Link to a breath of fresh air :)

I rarely link posts at my blog (though I probably would do if I was writing here more often! I READ tons of wonderful blog posts regularly, but it's my own blog that gets neglected!). After my post yesterday, the timing was SO perfect for me to read Sherry's post at Large Family Mothering. It just really uplifted me to read it at this particular time, so I wanted to link it here, for my own reference as well as anyone else's.

But, not too bad today! Less yelling than usual, and I'm remembering the verse about "a soft answer". Thanks for the comments on yesterday's post - I so appreciate them! xxx

A soft answer...

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

Oh, chip away at me on this one, Lord, because you know I need a chisel more than a gentle moulding here! Help me talk KINDLY to my children at all times, ALL times, because it's not right to do anything else, and in any case, a harsh word stirs up anger.

A bit disappointed with myself lately. Maybe I'm tired? Not an excuse. But something seems to be making my patience thinner than ever, any time a bookcase gets emptied out... or a child dashes in the kitchen while I go to the toilet, to mix the last of the milk with raisins, tomato ketchup, honey and custard powder... or at least two voices mingle distortingly in the high-pitched whiney nasal tone I hear every few minutes throughout the day (it seems!) to tattle on each other for something miniscule... or someone intentionally blocks the toilet AGAIN with an entire loo roll... I just lose my patience easily. Not my TEMPER so much, just patience. I get irritable, as whiney as my children (ugh!) and yell at them. Yuck.

I'm getting in a bad habit of being impatient at times - too often. I don't use soft words, and guess what? The anger level is rising in my children! I love how WISE the Bible is. The annoying thing about me is that I realise the problem, fully see the solution, and yet PERSIST in the type of behaviour I KNOW causes the problem!!!!! Aaaaargh!! >:-/ (a cross face, if that wasn't clear before now, lol!) I get myself stuck in a rut and then when I WANT to change it, I struggle terribly to do anything about it. It's like the boys provoke me to yell more than ever before, when I am actually trying to stop it! ;)

This morning - and I am NOT proud of this - I had a bad 5 minutes. Or maybe 10. Urgh. Arthur and Matthew were causing trouble and then being rude to me over their consequence. To which I, being the responsible and mature adult that I am, responded by yelling at them. And, angered, they yelled back. Seeing my mistake and the fruit of it, I - nope, don't be fooled, I was a TWIT and yelled BACK some more. Ugggghhh. *sigh* Then I picked my crying baby up off the floor and swept off upstairs to put him down for his nap (which I had been trying to do when the ridiculous arguing started in the first place - what, am I EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!! I'm so annoyed with myself for being so childish!!!).

Whilst breastfeeding Samuel on my bed upstairs, I had time to cool off, and the more I cooled off, the more I cringed at my behaviour, and the more wretched I felt! I just kept thinking, "WHY can't I pull myself together?!" By the time Samuel was asleep, I was praying about it - a step in the right direction.

I am so helpless over all this parenting business without God. I may love being a mummy and I may have always wanted to have children instead of anything else in the world, BUT that doesn't make me a "natural" or a "super mum"! I am SO. VERY. FAR. from that mark. Naturally? I am too lazy and self-centred for parenting. I have the organisational skills of a turnip, though I love to aspire to great things. Turnip, in reality. Turnip parenting 5 children, as loving a vegetable as it might be (!!) NEEDS the power of the Holy Spirit to enable it to do the job!!! ;)

Often I pray such blando prayers that I know God hears, but I guess if they're bland, my heart isn't IN it enough? I don't know. This morning, with my sleeping baby on the bed and my children squabbling and building dens downstairs, I started a blando prayer and I guess the Holy Spirit showed up because before I knew it, there I was on my knees on the bedroom floor, crying, my WHOLE HEART in my words, "I CAN'T DO IT, LORD! I NEED YOU, LORD!" And oh how I meant it! I prayed for a while, and then got up, with ZERO confidence in myself (nervous to even go downstairs, lol!) but, comfortingly, with every confidence in Christ who strengthens me (and He does! Hooray!), and went back to my children. Matthew had emptied the bookshelves over the floor. He did not get lunch until he put them back. I did not yell! :)

I did yell some more this afternoon, but there were SO very many occasions where someone small would scream in my face about something, and my anger would rise and then suddenly a small word pressed into the back of my eyes, "soft..." and I did not yell. I got down to his level, took his hands in mine, and used a softer voice than my normal speaking voice to explain that screaming is not nice, Mummy doesn't like it, and he needs to apologise to me for it. The DIFFERENCE! Immediately, soft calm eyes looked into mine, and with a relaxed body, the little person nodded and said, "Sorry Mummy." Quiet, relaxed, and OH SO RIGHT in my spirit. So easy to move onto cuddles, and it's exactly as I WANT to parent them. I do, sometimes. I just seem to yell more lately, and I want to get back to NEVER yelling. It is not in my own strength that I was able to do that this afternoon (trust me, I have tried it in my own strength and not managed), and I am so grateful to God for the glimpse of the fruit that can be gained from absolutely submitting to Him in my mothering, and not allowing myself to go my own way. I just haven't been turning to God enough recently, and I need to change that.

Tomorrow the challenge begins all over again, because I'm just as weak and wretched for the task tomorrow as I was this morning. But I have hope! I have Jesus! And so long as I submit to Him, I KNOW He will enable me. The task I am carrying out is the very one He has called me to, Himself! So He is sure to enable me, if I am leaning on Him and seeking Him.

I love what I do! I love it so very much. I love Jesus more, though. :)

Keeping up....

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I need some sort of cuckoo clock with this verse popping out every 5 minutes around the clock. Seriously.

I am really struggling lately with carrying out this verse in my role as Mummy to my five little men! I know what the "good" is that I am meant to be doing. It varies depending on the age and personality of each child, and the season of parenting I’m in. Right now one of my biggest sources of weariness is Benjamin’s shrill screaming tantrums that he gives us many times each day, lasting at least 20 minutes straight and often longer. He screams and won’t be calmed down by anything (or nothing at all!), until he’s a quivering, crimson mess with hair sweated through to the tips. It’s honestly worse than a pneumatic drill for decibels and distraction! The boys are fed up with it, I’m fed up with it, and we can’t hear ourselves or get anything done. I should have nipped it in the bud earlier than this, but it started a couple of weeks or so before I got a kidney stone which has led me a merry dance for a month now – finally resolved last week though (SO THANKFUL!!!) and I already have half a post drafted about it, for my records. Will finish it and post it soon! So Neil went back to work today, having had to look after the little ones for WEEKS on holiday time from work, and now I must deal with the issues at hand!

Mucho training is needed in so many areas! I’m not feeling defeated or overwhelmed by the task, for once! I am digging deep into Scripture and finding strength where I should always be looking for it in the first place (*sigh* I am such a s-l-o-w learner!). But off the top of my head, here’s a rundown of the things I know I need to tackle imminently. Not sure of a game plan yet, but I know God will help me with that:

• Benjamin’s tantrums

• Teaching sweet attitude and first time obedience to Benjamin. These are biggies, but bare essentials, and I left it WAY late to even attempt these with the others (with continuing consequences). I know from other wise mamas online that I have ALREADY left it late with Benji, though he's only just two. Onward, though! :)

• Teaching sweet attitude and first time obedience to Nathan. Oh, and Matthew and Arthur while I’m at it. *sigh* I really wish I had been diligent in the earlier years. I am ongoingly tackling this with the boys now, but it’s endless and usually seems fruitless, and can become extremely wearing – hence the need for the cuckoo clock as mentioned above!

Well I thought I would have a load of things on a list, and there really IS so very much to do, but now that I am looking at my list, I can see that ALL of it springs from the basic need for my children to obey me and have a good attitude about it, 99% of the time. A tall order, yes, but I am not a slave driver in my approach, just firm. And I know that little children can and do learn these things when taught diligently, so I have hope and press on.

Sometimes though, I struggle with working Galatians 6:9 through. I start to question myself on things when I'm tired and three children are crying at once, and I'm not talking about having a quiet cry about something for a few minutes! ;) I'm talking about one irate tantrumming child, one hungry or tired baby crying to be picked up, and one child who is angry because I'm the world's worst mummy right at that moment to him, for a temporary specific reason. Loud, emotionally loaded, and incessant crying! In that moment, when I am unsure which child to deal with first, and I choose (for example) to continue consistent discipline with my toddler who, when reminded that we don't throw XYZ toy, yelled at me, "No way! I corn lis-nin!" (I can't listening, otherwise translated as, "I'm not listening!", and yes, Benjamin has picked this up from one of two older brothers who no longer say this after what feels like months of continuous discipline over it) and needs to apologise before anything else happens (breathe, long sentence!), I end up second-guessing whether I'm doing the right thing, in the midst of the moment. I can't think straight sometimes, and my efforts seem to make things worse sometimes, and I think that really I'm just totally GUESSING at the "good", the RIGHT thing to do, sometimes. Then I think of the verse, about how we should not grow weary of doing GOOD, and I think, "But what if the GOOD I'm persevering with ISN'T the GOOD I think it is?!" What if I'm doing it all wrong?! I want to persevere with good as a parent, but then I have moments where I come unstuck and have NO idea what is good and what isn't!

I really want to reap a harvest with my children! Basically as little ones, they have two commands in the Bible to learn and follow, and we learned this verse as our first memory verse last year:

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your father and your mother, which is the first commandment with a promise; that it may go well with you, and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Ephesians 6:1-3

They need to learn to obey us. Obeying means doing as they are asked:

•Immediately
•Cheerfully
•Completely

And they need to learn to honour us, which means respecting us, not being rude or answering back or having a bad attitude towards us.

There are too many families online for me to even link to (though I should give it a go sometime for the encouragement of others who might read this), who raise their children in this way from a YOUNG age, kindly and lovingly, and these children are a delight to be around, well adjusted, joyful and confident. Family life is much more calm and less chaotic than ours, and I know I need to press on in these areas to see this kind of fruit. I wish I had learned this stuff earlier! Now that we're working on it, and have been for quite a long time - a year or more? - it is hard going! I don't know whether that's just normal and you just press on? Or if it's evidence that things need tweaking to be effective and lead to good fruit and a more harmonious family life?! I have no idea what I'm doing, but for the first time I feel like I am aiming in the right direction. I was always so frustrated before, having no idea but ALSO not knowing what my goals should be or why! I honestly feel like the most DENSE parent out there, lol! I know every parent has their moments, but I feel such a twit, as far as parents go! ;) I feel like people knowing about this would be rolling their eyes saying, "And she's got FIVE?!?!"

Well, this post was really to just sort of to write about my journey of cluelessness, um PARENTING, haha! So that I don't forget, and so that I might even learn from it, and look back someday and go, "Ahhh, that's where I turned the corner!!" or, "Ahhh, THAT'S where I should have tried X, Y or Z instead! Oh dear!", hehe!

I just wish I had some sort of accountability from WISE WISE persons, who actually do know all the answers from experience, and who have set about raising their children exactly the way I want to, and who can tell me if I'm on track, or veering waaaay off course. I know that God is my source. I pray about it a lot. But often still feel a bit lost on what I should be doing. I do feel that God leads me to wise advice when I ask him to help me and give me wisdom though. If it's of God, it's nearly always confirmed around that same time with a Bible verse. Ahhh, I don't know! Sometimes I just feel so lost in what I'm trying to do that I don't know what I'm doing, HOW to do it, or even if I should be doing it at all!! I think this is a better way of describing the way I was feeling when I wrote my last blog entry in JUNE (gasp, way too long ago!) about having so many children that I didn't know what to do!

It really isn't the number of children, although I am noticing that having more children forces me to face up to things that I must deal with as a parent but which I could (and probably would, knowing myself!) let slide if I was under less pressure with fewer children. It's the parenting of them and not knowing how, or what I'm doing. The number of children means I have more plates spinning, which is a bit overwhelming sometimes.

You know what? On my worst days where I feel the most overwhelmed, I never, not once, ever feel like I have "too many" children. I have five wonderful, darling, precious children. My children are all boys. I would be a rich, rich woman if I had a pound for every time someone said the words, "All boys?!?!" to me now, lol! Ohh I've heard that one a lot. Everyone wants to know if we've been trying for a girl, or longing for a daughter. You know what? I've never been more thrilled to have five boys and NO daughters. I would love a daughter. I'm girly. I want hair to French plait and pink glittery crafts and ohhhh, girly bedding and sweet little sundresses!!! It's possible to feel that way without the slightest pang whatsoever when I think of my houseful of little boys and the distinct possibility of always being the only girl in my houseful of boys! :)

I love having boys! I love having babies! I love having children. I would joyfully and gratefully welcome more of them, if the Lord was pleased to bless us that way. Lately, with my health having a "moment" with the kidney stone, losing a ton of weight, and generally getting run down - it's been a bit scary at times for me. And that has made me nervous of pregnancy and more babies. I get panicky and think, what about my body?!! Will it cope?!! But when I fix my eyes on Jesus and I trust God with my body, and my womb, and thus my babies, the fear evaporates. Slowly, sometimes! ;) But it does. And that's kind of a marker for me to know what's the right thing to do. Fear isn't of God, and looking at my fertility in a "worldly" way, for want of a better description, worrying about the physical side of things, whether it would be daft and overwhelm us, and alllll the other possible concerns with having more babies - none of those bring me peace. The only peace to be gained for me there is taking control of it all by preventing the chance of any more babies, and that's the same kind of feeling of "peace" I used to get when I was a teenager, deathly afraid of vomiting and carrying around a pack of tummy pills in my bag. They were my security because if I felt anxious and queasy for any reason, I would PANIC. But if I had my pills - just to peek in and look at them in my bag, a sense of calm would come over me. They were there if I needed them.

There's a great verse in the Bible that a Christian counsellor once shared with me that transformed my thinking over many things in my life at that time:

"But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment." Isaiah 50:11

I light my own fires when I try to control things myself, when I make my own security by setting things up just so. It's freeing and releasing to give control of BIG things to God - big things rightfully belong in God's control anyway. I know from experience that it's torment to try to hang on to control of such things myself. Greater strength is needed to keep hold all the time, and greater is the anxiety over it. Letting go is NOT my forte! ;) I struggle with that immensely, BUT it's worth it. The feeling of worry over babies and the future, and wondering about preventing more of them felt EXACTLY like that previous experience of trying to control things, feeling a sort of sense of peace, but that peace just masking the torment. So I am not going to do that.

Well, I could write all night, but it's getting late and Samuel is now stirring awake for a feed. I love that sweet little baby! I have so much to write and so many photos to post! I really will try to get to it soon! I'm just glad to start a catch-up on thoughts and things - important for future reference. Back soon, I hope! :)