I miss my husband (who DOES rock all the same! ;) I know it's "My Husband Rocks!" Friday, and I WILL get right back to those posts soon!) who is stressed at work and spends all his evenings with headphones on watching TV or playing his flight simulator computer game. He's here about a couple of feet away from me all evening, every evening (thankful that I have him here though, really!), but I can't remember when we last talked properly. He is a sweet man and he listens to me and we chat about the day, but it's quick and surface-ish, and I feel all too aware of having a short time to cram in whatever I want to quickly say, because I know he wants to get onto his "relaxing" time in front of the TV. For months this has been okay, but I suddenly feel so sad and lonely about it tonight.
The main thing that feels overwhelming to me is the terrible state of the house. It's waaaaay beyond "so you've let the housework go because you have many small children and that's okay dear because it's far more important to tend to the children and give them quality time than try to keep up with the housework". It's SO bad. So bad now that it's actually bad for the children. And I don't know how to fix it, because the task is mountainous and I can't seem to get the time or energy to do more than a token few minutes a day. And that is not even maintaining what needs doing each day to prevent MORE mess/scum from accumulating, so it gets worse, not better, even with the effort I CAN put in.
I'm worried because:
1) I think if anyone welfare-ish saw it, we would be in some sort of trouble, for the children's sakes (THAT was horrible to admit in public!). Yes, I do HEAVILY crop my photographs, or take care about the backdrops.
2) I know it's affecting at least Arthur to live in such a horrible cluttered, messy, unclean home. There's little enough space in our home for us all as it is, but it's so much worse when that space is full of untidiness and disorder. Arthur is the type who really needs order around him to stay sane, it seems, and I feel so bad that I'm not providing it, even months and months after realising his need - nothing has really changed even with the various efforts I've tried to put in.
3) It depresses and agitates me personally (and probably Neil and the other children too, though they haven't indicated this as such) to live in a cluttered, dirty, messy state. Double that feeling for a cluttered, dirty, messy state that is seemingly impossible to resolve.
We try to really DO it at the weekends, but inevitably I'm exhausted from the week and need to get some extra sleep or rest, and Neil is taking on extra responsibility with the boys while I meet my needs and Benjamin's, and then throw in meals/meal prep, taking the boys out to the park or something, and just little things like putting little ones down for naps, changing clothes and nappies, etc, and the time is all but gone, even with two adults at home! Somehow it happens every single weekend day. Then it's evening and we flake out. Sometimes at the weekends I will try to "blitz" some horrible zone from when I put Benjamin down for a nap till when he wakes again, and I really feel like I could work fast and accomplish a lot, but the time isn't available and it's so frustrating! Benjamin wakes after 30 minutes (to the clock!) and sometimes I can go and rock/bounce his Amby hammock and he'll go back off for another 30 minutes (or occasionally a couple of hours, but somehow it doesn't seem to happen at the weekends!) or otherwise he won't go back to sleep and I get him up, and thus endeth the clutter blitz. Trying to tidy with Benjamin up and awake doesn't work well because he likes my attention! ;)
If the house wasn't in such a very bad state it would probably work to tackle it gradually like that over a couple of months. But it's so DEEP! I can't fathom ever getting a handle on it now. I think we'll move house eventually with it in this state, and hopefully start with a clean slate when we arrive at the new place, and process the clutter accordingly as we move in and unpack. But we haven't even got our house on the market or have any idea where we're going yet, so I feel sad that we're stuck with the mess right now :(
The boys are rather difficult behaviour-wise still, but that isn't news really. Arthur is improving a bit actually, though his bad moments are AWFUL. Also, Nathan has started to join in over the past week or two. He watches the older two, and copies lately. They are so RUDE to me! I wonder if there is any form of discipline they will ever respond to?! I know I'm a broken record, and I'm ashamed to say it again, but we must just not be being consistent enough, and we have to do better at it. Nathan has gone from saying a mischeivous "No!" with a smile when asked to do X, or say sorry to Y, or something, to this week saying, "Go 'way, shoo!" and smacking my FACE as I kneel in front of him to tell him something serious like, "We don't snatch toys" or "No hitting!" I can assure you, he gets disciplined IMMEDIATELY and consistently for this! He is solemn and will apologise right away afterwards, but it's just so disheartening to see two unruly kiddos turn into what looks to become three, and I can barely manage the two on bad days.
It's a pity party, that's what it is, and I should NOT buy into that, nor let myself dwell there at all. I am just having a (thankfully not frequent!) "Bad At" cycle. I look at the fruit, and don't see great stuff. My three main roles (other than serving and loving God, which, while I'm here, is not the offering it should be) are Wife. Mother. Home-maker. If my hubby is turning elsewhere for relaxation or relief from stress, then *I* must take responsibility for that. To some degree. A LARGE degree, I think. I should be making myself more enticing than the TV or the computer, as a source of happiness, comfort, and relief from stress. The fruit shows me that I have a waaaaaay to go in that department.
If my children are rude and aggressive and disobedient towards their parents at such young ages, then there is quite literally NOBODY else to blame but the parents. So I am feeling not-so-great at that area right now.
Home-making, well, I have covered that already. I don't want to be bad at what I do! I couldn't imagine wanting to do anything more than I have always wanted to be a housewife, have babies, and raise children! And yet I am
Well. That is off my chest. /pity party.
Soooo, Nathey is talking to Monkey lately about things as he carries him about, just the two of them! It's sooooooo cute! He shows Monkey the cars in the car box, and his favourite stories. I hear him say in a sort of slightly hushed "private" voice, "Look Monkey! Cwuck! (truck)" and things like that. After a while he will call over to me, "Showing Monkey!" for affirmation. He's the sweetest pie! If even a splash of water goes on Monkey and makes him a bit wet, he gets a very sad voice - almost panicky sounding actually - and says, "Monkey! Wet! 'Peew! (spill)" and then, "Make. Better!" His short sentences are still quite staccato and the words are seperate even though strung together. He then hands Monkey to me and says, "Put. Dees-usher!" All the appliances (washing machine, tumble dryer, dishwasher) in the kitchen are "dees-usher" (dishwasher!) at the moment, though obviously he meant for me to put him in the tumble dryer on that occasion! ;)
Benjamin is eagerly grasping toys, and has just started to transfer them from one hand to the other and back again, to examine them more carefully. He sits well with support and continues to do up to 10 seconds unsupported, just sitting on the floor. He is "tripod sitting" though, none of that well-balanced straight-backed stuff that will come in a couple more months! :) He quivers with excitement over ANY vehicle that we've shown him, and doesn't do the same over Duplo or other things that he's still interested in and likes to mouthe. Another vehicle addict, then! ;) His hair is growing in so fast and is getting on for a centimetre long in a soft fuzzy halo all over his head. It's mid-brown and delectable.
Matthew is learning to hold his pencil correctly, and finally eager to try it because he soooo wants to be doing "proper" school like Arthur. He sometimes accepts the pre-school worksheets and stuff that I offer him, but often he doesn't want THAT - he points to the books that I use to teach Arthur reading and maths, and says he wants to learn from THOSE books. He traced the number 5 really clearly today holding his pencil the right way, and we made a big deal of it and he was so pleased and proud of himself! The Right Start Mathematics number songs that we sing at the start of Arthur's maths lessons are going down really well. Matthew knows the words and actions, and sings them better than Arthur does, with SUCH enthusiasm, bless his heart! During the maths lessons we start with warm up exercises, and often I have to flash a number card or tally sticks, or my fingers at Arthur with a certain number and he has to quickly shout out the number, or enter it on the abacus. I see little Matthew's eager face behind Arthur as I flash the cards, desperate to take part. This morning I flashed a tally card depicting the number 3, and he yelled "THREE!!!!" within a second, before Arthur even could, and was again sooooooo pleased and proud! :) He loves to keep up with Arthur. It would be great to school them together at exactly the same level, but Matthew is just that bit too much younger than Arthur I think, especially as Arthur is off to a flying start.
Arthur's school is going great still! We are halfway through the Bible Study lessons, and currently learning about why Jesus came to earth. Arthur lately calls himself a friend of Jesus, and jumps about excited at moments during the day when he does something like stopping before lashing out at his brother, or obeying me straight away, etc, saying that he's excited because he did something to please Jesus. Sunday school have been working on this with the kids lately and they have butterfly posters that they coloured in, with a bunch of stickers to stick on them when they do something that pleases Jesus! I write whatever it is on the sticker and he sticks it on. He is very motivated by the sticker poster lately. On Friday last week, he suddenly said that Rachel, the lady who runs the kids' work at church, works very hard, and then he made her a lovely card. He dictated a message for me to write inside (something like, "Thank you for working so hard at kids club and church, and for all that you do. I hope you get some rest because you work SO hard." and then he signed his name himself, and eagerly took it to her at church on Sunday by himself. She emailed me the next day to say how much his card blessed her and how whe will cherish it always, and never forget his sweet face as he gave it to her! He was glad to please Jesus that time, too :)
Arthur is excited about adding and the beginnings of subtracting at the moment, and constantly asks me to give him more maths problems throughout the day, especially when I'm trying to cook dinner or at the table! He has been taught to add using the abacus, and when I told him one evening to wait till after dinner when we could check on the abacus for the answer, he just went quiet and thoughtful, and a few moments later told me the answer! I asked him how he knew, and he said he saw the abacus in his head and did it there. I'm excited about that because I remember when I was looking for a maths curriculum and I read all the stuff about Right Start, and it really stood out to me that children would quickly begin to visualise the abacus and work out sums and problems in their heads effectively that way. I remember thinking that sounded great, but hard to believe until I saw it, you know? Well I'm so encouraged to be seeing it! :)
His reading is going well. We did lesson 65 out of 100 today, from "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons" and his letter writing is much improved too. He can write his name, and pretty much any word if I spell it out for him as he goes along. He has not done capital letters yet (I think we have another 10 or so lessons to go before we do those), but I have taught him to write capital A for his name. He learned the sound "oo" today, which is is thrilled about because it is part of the word "poo". *sigh* ;) He reads his stories in his lessons fairly easily. He does still have to sound out some words, but for the most part he is reading 1-2 words per second once he gets going. The story in his next lesson is this one:
the bug said, "yes. I am sad. I need to get to the other side of the lake. I will give you a dime." (Arthur knows that a dime is an American coin, just as he knows that a cop is another word for a policeman! These come up from time to time in the stories)
the eagle said, "yes. give me a dime and I will take you to the other side." so the bug gave the eagle a dime and got on the eagle. they went over the lake to the other side.
The stories are sometimes silly and don't make a lot of sense, but I like that because Arthur finds them funny which increases his motivation to read through them. Also it shows me that he is comprehending what he's reading if he can tell me what is happening in the story despite it not making a lot of sense! Some of them do make sense though. I like the variation.
Well, I feel a lot better now! :) I nursed my sweet little tiny, and have reminded myself here that my boys are lovely lovely and worth persevering with! Neil helped me rock Benjamin when he had wind, and I ate some peaches and evaporated milk (Yum! Comfort food from my childhood!).
I really want to post more photos and also just jot down a list of some of the ways Nathan says things at the moment. They are too cute to bear and I DON'T want it all to slip by and to have no record of it when it's gone :( That would be heartbreaking!
Back soon!
7 comments:
Alice, my first thought is that you really need some help, especially if you are keen to be moving in the near future and people will be coming to view the house? Is there any possibility of your Mum helping for a long weekend to clear areas and then hire a cleaner to finish off? Or a friend from church? I really feel for you, it does sound like it's really getting you down :(
I don't know if this will help you but I thought I would suggest it. A few years ago our house got completley out of control (and we dont have kids yet!) because my mum moved away from a 4 bed house to a flat (when she got divorced from my dad) and a few weeks later she fell and broke her back and never came back to finish packing and sorting. As a result we ended up with all of her stuff in our little 2 bed house and we were swamped. Then we moved house twice quickly and things got out of hand till we moved to this house and just couldnt ope with being surrounded by rubbish and boxes and bags anymore.
What we have done is put the things we NEED urgently into one room together and then everything else has been packed up (a bit at a time / a room at a time) and put into storage. This way the rooms are clear of anything we dont immediately need and if we do suddenly realise we need something the boxes are labelled in storage to go and look. Now we are working our way through the house cleaning it and decorating it and then the next plan is to bring home two or three boxes a week to sort through and either put away or recycle or have a good throw out session (or even ebay to cover the cost of storage!) It is so much easier to clean with everything out of the way and to be able to see the walls in some of the rooms is such a blessing!
There there are even companies who will come out and box everyting for you and take it storage if that is something that would help you. I would think there would be someone near you the same?
I dont know if this helps you but for us it was the answer, just getting the place clearer allowed us to see what needed to be done and it was then (fairly :) )easy to do.
Will be praying for you all,
God bless,
Heather (exAYME)
I know you won't want advice really so instead I'll offer some hope....
That dream of being able to start afresh in a new house did work for us :) We had got so very cluttered in the old place but are much more in control here.
Something that really helped was clearing the house for viewings. We packed away and put into the loft anything that we weren't actually going to NEED (as in actually use) over the next few months. That included some ornaments, clothes, toys, DVDs etc.
You'll be surprised how little of what you have around you actually needs to be there. Once we'd moved we found that much of the stuff we had packed away we no longer wanted and happily sold it on Ebay or gave it away on Freecycle :)
Hugs, hope the water level drops for you soon.
xxxxxx
I'm not suprised you feel overwhelmed sometimes, ALice. You have a LOT on your plate! I think any normal person would have struggles to deal with all you have to deal with. I guess you just need to make some decisions about what has got to give - no one can do it 'all', and you do have options available to you.
Might I suggest one thing? Why not sit down with Neil, and suggest a weekly 'date night'? I know you don't like to leave your children, so you could plan something special at home together. Just one evening where the tv is off, and you get to be together, face to face.
I think I told you we are about to have our first baby - SO excited! - and that is something we are going to do. I do thing marriage is the number one most important thing - even more so than the children - and we will do our best to safeguard that. Marriage first, children second. They will be much happier with a happy mummy and daddy.
Hang in there and give yourself grace. You really do an amazing job.
Valerie
One more thing - when you are tired, NOTHING is in perspective! You need to watch that - it is very easy to slip into depression when you are overtired. I've have been reading up a storm, talking to lots of friends with children, learning from bloggers, praying - and I think that we will really try to get our baby on a routine, making sure sleep is a priority. I think sleep deprivation is a killer.
I pray that you can get your babies sleeping well so that you can - I think you'll find things much easier to deal with, precious. Such a key to mental well-being. Big hugs to you.
Hi alice, I've been thinking about your post and relating it our situation which was similar and how we resolved it. Moving wasn't an option so we had to make do with what we had. First off you are in no way a 'bad' wife or mother for the state of your house - you have 6 people living in a small two-bedroomed house, no wonder you're drowning under all the stuff you have!!
You need to create storage, for us it was clothes/toys/books/shoes and coats which littered every available surface and they needed their own home. I know you sold off some of your garden but is there enough space (and money) to build a conservatory or extension out back? Not only would this add value to your home it can be built quickly with minimum of fuss to you and you can then move school in there as well as having a place to store books etc. that would free up the living room, get some big bookcases or storage units from Ikea and organise all the toys etc in there. This would hopefully make a big difference to downstairs. Another idea is your loft, we had ours boarded out and it made a MASSIVE difference, we put shelves and cupboards up there and suddenly there was enough room for all the junk we wanted but didn't know where to put, with a proper loft ladder it's almost a pleasure to go up there and get things down. Utlising this space effectively will add value to your home and give you so much storage space. We had 4 people sharing two wardrobes which didn't work but no room for more wardrobes so I put up shelves everywhere possible in the bedrooms, I put pants/socks etc in wicker baskets and folded bodysuits/t-shirts/jumpers etc next to them, it actually works well because I can see what I need without rummaging through a drawer. I did the same in the bathroom and put all towels/bedlinen etc in there. You can buy shelves really cheap from B&Q but if like me your hubby is no good at putting them up then get someone to close their eyes and come round and do it for you, the people who did our loft put ours up for a small sum and not only were they quickly erected but I knew they were safe.
Do the boys have chores yet? You could have them help around the house - things like finding every book in every room and bringing it to you so you can sort and display them properly, or loading and emptying the washer/dryer - my 3-year old does things like this and gets a biscuit and juice as a thank you. I also have a problem with putting clean clothes away so now I put the basket on one of the childrens' beds so I can't put them down until they've been put away, usually hurridly, lol.
Sorry this is so long, but I hope some of the suggestions help, I think moving would be the best thing for you but in the meantime its important to feel happy(ish) where you are.
I agree with what others have said, but want to reiterate, don't be afraid/ashamed to ask for help! We all need help sometimes, you just have to be brave enough to do it.
Pick one weekend that is going to be all about decluttering and ask a friend, family member, or fellow church member (or two) to come over to help. Have Neil take the boys, and either wear Benj or have someone come over specifically to mind him... then just get to it! You clear away clutter, packing it up to store (if it is not immediately needed), putting it away in a proper place, or sorting it to be donated or junked... and those who are there to help can work on cleaning. Its overwhelming, but if you take it a room at a time, I'm sure its doable.
Good luck!
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