Lots better, thank you so much!!!

WOW. Everyone is soooo nice to me here! :) Thank you all so so much for the lovely notes and messages and emails and for alllll the encouragement and support and love. I have been so overwhelmed by it all, and it has really made such a difference to read other people's experiences and hear that I am probably normal, hehe! And just to hear that others have been there and it gets better, helps sooo much. And thank you so much for the prayers and hugs. I wish I could tell you just how much it has helped to read all your messages and emails and things. Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to leave such lovely messages for me! *hugs*

Things feel a LOT better suddenly. I think there are quite a few factors affecting that though - one of them is definitely your messages! :) Another is the fact that it has been weekend and Neil has been around so I haven't felt so overwhelmed. But also, Matthew is suddenly UN-colicky these last two days. He's been a bit more uncomfy and fussy today but it's almost weird how he has been suddenly fine for 2 days after a really AWFUL day the day before. I don't know why it is, but I am just going to give thanks to God for it because I know people have been praying for him and for us over his colic and stuff. Thank you for your prayers!!! God is so faithful! Wow, it feels weird to even write that, which reeeally tells me how far from God I have found myself for a while now. But he is. And even if Matthew ends up having another bad patch, I do believe God has answered prayers and that is why he has been so much better :) Yay!

Also we went to my grandparents' yesterday for the afternoon, as it was Grandoug's 81st birthday and he always has a family gathering at their house for that, every July. Well, we're only a tiiiny family (too many only-children, lol!) but it's always lovely to get out and amongst other people, especially family, and especially people who will eagerly help entertain the little ones for a few hours! So that helped a lot. I really missed my parents as they're usually there, but they couldn't be this time. My grandparents are going out to France instead to stay with them in a week or two, so that's nice for them but we don't get to see them so that's a shame for us!

Anyway so that was a great help in lifting my spirits. And also just little things like, after the boys were asleep on Saturday evening, I still hadn't found time to buy Grandoug a birthday card so Neil sent me to Tesco for a card and a treat for myself! :) I just wanted to nip out quickly, but it was unexpectedly releasing to be on my own in the car with the radio turned up, singing away to the music, and talking to myself as I pleased (yes, yes, I am slightly crazy). And also NICE to wander round the supermarket with a nice small trolley, not the most enormous kind that you have to get if you want to load a toddler and a baby into it as well as your shopping! And just to have nobody to keep an eye on. Just me. Even though it was just the supermarket! It felt great to get out and just be on my own with only me to worry about. I bought vests for Matthew, toy cars for Arthur (ugh, I spoil him horribly with cars, as he loves them so much and they're soooo cheap at Tesco that I can never resist!), a box of Neil's favourite chocolates, cookies and chocolate for me (yum!) and a birthday card for Grandoug. And butter and batteries and bananas and soap, but those things are irrelevant to my diary and you didn't really need to know them, right? ;)

Anyway so that helped too. Also I knew that Monday had an "activity" in it, as we had Arthur's physio appt at the hospital to go to, which was something to look forward to/be petrified about! It was my first outing with my two little ones on my own (in the car, etc) so I was nervous but also eager for something different to break up the day and to "conquer"!!

Also, I am soooo excited, because I DID take Meg up on her generous offer and she is coming round TOMORROW to help me and generally be another person around for Arthur and Matthew! It's such a relief to know someone is coming round tomorrow and also so exciting to meet someone I've only known through my diary online! I think I have known Meg online for 3 years now and she just feels like someone I have known forEVER. I hope I am not wrong (eek!) but I just feel on the same wavelength as Meg, like she's an old friend.

I actually SPOKE to her on the phone tonight! I am nervous about the phone with people I've never met, and it's always so weird to meet people who've read my diary, as I do tend to totally spill my guts in my diary and thus total strangers can know me very intimately while I know nothing about them at all! It's very odd to finally meet one of them and know that they know those things about me! When I spoke to Meg I just started rambling on about Arthur having just had some Calpol (he's teething again) and Matthew being in his bouncy chair right now, etc, and then I realized I was rambling just as if I was talking to my diary or something, so I sort of apologised but Meg didn't mind :) She's just glad I'm real, haha! People do tend to say that actually, "So you're actually real!" hehehe! ;) Yes folks, I'm real. I do actually exist outside of the computer. Hehe!

Anyway, yay, lovely Meg is coming and everything feels okay today. The health visitor is also coming tomorrow at 3pm to weigh Matthew and so on. I can't wait for that either!

ALSO, it helps me soooo much that by the end of the weekend I was feeling more "normal" towards my boys again. It was such a relief to feel totally soppy and mushy with love for them every single time I looked at either of them, which had really started to become a rare thing by the end of last week. I just felt irritated and resentful all the time towards them, and that felt terrible and worried me, so I'm really relieved to be loving them to bits again all the time! :) Of course I never stopped LOVING them, but you know. My temper disappeared also, which is another relief, as perhaps I'll be okay so long as I can keep myself sane with some help or some "me" time or extra sleep, etc.

I started today feeling quite confident about coping with the day without Neil, which was a good start. I didn't have much sleep in the night but it didn't seem to stress me out this time. I am SO proud of myself for how I've done today, I can't tell you! :) Mind you, it DOES make the most enormous difference that Matthew isn't colicky. My goodness, colic makes life so incredibly difficult! The difference when it's not a factor is huge. Anyway, today I breastfed Matthew in bed on and off from about 6am till about 8am and then brought him downstairs - Arthur and Neil were up by then. Arthur has been sleeping till 6.30 or even 7am the last few days, which is lovely! Much better than 5.30, that's for sure! Then Neil went to work and I breastfed Arthur - it's always the first thing he wants. Then I breastfed Matthew again and changed him. Then he had some alert time, which he is doing more and more of these days, looking around and being transfixed by bright coloured toys, etc.

Oh, oh, oh!!!! I almost forgot - I can't believe I almost forgot! - Matthew smiled at me for the first time today!!!! I know he's only 3 weeks and 5 days which is sure to be called "too young to smile yet" but I don't care - he DEFINITELY smiled at me! It wasn't wind, it wasn't anything like any expression he's ever made before. I was sitting on the sofa with my knees up in front of me, and I sat Matthew on my tummy with his back up my legs, and his head at my knees (if that makes sense!) so he was at my face level and we were looking at each other. He was really looking into my eyes sooo alertly and like he was almost trying to communicate with me just through his eyes. I was talking all sugary and gooey to him (you just can't help it when you're looking at your little one like that!) and I held his tiny hands and made his arms jig about in the same rhythm that I was talking in, and suddenly his eyes lit up and his mouth SMILED!! :) It turned right up at the corners and everything! It wasn't just the mouth, it was the way his eyes smiled too, and they weren't vague, they were fixed right on mine as though he was specifically reacting to me communicatively. I never saw him look like that before, but it just lit him up from the inside and it was such a precious moment! Of course I have spent the rest of the day trying to get him to smile again, hehe! He once had a millisecond where his eyes lit up and his mouth made a movement but he didn't get as far as smiling that time. I think Arthur was 4 weeks old the first time he smiled, so I was going to be looking out for that precious first smile pretty soon anyway :) I can't believe he's nearly 4 weeks old already! I should be writing this in my pregnancy diary still, but oh well. Anyway, that smile definitely lifted me today as well!

So anyway I had some time with Matthew while Arthur read his Mr. Men books, and then I put Matthew in the bouncy chair to help Arthur with something, and he settled himself off to sleep in there, no vibratey thing on or anything! He usually only sleeps or stays asleep in there if the vibrating thing is on. Anyway that was lovely because it gave me time to play with Arthur as normal. We built a Duplo farm, he loves that at the moment! And folded the laundry from the tumble dryer - another favourite activity for Arthur! So that was really nice for both of us to spend some one-on-one time together like that. Then I settled Arthur for his nap at 10.15am, perfect timing for him as that's when he is tired and wanting to nap. He never naps in the afternoon, only the morning. He can't make it through the morning without a nap most days, and if he has to then he's exhausted and cranky after he eats lunch and has a nap as soon as possible afterwards. So that was great! Matthew stayed asleep for the whole of Arthur's 45 minute nap which was time that I should have been napping myself, but I NEEDED to find the cable for the camcorder to start getting footage online again for my parents, etc. We haven't taken video footage in so long, except for like 4 minutes of my labour! And then yesterday I took some footage of Arthur playing in my grandparents' garden with my brother and his Sarah. So anyway, I found the cable and then set it up, and then the boys woke up at pretty much the same time.

After that I nursed Matthew, and then got Arthur his lunch, but Matthew was crying a lot while I did it, so I wore him in the Baby Bjorn while I got lunch ready. I got my Kozy Carrier and the Wilkinet down as well, as I wanted to try wearing him in one of those instead of the Baby Bjorn, but the Kozy turned out to be way too big for him for the way I was trying it, and I could NOT fathom the Wilkinet with its long ties for anything! I can't find the instructions so I can't use it for now. So anyway. After Arthur's lunch I breastfed them both together, and then put Matthew asleep into the bouncy chair, and got myself some lunch! :) At 2pm as well, so not even a bad lunchtime! Matthew woke as I finished it and I changed him and breastfed them both AGAIN, and then I started to gather things together for our appointment at the hospital. I felt sooooo proud of myself when I was driving there, because we still had 20 minutes left to park and get ourselves to the Children's Outpatients (ample time), and I had changed both boys' nappies and outfits before leaving, and put them both in the car securely without any hitches, and I had everything I could possibly need in my bag - nappy and clothing changes for both boys (two ready-stuffed Fuzzi Bunz in different sizes, how cute!), hats, suncream, Arthur's red healthcare book, money, keys, travel changing mat, etc. And there I was driving along feeling happy and with time to spare, with both boys in their car seats in the back, all organised! I felt GREAT!!! Especially as it was the first time I'd attempted such a thing!

When we got to the hospital I parked and got a ticket, and got Matthew out first (he was crying and highly annoyed with the hassle of a car journey!). I put him in the Baby Bjorn on my front and put my rucksack on my back on both shoulders. Then I went and got Arthur out of his car seat (rather more difficult to lean in and lift him out with a baby strapped to my chest!) and locked the car up holding onto Arthur's hand, and then we walked in! Arthur was as good as gold holding my hand and staying close to me till we were away from the cars. I felt so proud to be walking with my beautiful little boy and a sweet tiny baby cuddled to my chest in the Baby Bjorn! :) We were a little EARLY for the appt, which is something I NEVER ever achieve!

We had a long wait in the waiting area though, as the physio was running behind. Arthur was wonderful and just played with toys and drew with crayons and stuff. Matthew mainly slept but it was soooo humid today and he was getting really sweaty. When he woke he was NOT happy! Fortunately we got called in around that point, but he cried through pretty much the whole appointment. Arthur's feet are doing really well! He doesn't need any treatment this time, not even stiff shoes! They have improved since last time and he is walking and running and standing normally on them. He isn't jumping or hopping yet, and his running is still that sweet bobbly up-and-down toddler run, so she wants to see him again one more time, and not until April next year when he'll be 2 and a half. I can't imagine having a 2 and a half year old!! She expects to be able to discharge him at that appointment - yaaaaay!!!! I am so thrilled. And even more thrilled that she took one glance at Matthew's feet and confirmed that they are absolutely perfect, and he has managed to NOT inherit the foot deformity that Arthur has. Yay!!!

Neil, on the other hand, has been to the hospital this week to have both his knees X-rayed, urgh. He has the foot thing, as does his mother, and at 60 years old she has just had a knee replacement, and is currently on the waiting list for a hip replacement. She can hardly walk for the hip problem at the moment. Neil's knees seem very arthritic, especially considering how young he is. We started dating 10 years ago (July 3rd 1996!) and as long as I've known him, he has always had painful knees. He was only 22 when we started dating so yeah, his knees are pretty bad for his age! He has fluid on them and they swell up, and he can't play many sports or walk far without them hurting. And they hurt in the cold. So something is reeeally not right. So he finally went to the doctor about them and she sent him to have them X-rayed. He gets the results in a couple of weeks. I hope they aren't too bad, or that any further problems can be prevented.

Anyway so I was worried about Arthur developing trouble with his knees later on as a result of the same deformity in his feet that Neil and his mum have. The physio did a careful assessment of his knees and hips and said they are well aligned and normal, and that his feet are flexible and straight enough now, so there should be no further problems. Neil and his mum didn't have treatment (well, Neil had this barbaric surgery thing done in his teens to "correct" it, but all it has done is make his feet even stiffer) so they are at risk of further problems. The physio said that the key to preventing problems later on is getting the feet flexible and straight in infancy before the bones finish ossifying and stuff. So poor Neil doesn't stand much chance now :( But I'm relieved about Arthur's feet.

It was so nice at the appointment because in the waiting room, another mum asked me how old Matthew was, and I said 3 and a half weeks. She congratulated me on being there, because she said when her little one was that age she was still at home and hadn't been out yet. The physio also acted surprised when I told her Matthew's age - she said, "How have you managed to be here then?!" and made me feel courageous for making it there on my own so soon after Matthew was born :) So that was nice! And then we were walking back to the car, Arthur holding my hand and Matthew on my front in the carrier, and we passed a lady I used to work with in the Children's Ward as a play assistant, just before I started working with Cameron. I bumped into her about a year ago I think, when we were there for one of Arthur's physio appointments and she was amazed to see me with a child of my own! This time she smiled as she saw us approaching and started to ask how I was doing, and then she saw Matthew in the carrier and her eyes went wide and she said, "Two?!" hehe! We were hurrying past each other as it was raining, so I only had time to smile and say, "Yes!" before we parted. It must have seemed to her like hardly any time since she saw me with just one little baby, as a year always feels like a month or two when you bump into someone you haven't seen in a decade. I don't know why exactly, but that felt like a wonderfully proud moment for me :) All the way back to the car after that, I felt like bursting with joy and pride that I was walking along with my head held high, managing to look "the part" and competent at what I was doing, with two precious little boys in tow! All on my own too! :) Ah it was lovely!

Matthew cried himself hoarse on the drive home and when we got in the house we all just went straight to the sofa, kicking shoes off on the way there (!) and I immediately nursed the two boys together. They fed for a good while and Matthew fell asleep. He didn't wake when I put him in the bouncy chair so that was another window for me to play with Arthur. I felt wonderful as it was 4.30pm and Matthew was asleep, and soon it would be Arthur's tea time, which looked like it might be straightforward if Matthew continued to sleep, and then Neil would be home before we knew it! I played Duplo again with Arthur and playdough after that, and then I started to make Arthur's tea. He dropped a tin of evaporated milk on his foot (poor Arthur, but he does love to organize the cupboards!) and I had to breastfeed him for a while to comfort him - he cried soooo much so it must have hurt him a lot! Then Matthew woke when Arthur had his tea and cried and cried. I ran back and forth between them for a while and then had to leave Matthew to cry for a few minutes (which I HATED doing, poor Matthew) because Arthur tipped his food up everywhere and cried so I needed to attend to that! And then Neil came home just in time to pick Matthew up and comfort him while I got Arthur cleaned up and stuff. So it went well!

I breastfed Matthew while Neil changed Arthur for bed, and then we swapped boys. I breastfed Arthur to sleep (or near enough asleep) in bed. Matthew seemed fussy and unsettled, and a bit uncomfy. His nappy rash had hugely improved but it is back again today, although not as bad as before. He is more fussy today also, so I wondered if he might have a bit of a colicky evening again. It felt a bit better having a plan of action for the evening though - I had bought some colic drops at the supermarket, and the plan was to give those to him, swaddle him, feed him, and then if he was still awake, let him suck on a dummy or a little finger until he was asleep and then lay him on his SIDE till he was in a deeper sleep. He sleeps so much better in any position other than his back, so that might have helped him settle to sleep properly.

In the end I swaddled him, gave him the hideous colic drops (which is actually revolting smelling (and presumably, tasting) thick white gunky goop which is syringed onto the back of his tongue in enormous quantities) which the poor love nearly threw up, such was his reaction to the taste, and then I lay next to him in bed and breastfed him till he was all sleepy. At that point, Arthur woke and cried and cried. He has a new tooth today, the first one in ages. It's number 13, and the first of his four canine/eye-teeth, or whatever you call those pointy ones that fill the gaps between the front teeth and the molars! I saw the telltale little dent in the gum a couple of days ago and tonight I saw the first tiiiny white point poking through his gum. Anyway, he cried and gnawed on his hands and wouldn't be comforted, so Neil gave him Calpol, and then I literally just detached Matthew from the breast, walked through to the other bedroom with it still hanging out (!!) and offered it to Arthur! He calmed down right away and went back to sleep on the breast. Phew! Matthew didn't go to sleep so Neil put him in the bouncy chair downstairs and he went to sleep sucking Neil's little finger. He's been there 2 and a half hours now. So our evening didn't really start till 9pm but never mind. It still feels like a really successful day and I'm so encouraged and happy to have managed the day well!

The weather is much nicer and fresher since the end of last week, which is a GREAT help too! But it's going to get hot again at the end of this week. Bleurgh. BUT! I forgot to say, the weekend before last when it was really hot, I tried everything I could to get the temperature down inside the house for the night time, as I was worried about it being unsafe for a newborn. I know the ideal temperature for a newborn's sleeping area is meant to be 18-20 degrees C (64-68 degrees F), but even after strategically opening and closing the windows at the right times in the day and having the fans day and night, the digital thermometer in Matthew's cot still only got down to 29.4 (85) - yikes! It was horribly hot for sleeping in, even for me, but it surely wasn't safe for Matthew. He was sweating even in just a nappy with the fan on. The next morning Neil took Arthur out and when they came back he dragged in a huge box from the car with an AIR CONDITIONER inside!!!!!!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! It's a good one so it was expensive, but the weird thing is, even with our money crisis lately, somehow the money was there for us to use. Another thing I definitely want to give glory to God for! :) And it was soooo worth it. We have put it in the bedroom where Arthur and Neil sleep as it's the only room in the house that has a space to put the machine, and it keeps THE WHOLE HOUSE cool!!! Well, the whole upstairs is really nice and cool even on the hottest day. Right now it's a breezy 22 degrees (72F) which feels almost chilly to me so I'm sure it's fine. We don't cover Matthew with much at night, and sometimes he just lies in the cot wearing a sleepsuit. We just keep an eye on the temperature and humidity on my marvellous thermostat thingy and adjust his covers accordingly. Downstairs is warmer and muggier but we have the fan on down there and it draws cool air from upstairs so it's WAY better than when we only had fans and no air con. We have the air con on all day and all night at the moment, except lately it gets a bit cool for it at night so we switch it off. But it's SO great, and I'm so thankful for it! I wish we had bought one years ago, it would have been so helpful during pregnancy, but never mind! I'm just so glad to have it now. The only down side is having to hang the vent thingy out of an open window all the time, but oh well, it's worth it! And Neil's knees hurt in the night if he doesn't cover up enough in bed. I hope his knees will be okay...

Okay this is REALLY long and I meant to only do a brief update and get an early night, tsk! I wanted to update over the weekend but I just didn't have a moment to. I'm so grateful to everyone for all the helpful advice and support! I just wanted to tell you so and to thank you, and let you know that I'm doing a lot better! I'm sure there will be times when I have a bad day or run of days, and feel hopeless again, but I feel so much better about that now, knowing that it's just what mothers of more-than-one go through and it will pass.

Ohhh but I almost forgot - a couple of you mentioned Arthur and discipline, and I took that to heart because he really doesn't listen to me when I tell him not to do things, and he definitely seems to be the "boss" which hasn't felt right to me for some time now. I personally don't want to smack (spank) so we are using a slight variation on Supernanny's "naughty step" method. He's a little bit young for that method I think, because he's not old enough yet to have enough understanding of "sorry", but at 2 I think he will be. I looked everywhere but couldn't find anything saying how young is too young for that method. But anyway, we need to do SOMETHING to get him to mind us over things, so we started over the weekend. Actually I started on Friday with the time-out thing in the travel cot when I had finally had enough. We've been using it ever since, and the change in him is REALLY noticable now. He SO does not want to be put in that travel cot with the whole air of being punished, etc! Today I have not had to put him in there once. Several times I have had to warn him, but he has heeded me every single time and so I haven't had to carry it out! I am amazed. If he starts doing something he shouldn't like climbing somewhere unsafe while I'm breastfeeding Matthew, or doing something he shouldn't just to wind me up, then all I have to do is ask him to stop, and when he doesn't, I just tell him if he doesn't stop doing whatever it is, I will take him upstairs and put him in the travel cot. He looks like he is thinking about it, and then he climbs back down or stops whatever it is that he's doing. Sometimes I just say, "Arthur, do I have to take you upstairs?!" and he will stop. He was running for the open stairgate (at the bottom of the stairs) when I had thoughtlessly left it open today, and he usually NEVER listens to me when I tell him to come back or not to go up the stairs, but this time I just called out, "ARTHUR!" and he stopped dead and turned around. When I told him to come back to me (I was breastfeeding again), he just walked back to me! Neil has been using the method too and has had to carry it out once or twice but that is all. Arthur so does not want to go in the cot that he is obeying us pretty quick now! I hope it continues! He mucks us around so much during nappy changes, especially the really pooey ones, that we have started to use the "travel cot" method then too. We do ask him to stop but he NEVER does and it just turns into a battle that he seems to be in control of, so we figured it was right to discipline him then too. At my grandparents' house, Arthur was doing just that during a nappy change, and Neil said to him, "Do I have to take you upstairs, Arthur?!" and Arthur thought about it and behaved perfectly after that. Neil said to me that Arthur didn't have to know that there is no travel cot upstairs, hehe! I don't know where we'd put him if we DID have to follow through on the warning! Anyway thank you to those who picked up on the discipline thing, for your honesty and helpful advice! It was so helpful and we are acting on it and things are changing for the better, which helps my "coping" too.

Also thanks Jemma for suggesting the fish oil supplements. I think we will try them for Arthur. He is terribly hyper and slightly manic sometimes!! I know an energetic toddler will seem like that a lot, but sometimes I have wondered if he seems a bit "out of control" even for himself. Do you have to get special ones for kids? Here is a rather fitting photo of Arthur having a "manic moment" with his brother's (formerly his!) activity mat/gym:

Since I didn't post photos last entry, would you like to see some this time?! :) I have a few from the thingy at my grandparents' yesterday! Several of Arthur being wonderfully entertained by Bennie (my brother) and Sarah (the first one is a game of "where's the ball?" in case you were wondering about the gestures!!):

Having suncream put on his legs by Daddy (it got sunny):

Being thrilled by Bennie doing some very strange leaping (I seem to have caught him in mid-air!) to entertain him!...

I love these last two - they were taken at the end of the afternoon, after 2 hours of energetic outdoor play. All the adults were completely knackered and Neil was even lying on the grass at this point with the camera, which is where he managed to take these great photos from. And yet Arthur was still absolutely bursting with energy, hehe! Here is a great action shot of him running round a bush. He just runs and runs and RUNS whenever he's out in an open space. He loves to run and never seems to get tired!

And the last one, my little monkey when he finally stood still for a nanosecond before racing off again! He's such a boy, isn't he?! ;)

Arthur is 8 months old!!! (billions of photos!)

First of all, thank you so much for the lovely messages and notes and to Julie for the sweet email (I am going to reply very soon!). You guys are wonderful, and I feel so uplifted. BUT I feel so released about messages now, and if I had had none at all I think it would not have mattered to me. I felt so much better for writing all that yesterday, and today I still feel kind of clean and lovely for it! Yay! I read my Bible before I went to sleep last night, even though it was 1am and I was tired out. I just couldn’t resist. I STILL can’t find my Bible!! Boo-hoo. I want my Bible. I think it is buried under a ton of clutter. My Flylady stuff is not going too well. But that will change once Julie and I buddy up, I’m sure! :)

Okay, I have THE biggest entry of all time to write, complete with like 50 photos, since I have so much to catch up on! I hope I can finish it in the next couple of hours so that I am not too crazy late in bed. I want us to go to church tomorrow – yay!! I am really looking forward to it. We haven’t been in a good while. Two or three months I think, and that time was the only time since another few months. I want to siiiiiiing praise to God with lots of other people doing the same. I want to raise my hands while I sing and when I open my eyes I will be able to see lots of other people doing the same, and praising God! I want to praise him with joy for his goodness, and pray with other Londoners about the terrorist attacks this week. I want to let his presence wash over me in the quiet moments and hear the beautiful music as the musicians play. Yay, I can’t wait!! :)

Well, first of all, my baby boy is EIGHT months old today!!! Wow. Happy eight months to my lil Arthur-Boo. Thank you Julie and Mo for wishing him a happy 8 months! See my proud new blinkie for my 8-month breastfeeding milestone?! (and a replacement cloth diapering one that I liked!) :) [edited to add - ooh oooh, I found a FLYBABY blinkie!!!] Of course I have endless photos to show you! Here is Arthur today on his 8-month birthday, wearing a rather bright stripey sleepsuit that Neil’s mum sent us (size 12-18 months!):

Although these days if he is on his tummy, he is almost always found more like this:

He isn’t crawling yet, but ohhhhh he’s soooo close!! He now finds it so easy to pop up onto hands and knees, whereas he used to only get his knees up under him by accident. Now he can pull them up in a second, whilst playing with toys and things. He loves to get on his hands and knees and rock. Sometimes he just stays still like that and looks around. Yesterday for the first time he lifted a knee off the ground and sort of waved it about (!!) as if he wasn’t sure where he might like to put it back down. He balanced fine on the 3 other limbs. Today he brought one knee and inch forward and then the other knee the same, but he didn’t go anywhere. It feels like he really could take off at any moment. I feel anxious about looking away when he’s on his tummy, in case I miss the first crawl!

Another new thing is that he likes to be “walked” places. Lately he likes it when I am holding him under the arms and sort of lift him up on one side so that his leg swings forwards, and then he puts it down, and I lift the other side of him up so that his leg swings and so on. He gets very excited about this! Today we had a bigger breakthrough. I was kneeling behind him, holding him in a standing position under his arms like I do a lot now, and Neil went into the kitchen. Arthur started lunging towards the kitchen as if he would like to follow his daddy, so I held just his little hands with his arms out and up from his body, and he literally did the walking himself!!!! I was so amazed! He just picked his foot up and raised the knee good and high as he leaned forwards (more than 90 degrees actually, almost up to his tummy!), then put it down again, and immediately raised the other knee the same. I think he was motivated by wanting to go where his daddy was, because he never took his eyes off the kitchen, and his whole body was leaning forward the whole time. It made it very easy for him because all he had to do was keep picking up his feet and off he went! I provided all the stability so he didn’t have to worry about that one! He literally went, step, step, step, step, step, step, step – seven or eight rhythmic steps without any pause in between! They were large ground-covering steps too. I was so surprised that his lil stumpy legs could stride like that! I called out to Neil to come quick and see after the first two or three, and he stood in the kitchen doorway amazed at Arthur walking so purposely towards him with a big smile on his face! Of course he got lots of applause when he reached daddy and I let go his hands and he got swooped up in a big bear hug by daddy :) He loves applause!

Of course he would not have gotten anywhere if I hadn’t held him upright, so it’s not like he’s really walking, but anyway we were so excited! He does walk like this in the bath too, when Neil holds him in a standing position. I think it’s the buoyancy of the water that makes him want to step out. One time he moved his legs up and down in a forwards motion so fast that it was like he was running! It was funny :) He sits on Neil’s leg in the bath and then he spots something that he wants, like the yellow rubber duckie on the end of the bath, and push, he’s up on his leggies in the nice easy supportive water! Then Neil just holds him securely around the torso and Arthur just walks the length of the bath to reach the duckie. He is super pleased when he gets to take hold of it! Today, later on than the “walk to Daddy” incident, I was holding him standing again and he was just sweeping the room with his gaze, and then suddenly he focused on a toy that he wanted, and started moving his legs up and down to walk there! All I had to do was support him and lean him forwards so that he could let his legs do the rest. I love the look of absolute focus on his face when he does this. For some reason it’s the cutest thing. His little legs pump up and down so importantly, it’s so cute! We took some video footage of it today, but it didn’t come out too well, so we’ll try again tomorrow. Unfortunately my memory card for the movie clips is full so I need to fix that (or get a new one) before I can put any more movie clips online. I will try to do it soon though, as I want to show you his first crawling and stuff as soon as he does them!

I took Arthur to the baby clinic yesterday to be weighed, and he weighs 21lbs 11oz! He has put on exactly one pound since he was last weighed. This puts him at the 80th percentile, which I think means he has dropped a little in terms of his percentile on the chart, but I am not worried. The health visitor who weighed him was really pleased with his weight and said everything looked very healthy. He does not need to remain up above the 90th percentile after all! She also measured his length and he is 72cm (28.5 inches), which puts him just above the 75th percentile so that is good. He is 3cm longer than his last measurement. I think it has to be all on his torso!!! He is soooo long in the torso, and soooo stumpy in his lil short legs! Sweetie boy :) He is currently wearing dungarees that are sized for length: 80cm! So his torso is super long. It fits them perfectly, but the trouser bits are too long for his legs ;) He does make up for lack of leg length with girth though! He has such chubby lil legs. I love his leggies :) His TODDLER sized Stacinator So-Simple wraps are too tight on his thighs now. Crazy! I am just waiting for when he starts to crawl, because I know they will slim down like nothing else when that happens. I will miss his chub though.

Things have been happening lately with Arthur’s food. I wish I had been updating about it more regularly, because every day is a new thing at the moment and now I have a huge load of catching up to do here! Let’s see, last time I mentioned his food, I think he was less than excited about banana, whole or mashed, and we had just tried him on mashed sweet potato which he gagged and retched on. At Grandoug’s birthday gathering, he ate a fairly good meal of mashed banana and chewed on an apple and cinnamon rice cake for a while. I think the distraction helped him eat. Since then he has seemed more and more gaggy with food, the instant it’s on his tongue. So I am sure it has to be flavours that he is bothered by. With this in mind, I decided to go back to purees for a while, to eliminate any other reason for him to gag by having something totally smooth and runny, but with different flavours for him to get accustomed to. One day when I was at the supermarket, I went to the baby food aisle to get more rice cakes, and pondered a while in front of the organic pureed baby food. I always wanted to make my own, but I figure there are lots of very easy and convenient (and organic) little packs of different flavours for Arthur to try, so I might as well be trying him on them for now. I spent ages reading all the ingredients, and in the end I chose a single pot of Heinz organic pureed banana and apple from the “simply fruits” range. It had nothing else in it but organic banana and organic apple. Except a dash of lemon juice as an anti-oxidant (organic as well). He had already tried apple and banana separately, and I could see through the packaging that it was a perfect smooth puree, so I figured I would give it a whirl.

That afternoon I gave him a little bit warmed up, and he took it really well! He wasn’t 100% crazy about it, and he gagged and made a couple of sour faces with screwed up eyes at the flavour, but I think it is the strength of flavours that he has trouble with, not that he necessarily dislikes them. So I kept offering him more, and he took about 5 tiny baby spoon-tips full of it, till he had had enough. He even opened his mouth for it and leaned forwards once or twice! That is more than he has done before, so I was encouraged. He didn’t have more than a spoontip-full or two the next day though, and I ate the rest to save throwing it out after it had been open for the maximum time. Yum! :) So one way or another he got it, because then it was in his milk for later, hehe!

Yesterday we went shopping again and I bought one of every one of those Heinz simply fruit (and simply vegetables) range that they had in stock. I am glad to try him on so many different things so easily because now he gets to try banana and passionfruit; nectarine and mango; broccoli, cauliflower and parsnip; strawberry and apple; blueberry, apple and banana; pumpkin and potato, to name but a few, and I don’t have to go scouring the supermarket for pumpkins or passionfruits and find out how to cook and puree them to perfection and then store 50,000 ice cubes of them in my freezer! This way I can hopefully help him get over his taste issues and also find out which foods he likes and which he hates, and then I will be able to start buying and making his food again. I really want to, it’s fun!

But in the meantime, I also bought an organic avocado and an organic mango during the week. I figured I could try him on those pretty easily myself, since they would be easy to prepare and not take up a ton of freezer space if I chose to puree and freeze them. I wanted to offer him slices of these things as finger foods, but mash or puree them as a back up if he didn’t want to hold them. He seems kind of squeamish about holding messy or slimy things! Soooo the first thing we tried was the avocado, since it was ripe and the mango needed a few days to sit and delici-fy! I don’t like avocados myself, but I know the texture is smooth and buttery, so I figured maybe he would go for it. I peeled it and sliced it, but every slice I handed him gave him that disgusted “ewwww, slimy!!” face and all he wanted to do was squish it hard in his fist so that it oozed out off both ends and then he dropped it on the tray in a sorry heap. He did this with six slices in a row! After that I thought, oh well, I will mash them up and see if he will taste his fingers. So I mashed them up. I was amazed at how smooth the texture became just with mashing. There were a few lumps but lots of it was just like puree. I spooned a little of it up and offered it to Arthur and he took it, made tasting faces (interested ones!) and opened for more! So avocado was a definite success!! :) After that he just wanted to “paint” with it. I know all babies paint with their food if they get the chance, but Arthur just seems to love it! He gets this lovely calm expression of intense concentration and actually seems to work hard at smoothing out the textures on his tray. He is right-handed when he does this, I notice. My mum thinks he is going to be an artist, hehe! So, of course, here are the avocado photos :) Feedy-facey ones first (he is pretty good at feeding himself with the spoon) and then the artist at work!! ;)

Isn’t he gorgeous?! I know I am biased, but….

Okay then I hit on another idea, and boiled and pureed the remaining organic sweet potatoes that I had bought last week. I pureed them extra smooth and then I froze 9 ice-cubes, and kept about 2 teaspoonfuls out. I got out a carrot puree ice-cube that I made a while back, and thawed it and mixed it with the sweet potato. It was just THE most perfect puree! I was so proud of it! But Arthur did not like it one bit. I just don’t think he is a fan of sweet potato. It was lovely and sweet and tasty though, just for the record! Every spoonful I put in his mouth, he would get on the tip of his tongue and just hang it out of his mouth till it slopped off onto his bib! He gagged and made horrible faces if it got too far back in his mouth, and basically didn’t really swallow any of it. He just didn’t like it. So eventually I dumped it out on the tray for him to paint with. I don’t mind him doing this – I know I won’t tolerate it when he is four years old (!) but right now meal times are meant to be fun, and supposed to be messy, and he likes to paint :) So then once he was able to actually have fun with it, he was happy again. THIS happy!...

Isn’t he cute being so excited about painting with his food?!! Hehe! See his new cover-all bib? It’s the best thing I ever bought, seriously! The avocado clean-up took me HOURS, literally. It took me a whole naptime to clean the highchair alone, and he needed a serious bath afterwards! I had to put the highchair harness in the washing machine. Ew. Sweet potato and carrot clean-up was much easier with the bib, but there was still a lot to do, and lots in Arthur’s hair!

Today the mango was finally ripe, and I tried giving him a slice to hold, but he gave me THE most disgusted look (hehe!) so I pureed the rest. He made lots of sour faces at first, but didn’t seem to absolutely hate it, so I persevered. In the end, I think he really likes mango! He made lots of interested tasting-faces and sucky lips when there was mango in his mouth, and he was extremely keen on tasting his fingers after painting with the slice that I mashed roughly. He actually ate a whole ice-cube worth (two heaped teaspoons) of puree! I froze 10 more ice-cubes of mango puree. Here he is tasting his fingers (note the mango hair!) after painting:

So tomorrow we get to choose a pot of something yummy for him to try, and see what he thinks of it! It’s quite fun. The health visitor yesterday said he is “behind” on solids. That was a bit annoying because I don’t think it’s fair to call him behind, when it doesn’t really matter like that. Most 8 month olds are eating 3 meals a day (and in fact there was a (gorgeous!) 5 ½ month old baby girl in there with us who was already on three meals a day! But that doesn’t make him “behind”. It just makes him different to most 8 month olds. Poor Boo. It is okay that he still mostly has my milk and doesn’t really take many solids. He is thriving, a fantastic weight, healthy as anything, and developing at an exciting rate. But I did ask the health visitor if she had any tips on ways to gently encourage him with food. I made a follow-up weaning appt for the health visitor to visit me at home in a couple of weeks. I just don’t want to ignore their advice, but at the same time I know Arthur is healthy and doing just fine, and I don’t want to be persuaded that he is not getting the best he could get because he isn’t that interested in solids yet. So we’ll see how we go. I have stepped up the frequency of offering him solids now, like I planned to around 8 months, and I think he will take to it better from now on.

Oops, he is awake and ready for a mama-milk top-up! Back in a few minutes….

Asleep again :) He barely wakes for this feed, the one he takes about 3 hours after his bedtime, and it’s usually a shortish one.

What else can I update about, with Arthur? He is teething again/still. Still no teeth! His gums are so red and swollen, poor love, and he is biting on his hands so hard that his gums go completely white and he marks his fingers. I give him teething rings and frozen grapes inside the Baby Safe Feeder (which arrived during the week AT LAST!! – thank you again Michelle for alerting me to their existence!) but he doesn’t use them for long before he tosses them aside and goes back to frantically gnawing on his hands. We have been giving him Bonjela and teething powders several times a day but they aren’t quite so effective at the moment. He does open his mouth so wide and put his tongue out for the powder though, and seem really eager to take them, so they must help him.

Oh my goodness, he did the world’s most enormous poo the other day, which surpassed even his previous record (!!), and it was so disasterous! A deadly combination of big boy poo and breastmilk poo, and by the looks of it, at least 3 months worth all saved up for one poo!! Crikey. All the foods he has ever eaten seemed to be represented in that poo. You are not enjoying this narrative, are you? ;) There was so much of it that it came right up out of the back of his nappy and got on his clothes, and urrrrgh, when I took the nappy off, he (of course) put his hands on his bits, and when I instinctively let go his ankles to rescue his hands… yup, you guessed it, THUNK went his hard little heels in the mushy poo-poo in the open nappy! Ew. Ew. Ew. Lots of washing and laundry for mama. He wriggles soooo excessively these days when I change his nappy. I can’t keep him steady for anything. Sometimes when am having a no-patience day, and on occasions like when he has done a poo that has got everywhere, I get exasperated and use my stern voice to tell him to stop wriggling while I get rid of the poo-poo. This is how I have discovered that Mummy’s stern and slightly-louder-than-usual voice is one of the funniest things that Arthur has ever heard before! He does immediately stop what he’s doing, but only because he has to put his hands on his tummy for laughing so hard at me!! He even laughs so hard that he gets watery eyes!!! Funny boy! It’s most frustrating when I am truly out of patience, because I think, “How will he ever take me seriously?!” but mostly any exasperation just melts away to hear him giggling so breathlessly and infectiously like that :) He’s such a sweetie!

Today in the kitchen, Neil was holding Arthur, who was all miserable and frantic over his poor gums, and I was shoving four frozen grapes in the Baby Safe Feeder to give to him for his lil gums to bite on. They were watching me do it. Just as I was about to screw the handle on, one of the grapes popped out and bounced like a marble all over the highchair tray. I was slapping at it trying to catch it, and without thinking I was making punctuated, “Oooh! Eeeh! Ahhh!” sounds as it kept bouncing out of my grasp. Well all of a sudden Arthur started absolutely cracking up, from absolutely nowhere at all! It was so funny, Neil and I laughed so much, because his laughter is just soooo infectious! He laughed a real belly laugh, not just his little cute giggle, and it made him gasp and get watery eyes again! He seems to find me funny quite a lot, especially when I am not trying to be! I love him so much. He is such a complete delight to me :) I love it when his eyes shine like that after laughing so hard. He is just more beautiful than a jewel. I love his happy humorous personality. He is such a precious little boy.

Look what a fun thing he discovered to do this week!...

What a pickle! He found a box of tissues, and immediately set to work pulling them all out! He concentrated so hard on it, and got quite a rhythm going – grab, pull, shake-shake, drop…. grab, pull, shake-shake, drop…. grab, pull, shake-shake, drop, etc, etc! Each tissue got exactly two shakes in the fist before it was discarded and the next one grabbed! I could have stopped him after the first few, but I just couldn’t help but sit smiling at him and watching him have fun. He was very pleased with himself when he was all surrounded by tissues! Especially when I got the camera out :)

What else can I write about before I go to bed. It’s midnight so I should go really. Oh but I was going to say that the London bombings thing is feeling more surreal and distant to me at the moment, I don’t know why. We went out on Friday (yesterday - it happened on Thursday) for the first time since the attacks and I almost wished I had made it out on Thursday too. Everywhere I looked there were people talking to each other in the street about it. I felt such a sense of community, and unity about it, like I could just walk up to any group of people and join in the conversation and it wouldn’t be weird. We all have it in common and it brings us together. I like that feeling of unity. One thing I didn’t like yesterday though, was when I was stuck in a traffic jam with one of those red double-decker buses directly behind me, and two of them directly in front. Not that I thought there would be a bomb on one of them, but you know. I had a moment of panic about it, because the bus that exploded really was just any old red double-decker bus that you can see around London. Just the number 30 bus. The people driving directly behind and in front must have felt no different than I did in that traffic jam yesterday, moments before it exploded. And my precious baby boy in the back of my car…. Too awful to contemplate. But I am not planning on letting it make me fearful or anything. I’m just noting how it made me feel the first time after the event. I can’t avoid buses – they are evvverywhere where I live, like in any other part of London! Life will start to feel normal again and people are already getting on with things. I hate that people had to die and get hurt though, it’s so awful. I just pray that God will protect me and Arthur when we go places, and Neil too, and keep us safe from all harm. Then I feel safe and ready to go again. He is my shield and I trust in him. It will be okay, despite terrible happenings and people who hurt other people.

Ooh I don’t want to end on that note! What else can I tell you that has happened lately? Ohhh I have a fabric addiction. Seriously. I need professional help or something! I just can’t help it when I see lilac satin in a remnant box in the haberdashery dept when I’m shopping, because now I’m thinking, “Oooh a special nappy or wrap for my new little niece!” *sigh* I don’t know WHAT I will do if I ever have a baby girl. All the nappies I’ve sewn (except for maybe 9 or 10) were for my little boy, and I don’t mind girls wearing nappies with fire trucks on, but you just KNOW I am going to want to sew cute nappies with pink princesses and glittery stars on them! Neil is very tolerant of my addiction, though he does roll his eyes if I sheepishly admit to having “maybe possibly just purchased a tiny little bit of fabric”. He says we need to move house just for the fabric to have a room of its own, hehe! So I did buy the lilac satin. Oh my goodness, it will make the most girlie-cute outer for a PUL wrap, if I bind the legs with matching microfleece or something! I can’t wait to sew it! And I bought a nice leafy print cotton remnant too. I don’t know why though. Ohhh the addiction! It’s a terrible thing. I finally replaced the twin needles that I broke on the Cuddlebun I was making a while back. I also bought a replacement so that if it happens again I don’t have to wait 2 weeks and then go shopping for another one! Now hopefully I can finish that Cuddlebun and get started on the next one. I LOVE sewing nappies. They are so much fun!!

Okay I am all typed out, whether or not I have missed things out, and it’s too late so I must go to bed. I will update again as soon as I can. I love writing my diary! :)

God. And how much I need him.

Today feels so weird and blue and I don't know why. Is it to do with yesterday's bomb attacks maybe? I don't know. I just feel weirder than I have felt for a long time. I don't think it's just about that though. Stuff has been festering for a long time, and when everything around feels insecure then I guess festering stuff gets magnified.

I can't really write here about what's festering because I don't trust myself to write nicely. Although that's not true, I DO trust myself to write nicely. But I don't know. Before yesterday I had started a diary entry as usual and Arthur woke so I saved it on Word and never got to finish it. Yesterday I wasn't about to post it anyway because I wanted to just write that we are okay after the bombings and stuff. Now I don't want to post it. I don't want to be like I was being then. I hope it's okay that I'm just gonna drop whatever loose ends could have been tied up about guestbook messages. It was stressing me out too much, and I wrote like 5 really stressy paragraphs and now I don't want to think about it.

I don't like who I am becoming at the moment. I feel it creeping in, especially at night when I lie awake, I see how I am changing inside, and it's like rot spreading. That sounds gross and extreme, but that's honestly how I feel about some of the ways I think lately. I don't like it. Don't like it at all. I don't even say here, but that's probably good since I would hate to be seen as I really am at the moment. What a contrast with the "old" me, in my old diary, where I used to be as honest as honest could be, warts and all. I did not mind people seeing the worst of me. Now I do. Why is that? Do I concern myself more with what my readers think of me now? I don't know why that should be. I still mainly write my diary just for ME, to offload and record things that are important to me. But maybe that's just what I THINK, and actually I am subconsciously writing for an audience. That is not good, if that is the case. Lately I am aware that a few people are boycotting my diary, or I guess just avoiding it. If they still read me then they are doing a good job of avoiding my guestbook, when they used to regularly leave friendly comments and I happen to know still leave other people friendly comments. This should NOT bother me, and what is more, I should not even have NOTICED anything like this, even if it's true! But I'm horrible, and letting things like that matter and upset me, and festering about it and wondering what I did wrong or why people avoid me or stop liking me, and that leads to anger towards said people and bitterness which eats me all. through. each and every. day. When actually I might be wrong and nobody is avoiding me!

Is this not crap of me?

And that is literally only one tiny weeny example out of a lot of others crap things happening in my head. I don't know why I am changing. Noooooo no, Alice, you know perfectly well why, so don't even think of letting your fingers waffle out those words on the keyboard ahead of your brain.

I have a million things to write about today. So much to write about Arthur. Soooo many photos to show you. More thoughts to add about yesterday. Much of my usual cheerful waffle to spout. But I can't can't can't get past the written version of a lump in my throat. A lump in my keyboard (!) or something. I need to write and write and write and write and write and write like I used to in my old diary, until I feel better and I'm all written out with my feelings. I miss that. Why don't I just DO that here? That's why I made this new diary, so I could do that again, instead of just having a diary about Arthur. This IS a diary about Arthur, but mainly it's about Arthur's MUMMY, me.

Neil is working late tonight. I put Arthur to bed around 7pm, and he finally nursed nearly asleep and then dropped off around 7.30. Now it's 7.55, so he may well need resettling if he wakes at the half hour like he often does. Then he should be out for the evening, except that he's teething rather badly at the moment so he's a little more disturbed by teething pain at night. But anyway. Then I don't know when to expect Neil home, and he emailed me to say he has had a headache all day, which usually means he needs to go to bed and take a bowl with him when he gets home :( Poor Neil. So I don't know. I will probably start this entry and then lose the right mood to finish what I was saying if I get an interruption along the way. We'll see. Or maybe I'll just write it and save it for my personal file, and never add it to my diary. Who knows. Or maybe I'll never get past the end of this extremely long-winded paragraph?! ;)

For now, I will just push the London stuff to the back of my head, and maybe I will get the chance to write about it later. My own trifling waffle is so trivial compared with it all, and I feel guilty for it, but I know I shouldn't really, so I'll push London to the back till I've purged. Or just waffled some more - whatever this entry ends up being. But long. It will undoubtedly be long!

Here's the thing:

I need God.

There it is, in a nutshell. With a huge emphasis on the word, "need". I just don't know how to write about it, because my feelings seem like tidal waves, so overwhelming and I don't know how to pick them apart or understand them, let alone explain them. All I know is, I am needing God right now like I can't even describe. Everything in me longs - LONGS - for him. Every fibre of my being. I feel raw and screaming-inside with it. For the first time in a long time, definitely the first time since Arthur was conceived, I long for God so desperately that I feel frantic. I want to shut the world out, run away by myself, anything to get myself some space just for me and my loving Father God. I even need to find time away from Arthur to meet with God. I never felt so desperate for time alone with God before. Well actually that is probably a total lie, since I have been through desperate times more than once since I became a Christian, and had a lot of similar feelings to this before. But anyway.

I sit here crying just because it welled up and poured out of me when I typed those three words that said it all, "I need God" Just writing it made me cry. Such is my longing for his touch.

I know God has been prodding me lately. I guess I have been far from him for a little while. Never so far that I don't say the odd prayer or remember that he is in my life, but you know, that's all. The passion all went. Writing that just makes me weep.

I don't know how to describe my relationship with God, or my feelings for him, my love for him, the things that have happened between us. It is all too big for actual words so I don't know how. I used to manage to express it so much more easily than I'm doing now, tsk. There is just nothing like it. Nothing. Nothing even comes close. It's like a whole different level of emotional feeling, a whole 'nother gear of feelings, that I never knew existed before I became a Christian. I had noooo idea what I was getting myself into, hehe! I was 19 when I became a Christian. October 15th 1995. In the evening. Wow, ten years in October! That is just one of the most precious calender dates in my life, because of how wonderful that evening was, and how A. Mazingly my life has changed since. I had no idea on the evening of October 15th 1995. Noooo idea. I just thought, "Ooh, this seems like a nice thing to believe, and I would like to subscribe to it since I feel it is something that will truly help me with everything I have struggled with in my life so far." Plus, I listened to what Christians believed, weighed up what I thought about it, and decided yeah, I believed it could be true too. I thought that was all it was about!!! It makes me smile at myself now when I think about it, after all that has happened since! :)

I did not know that God would actually come right into my life and touch me, physically, emotionally, spiritually, every which way. I had no idea he was that real! I had no idea I could KNOW him, and love him because he's as concrete and tangible as Neil or Arthur or anyone else lovely. I mean, I don't sit opposite him at the table each evening and I have never seen his face. But I FEEL him. His touch has even become familiar to me, and nothing else feels like it. I talk so much that inevitably I spend nearly all my time with God just waffling on, but I also learnt that if I wait in silence and let my heart do the talking and praising, he speaks to me and I can hear his voice. Not booming like in the comedy programmes on TV, but quiet and gentle, or just intangibly, like soft electricity touched against my very skin that can be translated into meaning. If I listen and make my heart open to him, he has blessed me with so much that amazes me. He gives me words of encouragement to say to others, about things that I don't even KNOW about, and which they tell me is exactly what they needed to hear to comfort them, and of course there's no explaining it but for God, so he gets the glory like he should :) He pours songs and poetry into me. I never share this with others really, it's too personal between me and God. I write down the songs and words as they appear in my heart or my mind. I sing them when I want to be at my most intimate with God, because there aren't words to me that are more intimate than the ones God has given me. Once he seemed to plop a melody in my heart along with words, and it was just the most beautiful love song I ever heard. I couldn't have written it. But there it was pouring out of my mouth as I sat alone with God one day. I wrote it down as soon as my prayer time was over, and I still sing it but it makes me cry lately because of how far I have come from that place.

Arthur is crying in his sleep, poor little lamb. I hope he is not having a bad dream. He doesn't seem to, as far as I am aware. Maybe his teeth are hurting him. Poor Boo.

Anyway. So lately I am getting a few familiar "prods", shall we say, from God. Ones that I have had before when I have felt far from him for a while and he has been calling me back to him. Out of the blue, a line of a worship song will just drop into my head. Which is quite an unusual thing when I haven't really had ANY worship songs in my head for a long time. The line is always super-relevant to me at the time. It's almost always just telling me that God loves me. Although sometimes it is more specific, to tell me that he knows my heart and the thing I am going through is going to be okay. He melts my heart, he woos me, like it says in Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs, whichever you call it) in the Bible, to call me back to him. Over and over, all he seems to want to tell me is that he loves me, loves me, loves me, and nothing else matters but the fact that he loves me. He loves me more than words too, because sometimes my emotions randomly react as though someone injected me with mushiness over the realisation that I am loved beyond comprehension by this awesome God. Totally out of the blue sometimes, like while I am driving my car and not even THINKING about God, lately. I nearly pulled over today on the way home from the supermarket, such was the strength of emotion that hit me. That's when I got such an urge to just drive into the distance till I was away from every distraction and every person, and could just BE with God alone, and be intimate with him until I don't know, he reminded me that I needed to go home again or something! But I can't do that anymore, because my precious little boy was in the back of the car, and he he needs me all the time now. I can't just randomly drive off to some nature spot like I used to, and sit till the sun has set, crying and singing and praying aloud, and laughing for sheer tingly joy because I am feeling close to God. All of a sudden I felt trapped, claustrophobic, frantic, about getting space with God. I felt bad about it because it seemed to clash with how I felt for Arthur. Which doesn't feel right inside. Not how I FELT for Arthur, but just.... I don't know. Like I should never have an urge to be somewhere other than in ARTHUR'S presence. And I did.

Urgh.

This week Arthur and I went into town to pick up a couple of things (a bib that is like an all-covering raincoat for Arthur's messy solids! And needles for my nappy sewing. And a couple of toys that I couldn't resist for Arthur!) and we found ourselves walking past the Christian bookshop. I turned around and went back, I don't know why. I just thought, why not? Nothing I want or need there, but I just felt like walking in and glancing around the shelves, that's all. So we went in. A song that I don't know but which was obviously being sung by Hillsongs Australia was playing, and I can't for the life of me remember anything about the words or tune now, but at the time it touched me so much that I very nearly just stood and cried right there in the middle of the shop with Arthur in the pushchair. When worship songs do that to me, I always know God is touching me, reaching out to me, wanting to love on me.

I remember Meg once said to me that she felt that God has been missing me lately. It really touched me at the time, but lately it keeps being on my mind. Does he really love me THAT much, that he misses ME?! I know it's true, that he DOES love me that much, and he even misses me when I don't spend time with him. It just boggles my brain, that's all. And right now it hurts in my heart that I have neglected the one I love so very much, so that he misses me and has to call me back to him because I have wandered from his side.

I know that this is why my thoughts are crazy at the moment. Why I am becoming bitter and resentful and yucky and stuff. Why things get to me instantly and I want to react with spite when I never never never do that with God close by my side. It never even occurs to me to be horrid or bitter or spiteful or paranoid about things when I am close to God. That is why these things are a big big neon warning sign to me that I am straying too far from my God.

I suddenly feel so tired of things. Tired of me. Tired of life without God. It's such an effort and I just go round and round in ever decreasing circles and end up despising myself because actually it IS true that I can’t do life without God. I just disintegrate. I die inside. It’s literally like, God with me = light on; God not with me = light off. Of course he is always with me, but you know what I mean. I can’t fathom how I lived without him.

This afternoon in the car, I figetted around restlessly with the radio controls, the ones I am normally content to just listen to, whatever chart music or similar stuff is on. But today (and other days this week) I am restless to get away from such music. My soul craves worship and praise, and music that stirs me about God again. I fiddled around till I found a Christian radio station that I used to listen to a long while ago. There was 5 minutes of chat about the bombings in London (it’s a London-based station) and how the church is responding, which was interesting. Then the news and boring adverts and stuff, and then suddenly this song began playing that seemed very familiar but I don’t think I have heard the words before, and I have just googled the lyrics (by Brendan Graham) that touched me so that I wanted to cry and cry to ease the ache in my heart. Here they are:

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up... to more than I can be.
You raise me up... to more than I can be.

Oh my goodness, how totally relevant those words were to my heart today. It’s like God himself spoke them to my soul, just when I needed to hear them. Not just for how I’ve been feeling lately, but for the hurt in there about the London bombings too. The verse was relevant and touching, but it was the part about God raising me up so that I can stand on mountains that broke my heart. Every time I heard that line it was like wave upon wave of wonder afresh at the realisation that God DOES raise me up. He personally lifts me when I am down. He has done this time and time and time again, till I can’t even count them all. Boy oh boy am I weak. But in Christ I am strong. Because it’s like the song, and like when you are a little child, when you sit on your Daddy’s shoulders, you are on top of the world, protected, raised up, thrilled, close to someone strong and protective who loves you, and strong as strong can be. More than I can be on my own, that’s for sure. What a blessed relief it is to remember, to realise again, that I am God’s and he is mine. That I am safe in his arms. That I am allowed to fail, because he always loves me and he raises me up. I haven’t done this for a LONG time, years actually, but just this second a Bible verse popped into my head and I have the urge to end my entry with it. I will have to write another entry about the “normal” stuff that is piling up another time (hopefully tomorrow). I’m so glad I wrote about this tonight. My little soul feels better. Soothed, somehow. I love God. Love him, love him, love him. I could sing of his love forever.

Oh gosh, here is the extent of my lapse – I can’t FIND my Bible!!! Aaaargh!! Where is it?!! I neeeeed my Bible all of a sudden. I will have to use Neil’s, and that is okay, it’s still a Bible after all (!), but my Bible just makes me smile at the sight of it, though it’s the exact same version/cover as Neil’s. I feel warm and fuzzy towards my Bible! Hehe! It is battered and Neil’s is not. It is marked and written in, and full of pages that are crinkled and stuck together where I have cried over verses, and there are pages and pages of my favourite verses written out in the back. I miss my Bible! But anyway, I will look up the verse I want from Neil’s Bible.

Oh wow. An hour later, and I am just completely lost in wonderful wonderful verses! Neil is home now too. I meant to search for a specific verse in Psalm 3 (if my memory serves me right), but opening the Psalms was like opening a massive box of scrumptious chocolates, and I couldn’t help reading and reading, and being more and more delighted to read those lovely words again. Now I have found sooooo much that is relevant to me at the moment, and in particular plenty that is super-relevant to the situation in London, that I don’t know WHAT to quote here as the end of my entry! I was going to quote a verse that tells of God being the lifter of my head and my shield and other wonderful things. I feel so happy that I am excited to be reading my Bible! My heart is leaping with excitement to read about God!! I can’t describe how happy this makes me :)

Ohhhhh there are SO many!! So many verses and I keep going, “Oooh! Look at THAT one! I simply HAVE to quote that one tonight!!” and then I’ll let my eye wander and see another one that’s just as wonderful and relevant. God is lovely.

Okay I managed to pick one. It’s how I feel, and also it is a better declaration for me than the one I made in yesterday’s entry after the terrorist attack on London. I am part of a “we” with other Londoners, and I stand with the declaration that we will not be terrorised, and we will not be divided. But also, I have been forgetting lately that I am a child of the living God. I am a “we” with my brothers and sisters in Christ. And this is my declaration as part of that “we”:

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging…. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." (Psalm 46:1-3;7)

We are okay

Thank you so much to everyone who left me messages hoping we are okay after the terrorist attack on London. I'm sorry it has taken all day to write this. We are all fine. Thankfully, the four different bombs went off nowhere near where we live. We live in SW London, south of the Thames, which is Greater London rather than central London, and the bombs were all north of the Thames in central London. I am just so so so so so so thankful that Neil does not work in central London. Most people who live around here seem to, in his field of work, and he has been looking for jobs in central London, till recently when he got a new job within his company. I'm just glad he DOESN'T. He works a few miles from where we live, still in SW London. He does go into his company's London office from time to time, like yesterday he was due to, but he got to stay and focus on the new job he just started this week instead. Otherwise he would have been on the tubes and trains and all sorts. But that would have been yesterday, not today.

London feels like a scary place to be right now, even out here in the more suburby part.

I don't know how I feel about it, I guess I feel shocked at the moment. Yesterday I was crying watching the TV because London won the bid to host the 2012 Olympics - and I'm not that huge an Olympic fanatic, but I just felt soooo proud of London. I love being in London. It is home like nowhere else could ever be. Proud is always exactly how I feel. I walk the streets with pride because it's mine, y'know? When London won that bid, I felt like, "Yeah, we did it!!" even though I had nothing to do with it personally! But London is mine, to me. I feel like I am a part of its tapestry, woven in there tightly. I was born in north central London and lived there till I was 10 months old and my parents moved to where I live now. I have never lived anywhere else but London. Most of my family are Londoners - though actually my mum's side is from oop narth and Scotland.

Yesterday I was soooo thrilled about the Olympic bid, and crying and laughing like a crazy person at the celebrations on TV, and giving Arthur extra excitable squeezes and telling him that he would be 7 when the Olympics happen right HERE!!! How exciting that will be, and he will know all about it by that age. I felt proud to bursting and sang him that song, "Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner, that I love London town!" (not sung correctly unless you sing it like, "Maybe it's becoz ahhmuh Lundunuuuuh, tha' I luv Lundun taaaaahhhhn!!" ;) ).

And then today I am crying watching the TV because, I don't know, I just hurt watching the people who make up "us" with me and a million other Londoners, injured and scared and bloodied and soot-covered and shocked. I saw the remains of the bus that blew apart and it just looked like any old red double-decker bus that goes past the end of my road every 15 minutes, and I see people sitting packed out on those buses all the time. All the time. And to think that it was just like that and all of a sudden ripped apart like that, and people killed and injured so badly. I saw an eyewitness who said he saw - I'm sorry to write this - body parts, and that they included those of children. That just broke me completely. Maybe it would have anyway, but I notice I am so much more tender about children now that I am a mother. I mean, not that I wasn't tender towards them before, but you know. Something changes and every child could be your own.

I held Arthur super close today. Super close. I stood holding him to my chest with his cheek pressed against mine as we both watched the TV screen, and I prayed aloud for the people I was seeing and cried. It just breaks your heart to see it and feel for the people. Praying for them made me cry more because of how it somehow makes me get in there with their pain to lift them to God. But I had to pray. How could you not? You feel so helpless watching things like that.

My brother and his Sarah live further into London than we do, but not near enough the bomb sites to be a problem. He is okay, but Sarah works in central London and as far as I know is still stranded there. I hope she is okay. I tried to call them twice this evening but there is no answer. I know Bennie (that's my brother) spoke to her after it all happened and she was safely at work, having made it there on the tubes, but I don't know how she will get home again, noooo idea. They are telling everyone to walk home, but that could take her hours, and how would anyone have the energy for that? I worry that Bennie has gone to meet her somewhere halfway, which is most likely actually. He would want to go to her if possible. I hope they are okay, and home soon, and not too exhausted.

They said that Londoners should stay where they are and not travel today. I know I am probably too far out of the danger zone to heed that, but still I felt nervous and I wanted to stay home, so we did. You feel safer in your nest when crazy things are happening out there in the world. I know it's not healthy to think like that too much, but today I was glad to stay in my house with my little one and watch it on TV. I knew there was no risk to me if I went out in my local area, but I still didn't want to. The whole thing just scared me.

It is pouring with rain suddenly, which is NOT going to help things.

Urgh. Such a sad day :(

I have lots of normal stuff to say but I just don't feel like saying it right now. I have some lovely photos too. But I will update tomorrow hopefully in a happier mood and update as normal. It's late anyway so I should climb in bed next to my lil Boo and snuggle close to him and sleep.

I loved the speech that Tony Blair made. I really agreed with the things he said in it. I wish I could remember it all off the top of my head, but what stuck out was when he said that life will continue and the terrorists will not succeed in terrorising us. London rises up in strength just like New York did, from such an event. People come together, they don't get divided. I like how he did what he needed to do here and then went back to business at the G8 summit. If that was why they struck, they didn't stop it happening.

London has survived far worse carnage and come out stronger than ever, and so we will again. I know that lives have been lost today and so many people hurt and countless more people will be emotionally scarred by today's events, but I still do not think that the terrorists have "succeeded". I am scared and shocked, but I will not live my life differently because people have tried to force us to.

"We will not be terrorised."

3 weeks in, and struggling...

Okay, TOTALLY not coping at all with having two children under two. I warn you now, this entry will have no photos and it won't be the kind of entry that you want to read with your cup of coffee to enjoy catching up with how I'm doing or something. So please feel free to read no further! It's 12.30pm, the boys are finally asleep at the same time and I have finally emptied my bladder for the first time since yesterday. So now I have a window to either fall over and go unconscious till somebody wakes me up, or unload a little in my diary. I am so tired I just want to curl up and die, but that just tells you how much I need to de-stress, that I am here writing instead.

I sooooooo can't do this. I am seriously not managing at all - SERIOUSLY. Even just a week ago, I had no concept of how hard it could be to have to manage the two little ones on my own with their own little set of complicating factors. I don't know how much time I have to write, and I really don't want to start this, write 2 paragraphs, and then have to suddenly stop and come back 4 hours later and try to get back in touch with how I was feeling when I was writing the first 2 paragraphs, etc, to finish it off.

So I will try to summarize.

Matthew cries all the time. ALL the time. ALL. THE. TIME. He isn't acting in awful pain since I cut out milk, but he is ultra fussy. He cries any time he is not on the breast, or in my arms. Sometimes he cries in my arms all the same. I can't wear him in any slings because my back. Is. Killing. Me. I don't know if that's from crappy sleep, bad posture while breastfeeding, lifting Arthur, walking Matthew for millions of miles across my carpet, etc. Or even the times I have TRIED him in the slings I have. My back hurt a lot on all those occasions, so that may have made it worse. Or just tension? But anyway, he goes in my arms or not in contact with me at all, those seem to be the only two options. So obviously, you know my heart about parenting my babies - I want them attached to me more than not. So I hold him. This would be fine if he was my only child. But he's not.

Damnit, he's waking up.

Okay, still here for now. So if I give Matthew the comfort he needs, Arthur gets about half an hour out of 24 of my full attention - I kid you not, and the poor child has nobody else around but me all day. Arthur is playing up a lot lately. I don't know if it's his age or his understandable difficulty with the situation, but it's driving me crazy. He tries to climb out of the window, turns the CD player up to full volume, all those kinds of things. He bangs his head on EVERYTHING and has a permanent shiner (raised and blue) in the centre of his forehead.

He's definitely awake (Matthew). Will try holding him and typing with the other hand maybe...

Back, Matthew in one arm.

Matthew can't suck at the breast like he needs to (he wants to suck ALL the the time) because of my darn milk. Now, don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to have such plentiful milk and I promise you I am so grateful for it. But certain aspects are getting me down and adding to certain complications. My milk supply appears to be the same as with Arthur - oversupply with very forceful letdown reflex, only possibly a little more so. Matthew takes down crazy amounts of wind and brings up equally crazy amounts of milk. I'm having to work hard on getting his balance of foremilk and hindmilk right because he gets so much milk so fast that he doesn't feed for long, and that means he gets a lot of foremilk but not so much hindmilk. Which gives him tummy ache and green poo if I don't control it a bit.

The leaking is also an annoyance. I don't make little damp patches on my clothes, I SOAK my clothes, top AND trousers, as though someone has poured a cup of milk down my front. My breasts are bigger this time so my nursing bras aren't generous enough to fit any brand of breastpads in them - even the larger ones that I bought new for this time round. Some of them are too tight to wear at all. When my milk lets down, it sprays like a fire hose, whether there's somebody attached at the time or not, and forces right through my bra so that my bra drips from the outside. It's so frustrating.

Arthur might wake shortly. Matthew wasn't happy in my arms so I lay in bed with him, nursed him, burped him, nursed him, mopped up sick, burped him, and then he cried so now I have resorted to nursing him again in one arm while I type this with the other.

I swear I barely ever put my breasts away at the moment! I know Matthew is at a growth spurt age (3 weeks) and anyway he has been feeding like crazy for the last few days so I'm sure that's part of it. But it's still hard with him feeding 1-2 hourly (sometimes more) around the clock. He is a little better at night at the moment, 2-3 hourly for most of it and then back to cluster feeding again in the early morning. Arthur wants milk ALL the time. He is refusing meals, but some days he eats pretty normally - usually with lots of encouragement from us. He wants to feed when Matthew does, which I usually accommodate for him, and also basically whenever he sees me! Or when he's hurt, or hungry, or tantrumy, or tired, etc, etc.

Matthew is off the breast on my lap and hopefully asleep! No sounds from Arthur yet, so I hope I get some more stuff off my chest for a bit longer.

I'm losing my train of thought.... where was I? Oh feeding. Yeah, I am just not enjoying my boys like I should be.

Under pressure, it turns out that I am actually total crap at this motherhood thing. Oh crap, Arthur is awake. See? My sweet little love has graced me with his lovely presence and all I want to say is, "Oh crap, can't you sleep for a bit longer?!" With Matthew's crying, I constantly find myself saying or thinking now, "Oh for God's sake, what's the matter NOW?!" in an angry way. Sometimes I just want to slam him down and leave him to cry, but my heart won't let me leave him for long, as I know a newborn baby can't understand or cope with being left alone. I just want him to shut up more often than not, and fewer and fewer are the times that I respond to him with mushy love hoping to meet his needs and help him stop crying in that kind of way. I just plain want him to shut up and give me a moment's peace or a moment to get my own needs or Arthur's needs met.

And as far as Arthur is concerned, he is having a crappy time of it too, the poor love. I seem to just have no control over my temper all of a sudden, and the slightest thing makes me snap. I get worried for my kids because I am not sure if I will hurt them or not, honestly. I have been behaving WAY too roughly with Arthur when he persists in doing something unsafe or to wind me up for the millionth time when I have been asking him not to or trying my best to distract him while my arms are busy with a crying baby. I finally just snap and yank him hard away from whatever he's doing. Sometimes hard enough so that he falls or something.

Yesterday we attempted a walk around the corner to try and stop Matthew crying, and I wore Matthew in the Hotsling. He slept while we walked so that was something. It was okay except that my back hurt a LOT and I got totally exhausted, and on the way home Arthur stopped being such a totally good boy as he was being beforehand. Once we got to our road, which thankfully is a quiet cul-de-sac, he broke away from my hand and stood in the middle of the road so I had to go and retrieve him. Once I tried to, he went weak at the knees and sank onto the road. Everytime I picked him up by the hand, he laughed and flopped down at the knees. I tried leaving him to it, but he just crawled around the road having lots of fun! I couldn't bend over and use both hands because I had to keep one hand on the sling when bending over. Plus my back. Ow. So in the end I had to pick Arthur up by the wrist and literally carry him to our driveway like that. Today he has friction marks on his wrist in the shape of two of my fingers. I feel so ashamed, but much more so because I know I am generally being too rough with him, and he could well have plenty of marks on him from stuff I'm doing to him. When I am stretched to absolute breaking point and Matthew is screaming and has been for hours, and Arthur is just laughingly doing something that he KNOWS really gets on my nerves and plain ISN'T SAFE and won't listen to me at all when I ask him to stop, I honestly just want to HURT him, such is my anger towards him. I just feel like I am snapping inside, and I want to dig my fingernails into him when I grab him to stop him, or just crush some part of him with my hands when I try to hold him still to listen to what I'm saying so he'll understand the urgency of it.

How shit am I?

I cry every day but not because I'm "bluesy", rather just because I am completely overwhelmed and unable to cope with the situation. I phone Neil in tears at work saying I can't look after the boys. I just suck at it so much.

I do love them, but you really wouldn't know it from watching me if you were a fly on the wall, so what does it matter to say that I love them?

I feel like I am doing two people's jobs. I am constantly running and I do mean RUNNING between the two of them. If I have to be out of the room that they're both in for a few seconds, say to get a drink for Arthur or something, I am constantly shouting over my shoulder to Arthur not to touch Matthew and to be gentle with him, etc. I don't feel safe leaving them alone together.

Matthew is left alone to cry and cry and cry MANY times a day, not because I would ever want him to have to go through that in a million years, but because after a couple of hours I simply HAVE to attend to Arthur for something or other. Naps are a total nightmare. Today it took two hours to get Arthur down for his nap, as Matthew kept waking and crying and crying and CRYING before Arthur was able to fall asleep. So I'd stop with Arthur and run to Matthew and settle him a bit, and then run back to Arthur and nurse him and then Matthew would wake and cry and cry and CRY till I just couldn't bear it any longer and had to stop with Arthur again to go back to Matthew. Arthur eventually started getting to things that weren't safe or that he really shouldn't be doing as he knew it was something we have always told him NOT to do, while I was trying to breastfeed Matthew to sleep (the only chance that we'd get to have long enough to nurse ARTHUR to sleep), and in the end I had to put Arthur in time-out in the travel cot while I nursed Matthew to sleep. This worked okay but it took 10 minutes to nurse him to sleep so Arthur got longer in time-out than he should be getting at his age. But Matthew woke AGAIN and cried before Arthur could nurse to sleep. And then pooed. So I had to take him downstairs and change him while Arthur went back in time-out for going back to the same things he had been put there for doing in the first place. I did warn him but he did them anyway. This time Arthur was HYSTERICAL in time-out and Matthew was in a state so that I couldn't leave him to comfort Arthur. I didn't expect Arthur to be so upset, but I suppose we did leave him alone this time. Anyway he had to wait way too long in the travel cot again, and I can't remember what happened next but finally Matthew stayed asleep for 5 minutes straight and Arthur was able to nurse to sleep. When I came back in here after that, Matthew woke up and the rest is written here. THAT kind of thing makes me cry.

Every day is the same. I am not coping, or "doing really well" as so many people keep telling me. I am literally NOT coping. I know it's meant to be hard, but I am absolutely not up to the challenge, I assure you. The reason I am still here when Neil gets home from work is not because I have coped with the day and got through it, it is because time has continued to pass and somehow I haven't imploded, and thus I am still in existance by the end of the day. Surprisingly, to me, but there we go. I feel like I am just hanging on by a thread to my sanity, and to my role as a mother to my little boys. I am hanging on with no control over how long my thread might last before it breaks, and all I can think about is getting time where I am not demanded of ALL the time. I can only think about Neil getting home from work to help me, and even then that is not a stress-free time of relief. It's usually a time where Neil tries to soothe Matthew, Arthur runs about shrieking, and I cry on the sofa.

We are using dummies for Matthew because of his intense need to suck and my absolute inadequacy to meet his needs while also being able to do anything for myself or Arthur. I hate dummies. But I never loved them as much as I love them right now! Matthew seems so comforted by sucking them, though at first he rejected them like Arthur did the one time we tried him with them - he needed to suck like this too but we had no other children to look after so it was fine for us to spend 3 hours with our little finger in Arthur's mouth or for me to lie on the sofa all day nursing him on and off.

It is absolutely unfathomable, how I can possibly manage to cope with the way things are at the moment. There need to be at least two of me to even come close to meeting both the boys' needs, and to give me enough relief so that I'm unstressed enough to stop snapping at and being rough with Arthur. I just feel more resentment towards both of them with each day that passes and that just breaks my heart. But it's like a slippery slope that I can't stop my progress on, because unless something changes to make it easier to cope, I am going to go insane and my children are not going to be safe with me. But nothing is going to change because it can't. So I am afraid of the next few weeks.

I am utterly ashamed of the way I have become as a parent. I haven't wanted to write about it here even, but now I am too far gone to care.

Matthew has a horrible nappy rash that Arthur never suffered from as a newborn. And yesterday he had really mucousy green poo again. I am still off milk so I don't know why it has suddenly started up again. He isn't acting in awful pain like before I gave up milk, but he DOES seem uncomfortable a lot. Though that could just be the awful rash, it looks really sore. We've tried creams galore, frequent changes, air-time, and camomile-tea-soaked liners in his nappies. But it persists, and now the green mucousy poo. So I guess it's another food allergy that I can't figure. I guess I will have to cut out all dairy and see if it improves, but that pretty much means I don't get to EAT, since dairy is a huge part of my diet, and the mainstay of the "easy" foods that I am sometimes able to get for myself in a few seconds at lunchtime. I don't know. I haven't cut it out yet, because it's just another thing to have to "organise" that seems too much right now, but I know Matthew won't get comfier or happier until I do SOMETHING and find out what is bothering his tummy.

Well, Arthur has been up for 30 minutes now, and he is being such a good boy sitting on the bed "reading" my books (ironically he is thumbing through "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems", haha!) while Matthew is sleeping on a pillow on my lap. My back is killing me and it's nearly 2pm and none of us have had lunch. So I should go. Thank GOD it's Friday. But weirdly I am not basking much in the relief. I am already panicking about how in 2 days it will be nearly the end of Sunday and I will be faced with the insurmountable task of another full week with Neil at work again.

I don't know what to do. But there's nothing to be done so I will try to put Matthew in his cot without him waking, and take Arthur downstairs and attempt to get him to eat some solid food. And maybe if I'm lucky I'll get something to eat myself. I know I need to keep up my fluids and a good diet with all the breastfeeding I'm doing - believe me I know! I'm doing my best, and mostly succeeding, but sometimes it is literally impossible.

If you've got this far and you don't want to kick my head in, you have a heart of gold. Matthew wakes. Bugger.

Grandoug's 80th and parsnip waffle

It’s late and I’m superly-duperly tired so this will have to be a brief (haha!) update. Of course, knowing me, it will be as long as ever and I’ll finish it at 1am or something!

Thanks for all the notes and guestbook messages :) Jemma, what a weird dream! I don’t know what it means either, but I like that we are all nice and friendly (if a little odd!) even in your dreams! :) Let me know if I send you Arthur in the post in another dream. Then I will worry! ;)

Liz, I don’t plan on talking to my doctor about my lack of interest in parsnips. I don’t know if you know my history, but I don’t think that it “shouldn’t” be this way if I am so happy with Neil. That idea is kind of negative and pressurising, though it did used to cross my mind. I stopped letting it because it was just upsetting me and making me worry over probably nothing. Not every couple are going to be at it like rabbits all the time! Nor it is abnormal for a couple to find that the whole world does not revolve around having parsnips. I know it is important to our marriage relationship to maintain physical intimacy, but it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong that I need to see a doctor about if I am not interested. Some women just aren’t, and they are no less normal. Of course if it is causing problems in the relationship then things need addressing, or at least big-time communicating about the issue, so that it doesn’t fester under the surface with feelings unexpressed and things unsaid.

This is why, a year before Arthur was conceived, we started psycho-parsnip therapy. It’s all detailed (although not TOO detailed!) in my old diary. We started it because I had been housebound with a rather debilitating illness for 2 years. Now THAT will put a stop to your parsnip life, if anything will! Of course things go right off the boil if you are ill, frightened, exhausted, stressed, and un-parsnipy for two years solid. That is completely normal! But I still stressed and worried about it while I was ill. The illness I had (M.E.) meant that I could not exert myself even slightly, without making my illness worse. At my worst, brushing my teeth or crawling to the toilet could put me in bed for days. Seriously. Man, I forgot just how much that illness sucked. Urgh. Thank you Lord for healing me :)

But anyway, obviously parsnips of any variety were out of the question. M.E. is good at actually obliterating libido anyhow, so that didn’t help. I got M.E. within weeks of getting married, so we had not exactly had a good start on the old parsnips front! We chose to wait till we got married before having parsnips, because we felt that was what God would have us do. Of course, making this decision 3 years before we got married, and being human and finding each other irresistible, this idea did not last long! We did have lots of parsnips back in those days, but it was mainly super-fun because it was kind of not allowed, in our minds, I guess. Anyway, over the months we both found ourselves being less interested in going to church, and just feeling less close to God in general. We talked about it a lot, and both felt strongly that it was the parsnips that seemed to be getting in the way of our relationship with God, so we quit. Man that was difficult!! But we did. I missed my closeness with God so so so much. I used to cry after parsnips and not be able to stop. It wasn’t a huge guilt trip so much as just feeling the connection between having had parsnips and staying with this distant feeling between me and God. I just couldn’t shake it. I am not ashamed to say that I love God more than I could ever love Neil, or even Arthur. He is my first love. And I have been neglecting him way too much lately. But that is another subject. Anyway, so parsnips would make me cry and long for God. Weird huh? So we stopped, about a year before we got married. That year was GREAT. My relationship with God was awesome. My relationship with Neil was no less wonderful. We were both super happy to have quit the parsnips till we were married, in fact, it felt great and “right” to have done that. When we got married, parsnips was like we had never had any before, as though the past stuff was erased. I love God, and I’m glad we waited.

But I guess I haven’t been so interested since the pre-marital parsnips. Maybe I am just rebellious by nature and prefer things when I am not meant to be doing them! My mum would definitely vouch for this! ;)

Then I got M.E, like IMMEDIATELY after we got married. Ugh. Two and a bit years later, God healed me, in a church meeting that I could barely make it to, just like that, in one evening :) I love him so much. He has blessed me like I could never imagine. It took me a while to build up my strength again, but I could do anything I wanted without feeling ill. Knackered, yes, but not ill. The difference was phenomenal. So, official green light for parsnips! But no rush, we thought, plenty of time to catch up on that as I got my strength back. Believe me, after two years as ill as I was, parsnips was the last thing on my mind. Wonderful things like going outdoors and climbing the stairs ranked much more importantly for a long time. Then it started to feel like a good while had passed and I still couldn’t be bothered with parsnips. I started to worry about it around then.

And then, if memory serves me right, we hit a bad patch – a bad year I think – where we just were not close, in fact we seemed to not even like each other much for most of that time. We just seemed to be two people who happened to be living in the same house, who were starting to argue more about little things than they used to. Big alarm bells were going off but I couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it (another BIG alarm bell). I can’t actually believe this was us a few years ago now! It just seems so foreign to how our relationship is now. I am glad to have written about it as it happened though, as I am for all the ups and downs since my illness, because you forget, and everything is there to be learned from. So I’m glad it’s all there. But yes, so we had marriage counselling. After a while the subject of parsnips came up, and we were referred for psycho-parsnip therapy, which we had to wait for on a list for ages, like 8 months or something. By the time it came around we had gotten around to parsnips on our own, but we had various issues with interest and stuff still, which I wanted to sort out with a therapist, so I’m glad we stayed on the list. Things were a lot better for us from the marriage counselling too. We just hit a rut and forgot how to communicate and foster romanticness and stuff like that. When we learned how to again, things got so much better. We decided we might consider trying to conceive the next year, perhaps in the summer, and we started psycho-parsnip therapy. This went SO well – we had the most amazing therapist, and the sessions were fun and informal, and non-scary, and we got so much out of each and every session. We saw Cheryl, our therapist, for a year before we were officially ready to stop seeing her. One thing we learned from her is that if we aren’t interested in parsnips for like weeks at a time, it is NOT abnormal. Everybody is different. One of my goals at the start was to be having parsnips all the time by the end!!! Cheryl helped me see that this was not realistic if I wasn’t someone who WANTED to have parsnips all the time. And I’m not. But I’m normal. One thing we knew we needed to do after we finished therapy was to make sure that too much time did not elapse between parsnips, because that was a sure-fire way for us to lose intimacy and for it to become awkward again, so the cycle would start again and we’d stop the parsnips and lose intimacy in our relationship. Sooo we know all about it now. We know what to do, what signs to spot and how to spot them, and exactly how to fix any problems before they get worse.

We started trying to conceive as planned in the summer of 2003, half way through our therapy. I don’t think God wanted us to have a baby till we had our relationship fully sorted out though, because we didn’t conceive till after we had finished – in fact, a few weeks after we finished! I was so impatient that even though this was in the back of my mind, I still wanted to persevere before the therapy had finished! I kind of wondered if it might not happen till God was ready to let us start a family. I’m glad he made us wait till we were ready as a couple. We have a good foundation for our little family now.

Soooo then Arthur was conceived, and almost immediately I started bleeding with a threatened miscarriage, so thus stopped the parsnips, and they never resumed again after the long gap, until I was that desperate for him to leave my body around due-date time!! And then after that, owch. And since then, ow. And also, we are just beyond exhausted. Our little precious has not given us more than 3 nights of good sleep since he arrived, and I often feel sick or weepy with exhaustion. It is not easy for us to have parsnips, even though I know some couples would make room for it even with that level of exhaustion. Some people, like Jemma, have trouble waiting the 6 weeks post-partum! Good for them, but I am never going to be someone like that, and I don’t think it is healthy to compare, as it just adds needless pressure. I have recently read that breastfeeding hormones significantly affect libido. Significantly. Especially for extended breastfeeding, somehow. Some women find no such problem, but anyway, whatever reason, or compilation of reasons might be the cause of my lack of interest, I do not worry that it isn’t normal. I have a lot of good reasons not to be interested, and I have a lot more insight and knowledge about our parsnip relationship than my GP will ever have, so there is little point talking to anyone about it. Maybe I would consider running our situation by a parsnip therapist, but to be honest, we already know what we need to do and what signs we should be worrying about, etc. We do talk regularly about our relationship, and I will say if I am worried that we might be losing intimacy a little, and we discuss ways to rekindle that. I think we have a good solid relationship, which does have blips and irritations here and there now that we are always so sleep-deprived. But we have learnt a lot of things about a marriage relationship through the nearly-six years of our own. I am glad of the lessons, because they have made us stronger. Things are so different after the first year or two of marriage I think, things mellow out and you have to rely more on “maintenance” things, like good communication and just your growing awareness and familiarity with your husband, AS your husband, and less on the headiness of the early rabbits stuff, hehe! Neither of us are of the “rabbit” variety though (!!), so we are not too worried. I am confident that our parsnip relationship will return to as “normal” as it ever was, and maybe even change and surprise us, now that I have had a baby. Who knows. But I am not worried :)

Wow, what a long essay on my parsnip life!! So much so that hmmm, I don’t think I have time for the other stuff I wanted to write. Maybe just a couple of things…

Arthur will be 8 months old on Saturday!!!! Here is my broken record piece – I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!! Heh. Let’s see, what can I tell you about him lately? He is not crawling and has no teeth. He is not enjoying solids. Nope. No siree. He still takes a bit of banana but he acts digusted when he gets it in his mouth, and if he’s self-feeding he now pretty much just plays with it. I do mash some of the banana and while he is playing with it and a spoon, I use another spoon to pop some of it in here and there! Is that cheeky of me?! Anyway he does not seem too impressed but he carries on, and takes maybe a ¼ of a banana that way. Not much. Some days he won’t have any at all. We tried him on mashed sweet potato, and he gagged and retched and gagged and retched and didn’t swallow a single tiny bit. It all came back to the front of his mouth. I pumped enough milk to make the sweet potato pretty sloppy, and that seemed a little better for him, but he still did a lot of gagging and retching the moment he had any in his mouth. I don’t understand that, because he’s past the age where developmentally he should be doing that, especially on purees. Hmmm.

Anyway today we all ate a meal together again. We had turkey steaks (cut into strips/sticks for Arthur), mashed potato (his without anything added), and steamed broccoli. He had his own bowl, but still preferred our plates. In the end we let him help himself from our plates, but he basically chucked it around and played with it. He didn’t like the mess on his hands, and wouldn’t gum on any of the bigger bits, like the turkey or broccoli florets. Normally he’ll hold ANYTHING that kind of size and gum on it, no matter what it is, but he wouldn’t today. I think he didn’t like that it was moist and foody. That made him suspicious, hehe! He did eventually put his foody fingers in his mouth and make tasting faces though, so he got to taste potato and broccoli. He also let me hold turkey to his mouth and gave it a gum or two to taste it, but did not seem impressed at all.

One thing he DID like however, was when I gave him a crust of my marmite sandwich, knowing he wouldn’t eat it, and with the skinniest layer of marmite. He didn’t eat it, and I watched him like a hawk, but he did love the marmite!! Yay! He’s going to be a marmite-lover like his mummy, hoorah!! Man, I love marmite. I always have! He kept tasting it with the tip of his tongue and then making interested tasting faces!! Mind you, I have eaten a LOT of it during my pregnancy and whilst breastfeeding, and it has a strong taste so he’s bound to have had a flavour of it plenty of times before now. I can’t wait to give him wheat products though, because it’s so easy to offer finger foods once you can. I think he will like toast fingers and things. Also cheese. I can’t imagine he won’t like cheese. My weaning book says I can offer him dairy products like yoghurt and cheese in the 6-9 month window, but I am still nervous about food allergies and want to hold off as long as possible. Also he hasn’t had much other food at all yet. But if he won’t eat anything else, maybe it will just come down to those things. I thought he might like meat, but he did not seem impressed with the turkey.

Anyway. He is still loving his mama-milk! And of course I adore giving it to him. I know I will miss breastfeeding one day. I hope I will never stop between children, but then HOW will I manage when I finish having children?! Either I must never stop having children (!!), or I must feed my youngest till they are 10 years old or something (!!!), or I must be sad and mourn the loss of the wonder of breastfeeding. *sigh* I do love it.

What else? He is teething at the moment – what is new?!! His top front gum is red and swollen today, which is weird because WHERE ARE HIS BOTTOM TEETH?!!! I did read in my Babycentre email that around now I might see his top central incisors come through – what?! He hasn’t even got his bottom ones yet, and they come first. But his top gum seems to agree with Babycentre, because it’s pushing and swelling and hurting him. Surely he won’t get those first? His bottom gum is all blunt and pink and normal. Where are his toothy-pegs?! It is a mystery. I guess we just wait. They will have to come through eventually. At the party on Monday, there was a baby there who also turned one last week, and he still has no teeth. Also I seem to remember Robbi has kids who don’t get teeth till they are one or something, so that encourages me! He will get them eventually! :)

Arthur is starting to pull up on things with his arms, from lying on his tummy. He is not really showing signs of pulling to sitting from lying yet though. I am just enjoying watching him and seeing the things he is trying to figure out as he moves. Two days ago he was lying on his tummy in bed, and I watched him as he pushed his bum in the air until he was standing on his tippy toes with his legs totally straight, and then pushed his arms till they were straight too. His head was still down though, so he was on his hands and toes with his bum up in the air. He did this over and over, and sometimes the angle made him keel over to one side as he pushed his legs straight. He hasn’t done that much more since then, but today he has been on his hands and knees in crawling positions, rocking two or three times and then flopping back onto his tummy. He also tries to bring one knee forward to change his angle of movement, but doesn’t manage much – thank goodness!!! The house is soooo not safe for him to be crawling around in!!

I am slacking on the Flylady front, tsk. Some days I don’t shine my sink :( Also my before-bed routine has gone out of the window. But I am decluttering, slowly but surely. I need to stop slacking though. I need to use the forums to help me stay on track, but I am even slacking on that too. Urgh.

Okay, here are two photos of Arthur a couple of days ago. He was having some play time on the big bed while I tidied around him and stuff. Here he is peeping at me over the bedguard – which is not going to “guard” him too well for much longer, since he got both hands on it and started to haul himself up as best he could! He managed to lift his chest till his head was peeping over it, see?...

Here he is looking at one of his favourite toys. It’s a little dancing man in a box. He has a key in the back which you turn and he dances to a tune. It was Neil’s favourite toy when he was little, and Arthur loves it too! He just watches and watches it, and always smiles so big when I start winding the key up!

Yesterday was my grandfather’s 80th birthday family get-together. I have been looking forward to it for a while, because my parents came over from France especially (they are on the ferry home as I type, boo!) and I just love being together with all my lovely family. I can’t believe Grandoug is 80 (on Tuesday). That is just crazy. He is the youngest 80 year old I ever met in my whole life. He wears jeans and running shoes, and was itching to see the Live8 concert on TV yesterday. He is the most hip grandfather I could hope for, hehe! I remember in my late teens, when I was bored of chart music, he knew the chart stuff better than I did!! He even had some of the latest CDs. He likes his music. Anyway, the family gathering was lovely. Arthur was so good, and everybody adored him as usual! He napped in the car on the way there, and then had another 30 minutes later in the afternoon, in the travel cot. He woke from that nap crying, and I could tell from the cry that he was scared that I wasn’t there and he was in an unfamiliar place. I got to him as fast as I could, but when I was a couple of rooms away, I called out, “Mummy’s coming Arthur!” and I heard him stop crying immediately. When I got to him, he was waiting for me, looking worried, but no longer crying about it. I love that just hearing my voice can soothe him, even when he can’t see me and he is somewhere he is not familiar with.

Everybody got to cuddle him, which of course they were all lining up for! We had a nice lunch outside, although the weather was a bit chilly. We played the now-traditional Grandoug’s-birthday game of croquet on their lawn, which was fun! I even got to play almost a whole game while Sarah (my brother’s fiancée) held Arthur and played with him a little way off on the grass, until he started fussing and calling, “Mama! Mama!” over and over! Of course I stopped then :) He is sounding clearer and clearer on the “mama” thing all the time. He has it down to “mama” or if he’s feeling impatient, “MAMAM!!” now, instead of “ah-ma” or “ah-mum” which he sometimes did before. I love hearing his tiny little voice chiming away, “Mama?” when he has been playing with someone for a while and wants me back again. He now uses it constantly, particularly when he isn’t happy about something – I get complained at a lot, hehe! If Neil is changing him and he doesn’t want to be changed, he fixes me with an urgent look and shouts crossly, “Mamam!!” as if he wants me to stop daddy doing that to him! If he’s stuck, he whimpers, “Mama… mamam!” and if he is tired or wanting to nurse and is not in a patient enough mood to sign for milk, he fusses or cries and says “mama” in a very annoyed way! He often fixes me with that look as he says it, as though he wants me to fix things for him immediately, whatever they might be! If he’s tired and he rolls against something, sometimes he asks me to sort that out, even though I tell him he can perfectly well roll himself back again! And sure enough, he does, even as he is finishing saying, “Mama!” about it, but he does use my name a lot when he finds himself in a situation he doesn’t like!

He’s so lovely.

Did I tell you he loves peekaboo games or hiding games now? His favourite game – I’m sure I’ve already said this – is where I hide around the corner, and peek out at him (he is being held by someone for this game), and he beams and squeals with excitement. Then I duck back and pop out again the same way. After two or three peeks, I suddenly run out and speed towards him making a roaring sound or something equally exciting for him (!!), and he shrieks with laughter and bounces his limbs till they nearly fall off! It’s sooooo sweet! We showed my family this on Saturday, and they thought it was adorable. He IS though. So adorable. I love him so much.

If Neil is in the kitchen doing some cooking or something, Arthur knows about it now. If I am holding him in the living room, he leans and reaches for the kitchen, and I take him up to the closed door. I say, “Do you want to open the door, Arthur?” and he puts the palm of his hand flat on the door, and pushes with his arm! If he doesn’t have the strength in his little arm to push it far, I help him by leaning his body into the door a bit, and it swings open. Then he cranes his neck round the doorway to see his daddy! It’s the cutest thing. As soon as Neil looks up and sees him, Arthur beams and makes excited squeally noises :) He loves his daddy.

Okay I definitely need to wrap this up now, as it’s 12.25am (what a surprise!) and I am officially nuts for staying up so late. Tsk. Plus Flylady’s “new habit for July” is to go to bed before 11pm. I need to do that too. But obviously, not tonight! Maybe tomorrow?

Oh but first I have photos from the family thing yesterday. My family loved to see him. Mummy and Daddy held him as much as they could, and I tried to make sure I offered him to them to hold a lot. He is heavy though, and their arms got tired quick! Everyone was asking how much he weighs now, and I just realised it’s been over a month since I got him weighed! I must take him and get him weighed again this week, maybe Friday? I have no idea what he weighs now. Anyway, here is my Daddy taking Arthur for a walk round the garden. Arthur was very interested to be shown lots of different leaves, and Grandy was explaining about them to him while he touched them:

Here he is again with my Granny, being interested in another plant! He was interested in EVERYTHING yesterday, like he always is these days:

Here he is being read his favourite book by Auntie Sarah (whilst a particularly testosterone-fired game of croquet was taking place on the lawn!). He has three of these touchy-feely books, but his favourite one is, “That’s not my puppy!” – I love these books! He likes to feel the different textures on the pages, and he enjoys being read a story so much now. Anyway, here he is:

Oh, and he has a new car seat at LAST!!!! I had this Concord Ultimax on order since we had that bump in the car and I didn’t feel his current (new) car seat would be safe anymore, but the darn online store never sent it to me (I paid with Paypal) and after two complainy emails, they finally sent me notification that they had gone bankrupt and had no money to pay me back. Grrr. So I don’t know what to do about claiming my money back. But in the meantime, I placed an order for the same car seat where I should have in the FIRST place, from good old Kiddicare.com (see the link above), and the most fabbarooney car seat EVER arrived a couple of days later! It is far better than the Britax one he has been in so far. It’s from newborn to four years, and can go rear facing or forward facing, which is great since Arthur still needs rear facing for a while longer I think. He has well exceeded the weight requirement for forward facing, but I think he could be sitting more securely before I want to face him forwards. He sits great now, but I guess he doesn’t really sit regularly for 30 minutes plus, which is what the car seat companies say it should be. He can sit for an hour, but only if distracted by other babies! Otherwise he throws himself backwards after a while, so I will wait some more. The longer he is rear facing, the safer for him anyway, and this car seat is so funky – it’s so soft and comfy, and looks GREAT, and is quite shallow on the sides so he can see all round the car even from rear facing. I am so impressed. And it was super-easy to install. I would recommend it to anyone and everyone. We will be buying another for the next baby when it arrives. I love how there are 16 different colours and designs! There is a very PINK one, and I have my eye on it for if I have a girl. Obviously she wouldn’t need a pink one, but I just have my eye on it anyway! I like all of them though. I chose the one I bought for Arthur because it is nice colours and the most interesting one for him to be in. I think it suits him well. And it’s HIS seat so I thought it should be a design that he would approve of!

Anyway it is great, and he seems to love it. It is easier to get him in and out of it too, and he looks comfy when he sleeps in the car.

Okay it really IS going to be 1am if I don’t get myself off the computer and into bed!! I have my ENT appt tomorrow morning, but I can’t remember what time, so I’ll have to phone them in the morning. It’s at Big London Hospital so that will be fun fun fun taking Arthur there. But I’ve done it before. I just hope the wait won’t be too long. I seem to remember from when I was pregnant that the waiting room is very hot and stuffy, and crowded. And you do end up waiting like 40 minutes beyond your appt time. I don’t think Arthur will be happy about that! I hope we get seen on time.

Oh but one more thing - I just wanted to write that July 1st (Friday) was Cameron's birthday. He would have been 13 - unbelievable! I took Arthur to the cemetery and we left him a birthday card. He has lots of colourful windmills in his grave, and Arthur loved watching them go round. I miss Cameron so much.

Friday was also one year exactly since the day we had our scan and found out that Arthur was indeed an "Arthur"! I remember seeing his lil boy bits, and I remember sitting on the toilet at the hospital with excitement pushing my heart into my mouth, and thinking, "I have a SON!!" What a wonderful moment. And standing in the car park with Neil, saying, "Shall we call him Arthur?" - we had Matthew and Benjamin as back-ups, although we had pretty much chosen Arthur, unless he didn't look like an Arthur. But we both agreed right there in the car park, waiting for him to move a bit so that the sonographer could see his lil heart chambers, that he was definitely an Arthur, by the look of him on the scan! Ah what a lovely time. It's so exciting! And here he is with us now. We have called him Arthur for over a year now. Before that he was Bean. I can't wait to do it all again!

Anyway, I will update again soon. Oooh but Happy 4th of July to the Americans out there! :)