothing was planned with the house and it has ended up with nothing being done, and Neil helping out a LOT with the boys, and me resting more. Hence the argument.
He is right in saying that the house stuff is SO important right now. It’s a priority and we are simply not going to get it done if I don’t let him DO it when he is off work with a chance to do some stuff. He’s right, of course. But it does slightly (okay, a lot) bug me, because when we first looked at what needed doing when he first got the job, I tried to be as blunt and plain as I possibly could in the way I said to him that we would not be capable of doing it ourselves. I even said I didn’t think we could do ANY of it ourselves. I could see clearly that we have too much on our plates to do the things that need doing to the house, even the cleaning and tidying. I am being realistic – We. Just. Can’t. Do it! It frustrates me that he just can’t see things like this, expects the impossible and then needs it oh-so-carefully explaining to him, a million times over. And still forgets I even said it after a few days, every time. Drives me crazy. But anyway. I knew that I would be hard pressed to even keep up with the little ones while I was pregnant, especially in the first trimester (when we will hopefully be doing all the moving-related stuff!). I knew that I would need Neil’s help because of that, pretty much whenever he was around. So I told him we would have too much to deal with, and that we HAD to get help. I don’t know what it is with getting help that makes him procrastinate, hesitate, and just turn all forgetful. He DOES agree and intend to sort the help out, but somehow never does and then it turns out that actually he had this whole pride issue (he HATES when I call it that) over the need to do it ourselves, without help from anyone else. Even when we can’t darn well do it! Tsk. Anyway, he hasn’t admitted that bit yet, this time. But he’s procrastinating as usual, even when he said he would get it sorted. We need to say YES to all the help that has been kindly offered, ask family to help where they can, ask people at church to help, pay to get a regular cleaner (we desperately need this anyway at the moment), and pay to get someone to finish ALLLL the various DIY/decorating jobs around the house. And maybe get an electrician for all the things that aren’t working properly in the electrical dept here! And somebody to make the garden a bit nicer for prospective buyers. He said, “Oh, good idea!” when I told him that’s what was needed, before.
When we had our argument, I said that I TOLD him I needed some help, and that I wouldn’t be able to manage well while I was feeling horrible in early pregnancy. I needed his help at pretty much every opportunity, and he already knew from previous discussions that neither of us can spare any time/energy on the house ourselves right now. We HAVE to get help to do it, because it is stretching us too thin to attempt it ourselves. He said, “Oh, and where are we supposed to get the money to do that?!” all irritably. Urgh. That’s not what he said before. Obviously it costs money, and we don’t have any to spare, but it’s SO important that we get this stuff sorted, so we have to find it from somewhere. There should definitely be ways to afford it temporarily. Anyway, it SO bugs me that this was his argument after we’d discussed it before with no such issue. I was all angry when he said that, and told him, “I don’t know! I don’t CARE! We just need to find it – it’s too much of a priority!” So then of course he singled out the “I don’t care” bit, and said, “Of course you don’t care. You don’t care about anything.” And then the classic stinger from Neil to end an argument – ALWAYS to do with my longing to have more children – “And you want to have a million kids...” (rolls eyes as though he can’t believe I’m that stupid). I was SO angry and upset that at that instant in time, I did not want to be married to him a second longer! Urrrgh! I cried and went upstairs, and that was the end of that.
BUT, if I am being unreasonable about always seeming to need help with the boys (which I could well be, and my purpose in writing it all here is NOT to fish for reassurance on the matter), then that leaves me with a huge new fear – that I am therefore falling short of what I should be able to achieve – looking after my kids. And even more so, DEFINITELY not the right sort of person to have lots of them. Which makes me soooo sad, because I so very much want to have lots of children. I then start to question whether my reasons (whatever they are!) are “okay” for having lots of kids. Maybe I’m wrong in that too? I really think I can do it though, to bring up lots of children. But I’m NOT doing it well right now with just the two tiny ones I’ve got, and I don’t know why, or how I can ever get better at it. And if I can’t, or it’s not likely that I will while I’m still having babies and thus tired like this, then I shouldn’t have any more because it’s not fair on the ones I’ve got. Or my husband. Or myself. What made me the most upset after the argument was trying to get myself to accept the idea of this being my last pregnancy. Or maybe the next one, I don’t know. Neil says I seem to need help all the time, even when I’m NOT pregnant.
Sometimes I feel angry at his attitude there, and think, for goodness sakes – I am pregnant, with genuine reason for exhaustion, horrible nausea, and irrationality! On top of which, I have two children. Not one, but two. Okay, so “only” two – some mothers have more! But still. I have two other children. Now, they are not at school, nursery, playgroup, anything. They are not aged “helpful 6” or “potty-trained 3”. They are aged TWO, and ONE. I know it has been my own choice, and it’s NOT my choices I am complaining about, but they are both still full-time in cloth nappies and both still breastfeeding aplenty. I do not regret my choices, even though I know we did not make life exactly easy on ourselves to have kids very close together and not push the potty-training yet, and do the demand nursing until our children choose to wean. There are FAR too many joys and benefits in the continuation of those things (for me), to want to change them, though if I could blink and things were different, of course it would make life easier. I don’t mean to complain about them, just rather to point out that I have a LOT on my plate alongside the normal difficulties of early pregnancy. So many of my friends have their mums to hand when they really need help with their kids. Even if their mums are not down the road, they still live like, in the country - well, you know, close enough so that in a pinch, they could come and help. Or be visited with kids in tow for a few days! Sometimes I think just the knowledge that Mummy was THERE would be reassurance enough, but she’s a long way off and it’s too expensive for her to come more than a couple of times a year. And then it’s not for me specifically, unless it’s one of the occasions that I’m about to give birth! ;) They have all the rest of the family to see on their short visit, too. So I don’t have my parents to help. At all. Nor Neil’s family. So, nobody. Now, again, I’m sure other mothers manage all the time with the same circumstances. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to NOT manage so well at the moment. Or to have to keep on saying that I need some help. I don’t think that should mean I’m not doing a good enough job, or that I shouldn’t have more kids because I’m clearly not up to the task. It makes me angry. But the rest of me isn’t so confident and thinks that Neil’s annoyed outburst is spot on.
The other thing it makes me question is home schooling. We haven’t decided yet about our kids’ education. We are interested in home schooling, and I am eager to do it. I think I can, and I think the kids will thrive that way. I’m in NO hurry for them to attend school. I personally think school is WAY over-rated! ;) But anyway, after this argument, I do wonder whether I will ever actually have the option of home schooling – whether I will ever be capable of it in the first place.
Again, there are mothers out there home schooling their kids with great success all round, with toddlers at home, whilst morning sick, with a newborn, etc. So I’m SURE there are ways to manage it! But I wonder if it’s just that I don’t know how on earth they do it. Or that I have an idea but have no concept of how to implement it. Or that I am incapable of implementing it, and thus never going to be able to home school, especially if I’m going to keep having babies. Neil had a go at that idea as well, based on the “having more babies/not managing with what I’ve got” thing. He is the nicest, sweetest, kindest, most sensitive man, but gosh I SO dislike him when he turns into someone else during these arguments and says things that he KNOWS will hurt me or injure my confidence in something very important to me. I get so angry that I actually feel I HATE him at those moments. I never say that. It would be pointless, childish and stupid, and it’s not actually true in the least. But I feel it, at the time.
Anyway. He did say later that day, with a sort of awkward half-smile, that we would have to talk about “stuff” later. I said, “Yes.” And that was it. We didn’t talk about it again, and to be honest I don’t WANT to. I DO want an opportunity for him to actually understand what I’m telling him and see my point of view. But I guess that’s what he is thinking for ME (that I don’t get it and need to understand HIS point of view), and I’m pretty sure that’s not what would happen when it came to it. It’s WAY less healthy not to talk it through and come to some resolution over it. But I can’t be bothered. I feel like it will just mean that we argue about it again, and honestly? I don’t care to repeat the hormonal sob-fest because it was painful and exhausting, and I’m in no hurry to do it again. I think I would if we just argued all over again, so I’d rather not go back into that discussion. But I know we need to. Otherwise the next one like it will just have double “fuel” from this one not being resolved.
Ack, it’s probably no big deal anyway. We sometimes argue. We still love each other. Life goes on. We aren’t being bitter or funny around each other at all today (or yesterday for that matter). I feel hurt still over some stuff, but there’s more to “Me and Neil” than issues in an argument.
They just got home so I need to go now. I will be WAY more upbeat another time, I promise! And there will be news of boys (happy stuff!), and photos, so yay! I just needed to get this one off my chest.
Here I am at LAST! It has been way too long since my last update! I am nauseous as heck but loooaded up on chocolate and sipping Ribena (new attempt to tolerate fluids!), so here we go. I have so so so much to write tonight. It's evening, which is my worst time of day for morning sickness, but I have had a pretty good day today for nausea, all but a couple of green times. So I figure it's as good a time as any to attempt an entry!! :)
I have photos, a video clip and a ton of stuff to write. I think I will bullet-point some of it and see how I go from there.
* There is THE most hideous smell here! I think Neil must be "processing" the pooey nappies for a laundry load. I totally HEART my husband! :)
* It is Cameron's birthday today. He would have been 15, which is craaaaazy. The number of years since he was born is getting more and more distant from the age I last knew him. When he would have been 12, it seemed realistic that he might have really been 12. Now, he would be 15 - a complete and utter adolescent! His voice would have broken by now and he would have looked part way between a boy and a man. I feel sort of weird even imagining him that way, but probably that's just because he was never meant to be that way. He was always meant to be a child, and only a child. I miss him still. It's always odd when there's a birthday or the anniversary of his death or funeral.
* Today is also special for another reason. It's the 1st of July! Three years ago today, I was 21 weeks and 6 days pregnant with my first baby, and we had our big scan and found out we were expecting a boy. Three years ago today, we gave Arthur his name, and used it from that moment on. I still have such wonderful memories of that day! I feel extra lovey towards Arthur this evening. Three years.... I can't believe three years ago I was pregnant with my first child, and today I am pregnant with my THIRD! Not forgetting sweet little Matthew in the middle :) I love my babies!!!
* The weather is just DIVIINE!!!! I am walking around with a permanent smile of joy on my face, haha! I just keep opening the window simply to feel the COLD air and gusts of rain on my face! ;) I have moaned enough in my diaries each summer for pretty much everyone to know that I HATE hot summery weather. I just hate heat. Hot sunshine just makes me want to hide in the shade. WARM sunshine is just gorgeous. But it's either never sunny for like 9 months straight (!!) or it's suddenly blazing hot sun and humid. Yuck. Anyway, this summer has (so far) been one lovely long rain shower with unseasonably cool temperatures and cold winds! But it's not BITTER because it's not winter. Just exactly what I like :) I seriously think it could rain every day for like two months straight and I would STILL not be tired of the rain. I just love the rain!! It's so nice to see it on an almost daily basis! I know, I'm nuts, and most of my readers are either basking in sunshine and thinking I'm crazy, or else miserable in this British summer and thinking I'm crazy! ;) But I love the weather we're having, so yay! Long may it continue! :)
* Tomorrow I might have my first scan this pregnancy! I have an appointment at the early pregnancy unit but they said they might or might not scan me when it comes to it. I will update about that in my pregnancy diary. Neil is home during the morning so he can be at the appt - we have to take the boys with us and he will definitely need at least his two arms (if not double that count!) to wrangle our little boy beans while I get seen to!
* We are still moving, but um, we haven't actually made any progress, and Neil's new job looms! His last day at his current job is July 16th. He got himself a week after that before he has to start the new job (on July 23rd). I have no idea WHAT we're going to do, as the house remains a total tip, we are nowhere near having it suitable to be put on the market, and that pretty much holds up the rest of the proceedings! I feel at peace about the whoooole thing though, which I KNOW is God, since it most certainly isn't me! But the house is a bit of a worry. We have so far discovered that we are currently completely incapable of digging ourselves out of the hole we're in, as I am too sick or tired with early pregnancy, and Neil is at work or else helping me with the boys. Actually it's pretty much the same deal when I'm NOT morning sick and pregnant. We just have our plates too full to have time/energy left to even TIDY the house (hence its horrible state all the time), let alone de-clutter, organise, pack and finish DIY projects! I keep saying to Neil (over and over and over *sigh*) that we HAVE to accept it and not strive to do what we can't, and just accept every single offer of help, beg for more (!), and pay as many people as we can to do things - like the DIY bits, packing, paintwork, etc. Also, for goodness' sake, how many YEARS must I nag him to finally swallow his pride and hire a cleaner?!!! It's driving me crazy. We need a cleaner. We need a cleaner. We. Need. A. Cleaner. And that is that. I think he's gradually coming round, but it annoys me that alllll this time has been wasted when we could have had a tidier/cleaner house! We certainly can't manage without one in the run-up to selling the house. I don't think we can really afford to pay anyone to do anything, but we'll just have to somehow manage to anyway. We can't do without. We are stretched tooooo thin and we're under pressure to move soon, now.
* I think Neil is going to have to commute once he starts his new job. We're obviously not going to be moving for a good while yet (at the rate we're going!) and it's only just over 3 weeks till he starts the new job!! So he will have to commute. People keep telling me it would be better for him to stay near his work during the week and come home at the weekends. Yes, yes, LOTS of families have to do this, and the mothers manage. I feel selfish and somewhat incompetent when I reply honestly - "Um, no. There's no way I could manage without Neil in the week at the moment." We haven't even considered that option, it is THAT much of a NON-option for us. Even if I was fine with the idea and encouraged Neil to do it, I don't actually think he would want to. He is very involved with the little ones and misses them when he's at work during the day even! I can't see him happily staying at some B&B near the office all week long without seeing his children. Nope. There is a fast train which goes from a near-ish station to our house (Neil would cycle there) and takes an hour to drop him off literally outside his new workplace. So that would be do-able. A much longer commute that we're used to, but since it's a fast train with only one stop on the way, Neil reckons he can actually relax on the train and read or something, so it won't be like a stressful commute. Hopefully. It means he will not be home till after the boys should be in bed, let alone in time for us to eat together as a family. I haven't figured out what we'll do about that, but we'll think of something. Maybe family meals will come to an end for a while? I will be so sad about that. I think it's so important to sit down as a family to eat every day. He will also have to leave really early in the morning, which means the end of my usual luxury - the boys usually get up around 6-6.30am and Neil gets up with them and wakes me when he has to get ready and leave for work (about 8am). I think I will have to get up with them at 6am once he starts commuting. I am not sure how on earth, because I am NOT managing the day well on the waking time I currently have! But, thank you God for your peace right now! Although. I might also be in a bit of denial! ;) But we'll see.
* I am too hot under this laptop. Even with it resting on a lap tray. I need to move.
* On the floor now. Less comfy but not quite so sweltering!
* Those points did not need bullets, did they? Nor this one. I am on a roll! Hehe!
Okay, here are some photos! I lost my camera for over a week (it was in my bag all along, tsk) but I had taken a bunch of photos of the boys out in the garden again on a vaguely sunny afternoon. I put the pop-up tent and tunnel out for them and Arthur got some toys from in the house for Matthew to play with (bless him, he's soooo sweet with Matthew!). Here are the photos:
Also, the boys got their Tumble Tots membership packs in the post that day (more on that in a bit if I'm still up to writing!), and they got two inflatable toys. One was a mini beach ball. Matthew LOVED it, well, they both did. But it took him about five minutes to deflate it by biting a hole in it! Of course we just taped over the hole and it's back in use, but that boy needs watching! He puts everything in his mouth still, and bites everything too. Here he is in the garden with the ball - only a matter of a minute between the three photos!...
After a while out there, I went inside to make lunch for the boys. I watched them from the kitchen doorway (which opens onto the garden) while I did that, and the lunch got made verrrry slowly because I couldn't tear myself away from watching them! They were just such a sweet little pair out there! They sat for a long time together on the grass and played with toys. Arthur was such a good big brother with Matthew. I sometimes can't get over that he's only two-and-a-half. He is already so grown-up and attentive to his little brother. He thinks of others so readily and seems mature for his age in that kind of thing. I am just so proud of him! He is really made for the role of the eldest of many kids, more than Matthew would be, I think. I think God is really gracious in that he makes people able to do the roles that they are called to do. He knew that we would have several children (hopefully more than several!) and I think he made Arthur accordingly, as the first child in the family.
Anyway. Arthur showed Matthew how to make the music sounds and was just sooo patient with him. He kept trying to put Matthew's hat on for him, because he knows that when it's sunny I try to get him to keep his hat on (he always takes it off after about 0.3 seconds). He even puts his own hat on to try to encourage Matthew (which doesn't work, but it's so sweet of him!). I love that he didn't even know I was watching. He just is so generous with other children and has a soft spot for littler ones than himself too. Here are a couple of photos that I couldn't help taking, of them sitting and playing while I got lunch ready:
My sweet little boys! :)
A couple of months ago, Meg emailed me to suggest that I look at Tumble Tots for the boys, since I had just written in my diary about wanting to do some sort of gym thing with Arthur. He is so full of energy and loves active things, so I wanted to start something with him. If I am going to home-school him (and it's still an IF at the moment), then I want to set him up with "extra-curricular" activities so he gets to do fun/stimulating/active things with other kids, maybe even every day. Definitely at least 3 times a week. I had got as far as thinking the kind of group/class activities he might enjoy could be something gym/active, a sport maybe (swimming?), something arty, something musical, and I can't remember the other thing off the top of my head. Anyway, I was thinking about starting him on some of those things NOW, because he's already at a place where he'd enjoy them, and get lots out of them. And it would be a good trial run to see if it would work for him, you know?
Anyway, so I had those thoughts. And Meg suggested Tumble Tots, and so I looked into it, found that there was one really near to us (where my church used to meet when I first went there and became a Christian, in fact!), and arranged to take the boys! Arthur and Matthew should really be in two different groups because Matthew isn't really a walker yet and Arthur is in the 2-3 age group. But at the local Tumble Tots, they have two classes - one for confident crawlers/pre-walkers through to 2 year olds, and the other for 3-5 year olds. So both the boys fit in the same class which is a huge relief, since I am not sure how I'd manage keeping one of them from joining in with the other's class! This age range is parent-involved during the class which is what I wanted. The next class is not, but parents stay outside the hall, they don't go home or anything. Tumble Tots is run nationwide (worldwide actually) and we enjoyed our trial class so I went ahead and bought 2x membership and 2x class fees for an 8-week block. It was ever so expensive. We did wonder about it for a while, but I have not come across the type of equipment they use in any other gym-type thing for kids, or at any play centre or anything. It seems unique to Tumble Tots and I love the stuff they use. They have singing and actions in between free-style climbing and activity sessions (which Arthur refuses to join in with!) and it's just great. After we wrote the huge cheque, my parents were over for Matthew's birthday, and since their visit coincided with Tumble Tots (which is on a Tuesday morning - wonderfully late enough in the morning to accommodate naps, which no other playgroup-type-thing ever seems to be!), Mummy came with us that day. I was soooo glad of her help! It took Arthur a couple of weeks to warm up to using all the equipment. The lady who runs it warned me in advance that ALL children take up to 4 weeks to actually decide to use the equipment fully. They have free rein in there and do whatever they want to do, which is lovely. I thought, "No way, not Arthur! He'll get stuck in straight away!" but she was right! He was using pretty much all the equipment by the 3rd session though, and is impossible for me to chase after and watch on the equipment, with Matthew as well! He runs about SO fast, and never stops. His hair just gets wet to the tips with sweat! I get comments on his energy and speed every week! ;) So it was great to have Mummy with me to watch Arthur while I followed Matthew around.
Another interesting thing was that the class was intended for Arthur, and I figured I'd be "taking Matthew along too", but actually Matthew is getting AT LEAST as much as Arthur is out of the classes! In fact, Matthew defied the lady's theory and climbed all over several pieces of equipment on the first session! He was THRILLED! He just smiled and laughed and squealled his way around the hall, climbing on things. They have some great tunnels to crawl through and he loves those. The tunnels were the first thing Arthur would use, at the end of the first session, purely because Matthew was in them enticing Arthur to chase him through like he does with the pop-up stuff! :)
They have staff to watch the kids if you have more than one there, but the parents are meant to follow their kids and encourage them and stuff. There are only two of us with more than one child. Until last week, the boys were a bit too clingy to allow a stranger to do the session with them. They both wanted to be near to me and got wary of the staff. That's why it was soooo great the time that Mummy came with us. But last week I was able to follow Matthew while a very nice lady ran around without stopping after my speedy boy! ;) Arthur went suddenly weird about going in when we arrived - he keeps saying it's too busy for him, every week, but then gets on and enjoys it. He still says it was too busy for him afterwards, but it's only about 8-10 kids and their mothers. The busiest thing about it is the huge amount of bright coloured equipment, I think. Maybe it's a combination for him? Anyway, so he didn't want to go in, and I handed Matthew over to the lady so I could stay close to Arthur while he wanted me. Poor Matthew cried and cried, even through the singing time, which he loves when I sit with him and do the actions with him! I soooo wanted to go and grab him out of her arms, but Arthur was being ever so clingy and I wanted to reassure him and settle him in properly. In the end he wanted to go near where Matthew was anyway, and I got to grab him then! Arthur seemed okay after that so I kept close to Matthew.
Anyway, Tumble Tots is going great! Thank you Meg!!! A wonderful thing is that on the way home with my mum and the boys, after she came with us, she offered to pay for it all for us! She said she's not here much and she doesn't get to spend money on them like she would if she was around all the time. She would love opportunities to contribute to fun things they like doing, and in particular, their education. After she saw them enjoying Tumble Tots, she said it was almost like a part of their early education and she wanted to pay for it! Lovely Mummy!!! So that is wonderful because it was a lot of money and we could definitely use it on other things right now. :)
It's also in the same grounds as a riding stable! So after we finish the class, we can go outside and look at the horses. Arthur loves that.
Hmmm, what else? It's getting late and I am getting queasier. I sooo don't want to leave things out this entry though! I know I am rubbish at coming back to finish off what I wanted to say, these days!
Ohhhh I have been meaning to say stuff about sleep things with the boys for many weeks. It's a long subject though... But I do want to get it written down, if only for my own records, before it's all old news and I forget what actually happened at this stage of their lives/our parenting!
With the new baby coming, we pretty quickly decided that we need to "do things" with the boys' sleep. They were both pretty dependent on us (mostly me) to get to sleep, and while I was happy with that, despite it going on for MUCH longer than most people would think acceptable, it would become too draining while I'm pregnant. And we know from experience that we DEFINITELY need them both sleeping easily and independently by the time Beanlet is born! Arthur STILL relies on me to get to sleep for his daytime nap, which was NOT easy to deal with when Matthew was newborn.
So we began the "Back to Bed Technique" from Supernanny, with Arthur. We have always been right next to him in bed while he goes to sleep at night. He USED to breastfeed to sleep, but that stopped many months ago now, and Neil has been in with him after that, patting his back or just waiting for him to fall asleep. Recently this has been taking longer and longer, and Arthur would mess around like crazy and completely be in control of his fun game, while Neil had NONE of the control and just had to put up with it, or get angry and smack him (which didn't help anyway).
Which reminds me. For whatever reason, we really don't seem to be smacking Arthur any more. We didn't even decide not to, so I'm not sure how or when it faded out. I think he does still get smacked but it's very infrequent now, maybe once in a week or so. When it was our method of discipline and he was driving us out of our tree continually, he would get LOTS of smacks a day. So it's a big difference now. He gets "put on the sofa" for being naughty these days. We did do that before, but it appeared to be useless and we rarely used it as a method. Anyway, now the sofa thing seems to be working. He goes on for 2 minutes (since he's two). Sometimes Neil gives him warnings and counts to three, as well, and that seems to be a good method at the moment too. He will obey me if I count to three usually too. If he does something REALLY bad and I tell him off in obvious tones, he stands and listens looking kind of sheepish, and says a hushed, "Sorry Mummy..." before I have even finished what I'm saying. So things are very different at the moment with Arthur and discipline. I am GLAD we are not smacking him much any more, though I was okay with deciding on it as a method for us. I don't like doing it, but I will do it if need be. It doesn't look like we need to, so that's good. We wonder if he was maybe too young for the other methods until now? Anyway, it's nice to have some of the control back over things now!
What was I saying before? Oh sleep! So Arthur's bedtime thing was just getting ridiculous. At least 3 evenings out of 5, Neil would end up falling asleep settling Arthur down, and I would have to go and wake him, which drove me crazy for some reason. He would pretend to be asleep to get Arthur to calm down and sleep himself. It was just getting silly!
So we explained to Arthur that we would no longer be staying in the room with him while he went to sleep, because he was a big boy now and he was able to go to sleep all by himself! We told him that if he got out of bed, we would take him straight back there, and there would be no chat. We would keep doing that until he stayed and went to sleep.
His current bedtime routine is bath (every other night) with Matthew, get changed for bed (nappy and sleepwear), go up to bed and have stories read by Daddy (Toddler's Bible and either Thomas the Tank Engine or Little Red Tractor), while Mummy breastfeeds Matthew in her bed (in the other bedroom). After that, I go to Arthur and we always read one story from the Bible and then it's lights out. I then ask Arthur about his day (specifically, what his favourite things were today, and a bit of general chat about whatever he brings up in response), and then he breastfeeds lying with me in his bed - which is still a mattress on the floor next to the big kingsize mattress - our big floorbed! I always have to tell him when he's had enough, because that boy could nurse for HOURS if I let him! And I get sore. And to the point where I have had enough of breastfeeding him for that session! I always tell him time's up when I've had enough, and he accepts that. Then he always wants a drink of water (which he has right there next to the bed in a sippy cup), and then I say goodnight to him and kiss him and give his back a little pat, and then Neil comes in and says goodnight. I go downstairs while Neil pats Arthur's back for a minute, and then Neil goes out and stands at the top of the stairs. He has to stand up there rather than come down and begin his evening, because if Arthur comes out of his room, he would go straight through and wake Matthew up before either of us could get upstairs to him. Plus he still gets up a fair amount of times before finally going to sleep! I'm hoping it gets better soon.
I don't think it's working as fast as Supernanny says it should. Maybe there's something we're not doing right? Or maybe it's just taking longer with Arthur. But it has been a few WEEKS now, and he's still keeping Neil upstairs at least 30 minutes, and having horribly late sleep times as a result (usually after 9pm). I need to work on getting him down for his daytime nap earlier so that maybe he will be more tired at bedtime, but he can still stay up for ages, even when he's really tired.
The first night, he didn't get up. He just seemed to marvel at being on his own in the bedroom, and kept saying things like, "Woooow! It's all dark!" and similarly awed things! Hehe! He took a long time to go to sleep, but he didn't get up. The second night, the novelty was over and he got up EIGHTY-FIVE TIMES. I kid you not. The third night it was 42 times. It went back up to 80-something though, so we were a bit discouraged. He found it a huge game to run out and have to be taken back to bed. I think it would help if we weren't RIGHT THERE outside his door when he gets up, but our upstairs is TINY and we can't be anywhere else! I do not want to risk him going into Matthew's room every 3 minutes.
We are working on Matthew's sleep too. Matthew has always been a better sleeper, so I think it will be easier. But he needed jiggling/walking to sleep EVERY night at bedtime. Sometimes it took sooooo long that I couldn't hold him any more, so I would put him down in his cot and pat his bottom like we used to when he was younger. Neil started doing that too. But then we were still tied to him for as long as he took to get to sleep, and it was still physically demanding. I found my arm got soooo tired patting for 20 minutes straight that I got all breathless leaning over the cot and just couldn't do it any more. If we didn't pat or hold, he would just cry and cry. Which was no good. We would never let him cry to sleep.
Soooo, I decided we would start a new method to get him to sleep. The day naps also required this jiggling/patting thing, and he was taking longer and longer to go to sleep for naps. Sometimes I would be over an HOUR upstairs trying to settle Matthew for a much-needed nap, while poor Arthur played or watched TV downstairs. NO good. Also it was making me very irritable towards him around nap times, which didn't help. It required too much of my energy, and too much of my time away from Arthur. I knew I couldn't continue it once I was pregnant because my energy levels would become just plop. So! I decided to do a combination of the Baby Whisperer approach (which we used with Matthew when he was tiny for a while - not very consistently mind you!) - a "pick up, put down" type of thing, and Supernanny's "Sleep Separation Technique". I don't like the sleep separation technique, mostly because of its name! I hate anything that means separating myself from my babies, or anything which causes them to have to be separated from me. I feel strongly that babies are just that for a few YEARS, not a matter of months. But you guys know that about me, so no need to ramble further on that subject!
But the Sleep Separation Technique IS useful, in that it helps you to gradually distance yourself from your little one if you want to get to the point where they are happy to independently put themselves to sleep, especially if they have never done so without you next to them. The way Supernanny does it is to sit next to the cot, but don’t look at the baby. The baby then cries and cries, and you just wait. You’re “there” but not responding, and eventually they get the idea, lie down, and go to sleep. You don’t leave the room till they are asleep. I just can’t bring myself to do that! I can’t let my babies cry to sleep, no matter if I’m right there or not. The Baby Whisperer approach is about picking the baby up EVERY time they cry, so that they are reassured that you are right there for them, but then as soon as they stop crying you put them back down again, however many times it takes. I just don’t have the energy for all the picking up and putting down now. So I decided to do a mixed thing.
I breastfeed Matthew as usual, with the lights out, lying tummy-to-tummy in bed (love that!). He rarely falls asleep on the breast any more. If he does, it will be on an evening that he’s totally tired out. I always let him fall asleep on the breast if he has an evening like that. He goes back to sleep on the breast when he wakes at night too, and I’m fine with that. There will come a time (probably fairly soon actually) where it’s not so okay any more, as I get more tired with the pregnancy, and I want him to be sleeping through by the time Beanlet is born anyway. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I’m just delighted to still be breastfeeding during the night. I LOVE the snuggle times with my sleepy boo bean! And I remember from last pregnancy, as my milk supply starts to diminish, the best (almost normal) supply is during the night. So as long as I can, I would like to night nurse Matthew. He will get lots of good milk that way and that’s important, to me and to his little body. So, he has his bedtime breastfeed. Then I pick him up from my bed and hold him close, and cuddle and jiggle and rock him for a bit. It calms him down and is part of his “getting sleepy” routine, and honestly? I love snuggling my boo! I’m sure I will get less able in time, but I can shorten the time I rock him if I need to. Anyway, then I kiss him and put him on his tummy in his cot. He has slept on his tummy since he was TINY, back when I used to get really scared about it (thank you Lord that he was fine like that after all!). He rolls into all sorts of positions these days, and usually ends up squashed into the bars at the top of his cot for some reason! He doesn’t much like this, so I usually move him down the cot during the evening so he won’t bonk his head and wake up annoyed!
Anyway, I digress! So I put him down, and then sit down on the floor. I don’t make eye contact. I just sit still. He fidgets and rolls and gets up and rattles the bars, and fusses and plays with anything he can reach, and eats his feet and reeeeaches through the cot bars to try and grab things that are actually way too far away from him to get hold of! And I ignore the lot of it. If he cries then I get up straight away and pick him up. I hold him close and kiss his cheek, rock him gently for a moment, and then put him back down as before, and sit down again. The first few nights, I sat on my bed, which was the furthest thing in the room away from the bedroom door, so probably the “safest” feel to Matthew. Then I sat in front of the cot. Then a bottom width (!) further away each time. So, I sat right next to the spot where I sat the previous night. He took to it quite well, and so long as he could see me, he would eventually settle and go to sleep, checking on me now and then by turning his little eyes up towards me without moving his head or body, and then closing them again.
I got as far as sitting outside the bedroom door, so he can still see half of me from his cot. But I haven’t got any further yet. I think actually NOT being visible will be a fiddly transition, but so long as I go right to him when he cries for me, I hope he will be reassured that I’m still right there if he needs me, and just go to sleep as before. He can still take a good while to go to sleep some nights though. He doesn’t much mind me sitting there and not looking at him. He just plays and rolls and fidgets, and if he’s feeling really lively, he will stand and cruise around the cot and rattle the bars and bang on the walls with the heels of both palms! But I just wait, and eventually he gets tired and lays himself back down, and after a while of sleepier fidgeting, he goes to sleep. Some nights he goes to sleep straight away, as soon as I put him down and sit in my place to wait. He might fidget a little bit, sleepily, but his eyes are closed from the start.
While I am sitting, Neil is reading Arthur his stories in bed, and when Matthew is asleep I go and read to Arthur and then breastfeed him. Some nights, Arthur is finished reading with Daddy and Matthew is still awake, so then Neil just sits where I have been and I breastfeed Arthur. He used to have to take over jiggling and walking Matthew till he would sleep, so it’s much easier on both of us now. I am also doing the same thing for Matthew’s day naps. It does still keep me away from Arthur as I wait for Matthew to sleep upstairs, but it’s taking less time in general, and I’m on the landing near the stairs now that I’m sitting just outside Matthew’s door, so I can hear exactly what Arthur is doing downstairs. He is a VERY good boy these days while he waits. I am so proud of him. He keeps ever so quiet too, so that Matthew can go to sleep quickly. When I come down, he beams with pride and says in a loud whisper, “I’ve been vewwy qui-yet!” He’s such a good boy! He usually asks for his threading beads or a certain DVD as I am about to take Matthew upstairs. In some ways I feel sad that he’s SO accustomed to me being away upstairs for ages, but in other ways he is soooo good. He gets himself prepared with quiet activities and keeps busy.
Oh, I forgot to say before – I wanted to get Arthur some threading beads. I thought he would really like them, and they’d be another different activity for him to do sometimes. I bought him some from Toys R Us (the nicest set I have come across, actually), and gave them to him 2 days after Matthew’s birthday party, as a special present for being such a good boy at the party :) He loves them! See?...
Matthew is not usually around when they are out, but if he is, he loves to chew the strings. Of course!
Talking of Matthew again (!), he is such a climber these days. He has been climbing for a good while, but the EXTENT of it is getting a bit hard to know how to handle these days. It has been most frustrating for a while, as he would climb to dangerous places the instant I left the room for a wee or to try and cook a meal. I would come back, get him down, leave the room again and he would be back up in 4 seconds flat. My wonderful 2-year-old is an excellent help. He always calls out, “Oh NO! Mashew’s climbing!” or “He’s up again, Mummy!” Hehe! He’s a wonderful help. My lovely Arthur! Matthew can now climb over pretty much anything, including all the objects we had put around the room to stop him getting to other things. The big toy basket had been blocking his way to the kitchen and that no longer works as he just clambers over the toys, then lands pretty much on his head on the other side! Or gets stuck in the middle and cries pitifully until I rescue him. So we bought a mesh travel gate and put it in the kitchen doorway. It doesn’t open and I have to climb over it (and my legs being as short as they are, the gate is actually higher than my crotch level!! But I am getting good at going over it on tiptoe! Haha!), but at least it is a good solution. Matthew climbs on the sofas and jumps and jumps and jumps, squealing with glee! He loves to trampoline on things! Arthur immediately gets up and jumps with him. *sigh* He climbs further than the sofas if he can, which isn’t so good. He particularly loved it when he finally discovered he could climb onto the TV unit and look out of the window! Of course, he then can’t get down, and has in fact fallen off and banged his head quite badly while I’ve been out for a nanosecond doing yet another wee or something. But he won’t stop climbing up there. He is soooo excited at the window! He loves looking out. Arthur always joins him there as well, because he has long enjoyed looking out of the window from the TV unit himself! They do look INCREDIBLY cute from the outside of the house – two tiny boys, just their little faces and top-halves in the bottom corner of the front window, beaming at each other and chatting away, wafting the net curtains about in great excitement! So sweet!
However, when Matthew is up there, not only can he have an accident falling down, he can get to the TV and shake the heck out of it (I don’t know why he likes to do this so!), and also reach the hi-fi and phone on the shelves. I just can’t stop him climbing up there and it was starting to make me irritable and fed up, as he would go up like 30 times a day – sometimes 20 times in the same hour. Urgh! So, now we have a large box and the toy basket in front of the unit, and he hasn’t been able to get past that until today, when he climbed on the toys and practically vaulted a dangerous-ish gap to the TV unit! I am not sure how to stop him getting up there now. It’s a work in progress.
Here is the monkey beany boy up on the TV unit, one time a couple of weeks ago when I found him there:
And loving his achievement!
Shaking the darn TV....
And discovering the phone. *sigh*
Okay, I think that MUST be everything! Well, maybe there are some little things I have forgotten, but I’m just sooo happy to have finally written about Tumble Tots and the sleep things. And all the recent photos are posted, hooray! Oh! I knew there was something else!
Arthur is lately singing ALL the time. It’s so lovely! He knows the words to ever so many songs, even words that I don’t know. He picks the words to songs up with just one or two listenings, and some of them aren’t simple kiddie songs. But ALL his singing is pretty much completely without tune or timing, bless him! I have no idea why! I wonder if he will sing flat and out of time for the rest of his life?! I hope not, but maybe he just will. Neil sings in tune well, though I don’t know if he did when he was tiny.... I sang bang in tune and kept rhythm by banging my back against the pushchair from age 18 months! So I don’t know why Arthur has no sense of tune or rhythm with singing! But oh well. He’s still a sweetie when he sings! :) Lately he has begun to want to perform a little more, especially showing us dancing or singing. The other day he was singing to the Vtech bus (it has a million tunes of nursery rhymes and stuff) and I got the video camera out. As soon as he saw it, he wanted to see himself, so I turned the little viewer around to face him and he started singing to his image, to see himself doing it, I suppose! He fetched the bus and “performed” some more, except that he pressed a button by mistake at one point and lost the tune! He is very into singing “The Farmer’s in his den” at the moment, but he also likes any Thomas-related song, “Hey Diddle Diddle”, “London Bridge is falling down” and lots of others. He sings songs as he reads his nursery rhymes books as well! Which reminds me (I’m SO rubbish with emails at the moment) – thank you so much Jemma for Matthew’s present of a LOVELY nursery rhyme book! The boys both love it and Arthur sings the songs from it with the actions. It was at the post office for AGES without me realising it was a present from you, so we only just picked it up! Sorry!
I made the video footage of Arthur into a clip to post here :) Matthew’s in it a bit too, although mostly getting impatient for Neil to come downstairs – once again my husband’s naked legs are in the shot. *sigh* The man wears boxer shorts and a T-shirt nearly all the time at home! It seriously impedes my opportunities for taking photos sometimes! I like to post nice photos here, but when he’s sitting in his boxers then I can’t very well post those, can I?! Tsk. Anyway, he’s in this one, legs and all ;)
And that is all! Funny little Arthur! :) Now it’s so late, I MUST go to bed. I have been typing this for over three hours!!!! My nausea has not been so bad, which is lovely! Will update the pregnancy diary tomorrow, and this diary again as soon as I can. Thanks so much for the lovely messages after my entry about Matthew’s birthday party. I’m glad my cake didn’t look so bad as I thought! :)
I'm 41, British, and long-winded (!). I am wife to Neil, and mummy to Arthur (12), Matthew (10), Nathan (9), Benjamin (7), Samuel (6), Elijah (4), Lydia (3), and Rosalie (1)! I am child-with-lots-of-scabs-on-her-knees to my loving Father God. I am happy to be staying at home with my children, and we also homeschool. I'm eager to be a better wife and mother, keep my home better, and serve God better! I have a long way to go, but I have everything I need in Jesus Christ.
