A milestone for Matthew!

Thank you so much for all the lovely birthday wishes! :) I had a really nice day! We went out for that walk in the park, and I sat in a nice coffee room with some other mums from church and breastfed Nathan, while Neil and the other boys ran around outside in the park! We weren't there long, but it was so nice. In the afternoon I took a nap with Nathan! And when I woke up, Neil and Arthur had baked me a birthday cake with smarties on it (I wonder who thought of that part?!), AND our/their first ever attempt at chocolate brownies. Those were gooooood. Neil made a roast dinner, and I blew candles out on the cake after dinner, while Neil and Arthur sang "Happy birthday dear Muuuuh-meeeee!..." and Matthew "ahh ahh"ed along with their singing in his highchair! I don't think I had any presents to open at ALL on my birthday, and only 3 cards in the post, but I couldn't have been happier with my day!

Well, yet again it is LATE and I have a gazillion things on my mind to write about. BUT, I will just have to squash some of it down for another time, because really I want to make sure I write about a significant event from today!

Matthew and Arthur (and Neil) are currently sharing a bedroom - I mean, that's the plan, that they share, because we only have two bedrooms. Neil will move out when they're settled in and enough time has passed since Nathan arrived for it not to be toooo much of an upheaval for them. Matthew is in his cotbed, and Arthur is in the single bed (raised off the floor for the first time in his life!) with his bed guard in place. Neil is on a single mattress on the floor. It's SNUG (the room is only 12ft by 7ft!) but they all fit in there and it's going well.

Matthew has been chewing the heck out of his cot for ages now. I hear his teeth grinding on it at bedtime when the lights are out! He stands at the far end near the bedroom door, and just chews. He has gradually gnawed some big chunks out of that cot. We have teething rails on the sides of the cot, but he hasn't bothered with those bits! He goes for the nice arched ends, and he has scraped the varnish off with his teeth and everything. It looks yucky, and I'm sure it's not good for him either!

Then the night before last, Neil and I were putting the boys to bed. Matthew was in his cot and Arthur on his bed, and we were just getting the bedtime story ready. Matthew is OBSESSED with "Little Red Train to the Rescue" at the moment. Thankfully it's a lovely story, since I have to read it constantly these days! I have lately restricted it to bedtime, and he begs for it at naptime too! He calls it, "Leh Cwane". His speech hasn't improved much since my last entry (only a week ago, I know!), and that would be impossible to understand for anyone who didn't know him and who was familiar with what he was asking for. "Leh" is a combination of the "L" in "Little" and the "eh" for "red"! And "Cwane" is train, obviously! ;)

So I was holding it but it was out of his reach where he was in his cot. He has got sooooo tall lately. He's definitely taller than Arthur ever was at this age. He's still so little against Arthur, but he has made quite a jump in height lately (Arthur has too - we just noticed that today actually!), and for the first time he's starting to look like he's catching Arthur up in height just a little bit. He'll be taller than Arthur eventually, I'm sure. He just has a longer/leaner body type than Arthur.

I haven't posted photos of Matthew in ages, it seems. Here is one of him a few weeks ago (just before he had a LOT of hair cut off! He was so distressed at the hairdressers, and he always is, that Neil asked them to take plenty off so he wouldn't have to come back so soon! His hair grows soooo fast) - just doing what he does these days. He is into everything, curious about all things, and constantly on the go:

King Matthew, hehe!

He LOVES dressing up in Arthur's dressing up clothes, more than Arthur does in fact! And here's a photo taken just about a week ago, if not less than that (after the haircut, as you can see!). Here's something I forgot to write here when I noticed it a few months ago - Matthew's blue eyes have done exactly what my blue eyes did as a toddler (and what my mum wondered if they'd do because of my eyes) - they have "greyed up"! They are still a lovely clear colour, no rings and just one brown spot above the right pupil there. But they are absolutely clear grey, no blue whatsoever. They just WENT like it over a month or so, recently. Anyway - photo!

Anyway, I digress! Where was I? Oh yes! He leeeaned out over the cot side (which was right up), and just flipped out onto the floor! He was pretty shocked, but so were we! So, there we have it. He isn't climbing out at all. But he's tall enough to fall out by accident (he did it again last night, reaching again), and he's eating his way through the poor cot anyway! So we nervously (!) decided that it is time that we turn his cot into a toddler bed.

My parents came over from France this morning for a long weekend type of visit, to see my grandparents and Thea and our boys all in just a few days. So we'll see them a bit for a few days but only for short visits. We all miss them so I'm happy for ANY length of visit! They were here for an hour this afternoon and while the boys were occupied with Nana and Grandy, Neil went in the loft and got the toddler bed ends down, and turned the cot into a toddler bed! I went up to see it when he was finished and I felt kind of tearful when I walked in the room and saw it, I have to say. There it was - a teeny tiny little "big boy" bed - no rails or guards to confine him any longer! The old chewed cot ends were still in the room standing against Arthur's bed, and suddenly I realised my baby boy was growing up! Waaah! It doesn't matter that I have another baby boy, I still feel sad about THIS baby boy growing up before my eyes! But, since he was born I have really not like him being behind those bars where I can't reach down to kiss him (once the base was low enough) while he sleeps. Sometimes it has driven me crazy, like an itch I can't scratch! So I'm THRILLED to be able to kiss his little face while he sleeps now! :)

Anyway. I took a photo after I had my wistful moment! ;)

After Nana and Grandy left, we took the boys up to explain the changes and let them explore the new bed a little. Here they are on Matthew's new bed!

They were BESIDE themselves with excitement about it at bedtime, especially Arthur, for some reason! He wanted to sleep in there with Matthew all night, but we said there wasn't room for them both to SLEEP. He was disappointed, but we said they could lie together in there for the bedtime story! Here they are at story time (guess which story, hehe!):

Please please disregard what you see of my hair in the last photo. *sigh* It needs a wash, and my "Matthew hair" that came in 4 months after he was born is now just annoyingly too short to tuck behind my ears, but too long to have flapping all over my face - hence the very attractive job I've made of pinning those bits out of the way! *sigh*

It took the boys AGES to go to sleep. Matthew would not stay in bed. We moved the portable safety gate from the kitchen doorway to their bedroom door for the night, and Neil stayed in there with them till they slept. We padded the floor next to Matthew's bed with a big duvet cover, in case he rolled out. He is usually ALL OVER his cot and banging into the sides in his sleep, so we expected he might. At 11pm we heard a huge thump and ran upstairs to find Matthew totally unconscious on the duvet on the floor! I can't believe he slept through falling out of bed! It IS only a very low bed though, not far to fall. We put him back, and I took a photo with the flash, of the boys fast asleep :)

Aren't you amazed that I have taken, uploaded, and posted in a diary entry, a photo that was only taken like an hour ago?!! I am, hehe! I'm usually so behind with photos! But I really wanted to write about this (with photos!) as it happened, and I spent my whole evening doing the uploading. I can't seem to resize photos properly with the new camera software, so that's why they're too big for this diary page. Oh well. They'll have to do.

Anyway! I have so much more to write about but Nathan is waking and I have to get him and nurse his sweet little self! Will try to update more soon, and I also have a ton to write (and lots of photos waiting now, yay!) at my pregnancy diary! Back soon!

Difficult boys, but happy mama! :)

It's 2.30am! I'm nuts, writing a diary entry at 2.30am when I should be sleeping. But Nathan is about to wake for a feed (it has been about 2 hours since his last one and it's unusual for him to go much longer than that at the moment), so I might as well start a diary entry while I'm here! Not much to type though, unfortunately, because I am sure to have very few fingers available to type with in a matter of minutes! I reeeeeeeally want/NEED to write about a ton of stuff that is going through my mind. But I don't think tonight is the right time, because it's late, and I won't be able to type much. It will drive me crazy to start on it and then not be able to write much after just a couple of minutes!

I wanted to write about (in BRIEF!!):

* Matthew's talking, or lack thereof. I think he's about to take off in that department, but hmmm, Babycentre told me that my 20-month-old (he's 20 months!!! Can you believe it?!) now has a vocabulary of about 200 words (um, no), and between the age of 18 and 20 months has been learning 10 words a day! I want to write in more detail about which words Matthew DOES say and how he pronounces stuff and all the usual kind of thing that I write here like that! But no time. Nathan is in the Moses basket near me and he's stirring already (and thus farting, haha!), so I know he'll be up and ready to nurse in a minute. I haven't even got a vague idea of how MANY words Matthew says, just that it's not many. Most of the ones he does say are only understandable to us, but that's okay. He'll catch up. Arthur said only a handful of words I think, and then SUDDENLY had a word explosion and was talking in sentences a couple of months later (if memory serves, which, quite honestly, it does not do so well these days!). He had already done that by Matthew's age though. Matthew will get there I think.

I think it will be soon. He has had 3 nights on the trot where he's woken inexplicably and stayed awake for HOURS in the middle of the night, apparently unable to sleep. He hasn't done that for soooo long, and when he DID used to do that from time to time, it was always RIGHT before a new skill emerged. Usually a motor skill, like crawling or walking or rolling over, but not always. So I can't figure out any motor skills that he has yet to master (!). I wonder if it's talking that's about to happen? He DID start saying 3 new things just yesterday, and it's a reeally unusual thing to note the exact day that a new word is said by Matthew, let alone THREE! So maybe he is about to accelerate on the talking thing?

His new words were "Um-ma" (that's me, by the way :) His version of "mama"), "Ni-ni" or "Ni-nay" - that's Nathan!! I'm so excited about these first two!! And the third that day was "crane" pronounced very clearly (well, maybe a bit more like "gwane"!), about a picture of a crane in a story book!

Matthew is such a joy. I love him so much! He's always laughing or smiling, and it's always because he's being cheeky and mischievous and loving it! I love the sparkle in his eye. He is kind and sweet and gentle with his baby brother. Today he did have his first couple of not-so-good moments with Nathan though. Nathan was on the floor to have a nappy change, and I turned my back and Matthew hit him in the face with a toy car :( Nathan cried so hard. I wanted to throw Matthew out of the window! I get so fiercely protective towards my tiniest baby each time I have a new one. I can't help it. But I tried to be calm and handle him sensitively. He did get disciplined though.

And the other time, Matthew was being a bit whingey and he asked for milky (to nurse). I was nursing Nathan at the time, and Neil had almost served up dinner, so it was not the time to offer him the breast. I said he could have milky after dinner, when we went up for bedtime. He understands EVERYTHING by the way. He got cross and cried, and asked again (he says, "deh-dah" to ask, just to note here. "Deh-dah" is "breasty" which is what the boys call my breasts for some reason! I seem to recall Arthur pronounced it surprisingly similarly when he was younger). Anyway I said no, and he instantly got an angry expression and hit Nathan in the head as he nursed! *sigh*

Nathan's stirring again, still hasn't woken properly though, so I'll carry on.

Another thing I keep wanting to write about (especially when it's right in my face at the time!) is how.... difficult Arthur is being. I tell you, if I was writing an entry to vent about it at the time of frustration about it (as opposed to now, when I'm relatively removed from it, since he's been in bed asleep for 7 hours now!), I would be using words like "horrible" to describe him - things I sometimes read in other mummy blogs, but always felt I could never bear to use that kind of word to describe my own child, no matter how much I felt it to be true! It just doesn't feel right to use that kind of label out there in public about your own child. But I would have.

I fully understand his issues, really I do. We have a new baby. He is three. That explains it all, in a nutshell! But yeah, it's harrrd work with Arthur right now. And yet he can also be a complete sweetie and just normal "Arthur". The rest of the time he is really horrible, or certainly CAN be, and I LOVE him to bits and pieces but at the worst of these times I am finding it hard to like him, to like being around him, to WANT to be patient with him. He is so uncharacteristically (wow that's a long word, hehe!) aggressive, especially with Matthew. He head-butts, hits, kicks, pushes. Thankfully no biting. I couldn't stand him to bite! He is just frustrated with him messing his games up and stuff. And they get on wonderfully all the rest of the time, but there are just soooo many times during the day where they are aggressive with each other now, and they WILL. NOT. LISTEN. as we tell them to stop. We end up yelling to get their attention (a LOT these days, which I hate and it needs to change), and still they continue. We discipline them and they get it and eventually apologise and kiss better and all that stuff, but then they'll do it again 5 minutes later. It drives us crazy.

There's a ton of other stuff with Arthur right now, but no time to write about it. The way he is with us - I'm sure he's taking out any difficulties with Nathan's arrival on US instead of Nathan, and I'd MUCH prefer it that way. But it's hard. He's so RUDE and disrespectful, and laughs and mocks and sings rude and unkind songs if we hurt ourselves, etc. He shouts rudely over our talking. He goes out of his way to do stuff we don't want him doing - tearing a book, say, or dropping food on the floor when we just cleaned it. He won't come when asked, runs away when it's time to put shoes on/change nappy/have a bath, etc. He has started to be rude to people out and about, which is SO unlike him. He had to miss an outing for that, the next time we went out. I stayed at home with him while Neil took Matthew. He was really upset about it, but he totally GOT that it was due to his behaviour the previous time we took him out. He was very well behaved the next time!

He screams (I do mean scream) and cries as forcefully and exaggeratedly as he can for as LONG as he can carry it on, over tiny issues. The noise is enough to make me want to pull my skin off. He makes sure to make sudden loud noises when Matthew is trying to go down for his nap, and climbs and does all sorts of stuff that he KNOWS makes Matthew copy him, and which we have told them both NOT to do. The amount of time we are spending disciplining these kids is just staggering at the moment! It feels like we are doing little else some days, and that makes us think we're doing something wrong, or that it can't be right, etc. But at least we are being consistent.

Ugh.

It will pass though, right? I keep hearing that other people who have had 3-year-olds have had behaviour like this to deal with, even without a new baby, so it could be largely his age. He WAS like this before Nathan was born, but it's just got worse since.

He does seem to love Nathan though, and constantly asks to hold him. He throws a tantrum if I say he can't hold Nathan when he wants to (say if I'm about to nurse him, or it's bath time or Nathan's asleep in his cot, etc).

Thank God Neil is home still. I can't fathom managing the boys without him right now. I mean, seriously. I soooo hope things improve with them before Neil starts work again. Which, still no news on that front.

I am trusting God. I am starting to need to just repeat that out loud now, as things are getting a bit scary financially! I am trusting God. I am trusting God. He is faithful. He will not let us fall.

The other stuff I have been wanting to write about is regarding things to do with God. Mucho long-windedness is required and I don't have the time, even if Nathan were to stay asleep another 2 hours, hehe! I NEED to write about it in my diary, but I don't actually know how to tackle it. There are lots of parts to it. I don't know how to break them into manageable pieces!

If I bullet-point a few, maybe that'll serve to help me over the next few entries I write here? Or at least help me not forget what I meant to cover on the subject! And give an idea of what I am talking about.

Family. Babies. I need to link to a few blogs that are reeeeally challenging my thinking on some stuff. Neil and I are going to set aside some time soon to pray about it. We have decided we need to ask God how many children HE wants us to have. He might not tell us a number, but we need to pray about it. I don't think we should be calling the shots any more.

No time for more detail, but have been praying - Neil has too, about the same thing but on his own. And baby number four? When HE happens? I don't know how to explain it, but both of us just "know" from our own individual prayer times that baby number 4 will be a boy, and both of us feel that he will be a boy called Benjamin. It's an amazing feeling to think that I've just had Nathan, and yet already I know we are simply waiting for Benjamin! It feels wonderful! :) I started to talk to God about having a girl. I don't have a mega urge that I MUST have a daughter. But I asked God if he would give me a baby girl. And before the question was even finished on my lips, I KNEW the next baby was already Benjamin. I'll eat my hat if it's not, when it comes to it! ;) So, I paused at that realisation, and said, "Okay God, thank you for Benjamin! Now, if it pleases you to give me a baby girl after Benjamin...." :) I am praying for a girl for my fifth baby. I have noooo vibes about babies after Benjamin, but Benjamin feels like he's already as real as my children who are already born. It's something I can't describe properly here, and Neil feels exactly the same way. Today Neil came to me and said he had wondered about whether we might have twin girls after Benjamin! Weirdly, I vaguely daydreamed the same exact thing this morning while nursing Nathan :)

Okay, Nathan is waking properly now, I think. It's after 3am, ugh!

Ooh! It's my birthday!!!!! D'you know, this is the first year that I have really not thought much about my birthday approaching. I guess I am a bit busy right now! That's probably why. But I suddenly realised it was going to be my birthday, a few days ago, and it felt so weird to suddenly realise it, so close to the date. For me, anyway.

No plans for my birthday - well, the mother's group (Fellowship Group) at church is meeting at the park for a walk with their little ones, at 9.45am (sooooo early, I still need to sleep when Nathan lets me during the morning to catch up from the night!). I forgot it was my birthday when I said I'd go, but it doesn't really change anything. I still plan to go, but I'm not sure I'll be up to it with how late it is and how my sleep will probably be very broken once I get to have some - Nathan wakes to nurse very frequently still.

I'm 32!! Or I will be, at 11.25am :) I really thought I'd have a VERY new baby on my birthday, maybe less than a week old! But Nathan is nearly 6 weeks old already. He still FEELS very new. He's my favourite birthday present, then! My boys are just the best gift from God, ever. I'm so thrilled with them (hard work and all!)!

My sweet baby boy!!! I love him soooo! Thank you God for blessing me so very much this past year. I'm excited for another year of blessings to come! I'm happy to be 32. I'm always happy to be whatever age I'm arriving at each birthday. I love being even-numbered ages though, for some reason! It must be a leap year! D'uh, of course it is. I was born on a leap year so when my age is divisible by four, it's a leap year :) That's how I remember when they are, hehe! I love 32! I love the number. I'm excited to be this age! It feels like an age where life is really happening and it couldn't get more exciting than that! What a great age to beeee! :)

A few Arthur things...

I seem to have no time at all to write here! I am still writing at my pregnancy diary when I do get time, because Nathan is still in that "newborn" window where I update there about my new baby :) I will probably keep writing about him there for another month or so maybe. I do have things that I keep wanting to write here, and I really don't like letting them slide by, because then they just leave my memory banks completely.

So, I have maybe five/fifteen/0.01 minutes (!!), and I wanted to jot a few things down here while I can, to make note of them while they are still "news"!

Arthur had a few firsts lately!

On Sunday when we went to church, he had his first session at Sunday School! He has been in creche all this time. They take kids up to age 3 - well, the first group at Sunday School is for kids aged 3-5. They won't take them before their 3rd birthday. After Arthur turned 3, they were rehearsing for the Christmas Nativity play and Rachel (who leads it) said that it would be better for Arthur to join the group in January, as he would come in when they were getting back to normal things again. Then of course, in January, I went and had a baby without warning anyone! ;) So, we didn't go to church much in January.

The Sunday before last, I told Arthur that he could go to the "big group" with Joshie (his favourite friend, who is 5 months older than Arthur and has been in that group since the summer), or he could stay in creche. By the time I went to remind him when it came time for the groups to start during the service, he was already in the creche room, busily drawing with crayons. But after church he reminded me that he was supposed to go to "big school" (bless him, I don't know why he calls it that!). Last Sunday when we went to church, I asked him if he would like to go to creche as usual, or if he would like me to take him to the big boys' group. It isn't just for boys, of course! But for some reason it is all boys (except for one girl, who wasn't there today) in that age range.

Anyway he said yes. Once we got in there, he went soooo shy! He hung back with his ENTIRE hand in his mouth, just toooo shy to take part, which I found interesting, as I was never sure how Arthur would be in a new setting like that. He's a very confident and outgoing little boy, and I had often wondered if he'd be shy EVER, but he has his moments sometimes. I stayed the whole time, and will do so for the next two or three sessions. After that I'll see if he's happy for me to leave. He wouldn't sit down at the table with the group till Joshie patted the chair next to him and said softly, "Come on, Arthur!" He's such a sweet little boy!

I had Nathan in my arms the whole time but he slept soundly so that was okay. Anyway it went great! They learned about the good Samaritan. They had a discussion about what it means to be kind versus mean (soooo apt for Arthur right now *sigh*). They cut pictures from the story and put them in the correct order. Rachel assigned a helper to Arthur to help him with cutting and ordering the story, but I told her that he could cut well, and he DID! I was so proud! :) He cut fast and on all the lines. They seemed quite surprised by how well he could cut :) I asked him which picture came first, and which one came next, etc, and he very quickly put them all in the right order without making any mistakes. So I was pleased that he could get stuck in with the work without being a bit behind in terms of skills learned, etc. Or being a bit young for it, and so on. That was a relief for me. They also did cutting and sticking and drawing (kind faces), and he LOVED that. He drew his first actual picture of a recognisable thing! Arthur's drawing isn't anywhere near what most 3-year-olds are drawing, I think. He hasn't yet done more than scribbles, although he can draw shapes (triangles, squares and circles). He asked me how old I was the other day, and I said 31. He wanted to write it! I carefully drew the number 3 for him to copy, and he said, "I've already done the 1..." and he had, with the little folded-down thing at the top of it too! He did a pretty good 3.

Anyway but he hasn't drawn faces, people, objects, anything like that. He will tell me he's drawing something, and it's just a bunch of scribbles to look at. I know other 3-year-olds who are drawing real stick people with smiley faces and hair, hehe! He'll get there. Perhaps I don't give him enough opportunities, or the right kind of encouragement? Anyway. So he drew a "kind face" - a circle with two slits for eyes, a line for a nose, a round mouth, and then added two lines sticking out of the bottom of the face, declaring, "That's the feet!" :) I was overjoyed!

They did singing with rhythm sticks - a pair for each child. Ohhhh he loved that! Banging things as loud as he could, and being encouraged to do so, hehe! They learned a Bible verse with the rhythm sticks, and listened to the story of the good Samaritan. At the end there was a prayer time, and to me, this was the BEST bit! Because Rachel asked if there was anything anybody wanted to pray about. A little boy stood up to show everyone a big plaster on his side, lifting up his top so we could all see. And another said he had a sore leg. Then - how precious! - the boy with the sore leg (who is 5), closed his eyes and prayed out loud that God would make his sore leg better! And another boy prayed as well. I think that was a real eye-opener for Arthur. I don't think he had any concept of children praying before. I pray with him every day and sometimes ask him if he wants to pray, but he always quickly says, "No, you." and so I do. I won't push him to pray. We also say grace at mealtimes (but honestly, we've only recently started, because we are shamefully forgetful about that usually), and usually ask, "Who wants to say thank you to God for our food?" and he always pipes up, "Mummy!" or "Daddy!" :)

Anyway, so he watched and listened. Yesterday at dinner, Arthur said, "Today, I'm going to be the one to pray!" We closed our eyes and waited, and then Arthur prayed, and honestly I could have burst into tears, my heart was so overflowing. His voice got all shy and quiet, and he said, "Lord.... thank you for our food... and..... Lord.... thank you that we like it. Amen." We found it so sweet that he said "Lord", just like we often do when we are praying aloud. Also, so cute that he thanked God that we liked our food, because he was sitting with a plate in front of him, containing a single piece of dry bread! As usual, he wouldn't eat the chicken casserole I made, and had his usual bread "with NO butter!". I also noted that yesterday was the first evening that I can remember where he hasn't rudely complained about the food. He didn't use the word "yuck" once. Which is a HUGE deal for Arthur, believe me! *sigh*

Tonight he wanted to say grace again :) It's so so so sweet to hear him pray!

I can't remember what the other "first" for Arthur was lately... if there even was one. Nathan just woke up crying so I have to stop for now. I'll try to write more bits and pieces soon!

Three children, aged three and under!

It's 11pm. I am really happy right now. My cute, snuggly newborn is 20 days old - he's 3 weeks old tomorrow. He is sleeping on his daddy's chest in the armchair. I have a precious, intelligent, difficult 3-year-old who is sleeping in a big co-sleeping floor bed upstairs. And a scrumptious, funny, mischievous 19-month-old who has woken totally inconsolable this evening and taken half our "adult" evening to resettle.

I know my husband is home from work all the time. I know I get to take a morning nap when I have been up half the night breastfeeding. I know I have it easy right now, as far as support and practical help goes. I know that pretty soon (we hope!) Neil will get a job and I'll be looking after 3 children aged 3 and under all day, every day (except weekends!) without an ounce of help. That should scare me silly! It DID, a couple of days ago.

But today, I don't know. I feel so confident. I really really believe I can DO this. And more.

Okay, so I am listening to Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" on repeat at YouTube - I just LOVE that song for some reason! I was 7 years old when it was released and it was played EVERYWHERE. I remember going swimming and it was playing while I was in the pool, MANY weekends running (we used to go swimming as a family every Sunday). I am pretty sure it was playing at my 8th birthday party, which was a swimming party (I think it was that year anyway...). I have a ton of fond memories of life while that music was around! Also I just love the song. It’s catchy and bouncy and 80s-ish, and I LOVE it! It cheers me up on a bad day, anytime. Today is not even a bad day! So perhaps that accounts for my upbeat mood?!

Anyway. I know this is temporary. Even a Super-Mummy is going to have BAD BAD days and feel despairing and overwhelmed. I know I will have them, and I will be back here before I know it, writing about how it’s impossible to cope with 3 kids at once, so young, and I will never survive the day, etc, etc. I know those days are coming. But I also know I can do this.

I feel so excited about my situation! I feel so proud of what I am doing with my life. I am a Mummy, like I always wanted to be. But I NEVER for a nanosecond thought I would ever have kids so close together! Ever. My children are 3 years and 2 months, 19 months, and almost 3 weeks old! I have 3 aged 3 and under! I know I am in the hardest season of parenting, right now. Maybe it could get more difficult actually, when I still have 3 aged 3 and under, but all 3 are mobile and I’m trying to potty train two of them? Anyway. This is the hardest season. I have been reading things about having lots of little ones close together, and how it’s a season. It FEELS long and drawn-out, but it’s fleeting. Then you miss it, even the hard parts. Maybe this is helping my perspective right now?

If you are out there with a 2 year old and a baby, and expecting another, and you haven’t already read Amy’s Humble Musings (I have already, shamefully, forgotten which wonderful person gave me the link to this blog in my comments here once – but thank you, so much!), I wholeheartedly recommend her series on living with three under three. It’s been so encouraging to me (there are 8 parts so far). Amy has 6 children aged 9 and under. The best parts are actually in the comments – there are soooo many, from other mothers who have weathered the many-young-children phase, and they give some great advice. It has blessed me so much that I am going to post a link to each of Amy’s parts to her series:

Living with 3 under 3: Part One
Living with 3 under 3: Part Two
Living with 3 under 3: Part Three
Living with 3 under 3: Part Four
Living with 3 under 3: Part Five
Living with 3 under 3: Part Six
Living with 3 under 3: Part Seven
Living with 3 under 3: Part Eight

I’m just so encouraged to be reminded that this IS the most difficult part of parenthood, it’s not just the way it feels to me. I don’t quite have three under three, but near enough. Arthur only turned 3 two months ago. I think if I ever ACTUALLY have three under three, it will be harder than this! Especially since I will also be homeschooling the older ones! But anyway. It’s not easy! Most of the mothers say that adding a fourth, fifth or sixth child is easy as pie in comparison, which is another encouragement to me, since that’s what I’m hoping to do! :) Anyway, this hard stage is just a season, and I WILL survive it. And my children will too. And will not be traumatised for the experience! I will learn patience and grace and a good many other things that I am SURE that God is waiting to teach me on this journey. Things I reeeeally need to learn!

The other day, Neil had to go out for a few hours to pick up our BIG family car (it’s a Chrysler Grand Voyager, an MPV with 7 seats! I feel so.... awed , that I have enough children to warrant an MPV, hehe!). We won it at eBay. Now, you’ll think we’re crazy (we are, I’m afraid), but we got it so cheap that we’re going to sell it :) The night after we won this Chrysler Grand Voyager (in totally yucko colours inside and out), we decided to bid on another! We won as well! The second one we won is in even better condition (though the first is also in brilliant condition). It has lower mileage and is a pale silvery purple with grey leather inside. It’s GORGEOUS :) There is about £100 worth of minor damage to the side of the first one we bought, and we plan to have that fixed, clean it up well (it wasn’t cleaned prior to selling), and re-sell it. We are hoping to get at least £500 profit. We are also selling the car we’ve been driving since Matthew was almost due, and that should fetch us about £1000 more than we paid for the first Chrysler, so HOPEFULLY when we’ve finished selling two cars and we’ve got the second Chrysler that we won, we’ll have a great family car AND £1000 - £1,500 in the bank. That would reeeally help us right now. Now that we’ve bought two large cars (!!), we need to sell asap. Neil is getting the Ford ready to sell this week, and hopefully it will sell quite quickly. We are expecting to pick up the second Chrysler next week, and as soon as we’ve put the kids’ car seats in it, we’ll get the first Chrysler ready to sell and try to get it sold quickly.

Anyway, bit of an aside there! So Neil had to go into London to pick up the car. I came over kind of cold and clammy at the thought of him LEAVING ME for more than 10 minutes, haha! Seriously though, I did. I knew I had to get used to it though, so a couple of hours would be GOOD practise. I was sooooooo nervous as we waved him off down the road! It’s so silly of me! They’re my own children, and there really isn’t anything to be scared of! But yeah.

It went okay! I surprised myself! I found that I could discipline a child whilst holding a tiny baby. And multi-task in general waaaay more than I realised. Matthew napped at his normal time, though Neil was here when he went down for his nap, so I didn’t manage that on my own! But then Nathan went to sleep, and I took him upstairs and put him asleep on the big floor bed. I covered him with his blanket and left him there! It was an “a-ha!” moment, because I realised I needed to put him to bed when he had fallen asleep, and be okay with walking away and going to another part of the house without him! It’s so alien to me to be physically separated from Nathan yet. He should still be in my tummy after all! But it was FINE. Nathan and Matthew slept an hour at the same time. It didn’t really hit me until I was downstairs with Arthur and we had some one-on-one time, which felt really comfortable and familiar as though I had stepped back in time to before I had Nathan. It was a strange but lovely feeling, and I’m sure Arthur enjoyed it too! A bit later on, Arthur was making a ton of noise (making siren sounds, and so on!) and I asked him to be a little quieter, because “the two little ones are asleep upstairs” – and the moment I said it, I kind of sat back in shock at the realisation! I hadn’t really realised how the moment has ARRIVED – I really have three little children, and I can say, “the two little ones” without meaning ALL my children!! It’s soooo surreal. And also, it’s something I feel sooo incredibly happy and proud about!

It got slightly hairier after the little ones woke up, and I could NOT get to make dinner for the kids, no matter how I tried I could not get further than getting a couple of dishes out and putting them on the surface! I had a baby in my arms or in the sling (need to find a place to put him safely when he’s down with us and awake), and the other two would not stop climbing furniture or headbutting each other, or screaming fit to burst each others’ ear drums, etc. So I had to keep stopping, and I realised I could NOT cook a meal. Thankfully I knew Neil would be home in time to help me before they got toooo late for their dinner! I need to figure something out about that, for when Neil is working again and ISN’T home to help me make dinner! Hmmm!

Today Neil had to go out again for a bit, and that was fine too. A challenge, but fine. He took Arthur with him, so actually it wasn’t all that much of a challenge as it seems! Matthew woke up after his nap and was inconsolable (I hope he’s not coming down with something), and Nathan was awake and crying, so I put Nathan in Matthew’s cot, and carried Matthew downstairs to comfort him and get him a drink and a snack. Eventually Matthew calmed down and I went up to retrieve Nathan (who, thankfully, had not become hysterical in my absence – just puked a bit on Matthew’s sheets!). The funny thing (to me!) is that while I was dealing with the two little ones, I suddenly thought how much easier it was to handle two under two, than all three together. And then I remembered the early days/weeks when Matthew was tiny, and the many times I wrote here about being completely overwhelmed and unable to manage. And I said how it was surely IMPOSSIBLE to manage looking after two children under two – how on earth does anyone juggle their needs?! So it made me smile to have the “luxury” of only having my two littlest to watch, my “two under two”, and thinking how easy it was, hehe! I am sure when I have another baby that I’ll look back and think “only” having three little ones was easy in comparison!

Okay, Nathan is waking, so I need to finish this.

I am so broody again. I always am by this stage postpartum – by about 2 weeks after giving birth actually. It was 8 days this time ;) I can’t fathom ever having a girl, but right now that is fine and dandy with me. I think we are missing a Benjamin. I can’t seem to shake it actually. Neil is someone who has trouble with names. He is forever mixing up the boys’ names! When Nathan was about a week old, Neil kept on calling him Benjamin, and saying to me that he couldn’t understand why he was calling him Benjamin! Benjamin is my next favourite boys’ name, personally :) In fact, I had it in mind for the next boy after I had Matthew. I didn’t think of Nathan right away, and was thinking of Benjamin from early on in my pregnancy with Nathan. But I didn’t like Ben so much, so I went off it a bit, and then we discovered/remembered we both loved the name Nathan :) But I feel sure we are missing a Benjamin. I feel like he is coming next, and I’m already excited about meeting him and seeing who he’s like and what he looks like! I know I’m probably crazy. But oh well! :P

Don't worry. I haven't completely lost the plot! I KNOW I will have bad days and not be able to fathom having any more babies for the time being! And feel like a bad mummy, toooo bad to manage any more little ones. But I know that will just be because I'm overwhelmed, and I know that's normal, because other mothers are out there having the same challenges, and I take SUCH comfort knowing that THIS is the hardest part. Right now, I am busy enjoying my boys and snuggling my new baby, and letting the house BE a pigsty (for now - I am slowly starting up my FlyLady routines again, bit by bit). I do have a list that I made each day, of six things that need doing. I don't expect to do them all, but it helps me to have a list to work through. With the help of lists, just today and yesterday, I have changed Matthew's cot sheets, and Arthur's bed sheets. And phoned the dentist to make an appt (can't bite food on one side of my mouth for the last month or so, as one of my teeth is HURTING when I do, hmmm!), and the Registry Office to make an appt to go and register Nathan's birth. And yesterday I ran the dishwasher and did a dark load of laundry (those were pressing things). Today I used two ageing lemons to make four lemon sponge puddings - one that we ate for dessert after dinner tonight, and the other three are in the freezer :) So the lists are helping. The house is a tip, but I'm trying not to let it bother me. It's not the time to worry about it, and I'll get there eventually.

Nathan is looking like he needs some mummy milk, so I'm going to finish this and nurse my sweet tiny boy! I am breastfeeding all three of my lovely boys, and sooooo proud! On February 13th, I will have been pregnant or breastfeeding, or both, for exactly four years, as it will be four years to the day since I ovulated and Arthur was conceived! :)

I am sorry to have been away from this diary a bit lately, with all the newsy stuff in my pregnancy diary. I plan to update here more often, if I can, even if it's just bits of news. Ooh, talking of which - Neil has found a job to apply for (at last!), and we are really hoping he'll get it. It's based in London, and pays better than he's earned before. And he's actually interested in the job, so that's a bonus! We don't know what God has planned for us, but we DO know that we are about to be completely out of money (including credit card "funds") and still have a mortgage to pay and bills, and little mouths (mouthes?) to feed. So he MUST earn some money soon. We will have no more money to pay the mortgage after the end of February. We will have maxed out our credit cards by then. Please pray that God will bless us with an income soon! And even that he'll be successful in applying for this job in London. I know it might not be the one God has planned for him. But we just don't know! So we'll pray that he gets it all the same. If he doesn't, I know it's because God has something better planned. I just hope it's soon! In a month's time, if he doesn't have a job it will get very scary.