Oh, chip away at me on this one, Lord, because you know I need a chisel more than a gentle moulding here! Help me talk KINDLY to my children at all times, ALL times, because it's not right to do anything else, and in any case, a harsh word stirs up anger.
A bit disappointed with myself lately. Maybe I'm tired? Not an excuse. But something seems to be making my patience thinner than ever, any time a bookcase gets emptied out... or a child dashes in the kitchen while I go to the toilet, to mix the last of the milk with raisins, tomato ketchup, honey and custard powder... or at least two voices mingle distortingly in the high-pitched whiney nasal tone I hear every few minutes throughout the day (it seems!) to tattle on each other for something miniscule... or someone intentionally blocks the toilet AGAIN with an entire loo roll... I just lose my patience easily. Not my TEMPER so much, just patience. I get irritable, as whiney as my children (ugh!) and yell at them. Yuck.
I'm getting in a bad habit of being impatient at times - too often. I don't use soft words, and guess what? The anger level is rising in my children! I love how WISE the Bible is. The annoying thing about me is that I realise the problem, fully see the solution, and yet PERSIST in the type of behaviour I KNOW causes the problem!!!!! Aaaaargh!! >:-/ (a cross face, if that wasn't clear before now, lol!) I get myself stuck in a rut and then when I WANT to change it, I struggle terribly to do anything about it. It's like the boys provoke me to yell more than ever before, when I am actually trying to stop it! ;)
This morning - and I am NOT proud of this - I had a bad 5 minutes. Or maybe 10. Urgh. Arthur and Matthew were causing trouble and then being rude to me over their consequence. To which I, being the responsible and mature adult that I am, responded by yelling at them. And, angered, they yelled back. Seeing my mistake and the fruit of it, I - nope, don't be fooled, I was a TWIT and yelled BACK some more. Ugggghhh. *sigh* Then I picked my crying baby up off the floor and swept off upstairs to put him down for his nap (which I had been trying to do when the ridiculous arguing started in the first place - what, am I EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!! I'm so annoyed with myself for being so childish!!!).
Whilst breastfeeding Samuel on my bed upstairs, I had time to cool off, and the more I cooled off, the more I cringed at my behaviour, and the more wretched I felt! I just kept thinking, "WHY can't I pull myself together?!" By the time Samuel was asleep, I was praying about it - a step in the right direction.
I am so helpless over all this parenting business without God. I may love being a mummy and I may have always wanted to have children instead of anything else in the world, BUT that doesn't make me a "natural" or a "super mum"! I am SO. VERY. FAR. from that mark. Naturally? I am too lazy and self-centred for parenting. I have the organisational skills of a turnip, though I love to aspire to great things. Turnip, in reality. Turnip parenting 5 children, as loving a vegetable as it might be (!!) NEEDS the power of the Holy Spirit to enable it to do the job!!! ;)
Often I pray such blando prayers that I know God hears, but I guess if they're bland, my heart isn't IN it enough? I don't know. This morning, with my sleeping baby on the bed and my children squabbling and building dens downstairs, I started a blando prayer and I guess the Holy Spirit showed up because before I knew it, there I was on my knees on the bedroom floor, crying, my WHOLE HEART in my words, "I CAN'T DO IT, LORD! I NEED YOU, LORD!" And oh how I meant it! I prayed for a while, and then got up, with ZERO confidence in myself (nervous to even go downstairs, lol!) but, comfortingly, with every confidence in Christ who strengthens me (and He does! Hooray!), and went back to my children. Matthew had emptied the bookshelves over the floor. He did not get lunch until he put them back. I did not yell! :)
I did yell some more this afternoon, but there were SO very many occasions where someone small would scream in my face about something, and my anger would rise and then suddenly a small word pressed into the back of my eyes, "soft..." and I did not yell. I got down to his level, took his hands in mine, and used a softer voice than my normal speaking voice to explain that screaming is not nice, Mummy doesn't like it, and he needs to apologise to me for it. The DIFFERENCE! Immediately, soft calm eyes looked into mine, and with a relaxed body, the little person nodded and said, "Sorry Mummy." Quiet, relaxed, and OH SO RIGHT in my spirit. So easy to move onto cuddles, and it's exactly as I WANT to parent them. I do, sometimes. I just seem to yell more lately, and I want to get back to NEVER yelling. It is not in my own strength that I was able to do that this afternoon (trust me, I have tried it in my own strength and not managed), and I am so grateful to God for the glimpse of the fruit that can be gained from absolutely submitting to Him in my mothering, and not allowing myself to go my own way. I just haven't been turning to God enough recently, and I need to change that.
Tomorrow the challenge begins all over again, because I'm just as weak and wretched for the task tomorrow as I was this morning. But I have hope! I have Jesus! And so long as I submit to Him, I KNOW He will enable me. The task I am carrying out is the very one He has called me to, Himself! So He is sure to enable me, if I am leaning on Him and seeking Him.
I love what I do! I love it so very much. I love Jesus more, though. :)
6 comments:
Alice, part of me is so grateful that you are going through this (ahead of me) because I do the same thing, not only that, I lash out sometimes and that I find in-excusable :( But reading how it has affected you and yours, is putting some perspective in for me, and every day it seems to be a constant battle with myself, and if I get through a day without lashing out, I aspire to get through the next day.
But I am sorry that you are struggling with yourself, sometimes our own human nature gets the better of us, that and the way we ourselves were brought up, which can provide huge obstacles in how we parent compared to how we WANT to parent.
Well done for being so brave in posting this. xx
I doubt most mums and dads won't yell if their child yelled back at them or screamed in your face. Its good you want to stop doing it, but at the same don't beat yourself up over it x
I NEEDED to hear (read) this today.
Wow, your blogs are a hive of activity at the moment! ;)
I'm not particularly religious but you are SO right on this one. Shouting only leads to raised tempers and when you think about it, a lot of attention for behaving badly.
Well done for tackling it x
Ya know, you wrote this whole post about how bad you are at speaking gently and why can't you doooo it, and then talk about your success at doing it! Give yourself a pat on the back for it, I say, and work at continuing that pattern.
I think you can envision this scene mirroring itself across the ocean at my house. :) I have the "A word fitly spoken..." verse on a big plaque in my living room yet it's a struggle, minute by minute. Aside from the biggest help there is, heh, I also find having Christian parenting books on hand to read in a quick minute to myself help center me again as well. Grace-Based Parenting is a fave. :)
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