I don’t think I can stand it, Lord. I don’t know if I can stand it. All of these things, all of these pressures and stresses and worries and fears and the overwhelmingness of life, but with your love as a banner over me. Your love, constantly washing over me, a steady stream, always flowing, always strong, over all of it. I don’t know if I can stand up under your love another moment, and I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I love you too. I just don’t know if I can cope with the purity and strength of yours. I just might break apart. Maybe just ache. But maybe break into a million tiny pieces, and then what will I do?

But, I don’t want you to stop. Please stay loving me in a steady stream.

Keeping up....

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I need some sort of cuckoo clock with this verse popping out every 5 minutes around the clock. Seriously.

I am really struggling lately with carrying out this verse in my role as Mummy to my five little men! I know what the "good" is that I am meant to be doing. It varies depending on the age and personality of each child, and the season of parenting I’m in. Right now one of my biggest sources of weariness is Benjamin’s shrill screaming tantrums that he gives us many times each day, lasting at least 20 minutes straight and often longer. He screams and won’t be calmed down by anything (or nothing at all!), until he’s a quivering, crimson mess with hair sweated through to the tips. It’s honestly worse than a pneumatic drill for decibels and distraction! The boys are fed up with it, I’m fed up with it, and we can’t hear ourselves or get anything done. I should have nipped it in the bud earlier than this, but it started a couple of weeks or so before I got a kidney stone which has led me a merry dance for a month now – finally resolved last week though (SO THANKFUL!!!) and I already have half a post drafted about it, for my records. Will finish it and post it soon! So Neil went back to work today, having had to look after the little ones for WEEKS on holiday time from work, and now I must deal with the issues at hand!

Mucho training is needed in so many areas! I’m not feeling defeated or overwhelmed by the task, for once! I am digging deep into Scripture and finding strength where I should always be looking for it in the first place (*sigh* I am such a s-l-o-w learner!). But off the top of my head, here’s a rundown of the things I know I need to tackle imminently. Not sure of a game plan yet, but I know God will help me with that:

• Benjamin’s tantrums

• Teaching sweet attitude and first time obedience to Benjamin. These are biggies, but bare essentials, and I left it WAY late to even attempt these with the others (with continuing consequences). I know from other wise mamas online that I have ALREADY left it late with Benji, though he's only just two. Onward, though! :)

• Teaching sweet attitude and first time obedience to Nathan. Oh, and Matthew and Arthur while I’m at it. *sigh* I really wish I had been diligent in the earlier years. I am ongoingly tackling this with the boys now, but it’s endless and usually seems fruitless, and can become extremely wearing – hence the need for the cuckoo clock as mentioned above!

Well I thought I would have a load of things on a list, and there really IS so very much to do, but now that I am looking at my list, I can see that ALL of it springs from the basic need for my children to obey me and have a good attitude about it, 99% of the time. A tall order, yes, but I am not a slave driver in my approach, just firm. And I know that little children can and do learn these things when taught diligently, so I have hope and press on.

Sometimes though, I struggle with working Galatians 6:9 through. I start to question myself on things when I'm tired and three children are crying at once, and I'm not talking about having a quiet cry about something for a few minutes! ;) I'm talking about one irate tantrumming child, one hungry or tired baby crying to be picked up, and one child who is angry because I'm the world's worst mummy right at that moment to him, for a temporary specific reason. Loud, emotionally loaded, and incessant crying! In that moment, when I am unsure which child to deal with first, and I choose (for example) to continue consistent discipline with my toddler who, when reminded that we don't throw XYZ toy, yelled at me, "No way! I corn lis-nin!" (I can't listening, otherwise translated as, "I'm not listening!", and yes, Benjamin has picked this up from one of two older brothers who no longer say this after what feels like months of continuous discipline over it) and needs to apologise before anything else happens (breathe, long sentence!), I end up second-guessing whether I'm doing the right thing, in the midst of the moment. I can't think straight sometimes, and my efforts seem to make things worse sometimes, and I think that really I'm just totally GUESSING at the "good", the RIGHT thing to do, sometimes. Then I think of the verse, about how we should not grow weary of doing GOOD, and I think, "But what if the GOOD I'm persevering with ISN'T the GOOD I think it is?!" What if I'm doing it all wrong?! I want to persevere with good as a parent, but then I have moments where I come unstuck and have NO idea what is good and what isn't!

I really want to reap a harvest with my children! Basically as little ones, they have two commands in the Bible to learn and follow, and we learned this verse as our first memory verse last year:

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your father and your mother, which is the first commandment with a promise; that it may go well with you, and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Ephesians 6:1-3

They need to learn to obey us. Obeying means doing as they are asked:

•Immediately
•Cheerfully
•Completely

And they need to learn to honour us, which means respecting us, not being rude or answering back or having a bad attitude towards us.

There are too many families online for me to even link to (though I should give it a go sometime for the encouragement of others who might read this), who raise their children in this way from a YOUNG age, kindly and lovingly, and these children are a delight to be around, well adjusted, joyful and confident. Family life is much more calm and less chaotic than ours, and I know I need to press on in these areas to see this kind of fruit. I wish I had learned this stuff earlier! Now that we're working on it, and have been for quite a long time - a year or more? - it is hard going! I don't know whether that's just normal and you just press on? Or if it's evidence that things need tweaking to be effective and lead to good fruit and a more harmonious family life?! I have no idea what I'm doing, but for the first time I feel like I am aiming in the right direction. I was always so frustrated before, having no idea but ALSO not knowing what my goals should be or why! I honestly feel like the most DENSE parent out there, lol! I know every parent has their moments, but I feel such a twit, as far as parents go! ;) I feel like people knowing about this would be rolling their eyes saying, "And she's got FIVE?!?!"

Well, this post was really to just sort of to write about my journey of cluelessness, um PARENTING, haha! So that I don't forget, and so that I might even learn from it, and look back someday and go, "Ahhh, that's where I turned the corner!!" or, "Ahhh, THAT'S where I should have tried X, Y or Z instead! Oh dear!", hehe!

I just wish I had some sort of accountability from WISE WISE persons, who actually do know all the answers from experience, and who have set about raising their children exactly the way I want to, and who can tell me if I'm on track, or veering waaaay off course. I know that God is my source. I pray about it a lot. But often still feel a bit lost on what I should be doing. I do feel that God leads me to wise advice when I ask him to help me and give me wisdom though. If it's of God, it's nearly always confirmed around that same time with a Bible verse. Ahhh, I don't know! Sometimes I just feel so lost in what I'm trying to do that I don't know what I'm doing, HOW to do it, or even if I should be doing it at all!! I think this is a better way of describing the way I was feeling when I wrote my last blog entry in JUNE (gasp, way too long ago!) about having so many children that I didn't know what to do!

It really isn't the number of children, although I am noticing that having more children forces me to face up to things that I must deal with as a parent but which I could (and probably would, knowing myself!) let slide if I was under less pressure with fewer children. It's the parenting of them and not knowing how, or what I'm doing. The number of children means I have more plates spinning, which is a bit overwhelming sometimes.

You know what? On my worst days where I feel the most overwhelmed, I never, not once, ever feel like I have "too many" children. I have five wonderful, darling, precious children. My children are all boys. I would be a rich, rich woman if I had a pound for every time someone said the words, "All boys?!?!" to me now, lol! Ohh I've heard that one a lot. Everyone wants to know if we've been trying for a girl, or longing for a daughter. You know what? I've never been more thrilled to have five boys and NO daughters. I would love a daughter. I'm girly. I want hair to French plait and pink glittery crafts and ohhhh, girly bedding and sweet little sundresses!!! It's possible to feel that way without the slightest pang whatsoever when I think of my houseful of little boys and the distinct possibility of always being the only girl in my houseful of boys! :)

I love having boys! I love having babies! I love having children. I would joyfully and gratefully welcome more of them, if the Lord was pleased to bless us that way. Lately, with my health having a "moment" with the kidney stone, losing a ton of weight, and generally getting run down - it's been a bit scary at times for me. And that has made me nervous of pregnancy and more babies. I get panicky and think, what about my body?!! Will it cope?!! But when I fix my eyes on Jesus and I trust God with my body, and my womb, and thus my babies, the fear evaporates. Slowly, sometimes! ;) But it does. And that's kind of a marker for me to know what's the right thing to do. Fear isn't of God, and looking at my fertility in a "worldly" way, for want of a better description, worrying about the physical side of things, whether it would be daft and overwhelm us, and alllll the other possible concerns with having more babies - none of those bring me peace. The only peace to be gained for me there is taking control of it all by preventing the chance of any more babies, and that's the same kind of feeling of "peace" I used to get when I was a teenager, deathly afraid of vomiting and carrying around a pack of tummy pills in my bag. They were my security because if I felt anxious and queasy for any reason, I would PANIC. But if I had my pills - just to peek in and look at them in my bag, a sense of calm would come over me. They were there if I needed them.

There's a great verse in the Bible that a Christian counsellor once shared with me that transformed my thinking over many things in my life at that time:

"But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment." Isaiah 50:11

I light my own fires when I try to control things myself, when I make my own security by setting things up just so. It's freeing and releasing to give control of BIG things to God - big things rightfully belong in God's control anyway. I know from experience that it's torment to try to hang on to control of such things myself. Greater strength is needed to keep hold all the time, and greater is the anxiety over it. Letting go is NOT my forte! ;) I struggle with that immensely, BUT it's worth it. The feeling of worry over babies and the future, and wondering about preventing more of them felt EXACTLY like that previous experience of trying to control things, feeling a sort of sense of peace, but that peace just masking the torment. So I am not going to do that.

Well, I could write all night, but it's getting late and Samuel is now stirring awake for a feed. I love that sweet little baby! I have so much to write and so many photos to post! I really will try to get to it soon! I'm just glad to start a catch-up on thoughts and things - important for future reference. Back soon, I hope! :)

Ponderings from my heart on adoption...

I have no idea why I am opening blogger to "think aloud" when it distinctly feels like this is sort of thing in a personal or spiritual journal, or something, instead. I know that blogger saves as you go, and I don't have to post anything that I don't want to, when it comes to it. And I might "think" nothing! I can't sort out my thoughts so perhaps nothing will happen.

My head really hurts tonight. I'm at the end of a bad cold and my sinuses are a bit messed up, and it has been warm today (which I am notoriously really BAD at, and often get headaches once it's over, say, 20 degrees (68F)!! ;) )

I'm just wondering... how I'm going to manage? A pointless musing because I already know that God will enable me. But I wonder about the stuff that is as yet unknown (to me), and how I'll manage that, on top of this?

Today I have had another one of the increasingly frequent pulls to my heart (from God, no mistaking Who it's from) about adoption. These pulls are like labour, now I have stopped to think about it. They have been coming for a while, at first just little twinges - who knew if it meant anything. Then more of the same, making me start to think, "Hmmm..." Then ever increasing pulls, stronger and lasting longer. I can't remember in terms of an actual time scale how long these have been going on, or how long ago the "real deal" pulls started - the ones where I began to KNOW that God means us to adopt a child who needs a mummy and daddy, one day. I did not need to dwell too heavily on WHEN, because it just wasn't urgent yet. These pulls are now coming closer and closer together, and hurt MUCH more when they arrive. There is more urgency to them. They linger longer on my heart and invade my thoughts and that time when I am supposed to have fallen asleep an hour ago when I got into bed. The lastest few that I've had (recent, including today's) have made something in my torso actually ache and throb, and I have been unable to hold back the tears for children who have nobody, who are like my little boys in age but who have NO-body to hold them and love them and comfort them when they are scared or in pain. Some of them are accustomed to it because they don't know any different, but inside they are dying of loneliness because a child needs love and affection (from a parent) like they need air or water, to thrive. My heart is particularly burdened for children who have a disability and live in a country where when they reach the age of 4 (Matthew will be 4 in a few weeks), they are ripped without warning from their orphanage and the children and adults they have known there (though it was no great existance in the first place) and put permanently into an institution. That's the cut-off age. Four. They stay there for the rest of their lives and I don't know if I could actually bear to know the details of what it is actually like to exist in one of those places. Food, nappy changes and contact with anyone are rare things (once in 24 hours I believe). Little ones can be chained to their cots, and are never touched. Forever? I can't fathom. And there are thousands and thousands of these children, heading towards that inevitable 4th birthday milestone.

I used to read that kind of thing and sort of do a "that's so AWFUL!" shudder, and then you know, shake my head and send up a quick prayer for God to "stop letting that happen" or something, and clicky click over to a happier website. As God started to soften my heart over these things, I would still click away fairly soon, trying to put it out of my head as quickly as possible once I'd finished reading about it, because otherwise it started to feel distinctly uncomfortable to my spirit and we can't have that now, can we?

Now, God is not giving me any choice. I don't go looking for stuff, He brings it to my attention. I sometimes hesitate to look because I know it will hurt to do so, but I am drawn to all the same. I read it, and I ache and I cry, because God uses my Mummy-heart to embrace those children and long for their relief, and to hold them and hold them and hold them and hold them and eventually start to feel that broken part inside them begin to mend and come back to life, because they are no longer lost or without somebody to love them. They have a mummy and a daddy, a home and a family, forever and ever, and under the shelter of that love they can begin to grow again and maybe even thrive one day. I want to be that mummy! I cannot BEAR any children to be left in the world feeling so broken and alone while I have my own incredibly blessed children and see them grow up and go to university (if they do!), and get jobs and have families, and sit back with my hubby in our retirement years and sigh a deep sigh of satisfaction when we look at our children, and think that we have now accomplished our goal of raising children. Because NO. I don't think that is God's plan for me. For us - Neil and I. How can our parenting be complete if it doesn't include drawing orphans into our family and calling them our own? Something about the mental image of myself with greying hair enjoying a quiet home and garden just makes me feel a bit nauseous. It's not that the image isn't refreshing, or inviting, but it just feels like it's time that should still be being USED, somehow. I would rather still be raising a bunch of pre-teens and teens who would otherwise be in goodness knows what condition in a very poor country somewhere than reading Gardener's World in my deck chair and feeling somewhat older in my bones. I would rather be exhausted in my older bones due to the effects of still doing something meaningful with children! I'm sure God is able to refresh me if I am working hard for Him! How can we go on our merry way with our own not-too-small brood of biological children and ignore the many many many needy orphans in the world. There are so many that you think, "How can I even make a difference? The problem is too huge!" It may not be a huge difference to the overall numbers and the enormity of the problem, but to one or two (or however many) orphans, the difference will be life-changingly massive (didn't someone say this, or something like it? It seems like a quote I might have heard once?!). I am not implying that everyone should be doing this, or that relaxing in retirement after raising a couple of kids is wrong! I am just looking at ME, and I do not think this is right for me personally - not because I wouldn't choose it, but because I believe God is planning something different for me.

I do wonder HOW though. I have come through "Hmmm..." and the various achy stages, to the point where I am now asking God through tears, "HOW do I reach them, Lord?!" Again, not a question to really even ask, because God is fully in control, and He will lead us to the child(ren) He plans for us. I wonder how on earth we can possibly adopt when we are up to our ears in very young children and babies, another currently being knit in my womb, and no plans to prevent God from having His way in opening or closing my womb in the future. HOW can we do it, Lord? HOW? What about my children's needs? I know my family will think it's so very wrong and terribly unfair to my children. But I know that any child we might adopt in the future is ALREADY pre-destined to be our child NOW. To say, "Look, bringing your child home is going to be so unfair to your other children!" is surely crazy?! They're ALL mine! Would anyone say that about Benjamin, when he was born into my arms?! Nope. He's mine. You'd never say I shouldn't keep THAT one because the others might have a harder time of it - he's already here! In the same way, the child we are meant to adopt is already MINE in my heart, even before I know about him or her! I guess it might be harder on my children? I don't know. I don't even know when God wants us to adopt? Maybe it won't be till our current children are much older? I don't know.

I do know that right now my children NEED me - they'll never stop needing me, but right now those needs are intense. They are all so young and require me in every possible way at all times! :) I wonder HOW I can add more? Even more biological children, but more so an adopted child, I suppose. Because it means travel, and focus, and time, and then I guess major adjustments for all concerned once the child is home. I am very naiive because I actually know next to nothing about it at all. I'm just thinking out loud right now. An adopted child is sure to have issues - how could they not, with what they have been through? Which could be hard on the other children? I don't know. And a child with disabilities or health problems will surely impact the other children in the family? I don't know. But I do know that SURELY the alternative is not worth considering?! - that of leaving it and never snatching that child up and loving them and embracing them as OURS. The alternative future for the child we never bring home is unthinkable, especially for those heading for an institution.

I homeschool. That is to say, I attempt to educate my eldest child at home and, for the most part, completely flop at it. *sigh* I guess it's our first year and so on, and I HAVE been morning sick for 2 months of it, but still. We have had WAY more days of NOT doing school than I am happy with so far this year. I have a lot of plans for school, and I know I CAN do a great job for my boys, but I am not sure how to bridge the gap between the confident plans and the ACTUALITY of it. I am nervous about it, and not too confident in myself, since I am so undisciplined and struggle to improve in that area.

I have no intention of NOT homeschooling, because it's another thing that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to do. I just need to seek God and really really LEAN on Him to help me and enable me to overcome my own set of hurdles and DO the job He intends me to do. But HOW do I homeschool five children and also adopt? I guess I should not think ahead so much. I would not have a clue how I could ever even SLIGHTLY manage to cope with 3 or 4 children, at one point not so long ago, never mind five, plus maybe more, plus homeschooling, plus maybe adoption! And I can perfectly well manage to "cope" with 3 or 4 children. So I have confidence in God, but not so much in myself. Which again is pointless thinking! Because the Bible says I can do all things through Him who gives me strength! ALL THINGS! So if I have no confidence that I can, then I do not believe God's Word. I guess it's RIGHT to have no confidence in myself, because again, the Bible says it's when I am WEAK that I am strong, because of God's strength poured out upon me! So without God, I am nothing. With Him, surely I can be all things to all people, as He works out His will in my life?

I guess I have answered my own ponderings then! HOW will I? I can't. But I will because somehow God will enable me. And I'll wait - I don't know how long, but until those pulls from God move into the "second stage" and begin to give birth to an actual plan.

I feel better for the purge of thoughts! :) A bit less achy and overwhelmed about it, and more comfortable to wait on God over it all.

I have so much else I want to write about other stuff! Things the boys are doing, school (I haven't updated about anything this year!), plans, photos, just endless stuff really. I must try to update again soon!