Benjamin catch-up: 7 - 10 months!

Not only have I generally neglected my blog, but I just checked it to see when I last posted anything about Benjamin, and it was a couple of paragraphs (no pics!) at 8 months old!! Tsk tsk! So, I hereby dedicate a blog entry to my sweet little baby boyble. Hopefully with photos! I will scan through my hard drive to see what I have - probably quite a bit since the last time I posted any photos (except for the ones with Neil a month ago).

What can I say about Benjaminny? Or, better question, how on earth am I going to scale down the number and intensity of my thoughts, feelings and memories thus far about him into a bunch of mere typed-out words?! This might be a bit stop-starty, so perhaps I can write it over a couple of days, just to be sure that I do a thorough job? Even if nobody is really allll that interested (but I do think some are!), I need a good blog post for my own records. It's my only record of my little ones growing up right now, so I need to write about my little ones in this blog for ME! :)

Okay, I have just searched way back in my blog to see when I did actually post photos of Benjamin! I do post some at Facebook and I guess I was doing that with the intention of also posting here, but then not getting round to it! Bad Mummy! :S So I think the last proper photo of Benjamin was at almost 7 months old!!! So without further ado, I will catch this blog up on photos of my little Pea Pie! :)

When he turned 7 months old, I took a BUNCH of photos of Benjamin. The boys and Neil went out while Benjamin napped, and when he woke I dressed him up in something other than a sleepsuit, and took some photos! Here are a few of my favourites:













So now just a couple more months to catch up to now! There are so many photos, and it's harder to pick my favourites to post than I thought it would be! Here is my sweetie at 8 months old - he started pulling up to kneel at everything at 8 months, so it was a milestone that I photographed when he first started doing it! In the first photo he was really pleased with himself because he had pulled up at the toy basket for the first time. I came in from the kitchen and found him there smiling at me! The smiliest photos were blurry but I like this one a lot too! :)





In this next one, the colour is a bit funny, and Benjamin is just looking a bit caught in the headlights! But I remember when I uploaded it, thinking how much older he looked to me in this photo. His hair had just begun to grow in much faster than before. He was 8 months and 3 weeks old here:



Chewing on a toy and grinning at me around it! :)



Here is Benjamin the day he turned 9 months old. These photos are in poor light and rather grainy and dark, BUT they are important and special! That day, we put away his Amby Hammock that he had been sleeping in (part-time - half the night he was, and still is, in bed with me), got down the toddler bed from the loft, and put Nathan in a big boy bed for the first time! Nathan did wonderfully right from the start and rarely falls out. He was eager to do the swap over as soon as I suggested it, and didn't give a backwards glance to the cot he'd slept in from a few months old! He was eager to give it to Benjamin, and that's just what we did that very same day! :) Benjamin sleeps fine in the cot, and didn't have any adjustment problems at all. He seemed frustrated in his Amby at 8 months, waking more frequently and doing stomach crunches, as though he wanted to sit up or roll onto his side but that isn't possible in a hammock of course! From the outset, he has consistently rolled onto his side to fall asleep in the cot, though he sleeps on his back and tummy as well. My instinct was right - he WAS trying to independently shift positions, and does seem to be a baby who wants to change position all night long in his sleep. I'm glad we switched him, and in hindsight I wish we had shifted him to the cot much earlier, maybe at 5 or 6 months? Anyway. Here he is in the cot! The first one is when we put him in it RIGHT after I finished putting it together in our room. He was very happy! The second one is Benjamin asleep in the cot the same day at bedtime, for the very first time! :)





Here are a couple of photos of my precious little man at 9 and a half months old (he was going for my camera in the second one) - nearly caught up! :)





Standing at the sofa! He started pulling to stand properly and easily at 9 months (he started trying at 8 months but was soooo wobbly, and his little legs quivered so sweetly when he tried at first!):



Benjamin is almost 10 months in these next few photos. I was feeling really yucky and sick, and (again!) the boys had gone to the park with Neil. Benjamin woke up cranky from his nap, and breastfed for a long time, and STILL was cranky. The only thing that cheered him up in the end was the cords from my drawstring waist on my trousers! He now LOVES drawstring cords on trousers, and will chew on the ends for ages, haha!







And at LAAAAST I think I am almost caught up on photos of Benjamin!! :) These next three were taken within the last week. The first one seemed over-exposed in colour but really nice in black and white, so I am keeping it that way. He has a serious expression (he was sooo ready for a nap!) but I love how clear his sweet little facial features are:



These two were taken only a couple of days ago, and are just quick snapshots really. I took a few that didn't come out well because he was BUSY and doing stuff all the time, and thus blinking, looking down unexpectedly, or just blurry, lol! Lately Benjamin wants to show me things a lot. He picks things up and holds them out to me with his eyebrows all high up, as though he's asking me about it, or asking what I think of what he's showing me. I tell him what the object is, and then he usually wants to give it to me, so we play, "Thank you!" a lot - he likes to repeat this game over and over! In the first photo, he grabbed a handful of Nathan's jigsaw pieces out of the box (he's really getting into taking things OUT and putting things IN now), and held them out to me. Not a great photo, and he isn't doing the sweet questioning expression as he usually does, because he's gradually losing his balance trying to crawl and keep those pieces held out to me all at the same time, but I wanted it for a memory keeper anyway :)



Benjaminny looking older to me yet again! He's busy at the Duplo drawer (in the very grown-up piece of furniture that used to hold paperwork and phone books and photos and all that stuff, hehe! It still does hold some of that stuff, but those two bottom drawers are ideal for Duplo and the wooden road and rail sets. The boys use them daily, and tidy them into the low drawers with ease, and you'd never know we have toys once the drawers are closed! :) ). Look how much hair he's getting! I cut Nathan's hair today, and it's nice and neat and tidy, and Benjamin's hair in contrast looks long and untidy - it's the first time that has happened when I've cut the other boys' hair, so I wonder how long it will be before Benjamin has his first haircut? I don't want to cut it before he's one! I love sweet soft baby hair!



Okay, I'm SO excited to have finally caught up with the photos! :) There are a lot of photos of Benjamin with his brothers that I want to post, and they belong in a Benjamin catch-up post as well really, but I am beginning to wonder that this might be getting a bit photo-heavy now. I have hardly written anything of the WORDY memories that I wanted to preserve, but in any case it is now really late and I will need to save this in draft to finish another day. Or post as it is, and do a Part Two, since it's already long and I have so much more to add?!

I want to post things about what he eats, breastfeeding, his favourite things, foods, games, etc. About his sleep, the many nicknames he has, what his laugh sounds like, the things I love the very MOST about him, interactions with his brothers, how he has eczema now (boo!) and that he's started his immunisations after I delayed them by 6 months. About his clothes sizes, his routine, and so on. But that's a lot to write! I'm nervous to post it and leave it as it is, because I know I'm good at planning to update or finish updating, and then NEVER getting around to it! I don't want to leave this unfinished, or I will have no record of these sweet memories as the months and years go by. If you are thinking to wait until Part Two is up before commenting (if you were going to), please would you comment on this one also, if there's anything you want to say? In all honesty, when I finally update with photos after a long gap and get no comments, that's usually when I don't get around to updating again. It SHOULDN'T bother me, but I find it a bit depressing and suddenly have no motivation to post for a bit after that. I really really (really!) love hearing from friends, and it really makes my day to get comments on posts! So please do! :) I WILL post again when I can in any case, because I do so want to have a complete "record" of Benjamin's milestones and my thoughts and feelings for him.

I can't believe he will have his first birthday in about 6 weeks!! Matthew will be 4 in two weeks, so I am focusing more on his birthday for now. He has chosen a motorbike cake for me to come up with, and I am slightly panicking! ;) Okay, LATE, so I am going. Thank you ever so much for the comments on my last post (ponderings about adoption). I'm glad I shared it here. April, I would love to have more links to blogs written by people who have adopted internationally! I read quite a few already, but would love to read more! :)

Ponderings from my heart on adoption...

I have no idea why I am opening blogger to "think aloud" when it distinctly feels like this is sort of thing in a personal or spiritual journal, or something, instead. I know that blogger saves as you go, and I don't have to post anything that I don't want to, when it comes to it. And I might "think" nothing! I can't sort out my thoughts so perhaps nothing will happen.

My head really hurts tonight. I'm at the end of a bad cold and my sinuses are a bit messed up, and it has been warm today (which I am notoriously really BAD at, and often get headaches once it's over, say, 20 degrees (68F)!! ;) )

I'm just wondering... how I'm going to manage? A pointless musing because I already know that God will enable me. But I wonder about the stuff that is as yet unknown (to me), and how I'll manage that, on top of this?

Today I have had another one of the increasingly frequent pulls to my heart (from God, no mistaking Who it's from) about adoption. These pulls are like labour, now I have stopped to think about it. They have been coming for a while, at first just little twinges - who knew if it meant anything. Then more of the same, making me start to think, "Hmmm..." Then ever increasing pulls, stronger and lasting longer. I can't remember in terms of an actual time scale how long these have been going on, or how long ago the "real deal" pulls started - the ones where I began to KNOW that God means us to adopt a child who needs a mummy and daddy, one day. I did not need to dwell too heavily on WHEN, because it just wasn't urgent yet. These pulls are now coming closer and closer together, and hurt MUCH more when they arrive. There is more urgency to them. They linger longer on my heart and invade my thoughts and that time when I am supposed to have fallen asleep an hour ago when I got into bed. The lastest few that I've had (recent, including today's) have made something in my torso actually ache and throb, and I have been unable to hold back the tears for children who have nobody, who are like my little boys in age but who have NO-body to hold them and love them and comfort them when they are scared or in pain. Some of them are accustomed to it because they don't know any different, but inside they are dying of loneliness because a child needs love and affection (from a parent) like they need air or water, to thrive. My heart is particularly burdened for children who have a disability and live in a country where when they reach the age of 4 (Matthew will be 4 in a few weeks), they are ripped without warning from their orphanage and the children and adults they have known there (though it was no great existance in the first place) and put permanently into an institution. That's the cut-off age. Four. They stay there for the rest of their lives and I don't know if I could actually bear to know the details of what it is actually like to exist in one of those places. Food, nappy changes and contact with anyone are rare things (once in 24 hours I believe). Little ones can be chained to their cots, and are never touched. Forever? I can't fathom. And there are thousands and thousands of these children, heading towards that inevitable 4th birthday milestone.

I used to read that kind of thing and sort of do a "that's so AWFUL!" shudder, and then you know, shake my head and send up a quick prayer for God to "stop letting that happen" or something, and clicky click over to a happier website. As God started to soften my heart over these things, I would still click away fairly soon, trying to put it out of my head as quickly as possible once I'd finished reading about it, because otherwise it started to feel distinctly uncomfortable to my spirit and we can't have that now, can we?

Now, God is not giving me any choice. I don't go looking for stuff, He brings it to my attention. I sometimes hesitate to look because I know it will hurt to do so, but I am drawn to all the same. I read it, and I ache and I cry, because God uses my Mummy-heart to embrace those children and long for their relief, and to hold them and hold them and hold them and hold them and eventually start to feel that broken part inside them begin to mend and come back to life, because they are no longer lost or without somebody to love them. They have a mummy and a daddy, a home and a family, forever and ever, and under the shelter of that love they can begin to grow again and maybe even thrive one day. I want to be that mummy! I cannot BEAR any children to be left in the world feeling so broken and alone while I have my own incredibly blessed children and see them grow up and go to university (if they do!), and get jobs and have families, and sit back with my hubby in our retirement years and sigh a deep sigh of satisfaction when we look at our children, and think that we have now accomplished our goal of raising children. Because NO. I don't think that is God's plan for me. For us - Neil and I. How can our parenting be complete if it doesn't include drawing orphans into our family and calling them our own? Something about the mental image of myself with greying hair enjoying a quiet home and garden just makes me feel a bit nauseous. It's not that the image isn't refreshing, or inviting, but it just feels like it's time that should still be being USED, somehow. I would rather still be raising a bunch of pre-teens and teens who would otherwise be in goodness knows what condition in a very poor country somewhere than reading Gardener's World in my deck chair and feeling somewhat older in my bones. I would rather be exhausted in my older bones due to the effects of still doing something meaningful with children! I'm sure God is able to refresh me if I am working hard for Him! How can we go on our merry way with our own not-too-small brood of biological children and ignore the many many many needy orphans in the world. There are so many that you think, "How can I even make a difference? The problem is too huge!" It may not be a huge difference to the overall numbers and the enormity of the problem, but to one or two (or however many) orphans, the difference will be life-changingly massive (didn't someone say this, or something like it? It seems like a quote I might have heard once?!). I am not implying that everyone should be doing this, or that relaxing in retirement after raising a couple of kids is wrong! I am just looking at ME, and I do not think this is right for me personally - not because I wouldn't choose it, but because I believe God is planning something different for me.

I do wonder HOW though. I have come through "Hmmm..." and the various achy stages, to the point where I am now asking God through tears, "HOW do I reach them, Lord?!" Again, not a question to really even ask, because God is fully in control, and He will lead us to the child(ren) He plans for us. I wonder how on earth we can possibly adopt when we are up to our ears in very young children and babies, another currently being knit in my womb, and no plans to prevent God from having His way in opening or closing my womb in the future. HOW can we do it, Lord? HOW? What about my children's needs? I know my family will think it's so very wrong and terribly unfair to my children. But I know that any child we might adopt in the future is ALREADY pre-destined to be our child NOW. To say, "Look, bringing your child home is going to be so unfair to your other children!" is surely crazy?! They're ALL mine! Would anyone say that about Benjamin, when he was born into my arms?! Nope. He's mine. You'd never say I shouldn't keep THAT one because the others might have a harder time of it - he's already here! In the same way, the child we are meant to adopt is already MINE in my heart, even before I know about him or her! I guess it might be harder on my children? I don't know. I don't even know when God wants us to adopt? Maybe it won't be till our current children are much older? I don't know.

I do know that right now my children NEED me - they'll never stop needing me, but right now those needs are intense. They are all so young and require me in every possible way at all times! :) I wonder HOW I can add more? Even more biological children, but more so an adopted child, I suppose. Because it means travel, and focus, and time, and then I guess major adjustments for all concerned once the child is home. I am very naiive because I actually know next to nothing about it at all. I'm just thinking out loud right now. An adopted child is sure to have issues - how could they not, with what they have been through? Which could be hard on the other children? I don't know. And a child with disabilities or health problems will surely impact the other children in the family? I don't know. But I do know that SURELY the alternative is not worth considering?! - that of leaving it and never snatching that child up and loving them and embracing them as OURS. The alternative future for the child we never bring home is unthinkable, especially for those heading for an institution.

I homeschool. That is to say, I attempt to educate my eldest child at home and, for the most part, completely flop at it. *sigh* I guess it's our first year and so on, and I HAVE been morning sick for 2 months of it, but still. We have had WAY more days of NOT doing school than I am happy with so far this year. I have a lot of plans for school, and I know I CAN do a great job for my boys, but I am not sure how to bridge the gap between the confident plans and the ACTUALITY of it. I am nervous about it, and not too confident in myself, since I am so undisciplined and struggle to improve in that area.

I have no intention of NOT homeschooling, because it's another thing that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to do. I just need to seek God and really really LEAN on Him to help me and enable me to overcome my own set of hurdles and DO the job He intends me to do. But HOW do I homeschool five children and also adopt? I guess I should not think ahead so much. I would not have a clue how I could ever even SLIGHTLY manage to cope with 3 or 4 children, at one point not so long ago, never mind five, plus maybe more, plus homeschooling, plus maybe adoption! And I can perfectly well manage to "cope" with 3 or 4 children. So I have confidence in God, but not so much in myself. Which again is pointless thinking! Because the Bible says I can do all things through Him who gives me strength! ALL THINGS! So if I have no confidence that I can, then I do not believe God's Word. I guess it's RIGHT to have no confidence in myself, because again, the Bible says it's when I am WEAK that I am strong, because of God's strength poured out upon me! So without God, I am nothing. With Him, surely I can be all things to all people, as He works out His will in my life?

I guess I have answered my own ponderings then! HOW will I? I can't. But I will because somehow God will enable me. And I'll wait - I don't know how long, but until those pulls from God move into the "second stage" and begin to give birth to an actual plan.

I feel better for the purge of thoughts! :) A bit less achy and overwhelmed about it, and more comfortable to wait on God over it all.

I have so much else I want to write about other stuff! Things the boys are doing, school (I haven't updated about anything this year!), plans, photos, just endless stuff really. I must try to update again soon!

My Husband Rocks! - Daddy

A post! Yay! :) And there should be more to come soon. I have uploaded a ton of photos I want to post here. Some I will post at Facebook eventually but others not. I am missing visitors here and I think Facebook has something to do with it! So I will not post all of my stuff there any more. I also plan to update here more frequently. Still feeling nauseated as ever, but at nearly 10 weeks I'm hopeful that there are only a few more weeks before morning sickness will be behind me! :)

Today I want to do a "My Husband Rocks!" post, because, well, he really does. He is out of work right now (though paid double this month as the last month of pay from his previous employer) and he has been absolutely AMAZING to me while I have been exhausted and sick. I am able to lie-in considerably every day, nap when Benjamin naps, and generally flake out. I don't WANT to flake out! But that's something I seem to do a lot. I can't wait to feel better and get my groove back! ;)

Neil looks after the boys much of the day. I do the passive things like snuggling and reading stories and more snuggling and bedtime and tickle attacks if I get a burst of energy. And play (cars, trains, etc). Neil prepares their breakfast and lunch, and most of the time dinner as well. Like I said, amazing hubby! He does every single pooey nappy and has done for weeks. I can't remember how I used to stomach that job all the other times when he was at work, but I am so very thankful he's happy to do that for me while he's home this time! He takes the boys out for a long walk each afternoon, while I stay home and Benjamin naps. Yesterday I had a good day and only felt queasy, and I made homemade pizza (including yeast!) while they were out, and did laundry and decluttered - oh it was wonderful! It really whetted my appetite for Feeling Better Again, when that marvellous day eventually comes! I want to get stuck in to so many things, and I can't wait to stop feeling so sick all the time. BUT I am totally enjoying pregnancy, even so. I love it! :)

So, my hubble deserves an AWARD or something for how wonderful he is being. I just had to write all that in the "My Husband Rocks!" post, but I also wanted to post some photos and write briefly about another reason that he rocketh.

I think I have already covered this kind of subject in a "My Husband Rocks!" post before, but it will come up again and again - Neil is just such a fabulous daddy! :) Our eldest child is only 5, so I don't have the experience yet of seeing him playing sports with long-legged gangly pre-teen boys, or poring over shared activities or maths or something like that. But I DO know that this daddy is an expert with littlies. A baby or toddler in one arm seems like an extension of his arm, such is his ease with them, and he knows all the little expressions they make and is sensitive to what they mean and what responses they need. He knows when a tickle will fix the grumpies, or a pair of trousers tossed gently onto a 3-year-old's face during a nappy change will make him laugh instead of protesting at being taken away from his game (yes, my nearly-4-year-old is still not potty trained). He is so gentle with the little ones and can settle a reluctant napper to bed with patience, or rock a fussy baby for the 10th time in 2 hours. I honestly DO care for my children myself! ;) But I'm just saying, this man really gets involved and gives and gives and gives to his little ones. He is not perfect and he loses his temper sometimes in a stressful moment, but he is a wonderful wonderful daddy and I think he rocks! :)

These photos were taken a few weeks ago. Neil was tired one afternoon and lay down on the sofa to catch a cat nap. Benjamin wasted no time in crawling over there and pulling up at the sofa, and tired though he was, Neil lifted Benjamin up and cuddled him, and let him flap his lip for ages (you know how they do, lol!), and eventually perked right up and just enjoyed his baby boy. I especially love the first photo because of his big gentle hand laid so lovingly on Benjamin's sweet little head.











He's such a lovely daddy! I'm so thankful that he's my husband!

Very lame but short post just to say....

.... that I know it has been a month since I updated last! Oh dear! Right now I am almost 8 weeks pregnant and just really really nauseated and tired on a constant basis. I will be back! I haven't forgotten my poor old neglected blog! ;)

For memory's sake: Nathan (now 2 years and 3 months) is now talking easily and fluently, about as well as the other boys (and clearer than Matthew on many occasions), but with a much more chipmunky voice and some cute little toddler-ish pronunciations thrown in. I can hardly stand the cuteness!!!!! His sentences are just... well, complete, really. I counted the words in one of his average ones today to see how many he typically strings together, and there were 11. He doesn't miss out any words any more and uses past tense correctly most of the time. I am SURE we never had a talker until now who has SUCH A VERY chipmunky voice! I adore it! :) He is cheeky and giggles a lot (little "hee hee heeee" sounds like he's inhaled some helium!), and uses a lot of tones to show various types of humour when he talks or responds to us. He lets his eyes twinkle mischievously as well. I love that tiny little boy so much!

He has a lot of very sweet pronuncaitions, but my current favourite three are as follows:

* Weetabix = "quibbitz" (this was a couple of months ago. I think he has changed this already, sadly!)
* Ice cube = Ice Koooob (I love the way he says this one! He has a little bob to his shoulders as he says "koooob" :) )
* Turquoise = turk-wheels (this one is from today - he learned this colour this afternoon)

Benjamin is waking for a feed so I have to go, but I'll try to come back to post bits and pieces when I can!

Thank you all so much for the lovely congratulations last time I posted! xxx