Jabs, sleep, Mr. Men, and photos

Urrrrgh, darned AOL kept us offline for 2 days! I was going half CRAZY, haha! I am so addicted to the internet, even if I only have a moment here and there. Most of the time I couldn't get online, I wasn't actually able to spare time to go on anyway, but just the thought that I COULDN'T was bugging me! I heart the internet :)

Sooo I have about 5 minutes to start an update because the boys should be home any time soon. Neil has taken them into town to buy new shoes for Arthur. He can barely get his foot in the shoes he got after Matthew was born (!!) so I guess he must be a size 6 by now, or something? Those were a size 5, and his summer sandals were 4.5 so he's well out of those. It is CRAZY how fast he is growing at the moment! He has suddenly started to outgrow nappies that he's been in comfortably for months. He no longer fits size large Fuzzis and although he was occasionally wearing XL fuzzis at the same time as fitting the large size, they were kind of big on him. Now they fit him just right and I had to get a couple more at eBay. He has six XL fuzzi bunz now, and the rest of his nappies are home made. I have had to adapt standard-sized patterns to fit him! He is long in the rise. He does still fit size 3 Tots Bots though, and we do have a few of those but don't use them very often. He has recently outgrown size L MotherEase airflow wraps and is comfiest in his XLs, which we only needed for going over big night nappies until recently. All the standard Cuddlebuns are on the small side for him now, and I'm trying to find time to make him some XL ones. I won a couple of Wee Notions microfibre nappies at eBay and they are GORGEOUS, but even though they were custom-made extra long in the rise for a toddler, they are still a bit small on Arthur!

Matthew is also outgrowing nappies. He has been out of small fuzzi bunz for a month, and he now fits the mediums really well. He is out of all size one nappies (quicker than Arthur was, incidentally), and fits size 2 Tots Bots and Kissaluvs well. I am finding Tots too harsh on his back with the towelling-covered elastic compared to fuzzi bunz so I think I might sell all mine. He is used to much softer nappies and complains when I put a Tots Bots nappy on him!

If you don't know about these various brands of cloth nappies, I apologise! It will be like a foreign language to you probably! But I want to write about it all the same :)

Anyway. Matthew is in medium Motherease airflow wraps, and just grew out of the small size a few weeks ago, so our house is crazily littered with cloth nappies! We have ME airflow wraps lying around everywhere in sizes: small, medium, large and extra large, hehehe! And we haven't put the small fuzzis away yet, so also lying around the house are fuzzis in sizes: small, medium, large and extra large! Urgh. We need to put some things in the loft, but we NEVER have any time to do that. As I type this, the loft hatch is open and the ladder in place to go up there, but I can't even remember what mini-crisis diverted us from that focus a few hours earlier. And now the boys are out - Arthur needed to get out of the house and there was only a tiny window before his tea, so they're out now. And when they get back it'll be tea, bath, bed, and then I guess the ladder will get taken down again and put away, and we'll try again tomorrow! It's crazy.

I REALLY want to go to church tomorrow. Really really really. I hope we make it this week.

I wanted to thank everyone who has emailed me or left me comments lately. I have had so much support here since I said how much I feel I'm struggling, and it has helped me so much. Maybe that's part of the reason it bugged me so much to lose internet access for a couple of days. It just feels like a support link, even if I'm not actively typing things out or reading comments at that exact moment. The awareness of that link is often a big help in itself. I REALLY appreciate how you guys have made the internet feel that way for me :) I wish I could hug you ALL! xxx

I do take on board everyone's advice too. It's so good to hear different perspectives on my situation, especially those that are a bit removed from it all, as it's hard to see things clearly when I'm so close to it all myself. Or just too tired and stressed! I am NOT offended by anyone who has suggested that maybe I should wean Arthur. I know more than one person has worried that they offended me with the suggestion, and I just wanted to say you did not! I don't plan to wean Arthur till HE chooses to wean, BUT I did take on board what you were saying and I have chosen to refuse a little more when he asks for milk. So if it's not convenient for me, I will say, "Not right now" or "Mummy will give you milk a bit later". The result is that he is mainly feeding first thing in the morning, at his nap time (after lunch), and twice in the evening (once after tea and again at bedtime). Sometimes he gets to breastfeed mid-morning or mid-afternoon, depending on what is going on, but not always. He DOES still ask constantly and still gets upset and whiney when I say no, but I know he'll get used to it. I definitely don't want to actually stop him breastfeeding though. Most toddlers who are left to self-wean will do so between the ages of 2 and 3, though some will continue to age 4 or beyond. I have always been happy with the idea of breastfeeding my children at 2 or 3. I guess I haven't thought beyond that age though, as I presumed they'd probably wean by then! I will probably reassess when he's nearing 3 or something, if he hasn't already weaned himself. But cutting down the amount of time I am spending with Arthur at the breast is a good thing at the moment. If we are going to be busy and get anything done, he can't feed all morning and afternoon! But I make sure that when he DOES feed, it's leisurely and for as long as he wants it. And snuggly and welcoming :) I still LOVE the times when I am breastfeeding Arthur.

I still want to devote an entry to Matthew and finish what I had started a few entries back, but there keeps being other stuff to talk about, so I guess I'll just catch up on Matthew-things in a normal entry like this one, otherwise it'll all get left behind!

Matthew is 3 months old!!! I need a new breastfeeding milestone blinkie for him! I can't believe I have been tandem nursing for 3 months. I can't believe I have had my Mathie-Moo for 3 months! He is the most precious little boo. I can't remember what I have said about him lately. I hope I don't go over the same stuff again. Let's see. I think he has had a growth spurt lately. He fed frequently for a couple of days and nights, and then last night and today he is doing the same again. He seems REALLY hungry when he feeds, almost desperate for me to hurry up and get my bra undone, hehe! So I guess he is growing again. Just this morning I thought his face seemed a little rounder than I'm used to seeing it.

He may be at the 25th percentile for weight and height, but WEIRDLY he outgrew all his 0-3 month clothing (all brands) by 2 months old, and I have already had to pack away the size 3-6 month sleepsuits and vests, weeks ago! He is comfortably fitting his 6-9 month sleepsuits and vests, and just these last few days, some of them are getting a bit snug on him. I think that is due to the cloth nappies though, because they are only snug at the crotch and shoulders. But he fills the arms and legs out all the same. He fits size 6-12 month vests in some brands that come up small! I can't fathom why this is, since he is so low on the percentile charts, but there we go. He is in 3-6 month clothes on everything but sleepsuits and vests.

He likes being on his tummy, or his back, or upright, facing in or out. He is just happy in general and enjoys lying around or being held. He is no longer particular about certain positions, unless he's getting really tired and grouchy. Although we never hold him in the traditional "cradle" hold as he has never enjoyed that much. He prefers to see things, and more specifically, to use his neck muscles!

When he's on his tummy, he spends most of the time propped up on his elbows looking around. He has discovered his hands recently and stares at them a lot in various positions. He surprised me the other day when I came in to get him after a nap - he was propped up on his elbows (lying on his tummy) underneath his mobile, and he was holding his head back far enough so that he could juuust about look UP to see the mobile! Strong boy! Still such a huge contrast to Arthur who wasn't lifting his chin off the floor yet at this age! But Arthur went from that to being propped on his elbows strongly within a week, so he caught up okay.

Matthew rolled over for the first time last week - well, not counting that random roll at 3 weeks old! He rolled from tummy to back, and he can also roll from back to tummy, although I'm not sure he means to. I have also only noticed it on the bed when I am about to breastfeed him, and although the bed has a firm mattress, it's still just that little bit soft enough to aid a roll, you know? So perhaps he wouldn't quite be there yet on the floor. He is so eager for the breast lately that when I lay him on his back in my bed and start to lie down whilst undoing my bra to feed him, he kicks and pummels and flaps about impatiently (it's so cute, hehe!), and flings himself onto his side in anticipation! He rolls onto his side with ease, but sometimes he rolls too far and finds himself sprawled on his front like a little flailing upturned beetle, hehe! He gets frustrated because he's SO desperate to feed and he knows he's stuck and unable to find the breast if he's on his tummy, and he can't get out of that position (except that one time last week)! I am finding his current growth spurt EVER SO sweet, and it makes the extra night wakings worthwhile, because it is so cute to see him sooooo hungry and eager next to me while I'm fumbling to get myself ready to feed him. You should see his eyes when he sees my breast approaching him, hehe! They go ROUND like saucers and he cranes his little neck out and I never saw his mouth open so wide. He's like a baby bird, so eager. He flaps and flaps with all his limbs until the moment when he sees it coming, and then he's instantly still as anything with these wide eyes and open mouth, neck out, chin raised, just desperate for me to hurry up and get it to him! I just find it the sweetest thing :)

Today he is the hungriest I think he's ever been. He seems absolutely desperate to feed after an hour and a half, all day! I expect him to feed much more frequently than normal overnight tonight. That's okay though. I just keep thinking how much better it is than with Arthur, for the night wakings. I can't remember exactly how much I was up in the night at this stage with Arthur, but I know I did many months with 1-2 hourly wakings every single night. So even a busy night with Matthew is just BLISS in comparison, hehe! Aside from the growth spurts, Matthew now wakes between 12 and 1am and then doesn't wake again till 5.30 or so. And that means that if I can get him to go back to sleep after I feed him, he'll sleep till just after 8am! Wow.

Another big WOW for me, given my previous troubles with Arthur, is that I have a baby who goes to sleep by himself!!!!!!!!! I can't describe how amazing it feels! Over this last week (since last weekend) I have really been working with Matthew on him settling to sleep by himself. I feel so proud of it, because it really has been something I'VE had to do to get things like they are now. When Matthew yawns, I take him right up to his cotbed and pop him in on his tummy. I kiss him and tell him it's time for sleepy-bye-bye (don't know where that phrase came from - another weird thing from my head I suppose!), and that Mummy loves him, and LEAVE! He instantly starts nuzzling the sheet and I know he's trying to settle to sleep, so I know I can leave him. Earlier in the week I was waiting with him to be sure he wasn't going to get frustrated and need my help. I don't like to leave him crying.

Lately he has started trying to self-soothe in his cotbed. He searches out his two middle fingers and sucks them! I found him doing this one time when he had woken and cried and then Arthur needed me for something urgent. When I came back, I found him slurping away on his two middle fingers with his eyes closed (on his tummy), and about 60 seconds later, he took his fingers out and went to sleep! He isn't always co-ordinated enough to find them and then he gets frustrated and upset.

The only thing I'm still struggling with is getting him to take longer naps. I am doing the "pick-up, put-down" method with him, and patting him on the bum as well. He wakes at the 30 minute mark and I pat him. He cries. I continue patting until he either settles and dozes off (rare), or gets too worked up. If he gets too upset, I pick him up and cuddle him till he's calm and then put him down again straight away. He gets REALLY mad about this, so I pretty much have to pick him up and soothe him again straight away. He usually starts to get the picture after I put him down again, or maybe another time after that, and he'll fuss and then doze, but he wakes after a few minutes and cries a LOT, and when I finally get him settled again he sleeps for 5 minutes and then wakes crying. And then maybe 15 minutes and wakes crying. And so on. His sleep is so broken and it takes so long between wakings to settle him back to sleep that so far we are spending most of the afternoon just to get him 1.5 hours sleep or something! And it's in lots of little bits so it's hardly good sleep for him. Plus it takes me away from Arthur a lot. It's SUPPOSED to work if you persevere, so I will. And it's do-able, unless Arthur is also napping (the usual scenario) and Matthew's crying wakes him. I had a horrible time yesterday with them, when that happened. I scribbled a little log by the cotbed during the whole thing, just so I could have something to read back afterwards and identify when something was or wasn't working. Here's a bit from it:

12.41pm - Put Matthew in cot, awake and fussing/crying. Fussed on and off, eyes closed mostly. Just waited by him.

12.44pm - Asleep! Went downstairs, took Arthur up to bed and fed him to sleep.

1.00pm - Arthur asleep.

1.25pm - Matthew awake and fussing. Pick up and put down x2.

1.30pm - Arthur awake and very upset, crying for me. To Arthur (Matthew crying) and try to settle him.

1.34pm - Arthur still awake and crying more than ever, upset by Matthew's crying or something. To Matthew (Arthur still crying). Picked him up and calmed him. Put down.

1.36pm - Back to Arthur (Matthew hysterical), breastfed almost to sleep despite Matthew screaming next door until couldn't bear Matthew's crying any longer.

1.39pm - To Matthew (Arthur now screaming). Picked him up - way too red-faced and upset. Held till calm, put down. Tried patting, but Arthur upset next door. Picked up again, but put down before calm enough.

1.45pm - To Arthur, breastfed again in bed (Matthew crying).

1.50pm - Matthew quiet - cried to sleep? :( Still breastfeeding Arthur.

1.55pm - Matthew awake and crying. Arthur quiet (still breastfeeding) but refusing sleep now.

1.57pm - To Matthew, picked up and calmed. Arthur not staying in bed, running back and forth.

1.59pm - Put Matthew down, stayed by him for a moment, grizzling and fussing but seeming more sleepy. Arthur standing in doorway obviously doing a poo!

2.01pm - Matthew asleep. Arthur downstairs, as refusing to sleep now.

2.17pm - Matthew awake and crying (Arthur screeching downstairs the cause?).

2.18pm - Tried to resettle but seemed hungry so fed him in bed (Arthur downstairs playing). Finally fell asleep on the breast. Slept 2.37 - 3.19pm, then up.

Urrrrgh! Sometimes it's so hard to juggle everything! I am trying so hard to persevere because I know it will make a HUGE difference to how smoothly the day runs and how much both boys' needs are met if Matthew can take himself off to sleep and STAY asleep for the couple of hours that he needs at his naps. If I don't have to take responsibility for keeping him asleep, then I am free to do things with Arthur, and the whole palava doesn't take so long, so that frees up time later on too, for all of us. I just hope he gets it soon. It's really hard to fix with just me around, and Neil just learnt that his work won't let him take time off until at least the week after next. Ugh. Another week they've put it off for. The 9th running now. Pfthth.

Anyway. Some aspects of his sleep ARE improving, so that's good. I am finally letting myself hope that before he's a year old, I might even have a baby who sleeps through the night AND naps good long naps, going off to sleep by himself! I told Neil the other day that I didn't want him to walk Matthew to sleep at bedtime any more. He instinctively picks him up and walks/rocks him when he wakes or stirs and cries, to get him back to sleep, and then puts him down again once he's asleep. This is what we have done from the start with Matthew really, rather than him going to sleep on the breast every time like Arthur did. But I know Matthew can go to sleep without being walked, so I want Neil to stop doing it. It will help Matthew improve on his own skill of falling asleep independently. Sure enough, tonight and last night, I just popped Matthew in the cot, awake and cooing, on his tummy, and after a few minutes he went off to sleep by himself! Yay! It's such a huge RELEASE to have that burden taken off our shoulders. I wish Arthur was as easy. I think he COULD have been if we'd done it this way from when he was tiny. It gets harder and harder the older they get, and that knowledge from experience has got me extra keen to get Matthew on a good "path" while he's still tiny. I am not rigid about it though. If he's all distraught from an outing (as usual!) or completely exhausted from crying and needing comfort, then I'll breastfeed him and if he passes out on the breast then I let him. It's not very often that it happens and it's comforting to him. I LOVE it :) There's nothing as snuggly as an agitated, tired baby gradually relaxing off to sleep at the breast, it just feels so precious to hold him while he just looses all that tension and having snuggly Mama milk makes him feel more and more comforted and safe till he dozes off that way. I like providing that for him :)

We are currently doing the Sleep Separation Technique (as per Supernanny) with Arthur. It's for children who can't go to sleep without their parents with them, to help them to gradually get used to going to sleep on their own. It's verrrry different, after all these years (well, all two of them, nearly!) breastfeeding Arthur to sleep! I still breastfeed him in bed, and sometimes (but not very often now) he will fall asleep on the breast and that's that. Most nights though, he gets full - especially now that he's eating tea again, yaaay! - and is still wide awake. He tells me to put my breasts "way" and pulls my bra over them (hehehe!) and then sits up as energetic and mischievous as ever. So now we just sit on the bed (not his mattress, the one next to it) and don't say a word to him or make eye contact. He tries ALL sorts of things to get attention, oh my gosh! He bangs his head on stuff, he pulls all his clothes off, he climbs on the bed guard, switches the plug on and off and on and off (there's a kiddie protector in the socket) - all the stuff he can think of that normally has us jumping to stop him. But we mustn't react. He creeps over so that his face is RIGHT in ours and makes funny faces and sounds! One time he slowwwwly traced his NOSE all around the lens of my glasses, hehe! It was so hard to keep a straight face and find a place to focus my eyes on that wasn't Arthur's nose, I can tell you!

If he asks for a drink, I silently pass it to him, and take it back when he has finished. He tells me he has done a poo and needs a "tainge", which I ignore because I can tell he hasn't done one. Little monkey! We move a little bit further away from him each night, but at the moment we're stuck at the end of the bed because of the darn clutter in the room preventing us from moving any further away, and no time to clear it out during the day. Tsk. But anyway. My favourite part is that after a while he gives up trying for attention and chats to himself about some part of his day! I love to listen to that, it's really sweet. He still talks in just one-word sentences, but it's the tone of voice and the emotions he conveys with it that is the sweetest part of his chatter.

One night we decided to involve him more in cleaning his teeth. It has become such a battle that it seemed like a good idea. We let him try to brush his own teeth and made a big fuss of what a big boy he was! He kicked up a fuss when we had to just give them a once over after he had his turn, and we weren't sure if it had even meant anything to him to have a chance to brush his own teeth, as he didn't seem that interested. But how lovely it was later on, while I sat there waiting for him to go to sleep, to hear him suddenly say to himself, "Ooh, teef!" as though he had suddenly remembered about the incident and it was exciting to him! Then he said, "Teef!.... Ah-yah (Arthur), teef!.... (sudden miming of vigorous teeth-brushing!).... Bee-bay (big boy, aw!), yaaay!" and clapped his hands! What a sweetie :) He did this over and over, saying he had cleaned his own teeth and been a big boy, and always cheering and clapping when he got to the part about being a big boy, bless him! I'm so glad to have been there to hear that, and that he's now able to vocalise stuff like that, because then we were encouraged to persevere with the "big boy" stuff we've been doing with Arthur. We weren't sure it was having much effect till then.

Usually when Arthur chats to himself about some part of his day, it's about some lost item that he has been looking for ("Blooo?!" (the blue record for my ancient Fisher Price record player) - complete with hands held palm upwards and shrugged shoulders), or one of his toy vehicles that he's been playing with, "Ah-dan! (ambulance) Enny! (fire engine) Oooh-wooo!"

Anyway, it's taking ages to wait for him to settle to sleep, but it was 1.5 hours the first night, and now it's more like 40 minutes. Still a LONG wait! But we'll get there. Once we're out of the bedroom and letting him take himself to sleep, we'll do the Back To Bed Technique if he comes out of the bedroom. So that feels positive, knowing we have a plan that will work, and eventually we should have two children who deal with themselves after we say goodnight. Phew, it's been a LONG time coming! I can't wait.

Ohh this is getting really long and it's getting late again. It's the evening now and the boys are in bed asleep. I have had a good evening so far - a LONG bath and a pizza in pyjamas that actually FIT me, yay! I weighed myself today and I was 9 stone 12lbs!!! Below 10 stone at LAST!!!! Yay! I have no idea what that all is in lbs, but there are 14lbs to a stone. I have a way to go before I get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (8 and a half stone), but I'm down from over 12 stone at the end of my pregnancy so that's not bad! I'm doing absolutely NOWT in the way of exercise, which needs to change. Well, this week I finally started doing my postnatal exercises, which I never once did after Arthur. It's all that tail-wagging, stomach crunching, leg lifting stuff. It's gentle and you only do a few of each exercise, but I was hurting all over after the first day - that really says how UN-toned I am, doesn't it?! So I will try to keep that going.

I feel kind of pregnant these last few days. Things taste weird (bitter, mostly) and I am crazy hungry (maybe Matthew's growth spurt?) and keep suddenly wanting a whole raw carrot to eat or some weird thing. And a bit crampy too. So maybe I am warming up for my first postpartum period. Oh, hoo. rah. I think my first one after Arthur was 5 months PP, but I was breastfeeding way more at night with Arthur, and prolactin levels are at their highest when you breastfeed during the night (that hormone is what keeps your periods at bay while you're breastfeeding). So even though I'm breastfeeding two this time, it's still vaguely possible that I could get my period within the next month or two. Ugh. I really don't plan to be using it for a good while this time, so it would be very nice if it didn't grace me with its presence for a while! Anyway, I absolutely cannot be pregnant, belieeeve me, so do not worry!

Which reminds me, Matthew was conceived just over a year ago! I ovulated on September 14th, 3 days ago this time last year. Of course the parsnips took place 4 days before that - my strong boy holding on in there till that eggie got released! :) Anyway, that was literally the LAST time we had parsnips. I kid you not. OVER A YEAR. Yikes. I don't know if that's healthy! But who cares. I'm sure I should, but really, I have bigger concerns right now, and breastfeeding always seems to make my already low parsnip-drive even lower. I don't even start to get interested until my periods are back and well established, so it's obviously a hormonal thing. I'm sure we should give it a whirl, but I am reeeally in no hurry, myself!

Oh but I was going to write more about Matthew! I can't think what I've said and what I haven't now.... He did his first chuckle a week or so ago! He hasn't done so since though. He smiles HUGELY at things but something has to be super-funny before he'll chuckle at it. Arthur chuckled (a real belly laugh) for the first time at 11 weeks, 6 days old. Matthew was 12 weeks and 1 day old! How funny, almost exactly the same age! Matthew gets hiccups just like Arthur did when he tries to laugh. Arthur STILL gets hiccups when he laughs a lot! He got them just today, going completely watery-eyed hysterical over me saying, "Pwooar, that STINKS!" over a nappy that really didn't stink that bad, but I knew it would make Arthur laugh and thus not give me a struggle over the nappy change! He is such a boy. He loves toilet humour, ugh. I don't even know why, it seems to just tickle him without our prompting!

Okay, I suppose I should post some photos!! I was saving the recent photos of Matthew for an entry about him, so I guess I will post those now :) Here are a few of him on his tummy a couple of weeks ago, in his cotbed. He was looking at me like I was being weird trying to peer through the bars and take a photo of him! Then he looked up and beamed at me, and I am SO bummed that I cut the top of his head right off in the photo, because it was a lovely one! He lifted his head much higher than I expected him to. After that he saw his hands and was intrigued by them for a while :) He was 11 weeks, 6 days old in these photos:

Those hands again, at 12 weeks, 3 days:

And just an odd little expression that I couldn't resist photographing!

Matthew is really getting interested in toys lately. He likes musical ones, and tries to grab at colourful toys. He really likes the musical bug toy that was Arthur's favourite at around this age. It has lots of different colours and textures and he looks at it for AGES. He likes to touch it if I hold him in a position that enables him to do so more easily:

He's been teething properly lately. No actual teeth on their way, I'm sure. But he has had red puffy cheeks and rough, red chin, and hot gums and knawed fingers, etc. Poor lambie-boo :( We've been using Bonjela and teething powders, but I can't really tell if they're helping much. It's weird to have two children teething at the same time! Arthur just got his fourth canine yesterday (or was it this morning? I can't remember), so we're almost there! Sixteen down, four to go! Poor Matthew has all 20 to look forward to yet.

They FINALLY had their immunisations on Wednesday of this week. Arthur had his first MMR and Matthew had his first round of Hib 5-in-1 and Meningitis boosters. Neil was able to take a long lunch break to help me, and we were both kind of dreading it! But it went totally fine. Arthur went first. I took some chocolate-covered raisins with me (Arthur's ultimate all-time favourite treat!), and as the nurse got the injection ready, I sat him on my lap and got out the raisins, preparing myself for a difficult few minutes. Arthur was very excited about the raisins. He ate one while the nurse showed me how to hold his arm firmly to his side for the injection. She put the needle in his arm. He casually glanced at me as if to say, "What's she doing, Mummy?" and then looked at the needle in his arm for a few seconds while she pushed the plunger, and then looked at her as if to say, "Why are you doing that?"!! He didn't flinch, didn't look afraid, didn't recoil from the nurse or the needle as he watched them or anything! Then he made an expression that sort of goes with a shoulder-shrug, and turned back to the bag of raisins, putting his hand in for another one! We were all amazed! And relieved, I have to say. The nurse was very impressed. He got a sticker with a "ti-gah! Raaahh!" on it :)

Then Matthew had his two injections. Arthur went out into the waiting area with Neil to look at the "whhhiiish" (fish, hehe!) in the tank, while I breastfed Matthew. He let go and cried for the meningitis injection and the nurse told me that they all cry on that one. She thinks it must sting more or something. He let go and went to cry after the second one but decided to feed again instead. So it wasn't too bad. Neither of them had any irritability or fever following the vaccinations, which is wonderful! Arthur had a lot of irritability and discomfort after his Hib boosters so I'm surprised that Matthew didn't. He generally seems more sensitive than Arthur so I guess I was expecting it to be hard on him. Anyway, the key times for Arthur to have reactions to the MMR are 7-10 days after (measles-like rash, if anything), and 3 weeks after (mumps-like swellings, if anything), so we'll wait and see how he goes. I'm relieved to have him vaccinated against those nasties at last, but I am also glad I waited a little while longer than the normal age for the MMR. He just seemed too little for 3 live vaccines in one go at the time, whatever else the debates are about.

Okay I need to go to bed! Just a few more photos and then I'm done. Matthew and Arthur are getting more interested in each other! It's lovely to watch. Arthur loves to lie next to Matthew while Matthew looks at toys and stuff.

He also likes to show him his toys a lot. I keep finding Matthew sitting on jigsaw pieces or toy cars in his bouncy chair, as Arthur puts them on his tummy to "show" him, and then they slide off him and under his bottom! It's so sweet though, as Arthur usually shares his most favourite things with Matthew. I know this won't always be the case, hehe! So I'm enjoying the brotherly love while it lasts ;) He hasn't yet shared Monkey with Matthew though. He shows him Monkey but doesn't give him to Matthew. He takes Matthew hands now and does the "buh-buh-buh-buh, boogiiiee!!" thing that I do with him. Matthew BEAMS at him. He absolutely loves to watch Arthur, and often starts to "talk" to him with an earnest expression, but Arthur is gone before he's even finished a "Matthew-sentence"! Poor Matthew! He looks rather bewildered when a person suddenly disappears before his eyes when he's mid-sentence trying to communicate with them. I really feel for him, he looks so disappointed, poor lovely! He tries so hard with his "words", making them slow and deliberate, and it makes it all the more heart-breaking to see his audience vanish while he's trying so hard.

There was a sweet moment the other evening, just before Neil got home from work, when Matthew was on the mat on the floor. Arthur brought his Pop-Up Orchestra musical toy to show Matthew, and Matthew was really interested. Then Arthur lay down next to Matthew and actually stayed still for a few minutes at a time! He also stayed facing Matthew but with Matthew's face above his, so that was lovely for Matthew! He lost nooo time talking and talking and TALKING to Arthur, using as many different vocal sounds and stuff as possible! It was really sweet - you could see how eager he was to communicate with Arthur. Arthur just lay and listened, and occasionally did something like reach out and touch Matthew's nose. Matthew started blowing raspberries, and every time he did one, Arthur giggled. I just watched them with this huuuuge motherly-glow thing going on, it was lovely! Eventually I got the camera out so that I wouldn't forget the moment:

I had another moment like that this evening when I was about to take Matthew up to bed. Arthur was racing around the kitchen on his little ride-on car and I took Matthew in and said to Arthur, "Matthew is going to bed now. Can you say night night to him?" Arthur immediately stopped and waved at Matthew, singing out, "Nigh-nigh, Ma-Ma!" and then drove right up to us and planted a huge kiss on Matthew's cheek :) I have the sweetest baby boys :) I can't WAIT till a year from now to see them playing together and stuff. Or TWO years and hear them talking together and making each other laugh. It's going to be so lovely to watch. I just love them soooooooooooooooooo much.

Okay, what else, just quickly? Matthew grabbed and held onto his first "thing" the day before yesterday! A purple plastic textured disc that snaps onto the Fisher Price Kick and Play toy-bar. He tries to shove it in his mouth but his co-ordination isn't always good enough and he gets frustrated!

Arthur had another hair cut today. A lady at Fellowship Group on Thursday that I hadn't met before, asked me how old my daughter was! I told her that he may have a lot of hair, but he was definitely a HE! She said, "Reeeally?! But he looks SO much like a girl!" Tsk. He did have a LOT of hair by then though, and it curls so prettily at the sides and back :) So, a hair appointment was duly made for Saturday morning, and Neil took him. He still seems to have lots of hair, but it's shorter at the back. It still curls, which is the important thing! :)

He also got his new shoes, but he's only gone up to a size 5.5. The difference is that he has gone up a width size, to a G. That's probably why he wasn't fitting into his 5Fs.

This boy has a really seriously good memory, I am discovering. I wonder if that's what has helped him to learn so many colours and stuff? This evening he sat with his Mr. Men books, taking them out of the box one by one as he has been doing for months - it's one of his favourite things to do. He likes me to tell him what they are and tell me their colours and look at one page in each book, before moving onto the next book.

This evening he pulled out Mr. Muddle, and held it out to me, saying, "Mubble!" Yikes! Then out came Mr. Clumsy - "Mum-bee!" declared Arthur! Then Mr. Slow was held out to me - "Wshhowww", and Mr. Jelly ("Weh-wee!"). Mr. Fussy came next - "Puffee!" and then Mr. Brave ("Baaabe!"). Finally he pulled out Mr. Sneeze and held it out to me, saying, "Atchooo!" hehehe! Then he got bored and rushed off to drive his car around the house as fast as he could push with his little legs. No, he can't read. But he can visually see the Mr. Men and attach the names I'm telling him to them, and somehow remember them the next time he sees the picture of that Mr. Man. I just think that's amazing. Maybe it's not, but to me it seems just.... wowee! I had nooo idea he would ever learn which ones were which, until he learned to READ their names and see which one was which by reading the book titles. Which would be a long while off yet. I tell him which ones they are as he holds them out to me because he seems like he wants me to tell him. He continues to hold them out until I tell him, and gets frustrated in the end otherwise. When I tell him the name of the Mr. Man, he seems satisfied and puts the book down. Smartie-boy.

Okay Arthur is awake for some reason. I should go and see what is up. I'll finish with a photo of my tiniest boy being all yummy and mine (?!) a few days ago. I could just eat him right UP, honestly! Yummy boy :)

Plans and thank yous!

Ohhhkay... 7.30pm, boys asleep. Have put on my "sane hat", haha, and am here to update after my last entry. First of all, thank you SO SO much for all the comments, notes and emails after my entry. Wow, I was so overwhelmed! And you guys gave such good advice, and were all so supportive - thank you so much. I have been thinking on every single thing that everyone suggested, and putting a few things into practise too. I also talked to my mum 3 times on the phone since writing the last entry and her view on things and some advice from her have helped too.

I love my mummy. I don't want anyone to think badly of her. But she won't come. She says I CAN do it, and she knows it's really hard for me right now, but I am equal to the challenge! She says her mother never came to help her (I always HATE when she says that) but that if she was living locally she would definitely be helping me out. Practically, there is nowhere for her to stay if she comes here. We fill all the space in our house and really can't shuffle anything around for her to stay, it wouldn't be fair. They normally stay with my grandparents but G&G left yesterday for a 4 week holiday in California (flying to the States on 9/11, yeesh - I am so thankful that they arrived safely!). My brother and his fiancee don't have space and they are busy busy, and my parents always hate to ask to stay with them as they give up their bed so my parents have somewhere to sleep. Other than that it's hotels, and those are just toooo expensive around here. I don't blame her for saying she can't come. But it sucks I guess. Oh well. Mummy feels so bad that I am finding things so difficult and she can't be here to help me. It helps a little to phone her, even with the boys both screaming about something in the background and me crying on the phone too! She always helps me see clearly and tells me what to go and do the moment I put the phone down, and sometimes I REALLY just need somebody to tell me what to do.

My friend from church, Michelle, was here a few weeks ago with her new baby (newer than Matthew even!), Ema, and Matthew was napping most of her visit. Arthur was up and active and rather annoyed that I was paying more attention to someone else rather than him! I found the visit really stressy because I was trying to respond to Michelle's chat (and WISHING I could just hold an adult conversation with ease), whilst having constant whining and shouting in my ear as Arthur tried to get my attention. And my hands were busy the whole time modelling playdough in an attempt to keep Arthur amused while I talked to Michelle! I am finding it increasingly hard to juggle two or three different streams of sound or demands for my attention through my ears, at the same time as doing one or more things with my hands. I just go into stimulation overload, and it tires me out so fast. I end up just wanting to cover my ears with my hands and scream!

Anyway, during Michelle's visit, Arthur did a mega poo and just as I reached for a change of nappy for him, I heard Matthew begin to wail over the monitor. I just stood there in the kitchen doorway, suddenly oblivious to Michelle being there at all, and said, "Okay, NOW he wakes, but there's a poo.... what do I do?!" I was really just thinking out loud in an attempt to single out my thoughts from all the aforementioned overload, but then Michelle's voice cut through it like a wave of calm, saying, "Change that nappy. Matthew can wait." And that's the first time I realised how much of a huge RELIEF it was to hear someone calm and sane stand there and tell me clearly and calmly what I should do, just as my own brain was going into panic mode! It helped such a lot. So Mummy helps me like that when I phone her. But it's a shame she can't be here to take Arthur out for long walks or something. It's energy consuming outings that are most needed around here, for Arthur. I do take them out for shorter walks but Matthew cries most of the time, and we have to turn back WAY too soon for Arthur, who gets upset and tantrumy that we're going home when he's only used up about 2% of his energy! He has SO much energy, that boy. It doesn't seem to matter even when he has a MEGA outing one day, he still bounces off the walls once he gets home.

Anyway. Here are a few things that I have taken on board (so far) and am taking action on from everyone's comments:

I am going to wait till my blood test results come back later this week, and then instead of just picking any prescription up from reception, I think I'll book another appt to see my doctor and talk to her again about my stress levels. I'll try and get it so that maybe Neil can be around to watch the boys while I go to my appt. I think I need to be there on my own to talk about it properly. I want to ask her for help with stress management, mainly.

Secondly, Neil and I have talked afresh about getting some home help. He has already looked into getting cleaning help and is waiting for someone to email him a quote at the moment. Same for the gardening. He says he'll start looking at quotes for child-care help tomorrow at work. My heart sinks a little, you know me! But I am trying my very best to just let GO of the mindset I had over it, and realise I do have to accept help. And like you guys said, it doesn't mean anything about my ability to be a good mother to my kids. I WISH wish wish I could cope on my own, but it's okay to get help if I can't. So far I can TYPE that, but my heart doesn't want to hear it. I will keep saying it. I know it's true so I need to drum it into my head. Thanks for being so honest with me about it.

I'm going to start looking at playgroups for Arthur. My mum reminded me that the doctor once told me it would be good to start looking just before he turns two, because they have waiting lists and that way I'd get him in there by the time he's 2 and a half. Still, that's a way off. I'll look and see what's out there. We'll still try to get out to mother-and-baby groups. I'm THRILLED that my fellowship group at church (the one with a few mums and toddlers) is now meeting EVERY Thursday morning instead of every other one like before! Yay!

The only thing about outings - even the "helpful" ones - is that I do find them SUCH hard work. Almost more hard work than staying at home really. Matthew cries all the time and I need to hold him a lot, and even then he cries. I can't talk to other mums with him crying in my ear all the time. Arthur still wants my attention a lot when we're out, but at least he is back and forth between playing with other kids and toys, and coming to see me for something. I do feel I want to watch him a bit still, to keep an eye on what he's doing. Juggling chat, a crying baby, and keeping half an eye on a whirlwind of a toddler feels like very hard work, and I pretty much end up feeling overheated, sweaty, stressed and crazy thirsty. I'm exhausted when we get home and we still have the rest of the day to get through. So at the moment I find it harder to go out than to stay in. I think the benefits do just about outweigh the cons though - Arthur NEEDS the outing, so that need is met, and I do still enjoy the social contact even if it's strained and difficult. I keep hoping Matthew will get used to outings and be content instead of crying all the time, but he still hasn't yet. Maybe I just haven't exposed him to outings enough? Anyway, we'll try.

Playgroups are possible on Monday and Wednesday mornings around the corner. That's a BIG playgroup and we will get mighty frequent germs from that place! Arthur was ill with a new bug EVERY OTHER WEEK for 4 months at the beginning of this year when we were going there regularly. We used to only go on Wednesdays, but I guess we could try both days. I think we'd start out just on Wednesdays again and see how we go. Tuesdays there is a slightly smaller mother-and-toddler group run by my church but not many mums from my church go. It's for the local community. We could go to that. That's in the morning too. Thursday mornings will be Fellowship Group now, and I DO like that. It's going to be on a rota of different mums' houses (I'm not on the rota) on one week and then alternate weeks will be at a cafe with a secure and enormous kids play area. One of the mums at church did a trial run there and thought it was fabulous, so we'll be meeting there every other week. Thing is, it's in the centre of town and NOT easy to get my two very small ones to. It feels a bit of a dreaded task to me, but I promise to give it a whirl and see if we survive! This week we're at Katie's house, which suits me loooads better. Fridays.... no groups that I know of on Fridays. But maybe that's okay. Maybe we can make Fridays the day I take the boys to the park for a couple of hours instead, or something like that?

Ohhh it sounds like such a good plan but I feel anxious that I won't be able to carry it through! I hope I can do it for them, for ME, for all of us.

Oh! I just remembered that there's soft play at a local leisure centre on Mondays, Wednesdays and FRIDAYS in the afternoon! You have to pay and get tickets 15 minutes before the session, and I am HOPELESSLY disorganised about getting anywhere on time, so I seriously doubt that we'll make it to that unless I am pretending we're going like THREE HOURS earlier than it starts, haha! But otherwise it's a possible option. Also I have finally succeeded in getting Arthur's naps from morning to after-lunch, so he now naps in the early afternoon. Sometimes that won't really allow for us to go to soft play. And I don't think Matthew will enjoy it ONE BIT. But at least his afternoon naps now mean that we are able to attend all the morning mother-and-toddler groups.

Soooo, that's activities. It's my organisation (or lack thereof) that I worry about. We may not get to some of those groups because I am physically incapable of getting myself and two little boys out of the house before the morning is nearly over! Seriously. I find it that hard. We NEVER turn up for anything on time. I sooooo wanted to go to church (for once - it's been ages since we've been) on Sunday and even gave up my lie-in to try and get myself and the boys ready on time. Neil was here too, so it looked promising that between us we'd get ready! But nope. We STILL managed to struggle with finding things in the horrible clutter that is out ENTIRE HOUSE, in time to get ourselves ready and leave. By the time we were almost ready to go, the worship time was almost over and there seemed little point in going. I just. Want. To. Worship. I guess my spirit knows my need for God, because I am just THIRSTING for him right now. I feel bone dry and longing for his touch to restore me.

Oh, but off on another tangent again (!!), I forgot to say before that I DID have a good "time-out" last week. And it was wonderful. It was when I went to the nurse to get my blood taken on Thursday. Neil came home and watched the boys while I drove to the doctor's surgery to have it done. My appt was 11.30am and we figured I would be home somewhere around noon, since they usually run late and so on. But for once I was on time for something - even a couple of minutes early, wow! And they saw me right away. The blood test took a matter of seconds, and I walked straight back out to the car. The weather was soooo nice. Sunny and warm, but not overbearingly hot. And a nice breeze. I felt so.... FREE! Walking along the pavement with both my arms relaxed and swinging by my sides. My body was straight instead of stooping slightly to one side to hold Arthur's hand so far below mine, or to rein him in when he leaned over to this or that whilst walking along. I did not have a child or baby in my arms. I did not have a hand to hold or someone to train ten eyes on in case of an incident! I could let my gaze wander this way and that, and even look up to the sky and remember how blue it is (funny how I never seem to look UP anymore when I'm out with the boys! It's just intense FOCUS on what they are doing, just to try and keep track and keep them safe!). It felt so nice to look around and breathe easy and feel the breeze, and stroll at my own pace. I got to the car WAY too quickly, and stood by it for a while just wondering where I could go if I kept on walking. But it wasn't that nice an area for walking in, so I got in the car after a while.

I drove home, but as I reached the turning for our road, I saw the clock in the car and it said 11.43am. Suddenly it was like the excitement of sneaking out or something, hehe! I realised I could just keep driving and find a place to walk for maybe just 10 minutes, all to myself!!!! It was such a thrilling thought! :) Neil need not know, because he wouldn't expect me home till noon anyway. I kept on driving and found a green off the road. It was quite big, and framed with trees and a fenced-off railway line, so it wasn't right in the face of people and cars and business. I parked and got out of the car, and started to walk onto the grass with this huge silly grin on my face, haha!

It just felt great to be out, like sneaky ME time - it felt like such fun! I knew I just had 10 minutes to walk and relax, and I had planned to just stroll and take in my surroundings and enjoy the quiet and the breeze and use all my senses now that they weren't being assaulted by shouts and cries and clashing toys! But I hadn't gone two steps before I felt God calling me to spend that time with HIM, not just myself. I have missed that intimacy with God soooooooooo much, and it feels like it's been so long since I had the opportunity. I have been praying over the last week that God would help me carve out some time to spend with him again. Telling him that I MISSED him and longed for him, and wanted so much to spend time with him, but that I just didn't know HOW. God is so faithful. He just opened up that door for some time with him. Also I have begun praying with Arthur while I breastfeed him in bed at night, and sometimes I sing over him, worship songs, while I breastfeed him. Just quietly. He seems soothed by it. And my heart just gets lifted up in worship to God, and that's lovely. Also I have started putting Christian music CDs on and holding Matthew in my arms while Arthur is napping sometimes, and just singing and swaying about with Matthew. Again, he is soothed by the music and the singing, and especially by being held so close. I hold him extra close because my heart just grows an extra ACRE when I worship God. I always want to hold my children extra close to me when God is near to me. I feel so full of love and joy and thankfulness to God for giving me my children. So it's good to do.

Anyway, I walked around that park 3 times, all the way round. I kept my pace fairly brisk so I got some exercise out of it, and I enjoyed the walk. I sang and prayed aloud the whoooole way. I just let God's Spirit lead me. It was just WONDERFUL! I mostly just praised God - that is always the most fun part! But I also sat down on a bench for a minute or two and prayed for my boys and Neil and me, and a few specific things. I prefer to PRAISE though! :) I even praised God in tongues. I have not done that for the longest time. It felt weird with how long it's been, but amazing. Every time I did it - this will sound crazy - the wind blew HARD and I could barely stand up. My heart squished my throat so I could barely breathe to pray, for how much awe and joy I felt. And then the feeling would ebb again and so would the wind. Cool, huh?! Sometimes as I sang to God, the words of the songs would hit me right in that spot and my whoooole body would break out in goosebumps. Good goosebumps though :) I lost track of the time and enjoyed myself so much, and rekindled something I have been missing for years. But I was mid-sentence in prayer and suddenly I knew it was time to go home. I got back in my car and drove home, and walked in the door at noon exactly :) I should tell Neil I did that. It didn't come up at the time and I still haven't told him. It's like a secret between me and God ;)

So it's not ALL bad. I just need a bit more time like that, and some catch-up on the sleep front, and maybe it will all be okay. I DO think I need some help with stress management though, regardless of whether things are suddenly peachy again or not. Jemma's right, it HAS been a major issue for me all my life, not just since having children. Ulcers are not good news for a 30-year-old! I need to sort this out, and I will take steps to do so. Thank you for pointing me in that direction, you guys.

I need to go and make a seriously yummy sauce to go on the pasta that Neil is cooking downstairs, but I have more to write so I'll leave this entry open and try to finish it a bit later before bed.

Back, but it's getting really late again. Arthur woke (weirdly) and wouldn't go back to sleep so I sat with him for ages, but Neil's with him now. Matthew will probably wake soon for a feed. He is definitely having a growth spurt. He's feeding way more at night suddenly, and more frequently in the day, so I'm sure of it.

Anyway, quickly - Jenn posted a GREAT link for me (thank you Jenn!) which is here. I found it really helpful. There's a list of things to try at the end, when you feel like you might hurt your child. It helped me so much to read it that I wrote it out and stuck it on my fridge door, see?

I feel really pleased to be able to SEE some sort of action taken, every time I look at the fridge. There are some useful ideas on the list too. My mum also suggested that if I feel that way, I could try to put MYSELF on a time-out till I cool off. She asked if there was anywhere secure and safe to put Arthur and walk away from him to cool down, and the only place I could think of was the travel cot in the bedroom. Today has been another stressful day - Matthew has had 3 THIRTY MINUTE naps (waaaaaaaaay too little for such a tiny person, and definitely too little for THIS particular tiny person!) and I couldn't get him to go back to sleep even using the methods I've been trying. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough? Well, one of those times I had put Arthur to bed right after Matthew went off to sleep, and Arthur REFUSED to nap. If I had time to persevere with him, he would have taken one eventually, but Matthew wakes at the 30 minute mark predictably (urgh) and needs me to go in and convince him that he needs a longer nap (which is hard work and can take up to 30 minutes in itself). So of course Matthew woke before Arthur was asleep and there was no way it was going to work with just me to fix naps for both of them. Why are my kids BOTH such hard work with naps?! Anyway. I put Arthur in the travel cot with his duvet and told him I had to go and settle Matthew and he needed to go to sleep. He wasn't happy, of course, but oh well. Anyway, I was juuust getting somewhere with Matthew when there's this thud and Arthur trots in. So that's the travel cot out. He can climb out of it. I put Matthew back in his cot (crying) and Arthur back in the travel cot (just to give me a minute or so) to go downstairs and phone Neil and ask him WHAT to do. While I was on the phone, Arthur climbed out and WHACKED his face on the radiator :( So he has a horrible bruise on his cheek, poor lovey. And he didn't nap today, for the second time in his whole life.

Urgh, Matthew is waking and Arthur's still awake and it's 11.40pm and I STILL haven't written all that I wanted to about the steps I am taking after yesterday's entry! Poo! I'll have to try to catch up again tomorrow. I have more ways that I plan to try and destress when I need to. I did not hurt my children today, thank goodness! I found today really hard. Neil thinks he might get holiday time from as early as next week. I can NOT wait for that. Okay, not a happy Matthew now! He wants milk, so I must go. Thanks so much again for all your advice and support. I'll write more tomorrow hopefully.

Help.

Okay, totally different vibe to the last couple of entries but -

Does anybody know where I can go to get help for stress? I have noooo idea where to go, and quite honestly I am scared to ask my GP or Health Visitor because I'm beginning to wonder if they'll take my kids away from me. I know, that probably sounds so stupid after my cheery entries recently.

Today I hurt Arthur, and I am too ashamed to tell you about it because it was that bad. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I could snap at any second and I don't know what to expect from myself. I feel DESPERATE for help, for a break, for sleep, for something - all things I absolutely CANNOT get to the degree that I need them. It's me, and Neil. Meg, thank you for your lovely offer of coming over again to help me one day. I would LOVE that. I need all the help I can get, it seems. My grandparents came over last week for a few hours and did some housework for me - isn't that lovely of them?

But the kind of help I feel like I need is WEEKS "off" to recharge and prevent myself going completely insane. I feel like I'm no longer exaggerating when I say that. I really feel like some ticker inside me is starting to buzz with an impending explosion. I mean, I have a STOMACH ULCER now. I am more stressed than human beings are meant to get. I know lots of people are out there doing the same stressy job and coping without ulcers or meltdowns, so either I must be crap, or I don't know.... they must be great. Or maybe I'm just a different make-up than them. But a crap one then, let's face it.

Anyway. It's 7pm but Neil has taken Arthur to the park after work to run around a bit. He's okay. He could SO easily not be right now after what I did. I need help. I need help. I NEED HELP. But I don't know where to go for it, or what exact help I need. I don't think I need anger management as such, because I have never really had issues with anger. Stress, though, that's another thing. Stress management then? Where do I go for the type of stress management that is tailored for mothers of small children on the verge of a nervous breakdown?! Also it has to be free. No spare money, though it would obviously be a priority to spend money on.

I am just CRYING. I don't know what to do. I feel this horrible self-loathing that I hate feeling for myself, but it's earned today. Matthew is asleep, I just nursed him to sleep.

I really don't think it is actually Postnatal Depression, because I am mostly happy and optimistic, as you see from my diary entries lately. But I am increasingly unable to cope with normal stresses in a day, and I feel so tired out that I don't feel able to do anything much with the boys. Arthur gets into pent-up "destructo" mode and hits, bites, throws, tears, etc, but I can see that he is just overwhelmed by his energy that I can't take him out of the house to burn off. If I am over-tired and Matthew is crying in my arms for the 2nd hour running, and I have told him for the thousandth time NOT to break this or that or throw the bouncy chair, etc, then something inside me snaps and I do something like today's incident. I am disgusted with myself. But scared too, because I know it will simply happen again the next time I am pushed to that level of stress. I just seem to be unable to cope with stress any more. It's like, physically, mentally.... I just can't cope. I feel like I am on the edge of snapping for real. Over the weekend I had a few meltdowns with Neil where I just begged him to take some holiday time so I could take the pressure off this whatever-it-is inside me before it pops and something bad happens. I honestly feel DESPERATE for time out, REAL time out, enough for me to heal, recharge, catch up properly on a bit of sleep, etc. But I don't know if that's ever going to be possible as a Mummy of two such little ones. I mean, no mummy can take time out like that - it's a job that is signed up for and once you're there, that's that! Which is a wonderful thing. But scary when I am not managing it at all well.

I even used the words, "Neil, I am BEGGING you, please take some holiday time." And I never use phrases like that. He keeps telling me he'll take time off but then there's this project or other at work that keeps getting delayed or drawn-out that he has to oversee before he can take time off work. He figured he could take holiday time off around 4 weeks after Matthew was born. I remember back then feeling like it was an eternity from 2 weeks to 4 weeks after he was born (the time I was on my own after Neil went back to work), and wondering how I'd ever get through it! Well we are still waiting, two months later. I swear I'm going to go crazy if someone doesn't give me a break soon. But I can't insist any more than I am about Neil's work. I guess he just has to do what he has to do there. But meanwhile I feel scared about where that leaves me. Until now I have felt like, well I don't know HOW I'll cope another week but I'll get through it somehow. And it's been fine in the end, with the odd really stressy day. But now I'm thinking, okay I am actually scared about my kids' safety if somebody doesn't come and take over for a bit and let me rest and recharge. But by "a bit" I mean like 2 weeks. A week would have done it a month ago, but I honestly think it's going to go too fast and I will just feel depressed about it from day one, knowing it'll be gone before I feel any better in myself.

It sucks because I get the feeling somebody is going to want to put me on anti-depressants and say I'm postnatally depressed, when I KNOW that if I could only get some practical help or some time to myself, I would be happy, sane, and lovely towards my kids at all times. I feel sad that it could be that simple and nobody is helping me. I feel angry at my family for relaxing happily in France (which they have every right to do) and not seeing how desperate I am for help and getting their butts over hear for a while to help me out when I am at my most desperately stressed. I don't feel angry at them much of the time, just when I feel like this and wish I had somebody around to regularly pop in and take the strain off for me. Neil said at the weekend maybe we should EMPLOY someone to help me with the kids. Am I crazy to think this is a horrible idea? For me, that feels like the final indelible stamp of "failure at motherhood" - needing someone to come and help me with my little babe-in-arms and my normal healthy toddler. And me without a job to go and do or anything. I feel absolutely ashamed of the idea, since there are fifty million mothers of two children under the age of two around, happily organising their children and trotting off to mother-and-toddler groups several times a week, etc. But again there are lots of those who have Grandma down the road. I WISH I did. I wish my mummy hadn't moved to France. She used to live within a 5 minute walk from our house. I have no right to ask that of my parents anyway, but I probably WOULD do if they were here, because I really need the help. For me, I feel really strongly about it being FAMILY who take some of the load when it comes to caring for my children. I can't bear the idea of a stranger being paid money to do so. When my kids are this little, it should be their mummy looking after them 24/7, nobody else. If anyone else has to help, then familiar family members would be ideal. However, they certainly don't need looking after 24/7 by a mummy who can't guarantee that she won't hurt them. I suck.

And the boys are home. Seriously, feel free to insult me over it. But also if anyone knows where I can get some help, please please could you tell me. I googled "hurting my toddler help", "i hurt my children" and "violence my toddler" but got nothing but stuff about toddlers being violent, and stuff about nice mothers who are worried about things hurting their toddlers. Nothing about crazy mothers who HURT their toddlers and want some help. Urgh. Anyway, seriously, please let me know if you have any ideas. I am not sure where else to ask.

I promise to finish my happy-cheery entry about Matthew later, or soon, or something. It feels weird to do so when I am busy being crappy-Mummy with it all hanging over me, so maybe not tonight. I need to talk with Neil after Arthur is in bed. When he got home I had Matthew crying in my arms, Arthur playing happily (somehow?!) but noisily on the floor, and he met me in floods of tears saying, "Where the HELL have you been?!!" (he was all of 5 minutes late) I told him I hurt Arthur. He asked why. I told him because I am shit. He took Arthur out while I got Matthew ready for bed, and I guess we'll talk in a minute after Arthur is asleep. I have to go, i'll be back later.

About Matthew

Waaaay too late again for a diary entry, but I'll never get it done otherwise, so here we go! This is the "Matthew" entry that I've been meaning to write for a while. He deserves an entry to himself at least (!), with all the changing and growing that he's doing! Arthur had about a million all of his own by this age, hehe!

Matthew is doing well! He is 12 weeks old, and he'll be three whole months old on this Thursday coming! Wow. Already.

He is losing his hair. He has been for aaages, I just kept forgetting to write about it. He has a bald ring all around his head now, poor thing! And he's a little thin on top. He is more bald on one side than the other, just like Arthur was before it all disappeared and then the new hair grew in. He does have new hair growing, but if I remember rightly from Arthur's time, that won't stay either! I am still eager to see what colour his "real" hair will be! His eyelashes and eyebrows have got a lot darker, but they still aren't as dark as Arthur's were as a newborn even, so I'm sure he'll have fairer hair than Arthur. I am not sure about the red any more though. I'll just have to wait and see! His eyes are bluer than ever though :)

I took Matthew to the baby clinic the day before yesterday to have him weighed, because his weight had been dropping down on the percentile chart - just a tiny bit each time, but still. He was at the 50th percentile at birth and for the next few weeks, and then he went down to the 25th and was juuust below that at the following appt. On Friday he weighed 12lbs 5oz, which puts him at about the 20th percentile. Hmmm. I had them measure his length too and he is 59cm, which also puts him just under the 25th percentile, so it seems he is well in proportion for his weight at least. They told me not to worry, and I know I shouldn't, and even MORE I know not to compare siblings! But it keeps sneaking into my head all the same somehow! Arthur was 14lbs 3oz at the exact same age that Matthew is now!!! He gained sooooo differently to Matthew, and seemed to be a completely different body shape too. We all think Matthew looks long and lean, and the Health Visitor commented that he looked "tall" the moment she saw him, but we were both surprised that he isn't really, being only at the 25th percentile. He's just a littley!

Anyway, she said Matthew looks healthy and happy. She asked about his feeds and his poo and wee, etc, and whether he seemed happy, or hungry a lot. I told her he has plenty of wet and pooey nappies, seems happy except when he's not (if that makes sense!), and seems annoyed at me offering him the breast too often! He seems to like his milk in nice set meals rather than snacks or third helpings, like Arthur did! Arthur would sometimes change sides (breasts, that is) SEVEN times in one feed, hehehe! Lil piggy ;) Matthew rarely wants the second breast, but I offer it to him anyway. He makes a screwed up face and grimaces so that his mouth won't let the nipple in! He is easily satisfied with one breast. I worry that he's not getting enough, especially since he gets what he wants in a matter of a few minutes, but I can't seem to interest him in any more than that. He gets very fussy at the breast if I offer him milk more often than say 3 hourly, but it's almost a relief these last two days to notice that he must be having a growth spurt at LAST, because he's eagerly feeding every couple of hours and I even noticed a rare HUNGER cry from him today when I was changing his nappy! He never cries from being hungry. I have had to stop breastfeeding him in the E.A.S.Y. pattern from the Baby Whisperer, because it specifies that you feed your baby when they wake up. Matthew's naps have been getting a bit rubbish lately. He will only nap for reeeally short periods of time, like 30 minutes, but then he's tired again after an hour or two. So if I feed him that frequently he just gets cross and won't take much of a feed at ANY point. So I've had to stop doing the E.A.S.Y. routine because of that. I need him to take longer naps.

I am working on that though. I finally got soooo frustrated a few days ago, with his short naps. They leave him cranky and unrefreshed, and eventually after a few short naps, he spends the last 2 hours before Neil gets home from work, crying inconsolably and I am finding that so difficult with Arthur at his most hyper/demanding at the same time of day too. And me at my tiredest. Also it never gives me much time with Arthur one-to-one (or to myself) if he only naps for 30 minutes at a time. I am up and downstairs with him like a yo-yo. On the rare, seemingly fluke occasion that he takes a 2-3 hour nap, he is just the HAPPIEST baby in the whole world and the end of the day is peacefully and much easier with him till Neil gets home. So I know he NEEDS those longer naps.

At the end of the week one day, he got up at 7.30am, napped at 10am for a grand total of 15 minutes and woke up VERY cross. I managed to get him back to sleep after an HOUR, but he only slept 30 minutes before waking again all cross and grumpy. I was so fed up and tired and irritable that I admit I kind of stormed up the stairs to his cotbed, thinking, "You are GOING back to sleep!" I picked him up and breastfed him, burped him, double-checked his nappy, made sure his clothes were comfy, and then put him back down in the cot on his tummy. He cried big time, but I didn't leave him. I stayed and whomped him on the bum with my hand so that he wobbled slightly with each pat. That used to work when he was very new, but it stopped working after a while. So anyway, I just told him it was sleepy time and that Mummy was still here, but kept patting even though he kept crying. I guess I was in the kind of mood where I was determined to see it through because I didn't stop. He cried for maybe 10 minutes with me patting him like that and occasionally telling him it was sleepy time. I figured after 10 minutes I should pick him up and try to comfort him and then put him back down again. But he started to put his cheek on the mattress and seemed sleepy with his crying, and after a while I stopped patting and he went back to sleep. He woke 2 minutes later and cried, and I patted again, and he dozed off. He woke again after another 3 minutes and I did the same thing, and he was back to sleep again quickly.

I felt really relieved about it, though I can't believe I actually did something with one of my babies' sleep that meant them crying! You know how totally against that idea I was when Arthur was tiny! I can't tell you how much it CHANGES when you have two children to juggle and you just get to the point where you know you have to do something to keep the family routine from falling apart! It's so much more important when there's more than one child in the equation. Plus, my sanity.... When his naps got shorter and shorter, I felt sort of gripped by a weird panic (!!) because I remember Arthur's naps being short and random and how things NEVER GOT BETTER, and how awfully hard that has been over these last couple of years. I suddenly felt resolved to make sure that didn't happen again with this little one, because I KNOW I just can't go through that again. And I also know from experience that it gets harder to get things "fixed" the older the baby gets. So there you go.

Anyway. Matthew then napped for the next 3.5 HOURS without stirring!!!!! Yikes! I lost track of the time - Arthur and I were doing playdough and drawing and Duplo and loooads of stuff, and before I knew it, it was nearly Arthur's tea time and I hadn't woken Matthew yet! He was the smiliest, chattiest boy in the world for the next hour and a half and still went to bed beautifully at his normal bedtime. So I have been trying to lengthen his naps using that method since then. He does cry a lot and I haven't got the same strength of determination this weekend that I did during the week. I just can't bear him crying for too long, even though I'm there patting him and saying soothing stuff. But when I HAVE stuck it out, he has gone back to sleep and slept soundly for at least an hour, sometimes an hour and a half, so that's great. He really needs that sleep.

His night sleep is going well! I haven't been turning him onto his back after I go to bed, which makes me mighty nervous so I lay my hands on him and pray over him before I get in bed to go to sleep. He goes to sleep for the night between 6.30pm and 7.30pm at the moment, depending on when his last nap was (and thus how tired he is by 6 or 7pm). Two nights ago when I left him on his tummy, he woke up for the FIRST time at nearly 4am!!!! He had a huge feed and then woke again at 6.45am for the day. Last night the same thing happened and he woke at 4.30am and then 6.15 for the day. I'd be despairing over the 6am wakings if it weren't for the fact that Arthur also wakes before 7am and Neil is already up with him, so I just feed Matthew in bed and take him downstairs to Neil, and then retreat back to bed till 8am when Neil goes to work! I am sooooooooo grateful for that!

So the nights are getting better :) I keep on going to bed too late though, which is really silly because I'm so tired and Matthew is letting me get a bit more sleep if only I'd take hold of the opportunity. Tsk.

Let's see, what else? Matthew is stirring - uh oh... Of course he'll wake now (at 11.40pm), because I've just said that he doesn't wake till 4am, haha. Oh my gosh, he really IS waking! Well I never. Okay I'll have to finish this another time. I have photos and more about what Matthew has been doing lately! Back tomorrow, maybe?

It's late...

Wow, what a weeeird feeling - it's 5.15pm and BOTH boys are awake and active, and yet I am sitting at the computer writing a diary entry! I don't think that has ever happened before! It's Saturday though so Neil is home, and I feel like I am slowwwly losing my sanity for desperate want of some time to myself, so after a brief snappy moment with Neil (which I HATE having happened in front of the boys), he sent me off upstairs to do something on my own for a bit. Matthew is happy at the moment in his bouncy chair with the Kick and Play music playing on the toy bar. Arthur is about to eat his tea, so here I am.

Lately I just feel so DEMANDED OF all the time, and that is okay because it comes as a norm with having two children under the age of two. But I feel like I have had absolutely no respite so far. We have no help, no family around, and the weekends are absolutely swallowed up by me trying to get a bit more sleep during the day to catch up on the HUGE sleep-debt that has been building for nearly 2 years. But that doesn't ever work because the little ones need me for something every hour it seems. One of them wants to be breastfed (and I know I'm probably crazy but I just have a "thing" about only feeding them snuggled up to my body (ie not from a bottle of expressed milk - I don't even have the equipment at home for that - and that's that), or somebody needs settling for a nap, or it's ME who is needing something, like a wee or some food or whatever. The result seems to be that every weekend I spend most of Saturday trying to catch up on sleep and end up getting about 90 minutes of broken sleep somehow, over the course of the whole morning and half the afternoon! Sunday is depressing because it's the last day of the weekend and then the week begins again. Urgh. I am just beginning to CRAVE some alone time.

It's not as bad as I'm making sound though, honestly! I love my lil beanie boys and I have had some GREAT days lately where I just feel like I'm managing wonderfully and LOVING this stage of parenting like nothing else. Even after an exhausting day full of tantrums and sleep-deficient boys and food refusal, etc, which has come on top of a night where I only got a broken 3.5 hours sleep, I STILL have felt wonderful about what I'm doing. But then on the other hand, I still have some days where I just want to run and hide and not be responsible for anybody or demanded of in any way! I guess today is a bit like one of those days.

Anyway.

On Thursday I went for my blood test. Neil arranged for a gardener to come round while I went to the appt to assess our hideously overgrown garden and give us a quote for them to fix it up so that it's suitable for two little boys to tumble about in. So he took a long lunch-break from work and watched the boys while I went to my appt, and that way he was home to see the gardener. I am SO excited about finally getting the garden sorted! The house is the other issue, and we are also looking at companies who will just come round an BLITZ your house and help you with decluttering and everything. It's beyond our own means now, seriously.

I feel ashamed to say it, but my stomach ulcer has come in handy in some ways. It's awful to think I sort of used it as a bargaining tool (!!), but Neil told me I need to find some ways of de-stressing once I got diagnosed with it. Which is TRUE, I do need to. But other than the stresses and strains of the stage of parenting that I'm at, the BIG stresses for me at the moment are the garden and the house. For MONTHS I have been nagging poor Neil to get someone to come and fix them, because I have honestly been finding it soooooo depressing to spend all my hours in such a revoltingly dirty and cluttered house. It's really stressy to be in, and then some days I am too exhausted to take Arthur and Matthew out and Arthur is climbing the walls and I WISH I had a nice garden for a toddler to run about in and burn off some energy. Since before Matthew was born, I have been asking Neil if we can perhaps get some help in to sort those things out. But he has this big "must do it myself" issue going on, and we've had countless arguments over the summer about how it's never going to happen, and if it DOES happen it means that Neil will have to take serious amounts of time off work just to tackle it all, and that will mean he is wasting holiday time on the house and garden, and will still be too busy to spend time with me and the boys. But he STILL insisted on doing it himself, despite me pointing this out, saying it was something he just had to do himself. Urgh.

Anyway so when he said I needed to de-stress, I told him that I couldn't think of any way to make the bringing-up-the-boys thing less stressful, or how to find time in the 24 hour day for some de-stress time for myself, any more than I already do. BUT, the house and the garden were stressing me out hugely and having those off my back would make a big difference! ;) The very next day, he called a gardener and arranged for her to come round :) When he told me, I nearly cried with relief and I made sure I thanked him over and over, because it really does mean THAT much to me to get it fixed. So, yay! I hope we can afford it. We still don't have the quote yet.

I have been taking my medication for 5 days and the first two days I felt really scared because I was in more pain than ever for some reason. But it's getting a little better now. The pain between my shoulder blades and in my chest has gone, which is a BIG relief, and my stomach pain isn't so constant. I did notice that if I bring my knees up to my chest I get a sudden pain like someone is holding a fork into my stomach from underneath it, and it takes ages to ease off after I put my knees down again (which, obviously, I do right away!). It's such a sharp and specific pain, that I feel pretty sure it's an ulcer rather than gastritis. The doctor seemed to think that too. Grrreat. I remember in my teens wondering whether I'd ever have an ulcer one day - what an odd thing to wonder! But I have always been so stressy, and have always felt my stress in my stomach more than the rest of my family did, so I wondered if I might be more prone than most? But it still might be due to the Helicobacter Pylori. I have to wait till the middle/end of next week to phone for the blood test results.

Thanks Valerie and Mallory for your comments about it! And thanks for the advice, Valerie, about the acidophilis. I have taken a really good multi-billion dophilis formula in the past so I'll look for that again, if I do end up on those horrible antibiotics! Yeurgh!

Oops, it's now 6 hours later! Neil called me to get Matthew's night nappy and stuff together while he cleaned Arthur up after his tea, so I went down and then we did the whole bedtime thing and ate dinner and watched Ice Age, and then I uploaded photos from my camera, and NOW it's too late to write any more. So it's a bit of an unexciting entry, but oh well. I'll have to write some more tomorrow. I really wanted to write an entry about Matthew, because I feel like he's changing so fast and I haven't been writing about him much lately. I don't want to forget it all, and I will hate it in a year or so when I look back and don't really see much record of anything from this stage. There is LOADS to say, so I'll try to get it done soon! And photos, but not as many as I thought I would have. I need to take more photos of my lovely boys!

Also I am "doing things" with both the boys' sleep, and I want to write about that too. But, no time. Matthew is stirring a bit and it's nearly midnight, urgh. But first of all, here's Arthur pulling a hairband out of his hair (hence the blurriness!). He looked sooooo pretty with his hair all tied up in a little sprig on top, hehe! It's getting soooo long again, and he found my hairband and after trying to put it in MY hair, he wanted me to put it in his, and stood patiently while I did it! He had cute little curls turning up all the way around at the sides and the back of his hair, and this sweet little sprig on top - oh, he looked soooo pretty! ;) Anyway, he was pretty fast at pulling it out the INSTANT I got the camera, but oh well! Here he is:

And here they are watching Monsters Inc, haha! Arthur ADORES this movie, I think he must have watched it about 50 thousand times already. He asks for it several times a DAY, but of course we never let him watch it THAT often! It is an absolute lifesaver when I have to settle Matthew upstairs or when Arthur is about to throw a mega tantrum or something. Or if I'm just too knackered to move for a while! I have discovered that Matthew seems to love the movement and colour of the TV and if he's crying and crying and I really need to pee or get some lunch or put the wet laundry in the tumble dryer, I can put him in his bouncy chair in front of the TV and he'll be calm and intrigued by it for a while. I hate that my VERY young children sit and watch TV like this! But gosh I need it sometimes, just to get a moment to do something, or to divert a meltdown, etc.

Anyway, Arthur is so sweet on the few occasions I have sat Matthew in front of the TV in his bouncy chair. He sits right up close to him (usually on his potty!) and when I come back from the loo or the kitchen, I find him gently bouncing the chair with his hand on the back of it, while they both watch. If Matthew is crying in the chair, Arthur tries to unclip the harness and get him out. He doesn't like me to leave him there too long! Anyway here are a couple of photos of them:

And my latest favourites of my boys together - Matthew was lying on a floor mat on his tummy, looking at some bright toys, and Arthur insisted on lying next to him (which he does a LOT). I took a couple of photos:

My sweet little boys! :)

Okay, getting too late, must go. I'll try to update again tomorrow. We're hoping to attempt to go to church (only the second time since Matthew was born!) so I had better get to bed, otherwise our chances of making it there will get smaller and smaller. I am suddenly really hungry though, so I think I'll have to eat something before I can sleep. And Matthew is due to wake any time soon for a feed. Back soon!

Stomachy issues, and LOVING Matthew!

It's after midnight but oh well. I am feeling really anxious tonight. I went to the doctor today and she suspects that I have a stomach ulcer. Either that or gastritis. I have to take acid suppressants for a month, but in the mean time I need a blood test for Helicobacter Pylori, to see if I have that bacteria in my stomach which might be causing the ulcer/gastritis. If it's positive then I have to take a yucky course of treatment. Grandoug tested positive for Helicobacter in his stomach a couple of years ago and had that course of treatment and it wasn't much fun. It's two different antibiotics plus the acid suppressant, and he felt very unwell during the treatment and had "shocking diarrhoea" for a couple of weeks, urgh. Apparently that's very common. How fun.

I just hope and pray that it ISN'T Helicobacter Pylori. The doctor said the other reason I might have an ulcer or gastritis would be high stress levels sustained over a long period of time, together with inconsistent nutrition or very irregular meals. Sounds EXACTLY like me for the last 2-3 months! So maybe it is that and not the bacterial thing. I need to take the acid suppressants to allow my stomach lining to heal.

I have been googling Helicobacter Pylori and all that stuff, and it's nothing to WORRY about, but I just feel so anxious today. My stomach hurts more every day at the moment, and today and yesterday I haven't had much appetite. My whole ribcage aches and it bores right through to the middle of my shoulder blades.

But anyway, thank GOODNESS it isn't anything more serious, like anything to do with my heart or gallbladder! I need to count my blessings. But I feel small and scared all the same.

Arthur had an appt right after mine, and I asked the doctor about how he bangs his head SO hard on things. He whacks it on the floor as hard as I can hit with a HAMMER, I kid you not. It's not in anger or tantrum-ness, it's as though something is physically driving him CRAZY. He sometimes bangs his forehead and other times it's all focused on his nose. He also presses and rubs his nose vigorously a lot, so I wondered if he might have an allergy or something. He doesn't sneeze a lot or have a runny nose though. The doctor looked in his nose and said it looked a little red inside, so she is giving me a course of antihistamines for him to take for a week. If they fix it, it's allergy. If they don't, it's not. She did note that he seems to be teething quite badly right now (as he always seems to be!) and told me that when little ones teethe, their gums can tingle and prickle, and in some children, that sensation gets transfused through the nasal cavity and the forehead. So it might just be that sensation that's driving him crazy and making him want to pull his own head off! Poor Arthur, either way!

So that's today. Matthew has cried ANGRILY for hours today. I don't know what's up. I hope I don't have to take alllll those drugs. They are allegedly safe for breastfeeding mothers, but they are still gonna get to him in some form, and I don't want him to have to "get" them.

I am enormously in love with Matthew lately. I mean, Arthur too, of COURSE, but ohhhh my Matthew! He seems just that little bit more vulnerable than Arthur, perhaps just because he's a tiny baby, but mainly I suspect because he's a more vulnerable personality. My heart just scrunches for him all the time and I want to hold him close and snuggle him and kiss him constantly. I love leaning over the cot when he's sleeping in there and just breeeeathing in his smell. I don't love Arthur any less than Matthew. I just have this INTENSITY of the love I have for Matthew right now. My milk lets down just saying his name (seriously) during the evening when I'm downstairs chatting with Neil. I just almost feel suffocated with how much I love Matthew right now. Not in a bad way (which it might sound like with the word suffocated!). Just... WOW. Big love. It has almost been exactly a year since he was conceived. Yesterday I went back through my diaries and read all my thoughts and stuff from around that time, this time last year. We weren't even trying, and we had decided to wait after a chemical pregnancy the cycle before. I kept changing my mind, because I was so excited to have another baby (but then, also completely petrified!). Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my goodness, I am just SO glad that my hormones made me get all in the mood and that thunderstormy evening led to the oopsie that made Matthew! So so so so so glad. He's such a miracle. Such a treasure. I love him so much!

And my sweet Arthur :) All his new words today and yesterday have been two-syllable ones, I have just noticed. Circle, hairband, pattern, downstairs, piglet... I can't think of any others off the top of my head. Ohhh I mustn't get into "mega update" mode!! It's too late. I have to go to bed, but I'll try to do another update soon. I have a few photos waiting to be posted so I'll try to post them soon.

Waffly stuff

Thank you for the comments after my last entry!!! I was SO excited to see comments in my new comments box! :)

As always I'll start by saying that I don't have any time to write, blah blah blah - I really don't, but somehow I always end up writing for HOURS anyway! It's already 10.50pm so I'd be reeeeally daft if I did that tonight. I guess I have photos somewhere, but I don't think there are any new ones uploaded from the camera yet. I just ate dinner and Neil is watching a DVD that he likes (and I don't) and I was just scaring myself googling "pain between shoulder blades", so I figured I should stop doing that and maybe luxuriate in an actual WAFFLY diary entry - the kind where you just let your brain flow through your fingers as they type, without anything prepared in advance. I LOVE writing like that! It's why I even STARTED writing diaries. But lately I'm always playing catch-up with news and photos about my sweetie-boys. Which is so much fun and something I prefer to do anyway, but I do still miss letting my thoughts run out onto the keyboard.

I have some weird pain at the moment which has been bothering me for a few days. I am pretty sure it's just indigestion, but something about it is nagging at the back of my mind and worrying me, so I got to googling (never a very good idea!). I have a horrid dragging ache under my ribcage and just feel really bloated and indigestiony. But lately I have had a pretty bad pain in between my shoulder blades, and it doesn't feel muscular. Something kept on nagging in my mind from my nursing studies, about referred pain, but from WHAT? So I googled, and found that I could be having a heart attack and should be calling my doctor RIGHT AWAY! Yikes! But then again, I strolled around the supermarket only a couple of hours ago and didn't fall over, and I am pretty healthy and still young, so I'm pretty sure it's not that. Then, it could be gallbladder trouble or an ulcer. Urgh, I really shouldn't google! It's probably just indigestion and some weirdo shoulder thing, being all coincidental with each other. I think I will go to see my doctor on Monday anyway. The indigestion is bothering me, and the shoulder blade pain much more so, and I have been having bad headaches that last a few days at a time recently too, so it would probably be a good idea to run those things past her. Now that I have little ones, I feel so much more anxious about my wellbeing. I go straight to "Ohhh, I hope it's nothing that will require medication that will mean I have to stop breastfeeding my little ones!", and then a split second later I'm right at, "Oh my gosh, I hope I don't DIE! I mustn't die, I mustn't die, please God don't let me die! My baby boys need their mummy!"

Am I crazy? I just seem so easily thrown into panic about something happening to me so that I can't be there for my boys. I HAVE to be there for my boys. They need me. It breaks my heart to even think for a second of them losing me. I find myself praying many nights in bed that God will not take me or Neil from them while they're growing up. Everything in me wants to protect them from anything that could be an emotional struggle while they are children. Or EVER, really, but especially while they're growing up. My sweet boys. I love them so much.

I also find that I am frequently anxious (especially at night, again) about losing one or both of them. I can't FATHOM how anyone could have children and one day lose one of them, and not just totally die from the pain of it. This is the first time that I have ever realised that the intense maternal love I felt for Cameron was not the same as the love I feel for my own children. Even when Arthur was a baby, I felt that I loved Cameron just as much as Arthur (which was really saying something!), so I guessed I must have loved him as my own, like I had thought all along. The bottom fell out of my world for a long while after he died, but I still survived and I'm still here and happy and seeing life normally, etc. I am beginning to feel like I love Matthew and Arthur even MORE intensely than I loved Cameron. But maybe the memory of how intensely I loved Cam while he was still around is fading, that's all? Or maybe my capacity to love grew since Cam was alive, and now I can love more, so I DO - more than I ever loved Cam? Anyway, the long and short of it is that I feel like I could not live if Matthew or Arthur died. I mean, physically, not emotionally. Like as if you removed my windpipe so that I could no longer breathe, that kind of thing.

Yesterday I was standing in the porch and I had a random moment of achiness, of just MISSING Cameron. I don't get those so often now, and they always make me wonder why when I get them. It has only just occurred to me that it's now September, the month that he died 3 years ago. So that's probably why then. It's so weird how something in me just picks up on the subtle vibe of the time of year, even when the weather isn't the same as it was that September or anything. I can't imagine him if he were still alive any more - he would be 14. An adolescent. Since he was never meant to be more than a child, it makes it impossible to imagine. And I don't think I even want to. I am starting to forget things about him, the way he looked and his mannerisms and things. That's scary when that kind of thing happens. He used to feel like part of my very being, body and soul, and now I am forgetting exactly what he LOOKED like. I don't like that feeling.

Urgh. I didn't plan to write like this!

Anyway, my precious boys. I get anxious about losing them lately. I don't know if that's just normal or if I'm getting a bit over-the-top about it, hmmm. Matthew sleeps on his tummy from bedtime until his first waking, and sometimes we remember to turn him onto his back during the evening, but it we forget then he'll wake when we turn him at our bedtime. So sometimes I want to just let him sleep and I leave him on his tummy. I feel absolutely WEIGHED DOWN with guilt over that, and fear that he won't ever wake up as a result. I should just turn him and be done with it, but he sleeps so peacefully and well if I leave him to sleep till he wakes naturally, and he ALWAYS wakes when I turn him at bedtime. Sometimes I lie in my bed next to his cotbed and just can't sleep until he wakes anyway. I try not to worry and to relax and go to sleep but I just can't. Other times lately I have been laying my hands on him as he sleeps and praying that God will protect him and keep him breathing and safe and alive, and just try to give my anxiety over it to God. Last night I did that and he slept from 8pm to 4.30am - his longest stretch yet!!! But all on his tummy. I still feel anxious about that.

I feel like.... my boys are my LIFE. I don't know if that's how it SHOULD be. I know God should be Lord of my life way more than I let him be. He should be the most important thing in my whole life. And somewhere under the clutter, he is, really he is. I love my God. I have been neglecting my relationship with him terribly these last couple of years, but I LOVE him so. I feel like my life is like a house - Jesus is my foundation, and my family are my walls. Neil, my husband, is my roof over my head. I NEED all those parts and would struggle terribly without them, I wouldn't be complete. But the house is empty without my children. My children FILL the house. If I lost them I would just be empty, empty, empty. I get scared about that happening. I really don't like how anxious I am in life. I should give it all to God more, but I struggle with that soooo much.

This is such an anxious entry! I think I will waffle about something else. Hmmm.... I can't think of anything else! That's crazy! It's 11.20pm, I should go to bed. Oh, I know! I must have a billion little things to share that Arthur did or said lately! Those always fill me with joy and will be a GREAT way to finish this rather morbid entry!

Arthur's rate of picking up new words is increasing every day. I think he must be saying about 10 new words every day at the moment, roughly. He is combining two words together a lot more just in the last 48 hours too. Mostly his name and another word, to tell me he wants something or he's doing something, etc.

Did I tell you that he has REALLY taken to Monkey (his favourite stuffed toy) lately? He has never really had an attachment as such, to any toy or blanket. His comfort thing has always been the breast instead. But lately he is mimicking everything I am doing with Matthew, with Monkey! It's the sweetest thing! It started a couple of weeks ago when he wanted soooo badly to help me "bup" Matthew but he was patting a bit too hard and Matthew was squirming so I told him he couldn't help me right at that moment. He got frustrated and then suddenly fetched Monkey and said, "Bup!" with great delight, and started patting Monkey soooo carefully on the back, just exactly as I was doing it to Matthew! Since then, his caring duties towards Monkey have expanded and become more detailed. He puts Monkey on the changing mat and says, "Taynge!" (change) and then leans riiight over him so that his nose is hovering above Monkey's tummy. He sniffs for a moment, wafting his face back and forth over Monkey, and then straightens up and declares, "Poo-poo!" Then he needs wipes to clean Monkey, and I help him with the velcro fastenings on one of the Very Baby fitted nappies that I made for Matthew in the teeny tiny newborn size. It is now Monkey's nappy, officially! It's a little bit big on Monkey but it definitely fits him. I also gave Arthur a tiny baby popper vest with Winnie the Pooh on it, which NONE of my babies are ever going to fit in unless they come early! It fits Monkey generously :) After Monkey is changed, Arthur puts him in the bouncy chair and takes GREAT pains over clipping him into the harness, which is quite difficult for his little fingers, but he works and works at it until Monkey is clipped in. Then he stands by the chair with his foot on the side of the seat and his hand on the back, "rocking" the bouncy chair with his foot! He sees me rock the chair with Matthew in it, with my foot all the time, so he tries really hard to mimic me doing that. It's impossible for him to do it the way I do though, because he's too little, so he has to stand and almost fall into the chair as he tries to rock it standing on one leg! After he has rocked for a few seconds, he suddenly whispers, "Oh!" and then puts his finger on his nose and says, "Ssss!" - soooo cute! I LOVE how he puts his finger on his nose instead of his lips to "shh" me because Monkey is asleep! It's exactly what I do if Matthew is cranky and tired but he won't go to sleep - I rock him in the chair and when he is dozing off, I say to Arthur, "Oh! Matthew's asleep!" and then I put my finger to my lips and say, "Shhh..." and then I tell Arthur that Mummy is going to take Matthew upstairs and put him in his cot because he's asleep. I guess I do it exactly the same way every time, though I don't mean to be so precise! Anyway, it's so sweet to see Arthur trying so hard to do exactly as he sees me doing with Matthew. Right after Monkey is "asleep" in the bouncy chair, he takes him out and goes to the stairgate with him, gesturing to me that he wants to take Monkey upstairs. If I take him up, he is so excited as he climbs the stairs! He says "Ssss!" several times on the way up, reminding me that Monkey is still asleep. He runs straight to Matthew's cotbed and pops Monkey in, and then looks at me and whispers, "Ohhh....Ssss!" with his finger on his nose :) My cute lil boy!

I do this thing with Matthew that makes him smile reeeeally big. I take both his tiny hands in mine, and I say, "Buh... buh... buh... buh... BOOGIEEEE!" With the first "buh", I pat both his hands on his tummy, and then a big higher with each "buh" sound until they're at his shoulders and then I wiggly-shake his whole body at the shoulders with his arms as I say, "BOOGIEEEE!" I don't know where it came from - I just started doing it one day :) Anyway, the other day Arthur was playing happily with his toys and chatting away to himself, and suddenly I heard, "Bap... bap... BOOBIEEE!" hehehe! I looked and he was bopping Monkeys hands with his own, up Monkey's tummy as he said "Bap... bap..." He was too busy grinning at the word "BOOBIEEE!" to remember to shake Monkey's body! It was sooooooo sweet, seriously. He has done that quite a few times since, and he has also done it with a teddy bear he found in his basket today too :)

I keep thinking how sweet he is being with Monkey, but right after a particularly tender loving moment, he is still a bit prone to squashing Monkey as hard as he can into his potty and then sitting down hard on him! Or positioning Monkey JUST SO on the carpet, getting on his car and DRIVING OVER poor Monkey for kicks!!! I am a little confused by his mixed messages, hehe! But he's a sweetie :)

Okay Arthur just woke calling "Mumma! Muuuummaaa!" so I went in and he was asleep on his front with his legs all curled up under him. I lay my hand on his back and covered him up with his duvet, and he didn't stir, so I guess he was dreaming. I sat with him a while in case he was going to stir again and want me, and then I bent down and kissed his sweet face and left him to sleep. I can NOT get over how blessed I am to be a mummy, and more especially, mummy to TWO such sweet and precious little boys!!! I drove to the supermarket this evening for a rare luxurious trip to do something on my own, after I had put the little ones to bed with Neil. I missed them the INSTANT I pulled off the driveway and every road further away I drove, my heart tugged more for them. But I drove beaming from ear to ear with joy over how lucky I feel, how blessed I am, and how excited I am to finally be a real life MUMMY!!! I keep thinking back to my teens when life felt so boring and empty and like I was just having to pass time WAITING to get to the bit where I got to have children. It's all I wanted. Sometimes it felt like it would NEVER happen, but here I am, and I'm so proud! So proud of what I've achieved - two little boys, grown inside my body and pushed out by moi, nursed at my breasts and held in my arms, and *I* am MUMMY, the person they most love and want to be around in their whole lives so far! I can't imagine anything more wonderful, except to be Mummy like this to even more children! :) So proud of what I've accomplished just today, or last week, or last month: two children under two and managing life with some sense of normality and a cheerful heart! So proud of my boys themselves, of the sweet little people that they are, of how cute and smart and funny and gentle and handsome they are, and of how much joy they bring to so many other people's lives as well as my own. And sooooooooooooooooooooo thankful to God for bringing it all about. I just feel BOWLED OVER with how blessed I am and how much I love my baby boys. I am getting more and more magic moments these days, where I just feel so happy with my situation that I wish I could freeze time for a moment and capture it forever. It's still hard work and I still lose my temper sometimes or don't know how I'll ever get through the day, but I am having soooo many more occasions where I LOVE LOVE LOVE where I'm at and I look at my kids and think, "Can it GET any better than this?!" Then I just want to POP because I know the answer is, "Yes, it can, just you wait and see!"

Yet more photos, counting, and waffly stuff

Just a relatively quick update to say, YAY!! - I just signed up with Haloscan.com since Signmyguestbook.crap seems to be so useless lately, and I finally have one of those comments box thingies that I have seen on so many of my friends' diaries!! Yay! I even got to fiddle with the template so it matches my diary and has a photo of Arthur-Boo in it, so I'm all happy happy now! :) Please use my comments box if you have trouble with my guestbook (or just because it's more fun!) - I've made a link to click on up there on the left, under "leave me a note". Just click on "comments" and the box will pop up :) Yay! I reeeally need to update the photo up there - it's Arthur when he was about 5 months old, and that seems sooooooooooo out of date now that I have another baby boy who is only just over 2 months behind that age now! How crazy. But I'm waiting for the "perfect" photo of the two of them, both wearing sweet expressions, and preferably on the sofa because the colour of our sofa happens to match the colour of this diary (and I'm picky like that, hehe!). So far I have plenty of photos building up, of my two sweeties together, and some on the sofa too, but they mostly come out GREAT for one of them and really NOT great for the other, or not-so-good of both of them! I need to keep on taking photos. I'm such a perfectionist over the photo that will be the one everybody sees when they come to my diary. It has to say PROUDLY, "These are my BOYS!!!" so I want to do them both justice with the photo. Still working on it!

So far here are some recent photos of my sweet lil men :)

The above photos were taken when Matthew was 7 weeks old, so not very recent now, but even though they didn't come out great for both boys, I love them because it looks like Arthur was whispering something to Matthew which upset him hugely, and Arthur was utterly gleeful over his mischievousness, hehe!

Here are two more from around the same time - these were the last two of about fifty million that I took of them because Matthew was wearing an outfit that was a gift from a sweet lady who is one of my parents' neighbours in their village in France. I wanted to take a good photo of him wearing it so my parents could give it to her, so I dressed the poor boy up and snapped a billion photos. Of course he got fed up SUPER fast. Arthur, however, has always loved having his photo taken, and when Matthew finally went into meltdown over the whole tedious session, Arthur almost scooped him right up in the big hug he gave him, as though he was trying to make him feel better about it! I took a (blurry) photo of that, but I wish I had caught in on the camcorder, because he was being SO sweet with Matthew. Eventually he gave up and just beamed good-naturedly for the last photo while Matthew bawled next to him, hehe! Anyway, here are the photos:

And here are a couple that I took of the boys last week, first thing in the morning when they were both still wearing their sleepsuits - my little sweeties!

Look at those boys - they are so different! They LOOK so different, but also their personalities really are so different. Arthur is so cheery and laid-back, and Matthew is quite an anxious little person - you can see it in the photos. He is easily nervous about things. He gets that from me. I have always been a super-anxious person, it's the thing I struggle the hardest with. I'm sad that Matthew has inherited that tendency from me (my mother is just the same, as was her father), but thankful that he has an absolutely wonderful older brother to look after him in Arthur, as he is so easy-going and confident and has no anxious tendencies at ALL. Also he LOVES Matthew so much. And at least Matthew has a Mummy who totally understands how he feels. *sigh*

However, when his anxious side isn't getting on top of him, Matthew seems a very calm and happy baby, which is lovely. He has such a gentle nature, I think I mentioned it already, either here or in my pregnancy diary. He LOVES to talk. He would rather talk than eat. Did I say that last entry already? I forget what I've already said here from entry to entry! He also has a tendency to get mighty upset if I am not looking RIGHT into his eyes while he's "talking" to me, even if I break his gaze for a SECOND to acknowledge something Arthur is doing! He starts to cry right away, and I have to work a little to "chat" him back to contentment again! Unfortunately, this is also a trait he has picked up from me. *sigh* I could talk the hind legs off a donkey. I hate it when someone isn't paying me their absolutely undivided attention for the whole 10 hours that my "about my day" talk lasts!! ;) Neil is very patient with me. My dad is the same way as me (my mummy is patient too!). He gets it from his mother. Poor Matthew with his anxiety and chatterbox-ness! I hope he isn't colour blind as well. Arthur isn't, so perhaps I haven't inherited the gene and I'm not even carrying it to pass on to my boys, but then again maybe I AM and Arthur got lucky. I hope Matthew misses it too. If I am a carrier (and I have a 50/50 chance of being one, since my mum is a carrier and my brother is colour blind), any sons that I have will each have a 50/50 chance of being colour blind. Or not. Arthur definitely isn't - his colours are so clear and he can tell me them so well that I know he is seeing red and green easily and not mixing them up like my brother does. I have a while to wait before I can tell if Matthew is okay or not.

Anyway, here are a couple of photos of my sweet lil Matthew being happy with Daddy:

Neil is blowing raspberries at him. Matthew LOVES raspberries - they are his favourite noise in the whole world, and he smiles enormously and his little eyes light up when you parple your lips or blow raspberries with your tongue! He worked and worked for a couple of days at copying us when we did it, and now he can blow his own raspberries with his tongue! He doesn't stick his tongue out very far though, but he makes the appropriate noise, which is the enjoyable part, apparently! He blows bubbles too, which I don't remember Arthur ever doing, and he drools like crazy all the time. He is teething a lot today. He has a nappy rash and is fussing more, and he is biting his fingers so that they are going all red and puffy. I gave him the knuckle of my little finger to bite this afternoon and he bit and bit and bit for 5 minutes straight. I gave him a teething ring and he chewed that for a while, but he's too little to hold it and co-ordinate it to his own mouth yet so in the end it was easier on my arm to just give him my knuckle to bite rather than hold a teething ring at the right angle for half an hour! Poor Mathie.

Mathie is what I seem to call him a lot lately. Nobody else does, just me. I call Arthur, Arthie a lot too. I guess I am one of those people who finds it impossible to avoid shortening names to cutesify them or something! Matthew's nickname from me seems to have turned into Mathie-Moo, or even Mathie-Moo-Moblet (no idea why!) if I'm in the mood for a longer nickname! Poor Arthur has to put up with "Arthie-knees", hehehe! I think that must have arisen from a combination of his name and another of my odd affectionate nicknames for the boys - "sweet knees"! I have no idea why these things come out of my mouth, really I don't. I guess I am just weird! ;) Also both boys are lately known (by me) as "lamb" or "lambie", or even "lambie-lamb". It can get as bad as "lambie-lamb-lamb", and "lamb-lambie-lamb-lamb" has been known on occasion! Urgh, my poor children! ;)

Matthew REALLY loves mirrors at the moment. He gazes at himself for ages, as though he just doesn't understand, and then he starts talking to himself with a very serious expression, hehe! I hold him in front of the mirror in my arms for ages sometimes, and he smiles at me but looks rather serious about that other baby in there with me! On his playmat, there is a centre-piece that has a mirror dangling down, and he loves to stare at himself in that. He talks much more cheerfully to the baby in THAT mirror (the one that isn't hogging his mummy's arms!) and gives it all sorts of very cute shy looks and smiles. I got a couple of photos of him doing this at 8 weeks old. I wish I had more time to get photos of him that are as good as the ones I took of Arthur at his age, but I just don't get the chance now, with Arthur around as well. I still try though!

Wow, I think I am almost caught up with all the photos now, yay!!! I have one more from last week to post here, but I have some on the camera from the last few days to upload sometime too. Phew! So many photos, so little time!

We finally used the Mothercare vouchers that were given to us by the church to buy Matthew a Bumbo seat! I had heard about them when Arthur was a baby but I didn't want to buy things to put him down in. I wanted to hold him all the time and keep him close to me. I would like the same with Matthew really, except that it just doesn't seem to be physically possible with the second child when the first is still so little and so demanding of me. Unless I wore a sling of course, but my back hurts enough without wearing a sling these days, and anyway, slings aren't all that tandem-nursing-friendly. Matthew seems happy enough to be put down for short periods of time, but he does get really really upset after a short time and then sometimes I end up having to leave him crying while I attend to Arthur's meals or nappy changes or something or other. I HATE letting Matthew just sit/lie somewhere screaming his head off and getting himself so upset, but sometimes I just don't seem to have any choice. I hate that. Especially with Matthew being such an easily-anxious baby. He really seems to get upset, not angry. I wish I could hold him close to me more. I hope I'm not hurting his sensitive little soul in the process of all this :(

Anyway, but we bought a Bumbo seat. It's for 3-14 months, but his head control is very strong so we sat him in it and he did great! He enjoyed it because it let him look around and see everything clearly. But he gets tired of it quite quickly at the moment, and wants a change of scenery. Also the position means he is a bit scrunched over his tummy so he brings up more milk sitting there than anywhere else. But he seems to like it. I think he'll like it more as he gets older and can see further. He'll love watching Arthur play across the room before he is old enough to sit up by himself or mobilise. He LOVES watching Arthur, no matter what he's doing! He seems to really adore Arthur so far. I'm so thrilled that they love each other!

Here is Matthew in his new Bumbo seat last week:

See his completely straight feet?! I still marvel at them joyfully all the time, after what Arthur went through and how Matthew could so easily have inherited the same condition! Yay!

Of course, Arthur likes to squeeeeze himself into that Bumbo seat as often as he can too! He likes to share all of Matthew's things!

I am realising lately that Arthur understands some new things. He seems to know a lot of opposites now. He knows (and says, in the right contexts) hot and cold, high and low, and lately he has been running his hand up my arm to my shoulder while he's breastfeeding, and popping off the breast to say, "Up!" and then sliding it back down to my hand and saying, "Dowwwn!" He does this over and over and OVER, as though it is a fun game to him. Yesterday we were playing with playdough during one of Matthew's naps and there were some big pots and some little pots. I picked up a big pot and said, "Oh look Arthur! Here's a BIG pot!" His attention was immediately caught, so I picked up a small one and said, "And here's a SMALL pot!" I put them together and pointed to each one clearly as big and small. He got SO excited, bless him! He went through all the pots (we have a lot of empty playdough pots from old playdough that has long been thrown out) declaring excitedly whether they were big or small. I loved his enthusiastic pronounciation of those words as he tried them out for the first time - "Beeeb!" and "whshmooow" hehe! I LOVE the effort he puts into trying to make a sound. I don't think he has tried any words yet that start with "sm" and he had a really good go at it, ending up with a whooshing sound that merged into an "m" sound. So sweet! I try to describe them in my diary as accurately as I can because I don't ever want to forget exactly how they sounded.

Also I discovered today that Arthur can COUNT!!! Yikes! I have NEVER counted with him, and today we were choosing a clean nappy for him to wear (I have started involving him in this in an attempt to make nappy changes easier, and he likes to choose his own nappy), and I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing for me to start counting out the wipes as I take them off the shelf (yes, we finally put those darn shelves for the nappies up above the tumble dryer this weekend! They aren't finished yet though). I thought it would be good to start exposing him to counting, as he's getting old enough really, and he is so enthusiastic about learning new things in general. So I took them off slowly, and as I did, I counted "One....two.... three...." and Arthur suddenly piped up from the kitchen doorway, "Foh.... Fie.... Shhhheees.... Eh-wum.... Ay...." Oh my giddy crumpet! I said (well, nearly bellowed, such was my excitement!), "ARTHUR! You can count!" and he smiled at me and said, "Ny.... TAM!!!" I kid you not. The boy counted to ten right in front of me! I was sure Neil must have been counting with him, but when he got home I told him about it and he was as gobsmacked as me because he said he HAS been teaching Arthur counting, but he has only been saying, "One, two, three" with him so far. So where has he learned it? I can't understand it. We think it HAS to be the telly or something. There's just no other way he could have picked numbers up. Also he says "ten" with such pride and like it's the last number, so he MUST have seen examples of counting to ten on TV, otherwise surely he wouldn't say it like that? But again, I rarely leave him just WATCHING TV on his own, except when I have to go and settle Matthew to sleep upstairs, and I don't remember any obvious counting things from what he is watching.... But I guess there must be some that I'm missing. It really shows me how much he takes in, even when I think he isn't really paying much attention to something. He notices EVERYTHING lately.

Of course I tried to get him to count for me again twice over the next hour but he wasn't having any of it. He cheerfully chucked the ten balls I lay in front of him all over the room, and didn't respond at all another time I asked him about counting! ;) But later on he had two Duplo sheep (or "meep!" as Arthur calls them - he really hasn't got the hang of making the sounds of words that start with "sh" yet!) in his hands and I said let's count your sheep and then started off, "One...." and he said, "Too..... Fee.... Foh.... Iy.... Shheeess.... Em.... Ayt... (and then he just did a shoulder-hunching grin for "nine").... TAM!" I always repeated the number AFTER he said it, but he seemed to know the word of the next number without me prompting him. He just amazes me! I don't know that he can actually COUNT objects though - I phoned my mummy and told her about it and she asked if he was COUNTING or RECITING. I guess he's reciting. But still, my clever Boo-bean! :)

Okay it's suddenly CRAZY late and I will kick my own butt tomorrow morning when I wake exhausted out of my brains because I was up too late on the computer! Matthew has slept soundly in this room with me while I've been typing which is good. I still feel weird about invading his sleeping space, but at least he doesn't seem disturbed by it at the moment.

Neil isn't well - he has a cold which has started with some weird weak exhaustion and big sweats. He said it's going round the office, urgh. I got paranoid about the boys getting it, but so far so good. Arthur had a weird night the night before last where he woke moaning and crying at least once an hour all night, and he sweated a lot then, but he seems fine now and hasn't had any cold symptoms like the ones Neil has come down with since. I felt horrible yesterday, achy and weak and knackered. I took the boys out for a SHORT walk but I actually got scared that I would fall over at one point, my legs felt so weak and loose in their joints. I felt crap overnight and woke up in a sweat, but this morning I perked right up and feel fine now. I am thinking that Neil gave it to me but I have somehow fought it off maybe? Which is WONDERFUL because it means I am making antibodies to it and passing it to my boys in my milk in frequent doses. Maybe that's why Arthur seemed to fight it off also? Neil is really full of cold now so it's definitely different to how Arthur and I have been. Matthew seems fine - I think his fussiness at the moment is more due to his teething than a virus, so I hope my milk is helping them stay well. I am desperately hoping it will make a difference to them over the coming months, because they will be exposed to SUCH a lot of nasty things at playgroup over the autumn and winter. I am so glad they are both getting plenty of my milk at this time of year!

Arthur ate a fantastic portion of spaghetti with grated cheese and sweetcorn tonight, sitting at the table in his booster seat!!!! Yay! I don't know what swayed him - he hasn't eaten this well in a couple of months now. He seemed really hungry and asked for "Teee, teee, TEEEE!" from about 4.30pm. Also I just bought him a toddler's plate and bowl with the Teletubbies on them :) He just LOVES them. He wants to play with them all the time and pretend he's eating off them! So he's thrilled to see the Teletubbies appear on his plate as he's eating. That was the idea when I bought them, so I'm really glad they are helping!

Anyway, MUST go. I'll try to update again soon! Oh but I meant to answer Julie's questions from the message she left me - Matthew outgrew his Moses basket at 2 or 3 weeks old!!! He has slept in his big cotbed ever since, for both naps in the day and sleep at night. He comes into my bed (the spare bed next to his cotbed) for feeds during the night, and when he is finished, I sit on the edge of the bed, burp him, and put him right back down in the cotbed. He fidgets for a moment and goes back to sleep! It's so amazingly different from my experience with Arthur! Just these last couple of days while I've been feeling weak and crappy, I haven't had enough strength in my arms to hold and jiggle and rock and walk him to get him sleepy for his day naps, so I have sometimes just taken him upstairs when he starts to get yawny and fussy, and put him straight down in the cot (on his tummy during the day, on his back at night), and flopped down on my bed for a moment to recover a bit. He fusses and cries a bit, and if he starts to sound really cross about it after a minute or so, I pick him up again and jiggle him till he is calm again, and then put him back down. Eventually he has been fussing/crying for a minute or two while I lie there saying things like, "It's okay.... Sleepy-bye time.... Mummy's still here..." etc, and then he GOES TO SLEEP!!! From wide awake!! It's just amazing. I never thought I would have a child who just went to sleep like that! I have high hopes that he will sleep through the night at a much younger age than Arthur did, and that there will come a time (hopefully sooner than later!) when I can see him getting tired, take him upstairs, put him in his cot and retreat, and know he'll fall asleep happily by himself! I just feel so JOYFUL about the very thought of it! I am so glad to have persevered with him over it, because he hasn't done it by himself. He seems willing to accept the way I'm leading him, and happy in his cotbed, but other than that, Neil and I have really put effort into helping him with his sleep. We feel so proud of ourselves and happy that he's taking to it so well. It's so nice to have evenings to ourselves already - we had wondered before Matthew was born, whether we'd have our evenings to ourselves at all during his first year!

Anyway, it's just getting later and later here, so I absolutely must go. Matthew has been asleep 6 hours now so he'll wake any time for some milk and I need to brush my teeth and drink a TON of water. I am so thirsty with all this milk-making! :) Back soon!