It's nearly 2am. Isn't that crazy/irresponsible/daft? I'm so tired out, and last night I couldn't sleep till after 3am, so I'm NUTTY for being up right now. But Neil and I had a very long and drawn-out "discussion" tonight, and it's kept us both up very late. It wasn't planned. We really don't communicate very well. It was one of those explosion things that starts with a slow leak, blows up big time, and then (thankfully) instead of just running away from the stuff littered everywhere, we stay to pick things up and see what each thing is in a better light than we've ever really seen it before. But that kind of clean-up takes a while, and it's exhausting.
I'm not feeling upset/despairing or anything, like sometimes I might after a bit upsetting discussion. We don't have "fights" really, but we do have rather heated discussions once in a while, when the stuff we don't communicate about blows up (which, obviously, it will). Neil isn't a communicator, and I have long since given up trying (read: nagging - not a good thing!) to get him to talk to me, so I know this is the way it goes, but I don't like it.
There is so much wrong, SOOOO much wrong, under our smiley happy family surface. More than I knew about a couple of hours ago. Neil waits till he's having all sorts of scary thoughts before he communicates that there's even any sort of problem, which I find super upsetting to discover, having had no (or very little) idea that anything was up. It drives me crazy that he won't talk with me about things, but he's always said that's just how he is. I KNOW it's so unhealthy! Especially in a marriage relationship. But anyway.
Nathan is waking, so I'll be back in a few.
We probably seem like a sweet little happy family with three sweet little boys and a baby on the way, about to start homeschooling, and managing great with things in general. I trust God, Neil is a lovely man, I'm not so bad myself (!), and he is always being giving towards me.
But - reality check (which I'm not too comfortable even writing about here, but here I am doing so anyway, hey ho): I'm so not a good wife. SO very not. I nag and I put down, and I'm just rubbish at putting my husband first. This past year I have really started to be aware of the MAJOR problem in that, and desiring to change, and praying about it. But I am pretty rubbish at actually doing anything about it as well, it seems.
I am not doing great with my little ones. Jemma is probably my only blog reader who has actually seen me in person in the last year or so, with my little ones, and she thinks I'm an oasis of calm around them, and very patient! This shows me how I must be pretty good at the surface stuff, and that is not a good thing either. I see what I WANT with bringing up my children. I desire to stay at home ALWAYS, never go to work but to stay and raise my little ones. I want to homeschool, and to train them up in the way they should go, to teach them to obey me, to teach them about Jesus and to love him and follow him. I want to enjoy them and provide them with happy, stimulated childhoods, and fond memories. And equip them well for adulthood in this world. At the same time I want to be more organised, and keep house better than I do - keep it clean and so on. And I'd LOVE to let loose on cooking and baking more! I really enjoy that, and have a real heart for becoming great at making nutritious healthy meals for my family BY MYSELF, without convenience foods.
Now, these are just things I really aspire to do, and many of them are basic needs that I must meet also. I have no desire to stop having children at any point, lol! I love that part too, and don't just want to finish having babies already and get on with raising them.
BUT - big flaw in the plan: I'm so bad at it :( Trust me, I am not having a pity party or looking for attention. I yell at my kids for a good portion of each DAY. I am too rough with them physically, some of the time. I feel utterly and completely OUT OF CONTROL with Arthur, and to a large degree, Matthew as well. Their behaviour is absolutely dreadful lately, it's getting worse and worse. I honestly despair most days of what on earth to do about it. I never say here. I don't want to hear any more comments about sending them to school/nursery, or ways I am not disciplining them right, or should be disciplining them instead. I feel like we've tried EVERYTHING with Arthur.
I simply want him to obey. If he obeyed me, I can't see any problems for us as a family. I know that sounds odd but I haven't got time or emotional strength to explain what I mean any more right now. Everything we're struggling with on a day-to-day basis, and everything we have anxiety about in the future, is a struggle or an anxiety entirely because of Arthur's behaviour and complete lack of obedience. So I figure, if I want him to obey, I should just REQUIRE him to obey and follow through to ensure that happens. NOT so easy, apparently. He is so very rude now, talking back and using horrible tones of voice and nasty faces, in response to even the suggestion of discipline. He doesn't do as he's asked, ever. Well, that's not true, occasionally he does, and it surprises me when he does so I know it's occasional!
His attitude is just shocking to me lately, and I know there's really not likely to be any other explanation other than poor parenting, in one way or another (or many ways!), and that's just upsetting and demoralising and difficult and confusing and depressing.
Matthew is quickly going "off the rails" because he's following Arthur. When the two of them play me up between them, I can't talk over their mocking and rudeness and laughter, because they maintain a constant noise of it so they tune me out while I'm sitting RIGHT in front of their faces on their level, saying their names over and over to get them to LISTEN TO ME, dangit! They won't listen to me. I don't know how to make them! I'm so ashamed to write that sentence, in fact, I'm surprised to find that I'm crying as a result of reading it back now. I feel so ASHAMED. What kind of mother can't make her 2 and 4-year-olds simply stop and listen to her no matter what she does or says?
And when they are mocking me like that and I've said their names louder and louder and louder like 8 times in a row, throwing in, "LISTEN to me!" here and there, and they still laugh and yell, "Poo-willy, blahhhhh!" and so on, I honestly start to reach a point where I am afraid I will hurt them with intent, because I feel so angry and helpless and gosh darnit they're supposed to do as their Mummy says! Why can't I get them to?! It happens DOZENS of times each and every day, and it's driving me crazy. If I send them to the corner or to the porch, or the sofa, or some sort of time-out, they run away from me and wedge themselves into corners that I can't get them out of (especially in my condition now), or they flop to the floor laughing and pull against me when I try to lead them by the hand. I can't manhandle them now, I'm too pregnant and they're getting too big.
Uhhhhoooww, I'm absolutely SOBBING, who knew?! I think I am just crying because I'm so sad and ashamed to admit this about MYSELF, and also I'm so sad to admit to anyone that my children aren't the sweeties they might have been thought of as. I love them so I don't WANT anyone to read this and think, "Urgh, what horrible kids!" It just makes me cry to think that. I've thought about writing about this issue for a good while and that's been a reason why I haven't. I don't want people to think my children are little horrors. They are behaving so horribly though, and I'm starting to feel dislike for them sometimes, though I love them so very much. We have good windows each day, and happy things go on. I am just totally not in control of the day or the children, and I don't know why or what to do about it.
I need to stop yelling at the kids, because that is a daft thing to do, and they will only be yelling because *I* yell in the first place. They won't go to time-outs and if they DO, they are there for a very very long time because they are so rude and horrible while they're there, and won't stay put. They bang on the doors or walls with whatever they can grab, or just their hands. It's so so easy to just totally lose my temper with them, and Neil finds this too. I lose my temper a lot now. I'm reading through the anger management book I bought, but so far I haven't found anything that will help me deal with strongly triggered anger THAT NEEDS DEALING WITH as it's being triggered, right there in the moment, over and over again. So far it's all about walking away and cooling off, and restraining your initial response. I can't figure out how I'm supposed to do that without walking away from my responsibility to be consistent and see that they are disciplined properly at the time they need it. It's when they're disciplined that they behave the worst, and I can't just walk away from that responsibility, so I can't get away to cool off. Even if I DID, I would have to come back to it again, and get right back into the anger-triggering situation that's continuing on.
I'm so very fed up with it all. I am praying about it such a lot, but I don't know what to do, and I feel the boys slipping out of my grip with each day that passes. It affects the whole day and delays everything that we do, causes noise and stress for a good part of the day in total, and I hate that Nathan is there watching it all and hearing so much shouting. He's a treasure - showing signs of tantrums and mischievous behaviour, but a complete treasure nonetheless! ;) I hate that he's exposed to this daily, hourly even. I don't really go out with the boys lately because it's easier and they're actually happy (I know you won't believe me having read this far!) enough at home. They have a few hours in the garden every day, we read, we do puzzles, we're cutting down on TV (though it's back up somewhat from my last post about it), Arthur has a reading and writing lesson every morning now (which I keep meaning to write about!), and Nathan's naps are regular and straight-forward for the most part. I get meals at regular times, and they help with the housework and enjoy it. We don't get as many crafts done as we would all like, but other than that they don't seem to want to go and do other things, or act bored nearly as much as they used to. I could certainly be doing a lot more with them if I was doing a better job. But I'm not doing a great job right now.
Anyway. Their behaviour makes me anxious about taking them anywhere, because they wil. not. obey me. On anything. Safety issues even. Why can't I MAKE them?!?! It's my responsibility!!! They're only 2 and 4!!! I should be able to just MAKE them obey me, surely?! I feel such a failure, and yet I can't think of how to fix it, which makes me feel even more of a failure - if I'm doing so badly at the job, at least I should know what I'm doing wrong and what to do about it, even if I can't seem to do it! Urgh. But I can't. I seem to spend hours trawling through forums on the internet, searching for HELP, ideas, new methods, instructions on the old methods, anything!
So. I am not doing well. I know I'm feeling upset so this is more exaggerated than it REALLY is, but I feel that I suck at being a mother - to anyone older than a toddler at least. I'm good at being a loving mummy to babies and toddlers! :) But that's not much use if I flop so miserably at parenting children after they grow out of toddlerhood! It does not bode well! I have four children heading for the stage that I'm flopping miserably at, at a rate of knots!!! Help!
I am also just not doing well as a wife. And I know that over all of this (and most importantly) I am God's child. My relationship with him is of the utmost importance. At least I am not shutting him out or walking far from him at this stage in my life, but MAN I could be doing better there too. And that doesn't leave much else in life that I feel I'm doing well at.
I feel a bit lost and utterly silly, and I don't know what to do about any of it, other than pray, and I HAVE been praying. I will pray more, but I don't know what will change or how. I know that shows lack of faith in God, but I'm just being honest.
PLEASE don't suggest any away-from-me activities for my boys. I really am 100% not interested in them being away from me for school, activities, or anything right now, and it doesn't matter the circumstances at home. I know the vast majority of my readers are not for homeschooling, and lots of them also think I SHOULD be doing something for the boys that isn't at home or with me or something. But I am 100% firm in my confidence that I am not supposed to be doing that. I feel God on that one very strongly, for me personally and for the boys personally, at this time. They are to stay close to me. I even feel that to do otherwise at this particular time would be a bad move, even though that will probably confuse or even annoy lots of my readers after the stuff I've just revealed here tonight. But I can't explain it any better just now. I'm just not open to any sort of activity that's not at home or with me if it's out of the house. And out of the house is getting difficult because of their behaviour, my increasing pregnantness, and don't get me started on how many people take virally infectious children to gatherings of children in full knowledge of passing said viruses onto the other children and their families!!! NOT something to go into this time, but it's a major major peeve for me and always has been. Thank goodness it's nearly the end of the worst germy season (and by the way, I do not keep my kids from socialising in general, I just draw the line at playgroups and even church creche this winter, because mothers are literally taking sick and infectious children there every ding dong week! I can't stand it! I would NEVER do that! Tsk!).
I feel pretty vulnerable after all that I've said here tonight, and not overly comfortable with anyone and everyone reading it really. But it's good to write it all out, and I don't really want to hide it away I suppose. There's also an off-chance that someone might be able to help me in some way because of putting it out there! You never know! ;) It feels pretty hopeless to me right now, but in reality I know there must be a way, and it must surely get better. I need to change, myself, though. Obviously. I'm a little nervous about comments I might get (you understand?), so I'm thinking if I get any unkind ones then I might moderate or disable or something new-fangled and Bloggerish (to me, anyway! I'm new to Blogger!), or simply delete so as to not feel upset any more than I do.
Well, I guess I will go to bed! It's so late. Urggghhh, 3am! I will so regret this in the morning. I prayed last night that God would help me somehow do okay for the children today on the little sleep I got, and he really did answer my prayers! Today I set myself a more minimal "list" than the usual Motivated Moms schedule of housework. I just wanted to get the dishwasher done, some laundry, clean SOMETHING (never mind what), make the beds, read to the boys, and do Arthur's school. And make sure they got out in the garden. I did all those things, and I know that I've missed all the vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom this week, but I'm just trying to ignore that and be happy with having checked off my modified list today. I'm going to have to get happy with that kind of thing anyway near the end of my pregnancy, so this is good practise!
Oh, I forgot to say - I bought "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons" by Siegfried Engelman, to do with Arthur. I've had my eye on it since before he was 2 years old! I found reference to it at a homeschooling blog years ago, and kept it in mind. I forgot about it till recently, and then did some research on it, read a LOT of reviews, and bought it! We started the day after it arrived in the post, after I did all the preparation (quite a bit!). It only takes 15 minutes per day, and we always go upstairs to the boys' room and do Arthur's lesson after I put Nathan down for his morning nap. We do a lesson every day, even at weekends. It only arrived last week, so today was Lesson 6. It starts as basic as it can possibly get, just learning sounds (not the alphabet). Today Arthur read "me"! In 2 days he starts reading 3-letter words. He is also learning to write whatever sounds we learn (4 letters so far, "m", "a", "e" and "s"), which is going okay. He has never held a pencil properly before really, for the purpose of writing, and he's got to learn that as well as forming the letters, but he's doing well. I feel relieved just to be DOING something, homeschooling-wise. Even though that's silly, because I know there's no actual need for him to have any sort of formal homeschooling yet - he's only 4! I wasn't going to do anything formal till 5 or 6. But I think he's ready to read, and I'm keen to teach him. It gives us some time together and another activity to persue. And honestly, I'm relieved to be able to say I'm DOING something with him, to all the family and friends who keep asking. *sigh* I don't want to push him, of course. But I hope he enjoys it and finds learning to read rewarding!
Okay, bedtime for SURE. It's raining outside, I've just realised. I think it's meant to rain for days now, after a week of no rain. I like the rain so that's okay by me, and my pansies will be happy too :) The boys will still go in the garden for as long as they'll put up with such an activity, lol! They just have raincoats and waterproof dungarees and wellies for this kind of weather. Even Nathey has his own little set!! He's so adorable in it, tottering along behind his big brothers with his wispy baby hair sticking out of the hood! I love him soooooo.
*sigh*
23 comments:
OK, now here's the bit where I bite my lips and wonder if I should just not comment at all - but what the hey! Here's my 2 cents worth... They're boys. Boys behave like that. It's why such a freakingly huge number of them all over the world are put on Ritalin by parents and teachers to get them to "behave", and for that, read "be more like little girls". I would back right off them. Don't feel you have to be in their faces trying to "improve" them all the time. Just leave them be. They can come to you if they need to tell you something, or need a hug if they've fallen down or something, but other than that, unless there's blood, just let them get on with it.
As for the poo-willy thing, that sounds, to an outsider, rather amusing :-) It's way better than f%^k or s*&^t or worse... Try yelling BUM at them when they start, and then collapse in giggles over the "funny words". They probably won't bother anymore if it just makes you laugh!
And don't beat yourself up!!! I spend a great portion of the day, especially suicide hour between about 1600 and 1800, wanting to beat either the boys, the dog or myself! Not getting enough sleep doesn't help; I'm like a bear with a sore head when I'm tired. Sterkte - thinking of you! xxxxx
I think that's it good that you got your feelings out, even if no one can offer you a solution. Sometimes just venting about it helps. I'm sorry that I don't have the right words to say where this situation is concerned. I'm sending you good thoughts and hugs, for what it's worth. I hope things become a little more bearable soon.
Oh Alice I'm so sad to hear you're having such a tough time with those little monkeys of yours! I hope it felt better to get it out even though it was hard for you to write.
Here's a suggestion for something you could do with Arthur and Matthew (sorry if you've already heard of something similar and tried it and it didn't work). For a craft session one time, help them make reward tubes/cars/something, something they can put things in, like marbles, or those little balls you get in ball pools, etc, and then tell them that every time they do what Mummy asks them to do they get to put one marble/ball in it, and when it's full, they get a special treat (day out if you're feeling brave, or a toy, or something else!) If they're displayed prominently and the boys are proud of them it might help!
Sorry again if you've already tried something like this!
Ali, I think you do a lot in isolation. I don't think the boys necessarily need time away from you, but that you could really do with some mentoring/venting time with other mothers...possibly older and wiser ones at that. Is there any provision like that at Church? Someone with lovely grown up or older kids like you aspire to having who would come round each week for a chat and to give some fresh light, and pray? We live in one of the few cultures where mothers are expected to raise their children alone, and it's not what we were designed for, I'm certain. Otherwise, I'm glad you got your feelings out and I hope that you can move forward and feel a bit better xx
PS I found this interesting...I know it's by an anti-spanker, but thought you might like it too
http://www.awareparenting.com/twenty.htm
Hi Alice, I know nothing about parenting, but i just wanted to say no one will think your boys are horrible children just because your honest about their behaviour.
I did think though, do you know Family Line? Its Surrey based but does take calls from other areas. I remember reading about it years ago, but last year Post Pals won an award and one of the people presenting it, turned out to be the lady that set it up. They can give advice, or point people in the direction of support but mostly they are there to listen, its a freephone number. The link to the site is http://www.familyline.org.uk/
It says
FamilyLine Surrey is a confidential freephone telephone helpline for anyone experiencing difficulty, (0808 800 5678).
We take calls from any family member living or working in Surrey � whether parent, grandparent, teenager or child.
We provide a listening ear for callers with concerns about the family, such as caring for and bringing up children and teenagers, difficulties between spouses and partners, divorce, step-parenting, isolation and being elderly. Some of our calls are of a more critical nature and involve abuse or extreme desperation.
We have access to a large database of organisations that we are able to refer callers on to, if more specialist help is required.
Take care,
Vikki
Alice,
I very rarely have posted a comment to you, but have been reading your blog since before you were pregnant with Arthur and have followed reading since.
It's hard for us as outsiders to even suggest anything, when you have made it quite clear that you don't want advice, but then ask for help.
I know how hard this situation is. I have two children almost exactly the same ages as Arthur and Matthew. My two are definitely a handful, they don't listen, they don't respond. They don't make faces or mock me, but they certainly get me to boiling point many times a day. So just know you aren't alone in that.
One thing I will say though. While you say that the children are happy being indoors, maybe that's just what they are used to. By you refusing to take them out because they don't listen, it isn't teaching them TO listen, KWIM? And while they are constantly with you and no one else, they will continue to push your buttons. They know how to, and they will. I have found on the occasions I have left my children with someone else, they DO listen, because it is someone other than mum. I hope that makes some sense and hasn't angered you any. I'm just trying to help.
And Jeannie.. I have a boy on Ritalin for ADHD. Does that make me a bad parent and wanting my boy to behave like a girl? No. He comprehends and understands things 100% better when medicated. It was our LAST option.
:( I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I don't think anyone's going to think less of you (or the kids!) for being honest.
You post a bit on some parenting forums/websites, right? I think you mentioned the MOMYS one? Have you considered copying and pasting this whole thing into one of those advice forums, later on when you are less tired?
Quick one just to reassure Cathi I don't think she's a bad parent! When Ritalin really is the last option for parents, and all other options have been explored, it can be the right thing and a saver for kids and moms. Where I am though, and where my family is in the States, it seems to be used as a cure-all for generally boyish behaviour, and gets suggested before any other options are discussed. I reckon that's just too easy...
Jeannie, thanks! I'm so glad you didn't take what I said the wrong way (I worried you would!).. I agree though.. too easy just to give it as an easy option.. cheers!!
Urgh I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Alice and want first and foremost to send huge hugs.
Next I want to say that when I saw you, in your own space I felt the boys were fine. Even Matthew running off just seemed like normal monkeyness to me, but I know things can appear very different to how they are.
All I can think to say is that as little as you want to hear it, I really feel that getting out more (with you of course) would be a real help. My two are at their worst when we've been cooped up at home for a few days. It also helps them to be seperated every now and again, so on a Saturday Stu will take one child and I'll take the other and we do something apart. It's made so difficult because you have this fear of the boys getting a virus. I don't know what to suggest. My two get out and about a lot (and of course Jaya is at school) amongst all sorts of germs and I wouldn't say they were sick any more often than yours are. I know we just had flu, but that's the first time we've all been ill for a long time. Other than that we stay pretty healthy despite being exposed to viruses.
Other than that all I can suggest is fish oils, not shouting at them (you're on the money with that one, if we ever shout at our two it just makes them shout back) and consistant discipline. We don't smack as you know, instead they get time out. You keep talking about getting them to "obey", maybe that is where your problem is? I always see it as more of a mutual thing, that the children are expected to behave in a certain way because it's the right thing to do and keeps the whole house running happily... not just because they need to obey me.
I don't know though maybe that's not what you mean. I wish I knew more that could help honey. Just hang on in there xxxxx
Oh I could never think anything bad of those boys, Alice, and on the one hand I can see the point of another commenter that "this is just boy behavior" but on the other, I, like you, feel children should obey, and further I agree with Jemma who says they should do so because it keeps things running smoothly. (And it's maturing and helps grow adults who can control themselves, etc. etc.)
I have no idea what advice to give you. I've watched you struggle with the issue of discipline since Arthur was small and I've read about you trying many different approaches and listened as you've thought out many different philosophies. Your thoughts are almost always ones that I agree with, too. But I wonder, as you've learned and researched and changed approaches, if maybe there's a certain amount of confusion built into that for the boys? Do they know from week to week what the consequences are for their naughty behavior? Do they know what types of behavior are expected and (in some cases) why? Is this purely just a lack of and need for consistency over a much longer period of time? Is there plenty of structure and built-in expectation in each day so that they know what's coming next?
I'm inclined to say you're hurting yourself more than anyone else by yelling because I think it's causing you guilt (other behaviors such as the roughness you refer to may be causing you guilt as well). The boys are used to your yelling and expect it, probably, and I doubt it harms them in any way, but it's definitely not what YOU want. So maybe you've just got to STOP that for you? And replace it with a behavior that feels more RIGHT, to you. It may not change a wit about the boys, but it will perhaps change your perspective on yourself as a mother.
Hasn't Supernanny written a book? I've always felt she had some great strategies for handling unruly broods of adorably mischievous and naughty children. Maybe she'd have some ideas.
Love you, Alice! You are doing fine. None of us does everything right, and our kids will somehow suffer in life because of it, but I know you have a wonderful heart and want the best for your kids. Hang in there. Talk to Neil about it.
Oh, and along with obedience, are you also building in an expectation of the boys RESPECTING you and Neil and each other? I forget that one with Bean, but I'm starting to have to talk about it more with her as she can have quite a smart little mouth at times. Which, to me, is unacceptable.
Hello, Alice! With 3 young ones and another on the way, I know life gets overwhelming. As an auntie to 6 nieces & nephews, I've learned one thing from watching my sister & sister-in-law discipline their ones: if your children choose to be disobedient, there are consequences. Mummy is in charge, and Mummy means business. Never be afraid to harm your child's psyche with a good smack from the board of education! Years from now they will thank you for it.
Julie
I don't have time to comment properly, but I'll start. #1. You already know the problem - it's you~ :-) I mean that in a good way because your next step is to get off the computer and take it to your Soverign Lord. He knows all this already and is waiting for you to spill yourself before Him. Once you do what you need to do with him : Praise him, Repent, Abide and Yeild to Him, the rest is one second at a time. Literally. Yes, your job is AT HOME, with them right now. Make them obey. It can be done easily as long as you don't allow lots of built up disobedience before you take action. Just start over. Gather your sweet sons (all of them) and tell them you have gone to the Lord in prayer and asked Him to help you be a better mummy to them. Ask them to forgive anything you've done to them out of anger. Clear the slate with them. Then tell them that their job is to obey you. Quickly and with a happy heart. Use those tomato staking techniques. Correct EACH AND EVERY offense. Stop EVERYTHING if they don't obey quickly and correct them. I love you. Julie
*i just came back to leave the following humongo comment that i wrote out and the last comment from julie i love. totally agree...clean the slate. apologize. talk to them and tell them that God has changed your heart and is going to help you from now on...all those things that julie said...awesome. i don't know that the following will help you...i only know that it definitely worked for me. hope it helps though...praying for you. and now, the comment...
man, Alice...i just want to answer all of these comments that people left for you. i feel like *maybe* we have some of the same thoughts overall. for instance, OBVIOUSLY you don't want your children to obey you just so you can lord it over them...the goal is for your children to obey so that you WILL have a nice, peaceful, home with nice, peaceful, people living within that home.
first of all, let me say that i think it is stinkin' dang awesome that you were so completely and utterly honest on here. i don't know any other mom who hasn't battled with some of these very issues that you are talking about...and some of them all at one time, just like you. it's such a tough, tough job, isn't it? but, the best job in the world i think...you'd probably agree. ;) it's so challenging, rewarding (as all people say), but also so fun to figure out, you know?
first thing: PRAYER! the Holy Spirit really is the one that knows best your situation each and every time something happens in your household. if you get all pissed (i used to have a really bad problem with my temper...it 'runs in my family' and i did NOT want to pass that down...i've mellowed with God's help), yes...stop. pray. pray with your children even...you don't have to leave the room. i'm telling you...sometimes i'm too pissed to pray, but i make myself do it and it works every single freakin' time! maybe you won't pray out loud every time, but just always have a running dialogue with God...mine usually goes something like this: "God...HELP!! what in the world do I do about this?" :) He answers. bringing the focus back to God and all that, it really does work. i'm amazed at my kids' responses when i get out of the flesh stuff being thrown around in the atmosphere and invite God in...again, works every time.
second: MENTORS. we have had and still do have some incredible (!!!!) people in our lives that speak into our lives whenever we ask...and sometimes when we don't (we MUST always stay teachable...if we're not, we miss out on so much of what God has for us in life). if we see a family that we just think, wow, we want our family to look like that, we ask them questions...sometimes we bombard them to be quite honest. :) but, look around...who are those people in your life? if you don't have any, pray for them...they will come.
third: EDUCATION. i personally do not believe that you have to 'get out of the house' to solve this problem. if you pray about it and, in fact, you do need to get out, then do. but, that's just geography. geography is not going to solve the issue of your children's hearts (they are not horrible, by the way...they are normal...everyone needs consistent discipline and 'reigning in'...even us as adults). it might distract them for a time, but their hearts will not be changed for the better...and that's what they need. you need to win their hearts and keep them. the goal is not only to have obedient children, but to have them obey because they want to...obedience not out of obligation, but because they want to please you. we are the picture of God to our children right now...we are their authority. that is the relationship we should all have with God, isn't it...to obey Him because we want to, not out of obligation, but because of our love for Him? this is why it's so important to teach them that with their relationship with us. my parents did not have my heart. i was never a 'bad child' to the extremes, but my heart was rebellious. and to be quite honest, i didn't care if i hurt them in order to do the things that i wanted to do. horrible, but true. unfortunately, they never really worked at gaining my heart...i'm sure they didn't really have that knowledge. they were just doing what their parents did before them. again, unfortunately, we are still not super close because of it. you are not going to just magically be friends with your children after they become an adult...the friendship and closeness is nurtured from the time they are born. my husband's parents on the other hand...the most gentle people you'd ever want to meet. they did not gain their children's obedience by demanding it. they were firm, but incredibly loving and respectful of their children. they spanked, they dealt out consequences, etc. there was a great balance there and their children all wanted to please them. even the one who rebelled a bit cared the whole time he was doing so...felt remorse for not pleasing his parents (totally different than the way i felt in my rebellion)...and by the way, is now part of the leadership in their church. the Bible never fails to be true...train them up in the way they should go and they will not depart from it.
i know that you thrive on educating yourself. and, really you may have already read some of this stuff or heard about it, but just in case you haven't, these are the things that seriously CHANGED OUR LIVES as far as parenting goes (and other things).
1. Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl. this book is very short and simple and basically just gives their methods in training...the practical things. of course, it's not the everything to what they did, but seriously LOVE this book. and, just for a glimpse (and maybe some great advice for you right now even), check this out: http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1997/september/01/child-training-marathon/. you can find SO MANY WONDERFUL nuggets of truth on their website...that give light to the whole of what they are all about and what they believe. seriously, amazing. i read articles on there all the time...and once i start reading on there, i just can't stop. :) also, the book 'created to be his helpmeet' by Debi Pearl...A-MA-ZING!! it is very challenging, but very, very good. wow...the most challenging wifey book i've ever read (and i've read several).
2. i love all the BABYWISE books (and toddlerwise and childwise, etc.) by Gary and Anne-Marie Ezzo. such practical advice on things from babies to adolescents they have in those books (including scheduling of your toddler's/young child's days...and training them how to obey that schedule). but, they also have what used to be called 'growing kids god's way'...i think it is now called something else. churches do it as a parenting class/seminar sometimes. we actually splurged and bought the whole program because we were never in a church who did that and knew we wouldn't be since we were moving overseas (and felt it was completely worth it). it's really, really great, but if you don't have the money for that, you can still find great nuggets in their '-wise' books and i'm sure other things online. i have to warn you...they are a bit controversial. their things have worked beautifully for us, esp. since we are able to use the Holy Spirit as our guide and not a recommendation in a book (for instance, the thing they catch most flack about is letting a baby 'cry it out' sometimes...apparently people who don't use common sense have actually let their babies be injured by letting them cry it out too much; or the scheduling of feeding...apparently some babies were malnourished to the point of death (just what i've heard)...again, common sense for heaven's sake). anyway, it is great stuff.
there are so many great, Godly books/programs out there. 'shepherding a child's heart' is another one i could mention...pretty amazing. then there are classics like 'dare to discipline.' basically, i just encourage you to really dive in and read, educate yourself. my family growing up didn't do things the way we are doing them. in fact, we've caught plenty of slack over the years. but, now that the kids are getting older and our family is seeing the fruit of our 'differences,' it's much better of course. they love that our kids are calm and obedient. they are still stinkin' fun with great personalities...we definitely aren't raising little stepford children or anything. but, obedient...yes. because ultimately, training them to obey US is training them to obey GOD! if they don't listen to us when we are staring them in the face, how well are they going to listen to that 'still, small voice' from someone they can't even see?
i will be praying for you. i know how tough it seems at times...and how you just feel like you aren't doing anything right (by the way, get on course and then don't believe the devil's lies...you are an amazing mom). i felt that way around the time grady was 2...i didn't know what i had done wrong. he still wasn't obeying me immediately and didn't seem to mind a spanking all that much even. but, when they say that consistency in the key, it truly is. my husband's grandparents once made the statement that they felt sure that the verse that states 'do not grow weary in doing good' is about child-training. :) they raised 8 children. i have to say that i agree with them. :) consistency, even when it is inconvenient, is key. that and love...love, love, love. a good balance of all that will cause you to just have great relationships with them...and you will be 'friends' (in the sense that you will want to please each other and serve each other, etc.).
now this is a heckuva comment, isn't it? :) but, be encouraged!! it is not too late...NOT AT ALL! don't feel overwhelmed or defeated...be excited and renewed and refreshed...this is the dawning of a new day, girlfriend! can't wait to hear the updates on this to come. again, praying for you.
Whew! It's nice that when I'm struggling with yelling and being too rough that I read of another mother struggling with the same issues. I am a wonderful mother, but I have a child that is "Spirited" and she's taken me places in parenting that I wasn't prepared for.
I would suggest that you begin to change your thoughts in regards to making them obey you. At 2 and 4 they are doing what they should be - pushing against you to exert their independence. So not fun, but a necessary part of becoming independent from mama.
If you haven't already read "Raising your spirited child" you may want to look into it. It was an eye-opener for me in how to approach my children.
The one thing that makes me a better mom and my girls happier children is getting out of the house everyday. With your little brood it will me more difficult to coordinate but I think it is important. They are better behaved in a different environment and I'm forced to parent them in a way that doesn't involve yelling ;) Do you have playgroups in your area?
Ah, there you go, Lana said it better than I did! At 2 and 4 they are doing exactly what they should be, and pushing the boundaries to learn to be independent. And see, she has a girl, so my sometimes expressed notions that girls don't go through the same process (and are therefore little angels) is way off :-)
I wanted to let you know about our evening out yesterday, so that you can stop worrying about behaviour when you take yours out...PS, child-being-sick warning...
My folks arrived for the Easter weekend yesterday afternoon - the boys haven't seen them in a month so there was a certain amount of excitement. To avoid having to cook, we decided to go to the local steak restaurant. I've been known so say, serenely, ever so slightly smugly, how good my boys are in restaurants...
Well, we got there and Jamie had a hissy fit about the table *he* chose, and went off and sat at the one opposite by himself (he's three). Then when the colouring stuff arrived he came back and turned all the crayons out over the table and the floor. Then the milkshakes and a salad arrived. Both boys drank their shakes - peace for a second. Then Nicky (21 months) got his hand on a potato skin and I Didn't Notice. Next thing I know he's doing that coughy/chokey thing, and before I can even react to that the milkshake is coming back up; more milkshake I swear than was in the little kiddies cup he had. I'm holding every paper napkin on the table under his mouth, and Jon and I are holding a fierce, barely sotto voce conversation about what to do - I said we sit it out at the table and clean up afterwards, and he wanted me to pick Nicky up and rush through to the loo's with him. Carrying a vomiting child through a busy restaurant ... madness. We were not a picture of marital harmony at that point.
Then just as Nicky was better ("All gone" he says cheerfully) the waitress brings them balloons. Which they fight with, and inveigle their NanNan into playing ball with. Across an already crowded table. Excitement quickly mounted to fever pitch levels and NanNan's glass of wine was sent flying... wine and ice everywhere, and glass pretty much everywhere else.
In the leaping about after that, Jamie escaped the confines of the table and took ALL the "cookbooks (menues) out of their container and spread them out on the floor.
Nicky ate precisely one fishfinger, and Jamie had 7 olives and nothing else. But I've learnt something. 1) I wish we'd never introduced milkshakes as something kids get when we go to a steak restaurant. 2) The first night they see their grandparents after a gap, Stay In. and 3) Everything can be mopped up, picked up and bagged up to take home for later. And it's funny after a bit. Really.
Both boys have a virus at the moment, as do I. We're all chesty and coughing and have froggy voices. But we're off out to the Giant Pineapple later, to show off to NanNan and Grandad one of the wonders of the Eastern Cape (!) so look out for photos on Facebook of great mayhem :-) Hope today will be a good day, honey. xxxx
Alice, I can't add anything other than what has already been said (I particularly agree with Meg, Jemma and Lana!) but please don't think we expect your children to be perfectly behaved - we are all real mamas with our real ups and downs! Hopefully you feel better at least for offloading, fingers crossed today is a better day for you. Sam
Pray! Pray! Pray! This stage will pass. I went through this with my boys. I never thought I would make it through the wild & crazy stage. I walked away, took a deep breath, prayed to God and tried to calm myself before dealing with the misbehaving. One day you will look back and pat yourself on the back and praise the Good Lord Above that you made it through this. I wish I had some really good advice. We all go through this. Just remember.. this too shall pass. God Bless! xoxo
Alice,
Having a 4 year old boy myself...I can tell you with 100% certainty, it IS a boy thing. They make tons of books on it "raising boys". Why else would they do that? They're insane. That being said, we have found the reward system so much more helpful than the punishment system. Try a reward chart and having the boys help you come up with their specific tasks or expectatins. Review it with them everyday and put stickers on each day or task they complete. Have a grand total reward for them (a trip to the park, an ice cream sundae on Friday) or a "treausre box" that they pick from at the end of each day or a particular time period. At Cam's school they have a traffic light system. They all start out on green and if they stay there throughout the day they get to pick from the box. If they disobery, don't listen, fight, are rude, etc...they move up to Yellow. If the behvaior continues they move to Red and get nothing. They can be cheap rewards, like candy, crafts or toy cars, a marker, an eraser. The kids get a sticker if they end the day on yellow, but a treasure if they end on green. A firm talking to if it is red. They quickly learn how to achieve the right behavior to get what they want and they make a choice not to. I would even involve Nathan and use him as your model. You could make one for him that you know he will achieve and then give him his reward in front of the other boys so they feel compelled to earn theirs too.. (since you can make his task "don't cry during nappy change"...."Yay, Nathan. You didn't cry. Lets see what your reward is and then they boys will listen up closely). You are a great mother and kudos to you for raising 3 boys on your own. It is not easy work and we learn as we go. You just have to listen to your heart, find a system of discipline you can follow through on (in your condition, lugging them, chasing them to spank them, or even just grabbing hold of them can be exhausting!) and use it. Once you find what rings their bell, you will get them. Breathe. It will all be ok.
I have had a hard time with my 4 1/2 year old Jonas as well. I actually thought that maybe he was ADHD or ADD or something else causing him to be so very unmanageable and defiant. I can fully identify with your emotions: shame, despair, and utter anger!
I described his behaviors that concerned me to a home school support group "expert" I am in contact with and she suggested that maybe he is affected by Sensory Processing Disorder.
I had never heard of that so I felt unsure and began reading books and articles about it. After reading pertinent parts of "The Out of Sync Child" (a book) I tend to agree with her assesment. The good news is that SPD is an issue that is dealt with NOT with medication but with physical therapy type things and exercises and activities. One thing that really helps my son to calm down is tight tight bear hugs. He also responds to a rather hard scrubbing of his skin like with a towel. Another game suggested for kids with his sensory issues (there are a number of ways SPD can manifest itself) is to make a "people sandwich" by squashing him between two pillows and kind of smooshing him down a bit (head sticking out of the pillows of course).
Re: the "poo" talk; I say things like "That is potty talk, we don't want to talk like that." I haven't made a huge issue of it and it really hasn't become a big deal yet. I haven't yelled about that but I do find myself yelling...too much.
However realizing that Jojo is affected by SPD has given me more patience with him. Also the other night he was in tears because he said Papa and I yell at him all the time. I told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't yell, and I would try not to anymore. That gave me some accountability right to him, that I was going to stop the yelling. My yelling is such a knee jerk reaction and not effective at all. It doesn't help the problem, it just creates another issue.
I know all of that is hard to remember in the heat of the moment.
I have been there!
Hi Alice.
Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time at the moment. I have just ben looking through a brilliant Christian website for women and they have got a bible study available on discipline and I just wondered if it might help? I have no idea what it is like but it is described as follows - OVERVIEW
Do you second-guess yourself at every turn when it comes to how and when to discipline your child? Many parents feel inadequate and that they've run out of effective discipline tools. Use this guide to help navigate this often-tricky terrain and increase your confidence in one of your most important jobs as a parent.
It is available free at the moment so you have nothing to lose I guess! The link is; http://store.todayschristianwomanstore.com/diwico.html
Sending lots of love and prayers your way,
Love Heather (exAYmer)
Hi, Alice, I'm a long time lurker who's finally decided to come out of hiding to leave a bit of advice.
I'm not a parent myself, but I've been caring for children since I was 11. Right now, I'm an infant/toddler teacher. I work with 8 children ranging in ages from 6 weeks to 2 years every day, and before that, I worked in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center as a child specialist. I'm very familiar with how hard it is to juggle a group of children at various ages and stages of development.
You probably won't like what I have to say, but I'm going to throw it out there anyways. The behaviors you describe are identical to what my kids at work display when they are nearing two and outgrown our room. They're bored and past the stage where our typical daily routine can keep them stimulated and engaged. Have you thought about purchasing special toys that you keep up on shelves away from the rest of their toys? It keeps that toy fresh and interesting when you pull it out for them, it works like a charm.
Another thing is that when they act out, they get a big reaction out of you by the sound of it. That makes it a game. Sometimes, you've got to just back off and let them go at it. They are TRYING to get a rise out of you, so the more you react, the more they are going to act out. Especially when they feed off of one another. Sometimes, you need to just take a deep breath and hold your tongue. If you ignore the behavior (so long as it is not hurting anyone or destroying anything), they may just give up if they don't get a rise out of you. The games no fun if there's no reaction.
Also, I really think you need to get them out of the house more. They have to be able to stretch their legs and run and climb and do what little boys do best. Again, it breaks up the mundane and keeps them stimulated and allows them to release energy. You always say how helpful it is when the boys get out of the house. While kids do thrive on routine, they also thrive on new environments to explore and being able to run and play. I know it's hard getting them all outside, believe me, I'm allowed to have four by myself and I depending on the day I'll have to juggled getting a 6 week old, an 8 month old and a couple of 23 month olds outside at the same time. It's like a circus trying to get everything they need outside, but it helps and they love it SO MUCH. Even the very small ones love going outside.
I think Arthur would really benefit from having a playmate his own age to run around with. He's at the point where socializing is a big thing for him and it would do him good to interact with others his own age and at his own development level. I know he probably does excellent playing with his younger brothers, but I imagine that he can get quite frustrated at times because they are not at his cognitive level, thus they can't always play the games he's after the right way.
I know you're very germaphobic, but you can't protect them forever. Getting sick sucks, I know, but they get better and their bodies get more capable of handling infection. No matter where you take the boys, there are going to be germs. Whether it's to the store, the doctors office, the library, the park, anywhere, you're going to encounter germs. It's a part of life and kids are lucky enough to handle the infections fairly easily and move on.
If you're insistent, however, perhaps you could contact mothers from your church, and arrange dates with them one or two at a time. Set up playdates at the park or at eachothers houses. That way, you'll have someone to help you getting to and fro, and an extra pair of hands in between. I think the boys would really benefit having interactions with others their age. It helps them socially and it helps them developmentally.
I hope this doesn't come off as overly harsh or anything. You're a wonderful mother to those boys, but it seems like you're trying to be absolutely everything you possibly can and it's running you down. I know you want to keep them close, but you can still do that while letting other children fill in as playmates and entertainers. And by trying to fill every role in their lives, you're not taking care of yourself. You need to have time for yourself so you can recoop and reenergize to be the best mommy you can be. I hope these suggestions might help make things easier for you.
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