Some weird emotions...

I can't fathom what is the matter with me tonight, and I'm not sure what else to do but blog about it. Neil has had a migraine today. He really doesn't get them that often, and there's some question as to whether they're actually real migraines and not just bad bad headaches, because he has to go to bed and throws up sometimes when he gets them (nobody in his family suffer with them), but then he gets nauseated when he stubs his toe - the man is not built to withstand any level of pain! ;)

So, it's Sunday and we haven't been to church. We actually haven't been all year so far. I'm feeling close to God, it isn't that, but that's for another post anyway. At first I was OH SO UGLY in my heart, resenting the fact that Neil was out of action on the weekend, which I cherish as time when I have an extra pair of hands to help with the boys, and it's not "all on me" to meet all the needs. I don't FEEL resentful about the actual work with the children, but I soooooo look forward to weekends for the ease in the intensity of things with Neil home! Anyway, yuck. I felt annoyed that he was feeling ill, not sympathetic! How horrible of me. So, he felt worse and worse and worse, and threw up a couple of times. He has been in bed all day long and not able to sleep, and still his headache isn't easing off, so he's still nauseous because of the pain. Poor poor Neil! I feel way more sympathetic now, obviously. I'm so embarrassed by the attitude of my heart, especially with how totally sweet Neil was to me just YESTERDAY on my birthday, tsk!

So it has been a long day with the little ones, but really not bad at all. We did not do much, and I've started Tomato Staking and really training Arthur and Matthew (see Raising Godly Tomatoes link in the Websites I Like part of my sidebar) yesterday, so I have spent MUCH time today persevering with that. Never mind that, it's a whooooole 'nother subject for another time.

I made dinner and ate it with the boys, and then bathed the three of them and got them ready for bed. I put Nathan to bed and when he was asleep (it took a while!) I tried to talk to Neil briefly about what he wanted to do while Arthur and Matthew went to bed. He was in bed in their room (where he still normally sleeps - another long story for another time) so we had to figure something out. Arthur is anxious about people throwing up and Neil was feeling sick with a bowl by the bed! Never mind that *I* am beyond absolutely petrified about it. Unless you've read me for ages, that's yet ANOTHER long story for another time! ;) It has felt like a scary day for me with nausea and vomiting near me. I have surprised myself and not actually done any PANICKING though, with the boys to keep me busy. I just feel so anxious and can't seem to submit it to God - I mean, I pray but the anxiety stays, and I don't know how to let it go to him.

So Neil staggered downstairs, bless him, to lie on the sofa while I put the boys to bed. They went to sleep quickly because it was late for them already and they were tired.

I really don't know how to describe how I'm feeling, since it's taken me by surprise and I am not sure what to make of it, but as soon as Arthur was asleep (Matthew went to sleep first), I felt like clinging to him! I snuggle them in bed till they are sleeping, that's just how we put the little ones to bed. So I didn't want to leave them! I suddenly felt a sort of realisation that they had been my security in some way, through the day, and particularly the early evening for some reason. Which doesn't seem right at all! But that's the best I can describe it. When they're about, my hands are always busy, and the house is always noisy to some degree. There is always movement and activity. With all that stripped away, I felt vulnerable and anxious, with nothing to busy my hands or mind. When I came downstairs, I felt scared to even go near Neil, I know it's daft. I just struggle with this fear of vomiting, and always have done. Anyway. I told him, "Well, they're asleep now." and that was IT - just hearing those words aloud. I started to cry and cry and STILL have not stopped, and that was an hour ago!!!! He didn't answer me - he either doesn't answer or he just mumbles too quiet for me to hear if I try to talk to him, and I know his head is hurting and he feels grim, so I understand. I did not disturb him crying, hopefully he doesn't even know about it. I suggested he go back to bed, and he shuffled up fast with his bowl :S I'm nervous that he's going to throw up in the bedroom with the boys and they'll wake and be scared. He could go in the other bedroom but Nathan is in there.

Anyway, GOSH I do not understand where alllll this crying is coming from! I'm sincerely hoping it's hormones. The boys were SO incredibly well-behaved this evening while I put Nathan to bed, and it took a good while too. They kept so quiet and played so nicely with their cars and trains. They used a jigsaw board to make a ferry and put their cars on it. I could hear Arthur saying to Matthew, "Matthew, I want the ferry to start loading now, so could you pass me that lorry please?" and Matthew replying, "Yes, here 'tis Arsur!" That's just how they were the whole time, and speaking in hushed voices for Daddy, because I had asked them to. They usually do not obey me like that when I ask them (hence the need for a little training!). I told them how proud I was of them and how much I love them, oh, several times between settling Nathan and them falling asleep! I just love them so much.

When I came downstairs their toys were still out on the floor - trains all lined up in a queue, "ferry" waiting by the car box, just little things scattered about like the comb on the floor from when I combed each little head of hair one by one when they were dressed in pyjamas after their baths. Hastily discarded little clothes, stepped out of in great excitement because they love bathtime. Battered favourite books, damp bath towels, a wooden toy that I just realised has BLUE CRAYON scribbled all over one side of it (tsk!) - all these things made me sob like my heart was breaking to look at them, or touch them. Because, crazily, I felt so lonely for my children. I missed them so much. I felt like I needed them about me, and my heart ached for them, even though I'd just tucked them into bed a few minutes ago and they were only upstairs sleeping where they always are at that time of evening! I felt so silly for the way I was feeling, but I couldn't stop crying about it for anything. I felt so vulnerable and weird with Neil unwell and unable to even talk to me. I felt so anxious and lonely, a horrible gaping kind of feeling that made me want my mummy! Except this time, it was more like I wanted my children. I prayed to God because I can see that CLEARLY I need to lean on God like I tend to seek out people for feelings of security. But I don't know how to transfer alllll that rawness to God when it's upon me and overwhelming me. Urgh.

I started to tidy away the toys, but got too tearful about it and just couldn't bring myself to put them away. I didn't want to wipe the room clean of their before-bedtime play - it was comforting to me to see it there. The nearest thing I've felt to this is GRIEF, so what is that about?!?! I have nothing to grieve right now! How unbelievably incredibly thankful I am that my children are alive and healthy, sleeping safely in their rooms upstairs, close to me. I can't fathom what real loneliness for a child that is gone forever must feel. I'm starting to think that level of pain can't possibly be survived, and I pray (frequently!) that God will protect us from that experience in life.

I feel less lonely now that I've been writing here for a bit, which is a relief! I don't like feeling that kind of raw loneliness, and really there isn't any reason for it, so that makes me feel a bit silly on top of it all! I occasionally feel the sweet presence of my tiny baby boy inside me, kicking or bumping me gently, as I write this. Right now I don't even have the words to express my gratitude to God for my little ones. It just boggles my brain that I have them, that they're mine, that God has seen fit to bless me this way, this much. That they're as precious as they are, and that I love them this fiercely.

I worry a bit about where my identity is wandering to without me having particularly taken note of it along the way... I mean, I was thinking about the feeling that I've had this evening, that they have felt like my security. They shouldn't be. God should. And I think things like, "They complete me!" or "I need them. I would be lost without them." But, those statements should really only apply to God, and God alone. I hope I am not putting my children on a pedestal and idolising them in any way, above God. God should always be first in my heart.

Anyway. Those are some thoughts. It has helped to write them. It's 10.15pm now so I think I should finish up the Tesco order that's due in the morning (totally wonderful invention - groceries that are delivered to a pregnant-mother-of-little-ones' door!), and go to bed. I'm nervous, lying there in the silence and darkness, when somebody is ill in the house. I feel insecure and vulnerable, and can't sleep much at all. But I am going to try to just pray a lot and maybe take some Bible verses to bed with me in my head, and meditate on those. And joyfully snuggle my baby boy whenever he wakes (which is still quite a lot!). And hopefully Neil will sleep and feel better in the morning, and NOT throw up any more. Hopefully the boys will not stir and wake, and disturb him. They usually do wake or stir a few times between them - sometimes from bad dreams. Arthur is a restless sleeper, and always has been. So I hope they will let him sleep! I also hope he'll consider calling in sick tomorrow from work. He's NEVER okay the day after a migraine, and the slightest thing sets him off again. He has a couple of hours of driving in his commute now, so that would not work if he got his headache back! He's stressed about work right now, so it could even be the cause of the headache - most of his "migraines" are bad tension headaches, clearly linked to stressful things, or even excited tension over going to a movie premier or something! He has way too much work to do right now, more than he can manage, and he's been working from home in the evenings and at weekends many times lately. I know he will need to be at work tomorrow but I don't see how he will be physically up to it, so I hope he won't ignore what his body is yelling at him and just try to go to work because he's anxious about it. I'm just going to pray that he's fully well, somehow, in the morning, and able to do the day at work. That would be the best outcome! :)

I am really looking forward to the day with my littlies tomorrow! Oh God, please bless me with the patience, grace, gentleness and self-control that I'm going to need! I've discovered that if he doesn't, then I can't do it. Clear as that. I am not up for the task with these sweet little boys, except for the grace of God each day, and even then there are MANY days where I forget to ask God and choose to receive from him (or just plain daftness on my part, or stubbornness - not turning to God for these necessary things each day), and seriously run the risk of messing my kids up in my own strength! No, I NEED GOD to parent my children each day. The more children I have, the more keenly I am made aware of this fact! ;)

Well, I just heard someone stirring upstairs, so I crept up and whispered to Neil to see if he had called me. He had woken from a short sleep (first today, hoorah!) and his voice sounded way stronger when he replied. He still has a headache but it seems to be different now, not so intense. And his stomach is cramping, which I'm hoping is hunger since he hasn't eaten all day and has thrown up. He feels nauseous when he gets hunger cramps though, so he couldn't tell me at that moment whether he was doing any better. But I'm encouraged! My sweet little loves are sleeping peacefully. I love to listen to their breathing and kiss their soft cheeks as they sleep. Nathan is stirring a little, here and there. He usually has one waking per evening (STILL!) at some point, sometimes more, so maybe he'll wake soon? I no longer nurse him in the evenings, and have also managed to cut out nursing him in the first half of the night (my "night" asleep, that is). Somewhere around 3 or 4am he gets less easy about being patted on the bottom to settle him, and I bring him into my bed and nurse him like I used to. He still sometimes has these major angry screaming fits in the middle of the night and won't be settled without a long chew at the breast - at least that's how it feels lately to these poor pregnant, barely-lactating nipples! Owch. So, I give him a SHORT breastfeed and then after that he's reeeeally cross. That's not so much fun for the 30-60 minutes he keeps it up for, between 4.30 and 5.30am, I can tell you! He usually has 5 days in a row or something, and then a short while without it before it happens again. I really need to fully night-wean. I have hardly any milk left now, and I neeeeed better sleep!

Anyway, I digress. It's getting towards 11pm and I need to just add a few more items to the Tesco order before going to bed. It's always good to have a place to write feelings down when I have nowhere else to "dump" them! I feel better :) I'll definitely be back with photos soon! Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! I had such a lovely day! :)