Sleep issues. And more carroty photos!

I wish I had updated over the last few days. I feel like I have fifty million newsy things to say. But I haven't had time/energy/free arms.

I am crampy. I am so itchy to start temping again, just so I can SEE when exactly I am ovulating. I am just going by CM at the moment, but of course Fertility Friend do not confirm ovulation if you just chart CM. Tsk. At least my CM is pretty self-explantory these days - at last!! I am sure it took us so long to conceive before because of my rubbish CM, but now it's all normal and fertile! Yay! Anyway, so I am fairly sure when I am ovulating. This time I think it was 6 days ago. Last cycle I only had a 5 day luteal phase, so I'm sort of expecting my period any time now. Today I have had a crappy headache that has lasted the whoooole day, even with painkillers. That's very typical for me the day before a period shows up, or at least, it used to be. Also my face looks puffy. Oh joy. Another normal thing for me just as AF arrives. And I'm tireder than EVER before, and kind of irritable with it. Then just after Arthur went to sleep this evening, I started getting lots of period cramps. Blah. But I am happy that it's been 6 days this time instead of 5. Still not long enough by far to support a pregnancy, but then I don't need it to just yet, so I should stop keeping track of it and getting all obsessive! ;)

Oooh, I added a load of new blinkies!!! I love blinkies, and they just say at a glance what I’m about. I hope none of them offend anyone – for example, I have one that says, “No CIO here!” and I know that some wonderful mothers read this diary who have let their babies cry-it-out to varying degrees. By using this blinkie I don’t mean to say, “All you CIO mothers are wrong wrong wrong!!!” – I just want to make that clear!! I just mean that for me, CIO isn’t something I would want to try, because I can’t bring myself to, and because I don’t think it is right for Arthur personally. And I am proud of my choice – it’s part of who I am and I am happy to declare it! So that’s why I wanted to use this blinkie when I saw it on somebody else’s signature on a FF board. Same for all my blinkies now I think about it. I am proud of my breastfeeding so I have blinkies that say so! I don’t mean them to crush other mummies who don’t breastfeed. I am so pleased to put one up saying, “6 month breastfeeding milestone!”!! I will switch it for a 7-month one and then an 8-month one as the months go by! Anyway I just wanted to clarify all that. And be excited about my new blinkies!! :)

I have a lot to write about sleep. If I had written about it yesterday, I would have been all moody and bummed about sleep. The day before I would have been all happy and excited about it. There. I have spared you the rollercoaster! I am pretty bored of always writing about sleep now, but hey ho. It's still the biggest issue we are dealing with for now. Oh but I will write about that a bit later, because Arthur is stirring and after that my dinner will be ready (lovely Neil yet again!), so I’ll continue this after dinner.

Back again. Yummy dinner :) And make that another 5 day luteal phase after all – my period just showed up before dinner. Pfthth. But also, yay. Because it’s nice to know that I am still able to read my body’s signs after more than a year of weirdness in that department! I feel queasy and crampy, but I’m glad that my tiredness and headaches today can be explained away now, and that I don’t need to expect them again after tomorrow. Tomorrow might be crummy for me. I hope it won’t. I haven’t got much experience of periods since um…. January 2004!! But the first day is always painful and yucky. That counts as tomorrow since it’s showed up so late today. But last period was sooooo light, it had gone after about 36 hours! I don’t know whether to expect the same this time or not. It seems like a normal full-on period for now, but so did the last one at first.

I will stop talking about my periods now!

Neil is watching a football match on TV this evening. It lasts allll evening. That is okay. I have stuff I can write online, Arthur is sleeping peacefully, and Neil doesn’t watch matches like this very often. It amuses me how men (or is it just mine?) assume you are interested in what they are watching (i.e. a football match) every time you walk through the living room to go to the kitchen or something. Neil does this all the time. He knows I don’t give a monkeys about football, and would prefer to be in a different part of the house when there’s a match on, and yet if I appear for like 2 seconds to grab a book I left in there, not even looking at the screen, he’s suddenly narrating or telling me the score, and saying, “Oooh, did you see that?!!” or “Can you believe what just happened?!” It’s only one-way though. He can’t hear me if I talk to him. Like, I can walk in and say, “Arthur just moonwalked across the bedroom and then the roof fell onto the driveway.” And he’d give me that pretend-I-just-heard-the-very-interesting-thing-you-just-said smile that looks completely the opposite to how he *thinks* it looks, and say, “We’re into extra time already!!” Heh. He’s funny. I think it’s because he gets soooo excited about these matches that it kind of overspills. Like a little boy :) Men can be quite sweet. Sometimes!

Okay, I was going to write about sleep. Let’s see. I have lots to write so I need to think about the order of events! It’s Wednesday today (is it, already?!!) so I guess it was Monday when I felt like I had finished another weekend completely knackered, having got nothing done even with Neil around, nor managed to catch up adequately on my sleep. We had not even been able to put the new cot-bed together for Arthur. There’s still furniture where it’s meant to go! Urgh. Anyway, on Monday Arthur had his usual 30 minute nap at around 9-9.30am – how nice that I can say that these days! I hadn’t really noticed it happening, but he does take a half hour nap at almost exactly the same time every morning. I guess it has been easy to facilitate without really paying attention to the time, because Neil leaves for work at around 8.30am, and then I eat my breakfast with Arthur watching, and it’s always during that time that I notice he is starting to look sleepy. After that I will pick him up and cuddle him for a while or play with him, but he’s always showing me sleepy signs by then, and that normally takes us to around 9am or just after. So off to bed we go, and I nurse him to sleep. He always goes off quickly and easily, although he has a good feed from one side first. A good feed for Arthur is normally about 5 or 10 minutes long, but lots of that will be comfort sucking after the initial gulping, until the second let-down happens and then he’s back to gulping again till it subsides! After that he’s almost asleep so I either take him off the breast while he’s too sleepy to protest, or he pops off by himself and snuggles his head around on the bed to get comfy before falling asleep. This is pretty good, now that I think about it!

So he always wakes after 30 minutes with this nap, and I don’t bother trying to get him to sleep longer anymore, because it rarely works. He wakes wide-eyed and cheery, so I just get him up and get on with the morning. The next window for a nap comes around noon, although Arthur is usually getting sleepy or even cranky (if tired enough) any time from 11, so this nap is flexible. Last week Arthur showed a few signs on a couple of days that he would sleep for a longer stretch at this nap. But other days he only slept 30 minutes again, and would not go back to sleep for anything. So he got more and more tired, until he zonked right out at the 3pm-ish nap for 2 hours. So it doesn’t always work out that the lunchtime nap will be long.

But anyway. On Monday, at around 11.15am, Arthur was showing signs of needing his nap, so I took him up to bed, and on the way I suddenly wondered if I might try what I have read other Diaryland mums doing with their sleep-frustrated little ones. I didn’t want to let him cry or anything, but I wondered what would happen if I just left him for a few minutes after he fed, with him sleepy but awake. I wondered if maybe he would fuss a bit but manage to fall asleep by himself (which he hasn’t really done yet, at least only a few times by accident in the middle of the night, and that was months ago). So when I fed him, instead of wedging him slightly with a rolled up blanket to prevent him rolling onto his tummy (he can’t roll onto his back again, and he has NEVER laid his head down when on his tummy – it stays up all the time, whether he’s lively or exhausted!), I let him roll onto his tummy when he finished nursing. He was almost asleep. I got off the bed and “left” to see what would happen. Of course I really stayed crouched below the bed on the floor, peeping through the mesh bedguard where he couldn’t see me, to observe him! I couldn’t really leave. I needed to see exactly how he reacted to this very new situation. But as far as Arthur knew, I was not there.

He popped his head up once on his tummy, as usual. At first he was sleepy, but he quickly seemed more awake. He seemed happy and cooed away. I thought maybe he would gradually get sleepy and put his head down to sleep, but he stayed quite awake. I watched the clock and decided to give him 10 minutes before “coming back” to check on him. I figured if he fussed during that time I would still stay where I was, because maybe he just needed to fuss and then go to sleep. That’s why I kept an eye on the clock, because it felt like an eternity, and I knew if he started getting annoyed I would find it hard to wait where I was.

After a while of busying himself cooing and patting the mattress cheerfully (he is SUCH a cutie!! It was such a lovely thing to be able to watch him “on his own” to see how he behaved!), he started to look at the bedroom doorway. He stopped looking anywhere else after a while. He even tipped his head on one side and leaned his body to the side as if he was craning his neck to see round the doorway! I knew he was looking for me. But he stayed quiet while he watched. After that he started calling me. At first he just used a normal “talking” voice, tone and volume, saying, “Aaa?” and then pausing, watching the door. Then, “Aaa?” and another pause. It was so cute. And I felt awful letting him wait when he was so trustful and expectant, and asking for me so politely! And yet I felt wonderful that he wanted me like that.

After a few “Aaa?”s, they got louder and longer, and he waited less and less time between them. I feel awful thinking back on it, realising how I just sat there and let him call me without responding. It just isn’t right. I feel so bad for it now. But I didn’t know whether it was “right” or “wrong” at the time. It was unknown. I thought he might just go, “Oh well then!” and fall asleep. Silly me. How could I have expected him to do that when he had never ever ever known me to not respond to him before. Ever. My poor baby.

He started to get angry and his sounds got angrier. His body language got angrier and eventually he was red-faced and screeching ear-piercingly at the doorway. By this time, 7 minutes had passed, and I thought, okay, three minutes to go till I reappear anyway, and maybe this is the point where I hold off and he calms down. Maybe I need to get through this bit to help him learn to sleep by himself? I even questioned whether his reactions showed that I had been “giving in” to him too much until now, and wondered for a moment if he was just “determined” or “demanding” in his personality. I can’t believe I let myself think those things, about me or about my precious Arthur. He isn’t demanding or determined. Those words don’t really mean to flatter a baby, when they are used over something like this. They are words that people use to convey the notion that the baby needs controlling or shaping over this issue. Arthur doesn’t. He had every right to get angry. He fully expected his Mummy to be there, and she wasn’t there. And he had every right to expect that, since he had never known anything different. And nor should he have, because he is only a 6-month-old baby. Why SHOULD he ever have experienced a moment without his Mummy, at such an extremely young age? I can’t believe I let myself think differently than this for a while.

Anyway, right after he had been angry for a minute or so, his angry screeches started to sound more like the beginning of crying, and I had decided that I would not let him cry, no matter how long had elapsed. I had planned that if he cried I would go to him straight away and comfort him, and when he was calm I would leave again and see what happened – several times over if necessary. So as soon as he sounded like that I crawled on my belly (I’m so silly!) to the doorway so that I would look like I had walked in at the door where he was looking, and stood up once outside the room to walk in. Just in that tiny amount of time, he was crying and sobbing by the time I walked in :( As soon as he saw me he stopped crying and gave me such a lovely smile, sweet boy. He was still on his tummy so I went and sat next to him on the bed and patted his back gently. He put his head down, which he has never done before, and his eyes rolled till they closed!!! After a few seconds they opened again and he popped his head up, twisting it round so he could look at me for a moment. When he saw me, he smiled that beautiful smile again, and immediately closed his eyes and put his head back down. A few seconds later, he repeated this again. After he had checked to see that I was there a few times in a row, he stayed asleep!! I was so amazed!! It was the first time he had ever gone to sleep by himself.

He did not MOVE, not an inch, for the next hour and 20 minutes!!! At that point, he made stirring sounds so I went in quickly to see what would happen – he has never slept on his tummy before. I was checking on him like every few minutes, I felt so nervous for some reason! He still had his eyes closed, but he had lifted his head and shoulders up. He was sooooo sleepy and groggy that he couldn’t maintain his head up in the air, so it bonked back down on the bed! He lifted it again, but it was too heavy and again it thumped onto the bed, but this time he seemed to give up and went back to sleep! I was agog with amazement! 10 minutes later I took this photo:

He was so zonked! The room was pretty dark so I used the flash, and he didn’t even flinch. That white cuddly beanie-type toy (let’s call him a milky bear, for want of a better name!) next to him is the soft toy that I am trying to help him make into a comfort toy. I am hoping to use it as a tool to help him know it’s time to sleep, or even to help him cosy down and get sleepy when he holds it, if he does take to it as a comfort thing. At the moment I keep it in the bed. When he nurses before a nap in bed, we lie tummy-to-tummy, and the milky bear (I think it’s a polar bear) goes in between us. If he grabs at my clothes/face/hair with his hands while he’s nursing, I put the milky bear in his hands and it keeps him occupied. It is very very soft and its surface is very silky-feeling fluffy stuff. Today he is definitely holding it more while he feeds.

Anyway, he finally woke after exactly 2 hours sleep! He woke with a few cooing noises and I went in to find him still on his tummy, with his little head and shoulders right up, staring around him with sleepy blinky eyes. When he saw me he beamed so huge!! I talked to him and opened the curtains, and he looked sooooo happy for his lovely sleep that I took another photo of him just seconds after I opened his curtains:

Happy sleepy boy!! I was so thrilled for him, and so hopeful of getting the sleep issues sorted out. I knew it probably wouldn’t be that easy the next time, but it was such an encouraging start.

So then he had another 30 minute nap at around 4.30pm and thus ended the perfect day – 3 evenly spaced naps, a lovely long 2 hour lunchtime nap with two 30 minute catnaps either side! It seemed to be just right for him, and it was very nice for me too. I got lots of fabric cut out into nappy shapes for sewing – yay! And I ate lunch. And I watched Neighbours!! Wow. What bliss it would be to have this every day! I could even do housework and the house could look nice all the time. I could feel recharged and like I had spent some time with myself each day. Or if I needed to, I could take a nap myself. How nice that would be. Plus if he continued to prefer lunchtime as a long nap time, it would mean that we would have mornings and afternoons free for doing things together. This means that church, the mothers’ fellowship group, and afternoon clinics would not interrupt Arthur’s nap times!! Yay!

Well. Neil got home and was thrilled with our progress. Right after that, it was Arthur’s bedtime. He was sleepy and I was so encouraged by the naptime success that Neil and I decided to try it again at bedtime. After I fed Arthur, I got off the bed and Neil stayed with me on the floor to watch him, hehe! Well this time it went horribly. At first I thought it was to be expected. But it was worse than that in the end. Arthur called and waited for me to come, and I didn’t. He got angry like before. After that he cried, and I went to him straight away. But he didn’t stop crying. He cried so hard, like he never ever cries, and he sobbed and everything. You guys know Arthur does not cry much at all. He is such a happy baby. But I was right with him, patting his back (he was on his tummy again by then), and shh-shh-shh-ing and being all “Mummy” and comforting. But it was like he was too upset by what had happened to recover from it. His body language and facial expressions and the sounds of his cries seemed to show total despair, not just sadness. It was heartbreaking. I turned him over in case being on his tummy was bothering him, but he just cried harder. He didn’t look at me even, just kept his eyes closed. I even picked him up and held him to me, but he just sobbed and cried, as though any old person had picked him up. My poor poor lovely baby.

After that I lay down and breastfed him again, and he took it and calmed down some, but he kept stopping to sob and whimper. Soooo unlike Arthur :( By the time he had finished nursing, I had fully decided not to leave him again. I figured I could still let him be sleepy but awake and see if he fell asleep after nursing, but stay there with him. I wish I had done that from the start, but I just didn’t know. Well, he finished nursing and rolled straight onto his tummy. Immediately he started to cry the same way as before, and when I patted his back and shhed him, he just continued to act like the world was ending :( I put him back on the breast, and when he came off this time, he cried straight away. He was very tired by this time, but still. Something had made him so sad. *I* made him so sad :( I felt awful.

It took him a long time to calm down. I lay close to him and just let him nurse on and off, and spoke softly to him now and then, and stroked him with my free hand. I gave him all the time he needed. I knew he needed to regain some confidence and recover from something upsetting, and he needed to feel close to me and know I was there and not going anywhere. After a while he seemed a bit happier, although he was much more awake at this point. He rolled onto his tummy, and didn’t cry. Then he rolled onto his back in the same direction!!! Clever boy!! After that, there was no stopping him! He rolled from back to tummy and tummy to back, covering the entire (kingsize!) mattress and changing his angle on the bed constantly with all the rolling! Finally he settled – wouldn’t you know it?! – right near the edge of the bed in the only spot where there is no bedguard or wall against the mattress! He fell fast asleep and we didn’t want to wake him to move him, so we made a sturdy bedguard out of an ENORMOUS atlas of astronomy (as in planets and stuff, not starsigns!) and a rolled up duvet cover stuffed between the mattress and the bedframe, next to the real bedguard. It sounds less safe than it was! It was very sturdy and there was no way he could have rolled over it. I checked him frequently too.

He slept okay that night. When he woke as normal in the night, the difference was that he cried immediately on waking, just as he had when he was upset that I had left him. I slept the whole night right by his side in the bed, because I wanted to be close to him if he needed extra reassurance. I’m glad I did because he needed it lots of times in the night. Poor sausage.

Yesterday he was not himself. He was clingy and seemed more whiney than usual. He isn’t a whiney baby, and he doesn’t cry much at all. He usually spends a large portion of the day smiling and seeming really happy with life, but yesterday he didn’t at all. I couldn’t even make him smile with things that usually have him giggling easily. Most of the day he wore this expression and seemed insecure in himself – or at least that’s the vibe I got from him:

Poor Arthur :(

He did not want me out of his sight yesterday, and he wasn’t even happy to be put down on the floor with his toys while I stayed there WITH him. He wanted to be held a lot. I had to eat my meals cross-legged on the floor, with Arthur on my lap, because he went straight from unsure whimpery sounds to full-on crying and sobbing if I sat there and didn’t pick him up. I wondered if there was something else wrong, but I haven’t been able to find any other cause. The only other thing I could think of was maaaaybe the banana isn’t agreeing with him, but he has no physical symptoms of intolerance, so I don’t think it’s that. He is healthy. He isn’t overtired. Well, if he is then it’s no more than normal.

This showed me clearly that I had done the wrong thing by Arthur, trying to make him more independent by leaving him, even for a few minutes. I realise that many, if not most, babies respond to this fine with persistence, and nearly all of those will complain at first. But yesterday’s behaviour was exactly what I needed to prove that some babies can not tolerate it, and it’s not right to put babies like that through it. No matter what the “experts” say, or how many squillions of other mothers say it works, or how tired you’ll be for going back to the way things were before. I now know that any sort of separation or crying-it-out-type-thing is wrong to the point of being cruel as far as this particular little boy is concerned. Some babies thrive on it, and do wonderfully as a result. Arthur isn’t one of them. I feel angry with myself for giving in to…. whatever it was that I gave in to, and not trusting my gut instinct that said CIO was NOT for us. Everything within me told me NOT to separate myself from my baby, even to sleep. Not at all. In any way. But I did. And it was the wrong thing to do. Everybody else everywhere seems to be doing it, so I did too, but I wish I hadn’t. I guess I was fuelled by wanting sleep, and wondering if Arthur would just go on sleeping this badly for like another year or more!! I didn’t know how I would cope with the sleep deprivation any longer, so I gave in. Right now I would rather DIE of sleep deprivation than put Arthur through something that upset him so much again. Even if it were to work if I persevered. I will not do it again. We will weather it out.

So yesterday I felt very upset and very fed up about the whole sleep thing. Last night I stayed close to Arthur again, and all of yesterday I held him and let him be as close to me as he wanted for as long as he wanted. Which was all day. And when he napped. Which was badly, by the way. He only took two 20 minute naps between waking (at 6am) and 4pm. He was so tired out, but he cried when we went for a nap :( See? The boy knows he was made to feel insecure and unhappy. He remembered it well enough. And I feel bad about that. I took him to bed to nap at around 4pm, and he cried and nursed and eventually fell asleep around 4.45pm. He slept fitfully and woke crying twice in the first 30 minutes, but after that he went into this super deep sleep. I tried to wake him at 5.30 because bedtime comes at 6.30 and I didn’t want him to be finishing his nap too near to bedtime. But he wouldn’t even wake. He just was soooo deeply asleep. I left him a bit longer and managed to wake him at 5.45pm. He went to bed at 7pm but didn’t sleep till nearer 8pm.

Today has been lots better. He is back to his normal self. He is pretty clingy to me, and I wonder if we have hit the start of separation anxiety? It’s the right age window, and in any case, things could have been triggered by the last couple of days. He is happy as long as he can see me, and smiles at me watching me go up the stairs, but as soon as I’m out of sight upstairs (say, to go to the loo), he immediately starts crying and whimpering. I talk to him constantly from wherever I’m at, or call down that Mummy is just doing a wee/wiping her bottom/washing her hands (!!) – I’m glad it’s not the weather for having the windows open yet!! Hehe! He gets it all narrated, all the details! ;) He whines and fusses the whole time, but at least it’s not full-on crying like if I don’t talk and narrate the whole time that I’m gone. The instant I reappear on the stairs (where he is anxiously watching), his expression changes and he beams from ear to ear. Sweet baby boy.

But apart from that, things have been fine today. He hasn’t been fussy or tearful at nap times. He napped for 30 minutes at the normal morning naptime, and then I let him nurse to sleep at lunchtime and he woke after 30 minutes, but nursed back to sleep again and slept for a total of 2 hours and 15 minutes!!! Yay Arthur! He was very happy after that nap! I have held him a lot today. I guess I am wanting to “make up” for detaching myself from him so rudely the other day, but also I just want to hold him lately. He’s so squidgy and cuddly! And he loves to be held. I love to give him things he loves, so I will hold him. Although, I have hurt my back. Ow. I don’t know how. It’s a specific spot on one of my vertebrae. It hurts when I press it like a massive bruise, but it’s not a knock or bump. Neil is going to find a chiropractor for me. I need to see one anyway to sort my back out well before I get pregnant again.

Anyway. Arthur missed his afternoon nap, because he took his lunchtime nap late and then I nursed him in bed at around 5pm, but he didn’t go to sleep so I got him up again. I shouldn’t have let the day slip so late, but I have felt yucky and headachy today. He took a nice bath with Daddy this evening and then I nursed him in bed. I let him roll around on the bed afterwards to see if he got sleepy. Neil and I stayed right there with him, quietly. He seemed so happy to have us there. I hope we didn’t make him stay awake by being there (we might have) but I just wanted to reaffirm to him that we weren’t going anywhere.

Oooh he’s stirring – oh my goodness, it’s MIDNIGHT!!! I have been writing this all evening!! I can’t believe that’s the time. Arthur needed to nurse then roll about, then nurse, then roll about, and so on, until he finally got sleepy. He pretty much nursed to sleep, but he was just about awake when he rolled over to sleep. He woke two hours later at 9.30ish, and now it’s been another 2 hours and 30 minutes. Not bad for Arthur :)

Okay I just finished settling him. Neil changed his nappy and Arthur was sooooo angry! He screeched and yelled angry-sounding “DAY! ROE! LAY!” sounds – the ones he’s been babbling over and over. He was so funny with his angry sounds that we couldn’t help but chuckle quietly to ourselves, even though he was genuinely cross with us for changing him when he wanted to go back to sleep! I nursed him and then he rolled onto his tummy. We aren’t able to prevent him doing this anymore, and it’s making for a much longer time in getting him to sleep. He wakes up when he finds himself on his tummy, and if he is wanting to stay sleepy then he gets cross about this and cries in an angry way. He did this just now, but I rubbed his back and shhed and he fell asleep!!! Yay!

I feel infinitely better now that I do not have that “hanging over me” feeling from last week – the one that was there because I felt I had no choice but to “detach” a bit from Arthur in order to help him sleep on his own. Now I am delighted because I proved to myself that there’s no way we’re doing that, and also it looks entirely possible that Arthur can learn to fall asleep by himself WITH us, so we can still co-sleep!!! Hooray!! I hope that when he is easily able to fall asleep by himself, he will settle himself in the night more and therefore wake us less. Although I will still wake at every little sound or movement probably. I am all tuned into him so that seems to happen. I’m not the best sleeper myself which doesn’t help. Anyway, I think we will still use the cot-bed because I don’t feel safe to leave him in the bed for unsupervised daytime naps, now that he’s getting mobile. At night I give him protection against falling out of bed, with my body!

Okay, one last thing to mention! Yesterday I cooked and pureed various organic fruit and veg to freeze, so that it didn’t go off in the meantime! I made 10 ice-cubes worth of PERFECTLY pureed carrot!! Yay! This is not like the last batch of carrot I made, ohhh no. It’s smooth and yummy. I might have added too much of the cooking water though, as it’s quite runny. But much thicker than milk still. And I made 4 cubes of peach puree (not too successful this time – way too watery methinks) and 7 cubes of the remaining pears – now much riper than before, so worth trying again possibly?

Today I thawed and heated a carrot cube to a warm temperature, and put Arthur in his highchair and tried feeding him some. He STILL doesn’t like it!! He made faces when I tried to feed him, so I stopped trying. He’ll only develop food “issues” if I try to push him. I let him play with the bowl and spoon, prepared for a huge mess! After a while he picked up the spoon and fed himself three tiiiiny spoonfuls (rather messily!) and he made similar faces but at least he seemed interested for a moment. Then he just played. He didn’t seem to mind getting his hands messy this time! I had a lot of cleaning to do afterwards! Everything was orange!! He had orange ears and dried carrot in his hair on the BACK of his head, hehe! I hope the carrot comes out of his clothes. I even had to put the highchair harness in the washing machine. I will leave you with these photos of Arthur and his bowl of carrot puree!....

Video clips of Arthur (these don't work now, sorry!) and other bits

Hello. I have nothing much to say this evening but I wanted to post three new video clips that were taken over the last week. The last two were actually taken yesterday. They are on his video clip page at the bottom (link over on the left).The first one is Arthur in his bug print fuzzi bunz on the grey fleece, having a chat with nobody in particular! He is doing what he does a LOT these days, lots of loud “day-day-day-day!” sounds. Today he has mainly been saying, “Bro-bro-bro-bro!” or “Ba-ba-ba-ba!” or “Bam-bam-bam-bam!” He likes to say things over and over like that, and I love it when he does, because he makes such funny expressions with his whole face while he does it! He opens and closes his mouth in such an over-exaggerated manner, which I find so cute and funny! The ones we took yesterday are of Arthur and me on our bed. (*sigh* - OUR bed… not for much longer) I was blowing bubbles for him in the first clip – though he wasn’t so excited and active with them as the first time I blew bubbles. And the other one was me pulling him from lying down to sitting, but he would NOT sit, hehe! He is not impressed by sitting. He prefers to lie down, or even better, standing!! He is just soooo excited when he stands, and he likes it when I pull him right up into a standing position from lying down. So there is a clip of me doing this for you to see :)

I am so tired today. I go to bed way too late for a tired sleep-deprived person. It’s silly really. I started the night in the spare bed last night but the first time Arthur woke and I nursed him back to sleep in bed, I fell asleep in there so I stayed the night. I always feel like I sleep badly when I sleep next to Arthur. I LOVE it so much, and I go back to sleep quicker and wake up less completely when I wake to nurse him, but I have that feeling of only having had light sleep and feeling like my night has been all broken up into tiny bits of fragmented sleep. Which makes me feel like something squished in the morning. Neil took Arthur downstairs at 6.45 this morning, as he woke around 6.15 and wouldn’t go back to sleep. I got a bit more sleep, but lately Arthur is getting so that he is happy with Daddy for an hour or so, and then after that he gets quite whiney and upset until he sees me. Then he reaches and shrieks for me, and when I hold him he is the calmest, quietest boy for ages. Maybe we are starting to get a taste of separation anxiety? I know it is due to start soon, given Arthur’s age.

Well, he has napped well today,and yesterday too. I nursed him in bed at 9.30 this morning and he went to sleep right away and stayed there for an hour and a half. I fell asleep next to him and got about the same amount of sleep, which was great. He took a 30 minute nap at lunch time and then a 45 minute nap this afternoon. He had banana again today but it was fairly near to bedtime and he wasn’t in as great a mood for eating. I mixed it more runny with breastmilk than yesterday, and he enjoyed it again. He didn’t want more than a few little baby spoonfuls today though, so I threw the rest away and didn’t make a thing of it – it was a fun time, and that’s great! Thanks for the tip on freezing the fruit and veg that I’ve got, Jemma! I don’t know if I’ll bother with the pear, because he really doesn’t seem to like it. Neil is eating them, but he isn’t that big a fan either. Bleurgh, pear. My NCT baby food book says that of the few fruits and veg that do not freeze well, banana is one of them. So I don’t think I’ll freeze the bananas. Although I LOVE bananas so I planned to eat them myself anyway! ;)

Thank you for the guestbook entries again, and to Julie for the heartfelt note. *hugs*

I am still torn over this sleep thing. The thing is, I know that Arthur sleeps the same whether he’s next to me or not. The current situation is craaazy – I sleep in the spare room to get better sleep, because I wake at every peep that Arthur makes in his sleep. Neil sleeps on our bedroom floor next to the (kingsize!) bed that Arthur sleeps in. Crazy. But Arthur sleeps just the same whether we are by his side or not. So he is not going to sleep better just because we put him in a cot. I know that he needs to learn to go to sleep without falling asleep on the breast or being rocked to sleep. He needs to learn how to fall asleep from being awake in bed, like I can. I just can’t think of a singl way to teach him this that doesn’t involve him crying a bit or being upset at first. I know the outcome is way more important and he neeeeds this skill. But I can’t bring myself to make him unhappy, even for a moment. Urgh. I wish there was an easier way. I haven’t decided what to do yet.

Oh he just made stirring sounds so I went in, and found him on his tummy!! When he is asleep on his back, we always put a rolled up baby blanket against his leg on the side he likes to roll towards, because that way when he rolls on his side in that direction and instinctively then wants to complete the roll and end up on his tummy, the blanket prevents his leg from getting over and landing him on his tummy. He isn’t able to roll from tummy to back very well yet, so I don’t think he would be able to if he rolled onto his tummy in bed, and would need our help to roll him back. So we prevent him rolling. Anyway, it shows how he is getting so much bigger all the time! He had got his leg over the blanket and rolled onto his tummy, and the blanket was under his legs. He wears sleeping bags to sleep so it hadn’t tangled him at all. He was just peeping at me over his little hands tucked under his chin against the bed. He’s such a sweetie. I nursed him and he is asleep again. I wish I could keep him this age forever. But at the same time, not! Parenting isn’t easy. I know everybody knows this, and I did too, but eh. It just needed saying again.

One of his night boots (for correcting his curly feet) has broken, so I have to bleep the paediatric physio tomorrow and take Arthur in to the hospital to get it mended. It broke on Thursday – I don’t know how. It just seems to have come loose and isn’t holding his foot in a stretched position any more. I bleeped the physio on Friday and she said not to use his night boots till I see her on Monday – yay!!! Arthur’s first few nights without any plaster casts or boots for…. ooh months. I can’t remember how long. I think he was 15 weeks or something when it all started. Or 16. I can’t remember. Long enough. He still has to wear the boots for a while yet, but they are okay. It’s normal to us now. And they are working, so yay for the boots! :)

Urgh, I am bone tired. I think I will grab something to eat and go to bed. I feel a bit deflated today. I feel like I never get anything constructive done with my days. It’s all about sleep – for Arthur and for me – and important jobs like sewing nappies or babyproofing the house just aren’t getting done. Weekends are like an oasis to look forward to, but this one has virtually vanished without much getting done like we’d planned. We were meant to go to a wedding yesterday and to church this morning, but we did neither. Just too tired. Or something. Time just disappears. We can’t get much done when Arthur is asleep because we daren’t wake him (NOT how I had wanted to be around our children and sleep), and when he’s awake he needs at least one parent's attention ALL the time! He is getting less and less tolerant of us putting him in his ring or on the floor while we do things. Which I do not blame him for one little bit. And it’s not what I wanted to do for him in any case. But still. It does mean I don’t do anything on our ever-increasing list of things to do. Ever. And then I stress about all the stuff to do and how it’s not getting done. Urgh.

I am not a fun person right now. I wish I was. I wish things felt easier. But I DO enjoy Arthur. He’s the most delightful baby, and I love him so completely.

Neil phoned his sister today. She is nearly 38 weeks pregnant! We are going to see her and her husband next weekend – yay!! I know that despite life as a new(ish) mummy being hard, I will feel very broody when I see her huge bump and little one kicking inside, and all their plans that they are making for a new baby. I can’t wait to do it all again! But obviously I’m going to. Wait, that is. But I’m looking forward to it. Is that crazy?! With how life is at the moment? Oh well. It’s how I feel. SIL isn’t planning to do anything AP and the new baby will sleep in a cot in its own room from the start. I am just SURE that irony will prevail and they will have the perfect sleeper and noooo issues whatsoever with their little one, whilst we over here try to do everything as AP as we can and struggle! She says her baby kicks all day and not at all during the night. That sounds like good-going. Her baby might well sleep great at night and be active in the day. That would be great for them. But I feel envious! Which makes me feel a bit ashamed. I love everything about Arthur, and I wouldn’t change a thing. But I do wish we had more sleep – all of us. Oh but I did convert SIL to cloth nappies – yay!! They just ordered a big stash of them. I asked Neil what type and he didn’t know, and I was like, “What?! You didn’t ASK?!! How will I wait till next weekend to find out?!” hehe! I am so obsessed with cloth nappies.

Okay I am going to go. I need to eat something. And it’s late. And I ache a lot tonight, I don’t know why. I love Arthur. And um. That is all.

And the winner is.....!!

And the winner is....

....BANANA!!!

I should have guessed he would like banana, what with all the lip smacking he'd given it a couple of months ago when I gave him little tastes on my fingertip! We didn't have any particular plans to feed banana to him yet, but Neil and Arthur were watching the FA Cup Final (snore) and I came in and sat down, eating a banana. Arthur seemed to really want my banana, so I broke off about an inch of it for him to hold, and rubbed the surface all over so that it would be gooey and flavoursome if he put it to his mouth. But he didn't like getting his hands messy at all (this seems to be an "Arthur" thing which we are noticing more and more!) so I squidged a bit on my finger and put it to his mouth to see if he wanted it. He seemed interested, and did lots of lip-smacking, etc, so I put the rest in a baby food pot and mashed it with a fork and squirted in some breast milk till it was a good consistency. I mixed it well, and then fed it to him with a spoon, on Neil's lap in the living room. Yesterday when I took him to the drop-in clinic to be weighed, the health visitor there said that maybe he would prefer to start solid foods in a more relaxed and fun environment. She said we could just try sitting him on our laps (prepared for mess!) and finger feeding him some tastes to get him started, and make it fun and light-hearted with no pressure. Arthur seemed far more interested in eating with it being more fun and relaxed. He let me post the spoon in, and munched on the banana, and then leaned forward eagerly for more! After a while he grabbed the spoon and tried to do it himself, but he gagged himself with it a lot, so we let him hold the spoon if we were holding it to feed him.

He ate the whole lot!!! He spat out any lumpy bits very efficiently (though there weren’t many) and swallowed the rest without difficulty, but banana did go everywhere, which was fun! I’m so glad I took photos. What a contrast they are to the pear, rice and carrot!! I still plan to give him carrot again soon, but this time pureed properly to a very smooth consistency. I don’t blame him for disliking it in the horrid lumpy state I gave it to him! I think he might like it when it’s presented to him properly. The banana was organic. I’m glad of that too. I want all his food to be organic, and hang the cost of it. Sooo I have a huge bag of organic carrots in the fridge, 3 organic pears and 5 organic bananas left in the fruit bowl. He has a choice!! But of course pear is yuck, so that one’s out. I don’t like pear either. Yucky woody-textured weird-tasting stuff. Sensible boy! ;)

I am soooo hungry. My tummy is scrunching and groaning. We’re having chicken and mushroom pasties. And pasta. And veg. Gaaahgghhh, my mouth is watering!! I get so hungry so quickly these days. I think it must be to do with this not-so-little boy’s appetite and how I make all his food from my own resources! I need fuel. Lots of fuel.

Talking of the not-so-littleness of my boy, would you believe he now weighs 20lbs 11oz?!!! That puts him at the 90th percentile!!! Yikes! Every time I get him weighed now, he has crept up the percentile chart. Every time. Will he ever stop?!! I can see him being at the 250th percentile by his first birthday, hehe. I wanted them to double check his length too, but I forgot to ask till I had already put him in his nappy and half his clothes, so they said they would check next time, since the nappy can affect how straight he would lie for his length to be measured. Especially big cloth nappies! But what a big boy! I felt so proud of course :) The health visitor was so lovely. I hadn’t met her before. She weighed him, congratulated him on his growth (!) and plotted his weight on the chart, and then said to me, “So he’s on solids then?” I said, “Um, no.” She said, “Oh. He’s formula fed?” Me: “Um, no.” Her: “Is Dad big?” Me: “Um, no.” She said I must be doing great with the breastfeeding if he is growing so well without the influence of genes or other food sources, since Neil and I are so petite!! *beam* You know I always love to be boosted over this. I felt great for my achievement :)

Well, I haven’t said yet how touched I was to read all your messages after my entry about Cameron. Thank you all soooo much. I am just so touched at your loving and sensitive responses, and they are just like getting a big hug over this issue. Which I needed. So thank you!!! You are all lovely friends. Jemma, I did think about bereavement counselling after Cam died, but it felt weird since he wasn’t actually mine. And then it got a bit better and a bit better still, so I figured it would be okay. So I haven’t really thought about it. Megan, I last saw Cameron’s mum and his littlest brother, Nathan (19 months old now – he was born the day before Cam’s funeral, can you believe) when they came to see Arthur in January I think. Actually I sent a card to Cam’s mum a couple of weeks ago, and she phoned me last week. We had a good chat, but we don’t seem to mention Cameron anymore. We talked about how her little boys are doing, and about Arthur and his sleep and various things. She said I should call her after we get back from France (must do that) so that we can arrange to meet up. She invited me to go to a local (to her) mother and baby group that she has just started taking Nathan to, but it happened to be on a day that I was already doing something – I can’t remember what…. Maybe it was travelling to France or something? Anyway, we need to reschedule. It is always nice to see her. But it always feels like somebody – the MAIN person – is missing. Cam always used to sit with us when we chatted, and he was always the main focus of our attention.

I felt today that I would like to go to the cemetery. I know it’s empty and I don’t relish the feelings that I will have there, but I feel like I need to go. It has been too long. Maybe I will find relief somehow in visiting his grave again? I used to find that sometimes when I went before. But I used to go a lot. Jeannie, thank you for the poem – I think I have seen it before. It’s heartbreakingly true, which somehow makes it hard to read but also helpful at the same time. Maybe I will take Arthur to the cemetery during the week? I sort of want to be there alone though. I took Arthur a few times since he was born, and when he was very new he was just all snuggly and asleep inside the sling on my front, so I felt like I was by myself. But now he is such a separate little person, very much “with” me rather than part of me now! I need to talk to him all the time when we’re out and about because he needs that kind of attention now. I would like the chance to go and just be silent and not have to point things out to Arthur or move or leave when he fusses after I’ve been still or quiet for too long. Also I would like to talk aloud to Cameron like I used to at his graveside. Pointless, I know, but something that has helped me in the past.

I would like to change the subject now. Bleh. But thank you so much for everyone’s kind words and support. xxx

Arthur is doing new things! He is up on his arms like he is doing a press-up, so that only his hips and legs remain in contact with the floor, and his arms are completely straight. He has discovered that when he does this, he can quite easily rotate his body around by side-stepping with his hands and thus pulling his body with his arms. The cutest thing happened yesterday! He was tired and I took him to bed for a nap and we lay tummy to tummy on our sides while I nursed him. He was feeding from the “uppermost” breast. He got all hyper and kept wanting to roll onto his back and flap his arms and legs (!!), so I just lay there and let him play for a while. It was really interesting to just stay very still and watch what he did. He rolled onto his back, and then flipped onto his tummy. Then he used his arms to pull his body around, pivoting on his hips, so that he faced down the bed instead of up towards the head. This took him about maybe 60 seconds, stopping along the way to look at things he could see from his new angle. He cooed and babbled for a while facing down the bed, then started to work his arms to bring himself back around a bit. When he was facing the opposite side of the bed to where I was lying, he suddenly stopped and threw a backwards glance at me over his shoulder. Then he smiled, and began working with his arms to bring himself facing up the bed again. As soon as he was facing the right way, he started to shuffle his whole body sideways, so that he moved across the bed towards me! It took him a little while, and quite a bit of effort, but he made it to my side. He got himself so that (still on his tummy) his head was level with my breast, and then twisted his head up to the side and opened his mouth to latch on!!! He couldn’t hold his head steady at that angle so it kept bobbing up and down and missing the breast, which was very sweet! He was very laid back about it all so I just watched his efforts for a while before I flipped him over to feed him. His aim got him latched on 3 times, and each time he gave two or three sucks before dipping off again. After that I turned him on his side and nursed him, and he fell asleep. I thought that was so cute, because it’s like he was off on his own little mission, and then suddenly he must have thought, “Mmmm, food!” and checked to see where I was, then brought himself to the breast and managed to latch on and suck, even from a very difficult angle!

I think he is going to be an acrobatic nursing toddler. Most toddlers are, or so I’ve read, but I’m absolutely sure Arthur will be terribly acrobatic and nurse from all sorts of odd positions. He’s starting to show me signs of it even this early! Twice in the last week he has been sitting on my lap facing me, and suddenly he buries his face in my chest, rooting away as he gets hungry. So I pull my top up, undo a bra flap and he just goes for it like a little bird pecking with its neck out! Sitting up! It’s starting to be so that if he can get his head level with my breast, no matter the position, then he will try to nurse. And not always because he is super hungry. He likes to snack too :) I like that. I like his snacks because they are usually quick and spontaneous when we were previously enjoying some playtime on my lap or something, and they always end after a minute or so with Arthur giving me a wide-mouthed beaming smile full of milk (which runs out of the corners of his mouth!). I think he likes that he can snack on Mummy milk on a whim. I can see me needing to teach him that it’s not okay to just lift Mummy’s shirt when he wants to nurse, especially in public! I read that this can be a common issue with breastfeeding toddlers, and I think because I am currently happy to let Arthur initiate feeds and snacks at any time in any place (and in any way), he will probably need to learn that rule at some point. But that’s okay :)

He is sitting so well now. His back is getting straighter as he sits these days, so I know he is improving. He still often chooses to flop backwards, but I know he can sit very well even when leaning at various angles, if he chooses to. I got some bubbles out yesterday for the first time, and sat him up on the bed. I blew them so that they went up above him and fell down right over him. He sat bolt upright with his head twisted up to the ceiling to watch the bubbles fall. He reached for them and looked soooo surprised when they vanished in an instant!! It was the cutest thing. He leaned out at all angles trying to reach ones that were falling nearby. He never wavered in his sitting position so I know he is getting really good at it now. He just doesn’t seem to be as interested in sitting as standing or rolling. If I pull him to a sitting position from lying down, he locks his hips and knees so that they won’t bend into a sitting position, and goes right up into a standing position with me just holding his hands, and boy does he beam and smile when he’s up! He loves to stand. He gasps and squeals and smiles when we tell him how he’s a clever boy or a strong boy! He’s so cute. I took some video footage of him watching the bubbles today, so maybe I will have a clip to show you soon. He watches them fall from his sitting position till he gets tired of that, and then he just flops back onto the cushion behind him (I’m much more careful now!) and watches them from there. He does little gasps if they pop near his face, because they make a teeny tiny poof of cold liquid as they pop, and that makes him gasp, hehe! He seems to love them. We are going to have bubbles every day :)

He is still teething quite badly, poor thing. The teething powder doesn’t seem to be as effective these last few days, and his cheeks keep being quite red and puffy at times. He is frantically biting hard on everything, and dragging anything he can find towards his mouth to bear down on with his gums. If he can’t find anything during a frantic sweep of the floor/bed/person holding him, he stuffs his whole hand in his mouth and bites down so hard that his fingers go pink and puffy :( We try to have a good teething ring handy all the time, or else give him our fingers and knuckles to chew on. But he still bites his fingers and hands a lot at the moment. Tonight he woke a short while after he went to bed, crying and sobbing and “oh-yoe-yoe”ing which I recognise as his way of showing that his gums are hurting him. He got very upset when Neil held him and calmed down the instant he was in my arms, which is another good indication that it’s his poor gums. We had just given him powder before bed, so we gave him Calpol. He seemed happier very quickly, but he woke a couple of hours later and cried when Neil rocked him. He settled quickly when I lay down next to him and nursed him, and then he went to sleep peacefully. I don’t know. He seems to be having a hard time of it at the moment with his poor gums. He is six and a half months old in 3 days. That’s how old I was when I got my first tooth. I hope his comes through soon. I’m sure it HAS to be soon. Surely? This month is going by so fast! He is almost closer to being 7 months old than 6! Just a few more days.

I was quite pleased because we walked to the clinic instead of driving there. It’s quite local but I usually drive anyway. This area is so yucky to walk in. Plus I am unfit with walking. But that’s just a good reason to do more of it! Anyway, it was POURING with rain, so I put a raincoat on and pulled the hood up, and put Arthur in his 3-wheeler with the big spacey-looking plastic bubble round it, and off we went! I LOVE the rain. I love walking in it. One time a few years ago, I went to the park in the middle of a torrential thunderstorm, waded into the ferns and thick foliage (NOT tall trees of course!) and took my shoes and socks off to walk a mile or more in the rain! It was so cool. Nobody else was there because of the rain. I love walking in the rain.

Anyway, on the way back from the clinic, the rain had stopped, and I took a detour to Homebase, where I purchased lightbulbs, a row of key hooks to hang our keys on instead of losing them all the time (tsk!), a 3-tier stainless steel steamer to healthily steam Arthur’s fruits and vegetables, and a large oval wicker-type laundry basket which has a cream linen lining that ties on the outside. I can’t describe it well but it’s nice. It’s to put Arthur’s toys in at last!!! So now we have a toy tub! It looks nice with our sophisticated adult furniture in the living room, but also gorgeous brimming with bright coloured toys! And tidy and neat. Which is the point.

We are still babyproofing. The entertainment unit is set up and looks great – much more clutter-free! Julie, I can’t believe your husband bought an entertainment unit for babyproofing purposes just the other day!!! Are we the SAME person?!!! Today I have been clearing and sorting all the fabrics off the pine changing station that I won on eBay when I was pregnant. We NEVER used it!! Not once. Oh except one time we bathed him in the bath that came with it. It’s just taking up space that we need for other things, and it is infinitely easier to change his nappy on the fleece blanket on the floor. It stops the wee going through to the carpet too, and it can be thrown in the wash as often as necessary. Softer and much more spacious than the plastic changing mat too, so we are putting that away as well. I had noooo idea of this kind of thing before we had Arthur! I just figured, have baby – need changing mat/station! But you don’t. So we are taking it apart and maybe I will sell it on eBay or something. Or maybe we’ll just stuff it in our overfilled loft space for another time. Then we need to move a wooden blanket box upstairs into its place, and fill it with my sewing supplies (yay!). Then we put a bedside table unit in the loft and put my chest of drawers in its place, and THEN (and only then!) there will finally be room at the foot of our bed for Arthur’s cot-bed. It arrived yesterday. It’s beeeautiful. And the little bed-ends for the junior bed are so cute!! *I* want to sleep in it!! Here are two (promotional, from Kiddicare where I got it) photos of it, as a cot and as a cot-bed:

I like his bed :) But I don’t like that I am running out of time to snuggle and nurse at night without him really having to move or wake. I feel sad that he will only ever really nurse in my arms before being “put down” to sleep. I know it’s okay to do that, but for ME and for Arthur, it just feels so…. against what feels natural and right for us. I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right inside somehow. I can’t bear it if he hates it. I already do. I have been reading The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears, which I bought along with the rest of his parenting library when I was pregnant. I wondered about whether I should be doing anything in response to Arthur’s latest activities when he’s hyper and being held or lying next to me to nurse. He is so vigorous with his arms and legs now. He grabs handfuls of whatever he finds them on and scrunches vigorously! That hurts if it’s my neck or my nipple (owwwwww) or my hair when he pulls after the scrunching. He also likes to pat things, but lately his vigour means that he is more whacking than patting! At the moment I take his hand and remove it from whatever he is scrunching painfully (!), and tell him not to do that because it hurts Mummy. Or I say, “Be gentle with Mummy” or something like that. Obviously he has no concept of these things just yet, so I wondered if you are meant to do anything or not at this early stage. So that book is great. Discipline apparently starts from birth, and they call the first stage of discipline, building up a foundation of close attachment and trust with your child. I love that. Of course one of the things they recommend is co-sleeping for how it is natural and attachment-enhancing. That makes me wish I could just keep going with the co-sleeping. Because their philosophy on attachment parenting is absolutely the same as my own, and it’s exactly how I wanted to parent my children. I always planned to co-sleep with all my children till they are ready to move to their own beds, whether that takes months or years. I had envisaged co-sleeping with Arthur for years, Julie, rather than months, even if that meant more than one child in the bed at a time. Of course then we would need to lay like 3 mattresses together on the floor as our bed, but hey ho! Michelle, we soooo need to exchange numbers and advice/woes, etc, like you suggested! Must email you. Thanks for the supportive words about the co-sleeping thing :)

Anyway. I love his new beddie. But I hate that he has to start sleeping in it. Pfffthth.

Oh, my brain just fell out. My head is empty now and I can’t think of another word to write, so I think I will stop and go to bed. It’s midnight again (paused for dinner earlier). I am soooo dumb. Dumbular. Dumbacious. Dumbtasticulationary. Making up words is fun :) I’m going to bed. After I search on the carpet on my hands and knees for my brain. Night night.

Pear. And feelings. About Cameron.

Thank you so much for the lovely guestbook messages :) You guys are so nice to me.

It's late again. I have so so so soooo much that I am aching to write. My head feels so thick with it all and I feel heavy in general today. I am so tired. Arthur isn't himself at the moment, I'm not sure why. He is teething but not more so than normal, and he hasn't been like this before. Tiredness, then? Maybe. But he's been tireder before and not been like this. He doesn't seem to be unwell. I think he is having another growth spurt though. He is nursing like CRAZY. Happy to feed hungrily every hour or so during the day, or basically whenever I offer, even if that's half an hour after the last time. He has been "asking" me for milk a lot today and yesterday too. No, he doesn't sign yet, but he is doing a lot of rooting on whatever part of me he finds near his mouth (!), or turning his face into my chest purposefully, or - a new thing - fixing me with a very specific gaze while simultaneously ramming his fist into his mouth! It just made me wonder if he was hungry, and sure enough, he was! And he has been every time he's done that too.

Sooo he's growing. But surely he has been in a permanent growth spurt for like THREE MONTHS now?!!! It's mad. I am definitely planning to take him to that drop-in baby clinic tomorrow morning to get him weighed. Neil says Arthur's chest circumference has grown hugely in the last week. He can tell when he holds him in the bath. Mind you, over the last few days he has started to do full push-ups most of the time that he is on his tummy. He puts his arms right below his shoulders and pushes up on his hands until his arms are totally straight. That means only his hips are in contact with the floor, not his tummy! Strong boy! This evening I was giving him his bedtime massage on his back and he was being super wiggly, and he was up on his arms when he suddenly made this super-human effort and got up on his knees too!!! Only for a second, but still. It can't be long now before he's up and away on those hands and knees!

Our new entertainment unit arrived, so we can finish babyproofing the living room when we put it in place.

Oh yes, the sleep. Last night Arthur woke (I am not kidding) every fifteen minutes (or 20 sometimes) from 9.30 onwards. He had one stretch of 90 minutes. The rest was awful. Maybe it's the growing thing? We are so tired today. He only napped 20 minutes this morning but in the end I took him out despite his tiredness and did the shopping with him sitting in the trolley, and took that book back to Gordon and Katie. He was asleep in the car by the time we got home, and for the first time, he didn't wake when I transferred him from his car seat all the way up to bed! He did wake and stir and need resettling several times over the next hour, but then suddenly slept for a further 2 hours without waking once!!!! I was amazed. I think he was just so tired though.

Anyway. Tired. He has woken 5 times so far this evening and I am dreading the night. I feel depressed tonight. I wanted so much to offload a bit here about some things, to help me feel lighter before bed, but I just don't have time or energy. Plus Arthur is awake and fussing again. Neil is in there with him so he will rock him back to sleep (I just nursed him to sleep 15 minutes ago) but this typing is probably filtering through to the bedroom and maybe I should stop.

My head feels so jumbled. Nothing in it makes sense. If I really typed words and thoughts as they appeared in my head, a paragraph of it might look like this:

Yesterday dog sounds father likely. Feather snipe questioning red Gertrude, over creed by salmon hiking. Honesty bright shower tightrope knitted she? Moose.

Yup. I feel that crazy. Words. Why are my heads so full of words? Oh dear, I said heads. Alice, you only have one head dear. There, there.

*sigh*

It isn't just the tiredness. I think. It's the amount of I-don't-actually-know-what that has been building up in my head. It's like a pressure cooker. Bang.

I finally decided co-sleeping isn't working for us. I can't believe I even wrote that. I am waiting for somebody, anybody, to tell me that of COURSE it can work for us, and here's how! But yeah. We ordered Arthur a cot-bed (since he's so big, he could use the space over a normal sized cot!), and a mattress and fitted sheets, from Kiddicare.com. Can't be bothered to do the link to them. I feel deflated like a balloon that has been punctured and will never hold air again. Ever. One with a slow steady leak. Arthur won't mind where he sleeps, I know that. He is so easy-going, and that is good because I don't think he will be upset at moving out of our bed. I do think he will be upset when I try to help him learn to sleep by himself. And nooo I have no intention of letting him cry-it-out. I would never even contemplate it. But I think I am going to have to try the put him down, he fusses, pick him up till he settles, put him down, he cries, pick him up till he's okay again, put him down again thing. I don't even want to. But I see my diaryland friends doing this and getting amazing results, and I want Arthur to have the benefit of good refreshing sleep and the ability to do it by himself if he awakens by mistake. Also I am going crazy crazy crazy with lack of sleep, as is probably obvious to all by now! Things have got to change.

My head is a mess.

I have been needing to write about things that have been bugging me for a while, that have nothing to do with Arthur (for once!). I almost feel odd about doing so in a diaryland diary now, because for SO long I have been writing only pregnancy/Arthur related things, and it's weird to write personal-to-me stuff again. Also I have new readers since I used to write like that. So yeah.

This last month or so, I have been noticing (though I tried to squish and ignore it at first) an increasing sense of missing Cameron. Lots of you guys won't know about Cameron, I am guessing. Bleh. Let me see, how to explain the quickest and easiest way? Okay, this is an entry I wrote in January 2001 (so long ago now!) to explain my relationship with him when I first started a diary here. There's more detail near the end of this entry too. And basically if you read my sheepdip diary any entry from September 24th 2003, there will be a lot about him and my feelings for him, because that's the day he died. Here are photos of Cam. And here are ancient entries from paper diaries that I wrote more than a decade ago when I was spending all my time with him.

There. Some of you were reading (and supporting) me then, so you'll know.

But just lately I miss him so much. Why is that? It has been over a year and a half now since he died. I have been doing fine, especially in the past year, during my pregnancy and since Arthur was born. I think of him often and sometimes I have times where it hurts to think of him. But just lately it seems a bit unsettling. I feel empty again with the loss. I feel angry again that he isn't here, and that the memories of his eyes shining at me or the sound of his laugh or just exactly how he looked is starting to feel like looking at an old old photograph, that is faded and starting to curl. That makes me want to cry.

There seems to be a whole different sense of loss when someone has been gone long enough for them to feel like they belonged in a different time to the time that we are living in now. I ache that Cam is gone. I hate it. I hurt.

Something else that has been bothering me about it. I keep finding myself on the verge of calling Arthur, Cameron. Sometimes it's just a thought in my head, like I think, "Oh I need to get Cameron's nappy ready" and then I stop suddenly and realise that I meant Arthur, not Cameron. I am beginning to lose count of the amount of times in the last few weeks that I almost said Cameron when I actually spoke to say Arthur. I haven't actually done it yet, but something in me feels almost panicky that I will make that slip. Somehow it feels like something scary that I absolutely mustn't let myself do. I don't know why. For any of this. I don't understand why, and why now.

I haven't been to the cemetery in a long long time. Lately I have felt like I want to again, but the thought is so empty and unhappy. I used to go feeling a sense of connection in some way to Cam. Now I know all I will feel is emptiness when I stand at his grave. I used to talk to him there. Now what is there to say? Is there even any point? While we were in France my granny said to me that they often remember how cute Cam was on the dance floor at my wedding reception - he danced ALL night and never stopped. He loved to dance, and he loved to be involved with whatever I was doing. I'm so glad we have it on video, but I find it hard to watch. I have only watched the wedding video once since he died, and that was hard hard hard. I am not finding that sweet side of the bitterness yet, and I thought I ought to be by now. Anyway, when Granny suddenly mentioned Cam like that, I was surprised to feel how much it HURT to talk of him, and to remember him, even a nice memory that should be making me smile and think back fondly by now.

I love Arthur, nothing about this has any effect on how much I love my little boy. But in my heart I already HAD a little boy, and he isn't here anymore, and somehow it is still hurting me.

Ah I know I will be all better again soon. I have been doing so much better in the last year like I said. But right now it's just raw. I miss my Cam. I hate to forget just exactly how his face looked. I hate that. Hate. It makes me angry and sad and frustrated and full of grief all over again.

There. Now that is off my chest. I needed to write about that for the longest time.

I have to go to bed. It is nearly midnight and I'm so tired out. Arthur looks likely to have another disturbed night so I had better get my sleep while I can. I need to change the subject briefly before closing though, so I feel happier for going to bed.

Oh I took some advice from you guys (gasp! hehe!) and bought organic pears today, and cooked and pureed one to perfection! I used the cooking water to thin it enough, and then I sat Arthur in the high chair to feed it to him. There was lots more than he could eat, but I couldn't make less than one pear's worth could I?! It wasn't about how much he would take anyway. I just wanted to see if he liked it and let him try something new.

Unfortunately he just does NOT seem to like anything about solids! This is what he thought of pear:

Hehehe, bless him! I couldn't help but chuckle at the funny faces he made! He seemed to hate it completely, just the same as when he had the carrot (admittedly badly presented) and the baby rice with breastmilk. Oh well. We'll see how we go. I am in no rush, and I know he isn't so that's okay. He gets perlenty from my milk so all is well. I will see just how much when he is weighed tomorrow! :)

I feel like apologising for this entry, but I know I don't need to. I just feel... odd today. It hurts to nurse at the moment. I feel all bruised and sore. I have a ton of EWCM again. I think maybe I am ovulating, and that could account for the soreness, and maybe contribute to the unhappy moods? I don't know. I hope they go soon. I wish I had lots of sleep. I wish Cam was alive. I AM however, eternally thankful for my precious baby boy. I am scared stiff to lose him. Like I can't explain. Maybe that is part of my mood with missing Cameron and remembering that I lost him? I don't know. Urgh, I said I was going to change the darn subject. I am going to bed. I'll let you know what my sweetie weighs :)

France! And things.

We’re back from France! I feel like I need to write a separate entry for all the different things I’m feeling and wanting to write about. There are too many for one entry. Plus it would be waaaay too long. Maybe I will do that? Maybe I should just write the longest ever entry and provide a table of contents to help anyone who is reading it?!! Okay, I guess this was the introduction. Here’s a summary of the entry-to-come (presuming I ever get time to write it all!):

Contents

1. Response to guestbook messages
2. Stuff about France
3. Photos of aforementioned trip to France!
4. Sleep and other Arthur-related stuff
5. Thoughts on how I suck at motherhood lately (nooo don’t roll your eyes like that – read why before you go to stand up for me)
6. Thoughts and feelings on some totally non-Arthur stuff that has been on my mind for a while now
7. Bits of usual flotsam that normally end up in my entries
8. “Conclusion” or “Oops I’ve run out of time, back soon!”
9. Closing photo of my gorgeous boy from today :)

Okay. There you have it. That’s what I need to write about, and I feel like being long-winded in all those chapters. So there. Be warned! ;) But I am writing this in Word because Arthur is napping and is sure to wake lonnng before I finish it all, and in any case, it’s going to take me hours to write all this stuff. Hours. Ah but he’s awake right now as it happens. So I will START (!!) this entry another time. Later, I hope.

I’m back, but it’s 9.40pm and Neil is going to bed. I should too, but I really wanted to write here for a while. Otherwise there will just be toooo much in my head and it might explode. Plus there is just so much to write about – if I don’t write it soon, more stuff will happen in the meantime and I’ll just NEVER catch up! The problem is that I want to write about all the things on my list at once, and not just write about the first couple of points tonight and make another entry about the rest another time. I feel like writing about ALL of it tonight. But I don’t have time or energy. Tsk.

Urgh, the first point – guestbook messages. Thank you to the people who left supportive messages and well wishes for our trip to France. Alamelu, thanks for tip about not responding when I get provoked by guestbook messages. I do see your point. But I can’t not respond if people offend me. It just doesn’t sit right. Also if they need educating about something then I want to educate them. It bugs me to have them sitting there all ignorant and irritating in my guestbook, heh ;) Poppy, what odd ideas you have! Um, there is NO way that not shovelling solid foods into my 6-month-and-1-week-old’s mouth right NOW will risk restricting his social and emotional development. Also, when to wean my baby is definitely something a mother CAN know best about. I would have to be feeding him only GREEN food in order to make him have a better chance at avoiding teenage acne to be wacky enough to risk him like you suggest. Honestly. And that’s the end of that. And, “my” Poppy, I knew it wasn’t you! But thank you for confirming it! xxx

Woohoo, part one over with! :) Part two – France!!! We had a nice time. The journey on Saturday was uneventful – phew!! We got up at 5.30am and got to the airport nice and early. Arthur had the BEST time on the buses that took us from the car park to the terminal. He just loves bus trips!! He stands on my lap facing ahead down the bus and gasps and makes loud “Ooooh!” noises with excitement! It’s so cute. People look, of course. He tried to get lots of different people’s attention too, which was interesting. He looks straight at the person he’s trying to attract, and after a while if they haven’t returned his gaze, he says (pointedly), “Oooh!” to them! Then he pauses, still staring bug-eyed at them waiting for a response. Then when there’s nothing (can you believe they still haven’t responded to such a cutie?!), he tries, “Uuuuh!” Nowt. He throws a few gasps of anticipation their way, but nothing. Poor Boo. He is learning that not everyone is interested in smiling at him, like he wants to smile at them. If they would only look up at him, he instantly beams at them with his whole face and eyes and everything. If they smile back, they get bigger beams and a few happy bounces. It seems so sad that he wants so much to give people such lovely parts of himself and they knock him back like that! When he gives up, he always looks at them with a kind of sad face before looking away at something else, almost as though he doesn’t understand. I always want to gently throttle the offending person and point out that I have a cutie boy who is trying to get their attention, and would they please mind giving him some so that he can bless their day with a smile! Tsk. Protective mama :)

Anyway, Arthur loved the trip. He was as good as gold the whole time. As soon as the plane started rolling down the runway, I whipped a breast out (!) and Arthur nursed readily, lying across my lap. He was overdue for a nap and he had been so excited and stimulated all round the airport, so he was asleep before we were even up in the air! I guess the noise of the engines helped too. He slept till the bump of landing in France woke him up! I’m so glad, because it totally does away with worrying about his ears popping or hurting him. If he doesn’t even know we’ve been up and come down then he’s okay. Which is great! Plus he gets an hour of sleep, since that’s how long the flight is. I think it must be the noise that helps him rest. Weirdly. But you know, white noise and all that. Then my daddy was there to pick us up and Arthur nodded off for maybe 20 minutes in the car on the way back to the house. Of course everyone was so pleased to see him when we arrived! It was so nice to be there. Soooo nice.

Arthur has loved being with family! He had a great time, and seems to have learnt a lot about communicating and interacting while we’ve been there. I think it must be from watching lots of different people talking and interacting, especially at meal times. He sat in a travel highchair bolted to the end of the long table in the kitchen, absolutely transfixed by what was happening before him! He watched us eat and talk and laugh and play with him, and it was almost too much to take in sometimes! He just sat for ages with his eyes bugging out and his jaw dropped, his expression unchanging, just agog at the fascination of the Family Meal! Here he is in his chair watching us:

A lot of the time he played with his beads or a toy in front of him, or chewed on the strap from the harness that held him in the seat, and sometimes he talked at us using many cute expressions and multi-syllable words at varying volumes! But mostly he just sat, motionless, like the photo above shows him! People were mostly more interested in Arthur than in eating too :) He is just irresistible! He seemed to enjoy all the attention. One of the cutest things was that the place we put his highchair meant that he was at the head of the long table, which seemed very fitting for the centre of attention that he was! Here we all are (except me, taking the photo) at breakfast on Monday morning, with Arthur heading the family, hehe! That’s my dad and his parents (the diamond wedding anniversary pair!), my brother and his lovely girlie, my mummy, and Neil. And Arthur, of course!

I like that photo :) You see what I mean about him being the centre of attention?! Everyone is looking at him instead of their food!!

Arthur got lots of cuddles and was held by lots of different family members, which he enjoyed. He liked to look round now and then to see that I was still there though :) Everyone was saying how heavy he is! Nobody could hold him for long, because he made their arms ache. I need to get him weighed again, because Neil and I feel AGAIN like he has suddenly become heavier over the course of just a few days, which is surely craaazy?!! I think I will take him to the drop-in baby clinic on Friday and get him weighed. I think he must be over 20lbs now. If he could sit well for long periods without support then he would now be able to sit forward facing in his car seat – I phoned them a while back and they said he would have to satisfy both criteria (sitting and weighing 9kg) to sit facing forwards safely. He isn’t there on the sitting yet. It is SO hard to get him in the car seat facing rearwards. He is so heavy and doesn’t support himself well so it’s hard to lift him in over the side of the seat. My back hurts when I twist to do it, so I’ll be glad when he’s safe to face forwards.

Anyway, Arthur enjoyed his time in France! Here he is with his daddy, chewing his bug toy. We took soooo many toys this time! We did end up using most of them though. He is such a busy boy with his toys :)

Poor Arthur did have a bad bout of teething while we were there though. The worst one I have known him to have so far :( He has been teething again for a week or two, but it was getting worse the day or so before we went to France. The evenings were the worst, and he got very red and puffy in his face. The powder didn’t seem to work, and we gave him Calpol one evening when it was really bad, but I don’t know how much that worked either. He woke soon after settling down for the evening, and I knew things were different because he started really crying straight away as soon as he woke, which isn’t like him at all. He rarely cries about anything really, and certainly not immediately on waking. He kept his eyes closed the whole time, and cried real tears and sobbed, and when he was sobbing he moved his bottom jaw up and down and wailed, “Oh-woah-woah-woaaah!” over and over, the poor little love. So we knew his gums must be hurting him terribly. He also wouldn’t take Neil holding him, even though Neil is often the one to rock him to sleep at night, so he is used to that. He cried so hard that he started to cough and gasp with the sobbing, until I took him and then he was quiet except for the sobs. Poor poor baby. Last time he was teething badly he would only have me, so it must have been another bad bout for him. I nursed him a lot when he was like that, and that was the only thing that would console him enough for him to sleep again. His poor gums felt odd-shaped and hot like fire when I was nursing him. It breaks my heart to hear him cry like that. I just want to supernaturally make everything instantly better when I hear him, but I can’t. I can only do what I can do, and sometimes that’s enough and other times it’s painfully not so. I wish I could make it so that he never has to hurt. Ever. It’s too hard to see him hurting.

We were fully expecting to see a tooth the next morning, but nope! I even felt his gums as son as we woke, but they are still blunt and toothless! He seems a lot better now, although he is still biting hard on everything and drooling like crazy, and he sometimes seems to have teething pain so we give him some powder. But no tooth. My mummy looked in her record book from when I was a baby, and it says my first tooth came through when I was 6 and a half months old. So maybe not quite yet, for Arthur? Soon though, I hope. Surely soon?! I hate that he might have to go through another painful episode like this last one to get it, which is why I was hoping this time would do it. But oh well. It won’t be much longer, I’m sure.

Arthur slept much better while we were in France. I am trying to figure out why! He slept in his travel cot for daytime naps and during the evening while we all ate dinner, and he slept with us at night. We didn’t have enough space in the double bed (we’re used to a kingsize at home) so we overflowed onto the airbed on the floor next to the bed. For the travel cot naps, Arthur was in a big room by the piano, with all the curtains closed. It was far enough away from the kitchen so that he wouldn’t be woken by lots of mealtime chatter and laughter, and clashing of pans, etc, but close enough so that we would hear him as soon as he stirred or cried, and go to him straight away to nurse or settle him. He probably had more noise around him than he is used to at home, for those naps. But he slept well. He slept all evening without waking until we woke him to take him up to bed, except that time when he was teething badly. That’s three or four hours without a break. At night he had a bad night with the teething, but otherwise he slept great! He went to sleep well, so long as we hadn’t kept him awake too long whilst getting ready for bed when we brought him up from the travel cot. He couldn’t have slept in the bedroom during the evening because the house is enormous and it would have been way out of earshot. Waaay out. And the walls are too thick for a baby monitor to work. Anyway, he basically woke once between midnight-ish and 7 or 8am!!! He would wake around 4ish, and nurse, and be back to sleep quickly and easily. It was great! A couple of nights I must have had 6 or 7 hours sleep in total! Maybe even a tiny bit more!! Weirdly, that seemed to leave me more tired than ever. But oh well. I wish I knew what the difference was. We were still co-sleeping. Nothing else had changed. The only things I could think of were that he had more stimulation in the day with all the people and new things to see, and that the bedroom was pitch black dark because there are French shutters on the windows and the velux window has a blackout blind on it. This meant that the bedroom stayed dark till we opened the shutters or the blind in the morning. I thought we would have trouble with seeing to feed Arthur in the night, but that’s where I discovered what a pro he has become (and me too I suppose!) at night nursing! I undo my bra and move in his general direction, and a little mouth finds me and is latched on and sucking before I even settle down properly on my side! He is super fast at latching these days :) He doesn’t even open his eyes.

Anyway. I think the darkness helped a lot. He does wake ultra early at home now that it gets light so early, and it’s hard to get him back to sleep after that. I have bought some curtains from eBay and I’m working on taking them up at the moment. They are lined and much thicker than our current bedroom curtains. But those still won’t work like the bedroom in France. It needs to be TOTALLY dark, I think. We need to buy some blackout stuff. And stop having a lamp on downstairs to throw some light up the stairs in case we need to see in the night. We don’t. Except to change his nappy, but I *think* I have found the solution at last! One of my homemade terry/fleece stuffable nappies, stuffed with three MoE microfibre inserts (not hemp after all), and a large hemp prefold sandwiched between the nappy and a toddler sized Stacinator So-Simple or Motherease Airflow wrap! He went 8 hours with no sign of a leak the other night! Yay! We are going to test it out on a full 12-hour night tomorrow. Here’s hoping.

You know, I think I am going to skip points 5, 6 and 7, and go straight to point 8: “Oops, I’ve run out of time!”!! I have things I need to get off my chest, but those are probably best left for a separate entry anyway. I don’t want to leave it too long because some of them are driving me crazy. And on my mind a lot. And stuff. I need to write about them. But point 5 – crappy mummyness – urgh. I just feel like I’m not doing a good job today. Arthur fell backwards when sitting (he sits so well!) and I didn’t catch him in time so his head hit the floor :( Carpeted, though. He had no redness or bump, but I know the shock of a jolt like that must have upset him a lot. He cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. My poor baby. I feel bad about that. I should have had him surrounded by appropriate support, like his ring (which incidentally he doesn’t really like) or cushions or that big maternity pillow. Poor boy. Bad mummy. And also. I just feel again like other mummies are getting it sorted while I’m floundering about still. Arthur napped so so so badly today. Just 20 minutes here and 30 minutes there. He spent THE WHOLE DAY rubbing his eyes and whining, which is so unlike him. He needed a lovely long nap or two. He depends on me to help him. I didn’t provide it. I just didn’t know what I was doing. And I was too tired to help him. Crappy mummy.

I went to bed last night after we got home from France, at 6.50pm!!! I was so tired out that I felt sick and weak. I don’t think I ever went to bed that early since I was little myself! Arthur was particularly wakeful last night, and I was nursing him on and off a lot. He did have some stretches of sleep, but also some clusters of stirring and fussing a LOT. I worked out that I stayed in bed over 12 hours over that night! But I felt so exhausted during the morning that I felt yucky and dizzy, and didn’t have the strength to hold Arthur as much as I wanted to, and I wasn’t able to go out and get food supplies because I just felt so knackered. Urgh. Why does MORE sleep make me feel like I have had the worst night of sleep EVER?!! Crazy.

But this is why I MUST go to bed now!! It’s 11.15pm. I’m so dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. And at the moment not doing so wonderfully at this mummyness thing. I hope tomorrow will be better. I need to get food shopping. And take a book back to Gordon and Katie. And pick up a package from the post office. And um. I’ll be back again soon.

Oh but here is His Cuteness today, wearing such a sweet expression! He was on the sofa with Monkey and his latest favourite, the little red doggie. He likes to hold him delicately with his fingers, and fiddle with his laundry tab :) He came with one of his new summer-weight grobags which arrived just before we left for France. Yay for Grobags :) He can't kick them off and he looks gorgeous in them! Anyway, photo. I'll write again soon.

Travel pftthththtthth

Well, we're still here! Slightly nightmare day. We missed the flight, oh man!

We had to get up at 5am, but Arthur woke to be nursed around 4.30 so I was awake anyway. He wouldn't go back to sleep once we were up and active, which is hardly surprising as he finds everything so interesting and distracting these days! We were supposed to leave at 6.30 for the airport, but urgh I can't remember what happened but we had a billion things still to do and didn't leave till 6.50am. The roads were okay. A couple of traffic spots on the M25. Then we got to the airport parking place and realised we were running kind of late. Neil got the bags out of the car and I got Arthur out of the carseat, only to discover he had done the world's biggest poo (ever) which had gone right through his nappy, vest, and trousers - ewww! So we had to change him on the back seat of the car, and it took AGES because we didn't have extra clothes to hand and the poo was just evvvverywhere. And we forgot the yucky smelly vile baby wipes that we use when we're travelling (the non-cloth ones). Bleurgh. So out came the cloth wipes and we wet them from a bottle of water that we had in the car. It was all just so disorganised! Arthur seemed extremely cheerful about it all though! Then we missed the first bus to take us to the airport terminal. Once we were on the next one, we realised that there was no way we'd make it before the check-in desk closed (40 mins before the flight). It was 40 minutes before the flight on the bus :(

When we got to the terminal, Neil handled the bags and I hugged Arthur to my front, diagonally across so that his whole body could be in contact with mind, cradled his head under my arm and RAN with him down the length of the terminal (this boy weighs at least 20lbs now!!!) to see if we could just make it to the check in desk. I was pretty proud that I could run like that with my hefty boy clutched to my front! He seemed to enjoy the ride :) Of course I arrived completely breathless to find a closed desk and a lady with a walkie-talkie who talked into it for me and confirmed that there would be no boarding of late passengers for our flight :( We were THREE minutes late. Three. How much does that suck?! But oh well, what could we do. I could have cried, and in fact I nearly did, but I couldn't see Neil anywhere so I had to go and look for him, and that kept me busy.

We then spent over an hour in the airport terminal (oh joy) because first we were sent to the ticket sales desk to see if we could board a flight to somewhere else in France that would be near enough to our destination. But there wasn't another one near enough for my parents to pick us up at the other end. The next flight to where we are going isn't till tomorrow. Then I needed to call my parents to let them know, so they didn't leave for the airport to collect us! I used FIVE POUNDS on the stupid darn grimy un-private payphones. First I realised I didn't have my parents' phone number with me and I have it on speed dial at home so I hadn't memorised it! Aaargh! So the only people I know who have their number are other members of my family, all of whom were making their way to where we were meant to be going, and they wouldn't be home to call. I don't know their mobile numbers. Finally I called directory inquiries to get the number of my dad's company because I knew they would be able to tell me his number in France (they call there on a regular basis, since my parents still run the company from a distance). They were engaged for 30 minutes. Thirty minutes of me dialling repeatedly and getting progressively more and more piddled off at the engaged tone and the general situation. Yeurgh.

FINALLY I figured I could call the international operator and try to get my parents' number in France. It cost soooo much money!! The first time I phoned them, the conversation only got as far as, "Which country please?" - "France." - and then, click, I was cut off because that's how long A POUND lasted on that particular call!!! I was so mad. About £50,000 later I finally had my parents' number, so I called them and Mummy answered, and I said we missed the flight, and she said Daddy had already left to pick us up :( :( I felt so bad. Poor Daddy. It's an hour's drive to the airport for him. And he forgot his mobile so we couldn't let him know.

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Arthur, meanwhile, was the picture of perfection! He was tired and hungry (FIVE hour gap since his last feed because of all the palava, ugh), and being carted round without having any attention, probably fully aware how tense Mummy and Daddy were, but he never made one peep or even squirmed in our arms the whole time. I think he was so interested in all the people everywhere, but even so, he was just sooooo good. I was so proud of him.

In the end we got the bus back to the parking place and I nursed him in the car. He was pleased to have milk! But he didn't nurse well because everything was too interesting. He normally nurses for naps or in a quiet familiar room, because he is too distracted otherwise, so it was hard for him to nurse with any focus for long. Milk went everywhere, because he kept popping off and turning his head this way and that to see what was what!

I was so upset to miss the flight. It's a special weekend and I thought maybe we would not be able to go at all. I didn't think there would be any flights available over the weekend. We considered driving and going on a ferry, or getting the train down to France later today. But urgh, even the thought was just too tiring.

Arthur slept all the way home (90 minutes). We hit some traffic. When we got home, I phoned my parents again. After some researching, the long and short of it is that we have booked a flight to leave tomorrow (yay!) at the same time as today's attempt (early, urgh). This time we will leave PLENTY of time!!! And go to bed in like half an hour from now (it's 8pm). Neil called his work and explained, and asked if he might take Tuesday off as well as Monday, so that we could have time to catch our breath before turning around and flying home again! They were really nice and said yes, so I called the airline and changed our return flight to Tuesday :) Then we let my parents know, and they were really pleased. So it's okay. Phew! We leave tomorrow.

Neil and I have both been totally exhausted this afternoon and have had headaches. Arthur is teething pretty badly today and keeps pressing and rubbing on his ears (which are all red) and crying. It's not like him to even cry at all, so we know he's a poor boy. When I nurse him, his gums are like a hot ring of fire on my breast. Poor baby. We gave him teething powder a lot today, and he smiles just when he SEES the packet, so I'm glad it's helping him. He didn't nap well this afternoon, and Neil was wonderful and took him out for a while so I could sleep, as my headache wouldn't shift. I slept a couple of hours and felt better, if a little groggy, for the nap.

Arthur had a bath with Daddy and then I did the normal change for bed/massage with talc thingy that we do, and he had a gooood feed in bed and then was out for the count! We have never known him to go to sleep so well. I'm glad he had such a great feed too. After all this distracted feeding with huge gaps today, my breasts were like rocks at bedtime! I'm glad he drained them both before sleeping! :)

He is still asleep and dinner will be ready soon (wonderful Neil again), so I will finish this for now. Just wanted to write about the day. I will probably not get the chance to update while we're in France as there will be family family everywhere and I love spending time with EACH of them so I will use all my time for that instead of going on the computer.

I had meant to respond to lots of the advice (thank you all!) left in my guestbook about the solids thing, but no time really. I had basically meant to state what we were doing and not leave it open for discussion (this is a rather blunt way of saying it, sorry!), because I have no qualms about my decision to delay introducing solids to Arthur. Everyone has different experience and stories to tell, and I appreciate that, but I feel strongly that this is the RIGHT thing for Arthur at this time. I also feel that for me it is RIGHT to avoid telling my health visitor about this right now, because her opinion of weaning doesn't appear to be based on recent (totally valid) research, so she *will* think I'm doing the wrong thing. And she won't be right about that. I don't need the pressure of that so I know it is best to avoid that situation by not telling her.

If I had more time I would go into a LOT more detail (be thankful, haha!) about the reasons I am confident about my decision, and why I am not worried about some of the concerns people have raised. But I can leave this link to a page at Kellymom.com about whether a baby is ready for solids - in particular it takes apart (or gives relevant research to disprove, etc) various myths about weaning issues, like if you don't start solids by a certain age it will get harder (not true for healthy babies - Sarah, I guess your baby's illness is what makes him different here?), the baby having reached a magic weight, babies will sleep better if started on solids, etc. Great page. I feel such a sense of relief after reading it. And also this one - from AskDrSears.com - a question that asks if an exclusively breastfed EIGHT month old needs solids.

Anyway so I am happy with it all. Nothing will change that. I don't believe it's necessary to Arthur's wellbeing to give him solid food yet. So that is that :)

And my dinner is ready so I have to go. I hope tomorrow is less eventful! Have a good weekend everyone :)

Here we are, full time!! Solids and stuff...

I’m here!! Ooh a new diary. I miss the old one :( But hey ho. It’s hardly any different really. You’re all still here, and I like the colours and the picture of Arthur :) So I am sure I’ll get used to it.

I have about 0.2 seconds to actually type anything, since Arthur is getting bored already watching me on the computer. He is playing with his musical bug thing but it’s getting old. We need to go out now and buy more teething powder. He is teething again (hurry UP tooth!) and we ran out of the nice nice powder yesterday. It does seem to help him, and he always opens his mouth for it and sticks his tongue out for me to put the powder on if he needs it! It’s so sweet. He keeps his mouth closed if he doesn’t need it and I offer it to him. Clever boy :)

Well. What to write? We are going away tomorrow for a long weekend – I didn’t get chance to write about this in my pregnancy/Arthur diary because I don’t know why. Time got away from me, or else the subject slipped my mind when I was updating. But anyway, I think I said here a couple of entries back, my grandparents are celebrating their diamond wedding anniversary and we are all (my entire family of 9 people!) going to stay at my parents’ house in France to celebrate together :) That sounds so nice. I am looking forward to it, but urghhh we are so tired and the journey doesn’t thrill me. It’s such a quick flight, but the weather is going to be rubbish tomorrow. And the stupid darn flight leaves at 9.45am. With check in, parking and driving there, we have to get up around 5am. Bleurgh. Sooooo not looking forward to that.

I posted an entry just before this one with all the links to Arthur’s video clips. They are all in my pregnancy journal but they ought to be here as well.

Ooooooh!!! Arthur is obviously trying to get my attention, because he just did a NEW thing while I was typing!! He has always rolled from back to tummy, and only rolled from tummy to back like two or three times since 4 months old, and those seemed by mistake. He gets frustrated on his tummy because he tires himself out and can’t roll onto his back. But just now he rolled from his tummy to his back!!! I had to stop and clap and say “Yaaaaaay!” and stuff :) Then after finishing his minute-long beaming smile (!!) he rolled back onto his tummy again, and IMMEDIATELY rolled back onto his back!!! Now he’s like a little roly-poly thing as I type this – tummy, back, tummy, back! But only one way though. Yay for Arthur getting more roly :)

I am baking another bran loaf. It was that good :) I’m taking it to France for my family to marvel at.

Arthur has forgotten how he rolled now and is fussing on his tummy. I had better go and rescue him, and buy those teething powders. His cheeks are all puffy and red. I wish that first tooth would get a move on! I am fully expecting it before the end of this month, given that it is his 7th month and that’s when Neil and I got our first teeth. C’mon toothie!!

Ohh no wait, I can’t stop yet – I have to tell you briefly about solids. We’re quitting them. Arthur had rice cereal and breastmilk on day two and sincerely disliked it! He spent most of the time giving me a very odd look, a very weird grimace and tucking his chin onto his chest to avoid me! So I chucked it away. I tasted it myself, and yuck oh yuck, I don’t blame him for not liking the stuff! It’s so bland and blah. So I researched (for hours) online that night and decided to skip the rice and try him on a veg or fruit. I had planned to start him on carrot first so I just did that yesterday. I actually finally decided to try the “baby-led weaning” idea (breathe a sigh of relief Meg! ;) ) and just give him a very soft mushy whole carrot to hold, and see what he did with it. But I boiled the proverbials off a carrot for like 25 minutes and STILL it wasn’t soft. So I gave up (Arthur getting cranky in highchair) and mashed it. Not-entirely-soft carrot doesn’t mash well, I have discovered. I tried pureeing it but it was too tiny an amount for the blades to reach it! So I added a few well-directed squirts of breastmilk and mashed for dear life till it was reasonably smooth. Arthur was interested in the first taste, but mostly he was interested in the novelty of the bowl and the spoon, etc, which actually I think he was doing with the rice feeds too. I don’t think it was the food that excited him after all. I fed him mostly from my finger-tip to make it seem more familiar to him.

He actually seemed kind of unhappy in the highchair – that’s the second time he’s been like that as I’ve put him in it since we first tried him on solids. He started to whine like he wasn’t happy, and you know Arthur is the MOST laid-back baby. He never cries or whines about anything, unless he is tired. He has never even cried about being hungry. Unless of course that’s because he never is! I nurse him lots :) But anyway, so that wasn’t so nice. He keeps giving me looks like he can’t believe I’m doing this to him when I put food to his lips! If some dares to actually enter his mouth, he holds it there on his tongue with the MOST disgusted look on his face, mouth open, hehe! But he does have a go at moving it around his mouth and eventually to the back where he struggles quite a bit to actually swallow it. Poor sausage. He isn’t enjoying solids at all, and I see no point in persevering at this stage. I tried him on rice cereal – easy to swallow as it’s just slop. I tried him on something more interesting and the experience of a slightly different texture. He really doesn’t like it, so solids are off the menu for a while. I haven’t decided how long yet, but I know my milk is still all he needs, and he is obviously thriving on it alone. He loves to nurse, and so do I, but we both find that eating solids makes us feel a bit like this:

That is a new face for Arthur, ever since starting solids. He actually looks more miserable with it normally than in that photo. He does it if I approach him with food or a spoon, and if some food is in his mouth then he makes that face basically the whole time. I don’t think it’s purely a taste thing either. The funniest thing though – when I finally gave up and dumped the carrot on his highchair tray for him to examine and play with a little, I went and fetched the camera to take some photos, and the INSTANT he saw it, he went all smiley and cover-boy!! Hehe! He really knows what the camera means now, and he does smile a lot for it, even if he had previously been a bit miffed with the situation. So these photos of him with the carrot LOOK like he’s having a whale of a time, but he really wasn’t before the camera appeared. Little poser ;) So here are some more photos of the last solids for a while :)

He did swallow some bits of carrot though, despite all that. Yesterday he had rice in his poo! Today it’s carrot-poo. One difference though is that he is pooing ALL the time!! Normal poo and all that, but like 4 big poos a day! It’s amazing. I don’t know where he was keeping it all before! He took very little actual food down though, so I don’t know why he’s suddenly pooing like crazy.

Anyway, I have spent FOUR HOURS researching extended breastfeeding and weaning to solids online, and I feel very confident that he absolutely does not need to be on solids yet. I can not recommend Kellymom.com highly enough. Seriously. It is so well-researched, and puts a lot of commonly believed myths to death. Yay! I don’t believe his iron levels will be a problem if I continue to exclusively breastfeed for a while longer. If it goes on for aaaages (like to 8 or 9 months, which I seriously doubt) then I can get his iron levels checked to be sure. But the research is not supporting the theory that babies get deficient in iron if not introduced to solids shortly after 6 months. Iron in breastmilk is less than in formula, but it’s MUCH more readily absorbed than any other source of iron. Anyway tons of stuff on that at Kellymom if anyone is interested. Great great site. However, I knooow my health visitor is likely to strongly disagree with my choice and site a ton of reasons that are disproved by the latest research, so I don’t plan on letting her know unless I happen to be seeing her and she asks me directly. Which I hope will not happen! ;)

Well I have to go. Arthur is now sitting in the ring (poo and nappy change occurred half way through writing this entry!) and starting to get bored with his confinement! Plus my bran loaf is smelling gooood, so I should probably check on it. And um. Oh but here’s a lovely photo of my large-nappied (!!) boy in an outfit I won at eBay last week. And his blue suede shoes (my absolute favourites on him at the mo!) and a new hat for the sunny weather. And a big smile as always :) Will write when I can, but possibly not till we’re home from France after the weekend.

Bran loaf. And other waffle.

Here I am again at this strange diary! I need to write here more, then it won't be so strange anymore. This is a continuation of my pregnancy journal and my general journal from before that. I like how one diary is getting both of those things combined. It is oddly relieving to feel that I can now waffle about absolutely nothing like I used to, and not be all interesting and stick to baby-related stuff! ;) Also that same feeling is kind of.... weird. I haven't let myself ramble on about sweet nothings for a long time. I do miss it though. I love a good waffle.

So what's new? Five days till Arthur is six months old and I change to this diary for all my Diarylanding. He is napping right now. Man it has been a big fight to get him to nap the whole day! He took a very broken hour this morning and it took TWO hours to get him to nap this afternoon (trust me, he was tired enough and showing me all his "I want to be ASLEEP!" signs), and then the first 40 minutes he woke five times, and now he has been sleeping an hour and a half. Phew. He may wake while I'm doing this though, so I'll just carry on as long as I can.

I am baking bran loaf at the moment. I haven't baked anything in about fifty million years, but BRAN loaf?!! Whatever possessed me?! I hate bran. My bowel hates bran. But a lady at the mother's fellowship group on Thursday was handing out slices of her homebaked bran loaf as Arthur and I arrived, and I couldn't exactly say, "Yuck! No thanks!", so I took one. It was... nice! Wow. So she was really pleased and wrote out the recipe for me on the spot, AND handed me a food bag containing a cup of bran! So now I have a cup of bran, and I got tired of staring at it lying sadly in its food bag on the counter. So now it is mixed with milk, sugar, raisins and flour and is baking in a loaf tin in the oven. I hope it turns out okay. I miss baking. It is so easy, but I just always feel like it's going to be a huge chore so I never get round to it.

I phoned Buckingham Palace this morning! Did you know that there is some sort of hoax message that people keep being left that tells them to ring a certain number, and it's Buckingham Palace? That's what it said on the message when I got through. But I was a legitimate caller! :) My grandparents celebrate their diamond (60th) wedding anniversary on May 12th - they were married in 1945, wow! If you are celebrating your 60th, 70th or subsequent wedding anniversary, or celebrating your 100th, 105th or subsequent birthday, a member of your family can apply to Buckingham Palace to have the Queen send you a congratulatory card. It used to be a telegram. But anyway. So my grandparents are obviously gagging for a card from the Queen! They phoned me a couple of weeks ago, politely begging me to apply on their behalf, hehe. So I have. And today the confirmation came in the post, completely getting their surname wrong (they used Grandoug's middle name instead of the surname - tsk), and omitting the fact that he is Dr. and not Mr. Which I know he would be miffed about. So I phoned the Palace to correct them.

Weird thing about that. I obviously have a oh-bum-the-word-I-want-just-left-my-brain mindset about the staff at Buckingham Palace. I just what-is-that-buggery-word?!-ly assumed that they would talk posh. But a lady picked up the phone (it wasn't HRH) and said, "Baackingum Palis?" like it was someone idly barking, "Castumur Survisiz!" at Tesco. Oooh that's what's-that-darn-word?! of me as well, isn't it.

Anyway I sorted it out. My grandparents will be very pleased :) We are all going to stay with my parents in their home in France from Friday 13th to Monday 16th May to celebrate. By "we all", I mean the grandparents (obviously), me, Neil and Arthur, and my brother and his lovely fiancee Sarah. That's all my family. I am looking forward to it.

Arthur's awake. Back another time!