Rare middle-of-the-day posting! I have no time to post, REALLY no time, because all 3 boys are busy around me, and I never turn on the laptop when they're awake in the day time. I used to, but it didn't seem fair to them, so I stopped.
Today I'm really struggling, and since I'm already being unfair in so many other ways, here I am on the laptop, NOT improving things for them, but instead having a quick vent in my blog, to hopefully "reset" the way I'm feeling by letting out some thoughts. Or something.
I soooo hope this is just pregnancy hormones, but even if it IS, right now I am just so woefully inadequate at this Mummy job that it doesn't matter WHY, even if it's hormonal. I don't believe I should give myself any excuse really. I am so disappointed in myself. I seem to be ANGRY with my children almost all of the time these days, and I can't figure out why, because I surely didn't used to be?! But angry is not good, and it means I am disciplining them in anger because I can't seem to cool off no matter how I try, before doing so. Which means they're disciplined inappropriately, which sucks. And, whereas I never used to shout at them, and then went to occasionally shouting at them, NOW I seem to be continually shouting at them. I really really really strongly disagree with shouting at children!! But here I am doing it. Some days by bedtime my voice hurts. It's awful of me. Also, aside from that, Matthew and Arthur are driving me crazy today. And every day, for a while now! They are more than just excitable and mischievous (which they always have been!) - now they are also wilfully disobedient, aggressive at times, rude, whiney, etc, etc. And don't get me started on Arthur's LYING. I know a ton of people, it seems, who dismiss 4-year-olds lying because it's normal at that age, but I can't stand just letting completely unacceptable behaviour slide because of their age! It feels like I've been disciplining them over the same stuff for EVER and I don't see any changes afoot. I can't figure out whether it's their incessant behaviour over such an extended period of time that's driving me crazy to this point, or whether it's just me being influenced by hormones (where I would otherwise be managing things better?).
Being angry with them, and them behaving horribly for so many straight hours out of each day is starting to make me feel like I don't enjoy them, and that combination (the not enjoying plus the angry) means that I'm even less likely to treat them nicely, which I MUST do! I mean, I'm the grown-up, I'm the Mummy! I need to pull myself together and parent them properly, with LOVE and all the things that spill over from being genuinely loving towards your children. Lately I don't seem to be spilling over much. I am just irritable and expecting the worst from them. I have zero patience and even normal happy play is starting to irritate me. It's scaring me because I feel like I'm slipping into "something" that I can't get out of, or at least the sides are slippery and I can't get my footing, and in any case, I have NO IDEA how to climb out.
I'm starting to pray rather frantically about it, and asking God to help me BE adequate for them during the daytimes, and also for patience, gentleness, self-control, etc. But I am not finding that I am doing any better for trying to lean on God. Which makes me think... am I NOT leaning on God like I think I am? Or AM I leaning on God, but there's something "else" that I'm supposed to do to make it all click and to do better with God's strength pouring into me?
I am not sure how I am supposed to do this! Effectively and lovingly parenting 3 little boys, aged 4, 2 and a half, and 1, that is. Even if I get back to the whole loving and effective thing, still, how do I go beyond that and actually train, teach, discipline, and provide quality time for each child?! I read so many blogs where the mama does this so well, and many with more little children than I have, so I SEE it has to be possible! But at times like this I am thinking I am not the same kind of mama, I don't have what it takes to do that. I know that many of them rely heavily on God for the strength to actually do those things at all, as they can't do them in their own strength, so the same should be able to apply for me - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! But somehow it doesn't seem to be panning out that way. I'm tired of putting it down to pregnancy, because that's a bit lame, and also even if it IS pregnancy affecting things, I mustn't LET it! Nothing must get in the way of me doing what God has called me to and raising these lovely little boys well.
Right now they are all playing pretty sweetly, pushing large toy vehicles around the floor pretending they're going on ferries and trains and all sorts. It took a good 20 minutes of whining and pestering for me to get the message across that they (Arthur) needed to play by themselves for a little while so Mummy could get her thoughts straight about the rest of the day. Lots of interruptions and whining about not being able to DO anything unless I play too, etc. WHY do I find this irritating?! It's part of my wonderful blessing of a job, that's all! Everyone talks (or cries) at me at once and my head wants to just explode. I want to scream and cry too! I think maybe I'm just being childish about things lately. I just wish I could shake it off and do better, but it's been a long-ish stint where I'm being just inadequate and poor at what I'm doing.
Nathan needs a nap soon - his "one" nap at lunchtime went hideously - he didn't go down easily despite being tired enough, and ended up crying his heart out for like 20 minutes (till he kind of made choking sounds so I went in and picked him up fast). I hate doing that with him. I lowered his cot mattress to the lowest setting last weekend (he was climbing out, and it was long overdue) and now it's nearly impossible to lower him all the way to the mattress over my growing bump, and even more so to do the thing we're STILL doing with him (aaargh!) which is patting his little bottom (he sleeps on his tummy) till he's asleep or nearly asleep. Otherwise he stands up and screams for... ohhh, he can keep it up for 1 hour and 20 minutes, I have discovered (to my shame!). If I try to do the patting now, I get instant heartburn and/or some lovely regurgitation! So I don't want to do that any more, leaning down that far. So he cried for ever, and then I nursed him to calm him down and he went out like a light. But only slept for 25 minutes before waking crying again. So he needs another nap today! He's transitioning from 2 naps to one, but at the moment he's had 2 naps a day for at least a week. It all depends on what time he gets up in the morning. If it's before 6.30am he needs two. If it's 7am he can stretch to one, but his normal waking time is anywhere between 6 and 7, totally unpredictable!
Okay, I am starting to ramble onto other things, and I didn't mean to write a long post today. Nathan has toddled over (he's toddling everywhere now!) and is poking his little fingers into the holes in side of the laptop and trying to climb onto the sofa (he's a pro these days - he can climb all the way up the sofa and onto the windowsill behind it, and stand UP at the window banging on the glass!), so I think I will go. I just wanted to let out some of my increasingly pent up feelings about things, about ME, in particular. I really am getting frustrated with myself, and not liking who I seem to be turning into. I want to get back on track, but I feel weirdly like I don't have a connection when I try to pull on myself - nothing happens. Urgh.
They're still sweet little treasures though :) And I enjoy them many times each day, it's just that it's a shame how it's gone from enjoying them almost ALL the time, to short bursts of enjoying them in between long stretches of finding them intensely irritating and annoying. So sad, and I need to DO something to change things, or myself. They still seem to be happy (though Arthur has issues with anger and frustration as he has for a couple of years now), but I don't want it to continue because I fear messing them up.
Well, Nathan is tired and crying, Arthur has just got happy with a game after whining for the last 5 minutes straight (I fixed a ribbon for him so that it would tie things together in his game and he's happy now), and Matthew is balling up each playsilk and then stroking each one like it's a little pet, saying, "Aw, this one's so fweet!" :) I love that he says "fweet" for "sweet". Arthur used to say "fnowman", so it's similar. Although Matthew doesn't say "fnowman", he just misses off the 's' and says, "nowman" :) Talking of fnow, or "noes" as Matthew seems to call it (!), we had a ton of it (for London, anyway!) a few days ago. It's thawing fast today but we had 2 days of great snow play for the boys. I have photos, so I'll post them soon!
Sorry for being down. I feel like I'm struggling to do my "job" at the moment ALL the time, and it's starting to get me down about myself a little. I don't need sympathy though, I think. I just need to pull myself together! I'm annoyed at myself about it! I will try to carve out more time to spend with God. I think that is definitely the answer, and things will improve from that alone. Also, Neil and I need to re-initiate the prayer times we used to have every evening. He is overwhelmed at work at the moment with way more than he can possibly do (small team to start with and somebody went on maternity leave for a year in December). He has been working in the evenings from home most evenings lately, and weekends, up to midnight or so. On the snow days he worked from home during the day too, as the road was just an ice-rink, quite apart from the 10 inches of snow we had, and we don't have gritting machines round the residential roads.
Anyway if we're praying together I know things will go better, I just know it. So if we ever have time together (!) then that will help a lot! Okay, I need to go and put Nathan down for his nap and hand out snacks! :) Back soon.
Saving My Life This Winter
4 years ago
8 comments:
Alice, this is something I write about very often in my blog, because we ALL struggle with this as mothers. I'm going to post something I wrote a while back, because it is exactly what I would say to you right now if we picked up a phone. Love you, girl. Don't be discouraged.
:To you, my friend, who is also a mom,
You are going to make it. I know it's hard, and overwhelming. I know there are days when it's everything you can do not to cringe when you hear "mo-om" yelled from across the house. I know there are days when you think you can't possibly change another dirty diaper, cut the crust off a sandwich, or wipe a runny nose, but YOU CAN.
You can, because you do. There's nobody else around, after all, and it's got to be done. You will find the reserves, you'll find the ability, because that's who you are and what you do. Not very comforting, is it? But God has not given you a job that you cannot fulfill, if you depend on Him. I know it's a lot- He knows it's a lot- but He promised. You can provide exactly what every little soul in your home needs for the day. Their physical needs, their spiritual ones- all the hugs and kisses and chocolate chip cookies to bake and books to be read-- it's all something you can do. He promises us that He won't give us more than we can bear- and yes, motherhood is at times, something to bear. It yields many rewards, and it's a wonderful blessing, but there's no denying, it's work. Sometimes that load is heavy, and that's okay. It's okay to struggle beneath it, to feel like there are days when you're just trying to soldier through the pain of it-- as long as you keep on, keep going, hold it together one more day, sunrise to sunset...
Sometimes survival is success.
But sometimes... those days, the hardest ones, are the days that God is giving you opportunities. Opportunities to work on that patience you've been praying for. Days to be compassionate, and forgiving-- days when He gives you moments to trust Him, to work out those verses on servanthood you've been reading in your Bible. He's giving you time to be more like Jesus, kind and longsuffering.
Take those opportunities.
Bite your tongue.
Soften your heart.
Gentle your hands.
Open your ears, and eyes.
Remember that God has given you this day, and the tools for it, and we should be glad and rejoice in it.
I pray for you, my friend, that what is a struggle today will be a joy tomorrow. I am proud of you, and I know that your children will rise up and call you blessed for this day's work. Be strong and encouraged, you are up to the task! You can do this, and do it well, and be better for it.
The work, well, it's temporary. The dirty diapers go away. The tying of shoelaces, the endless laundry, the forty-thousandth spilled cup... it's all a finite moment. But, the reward is eternal. Your labor will be seen for all eternity in the hearts of your children, in their obedience to Christ, in their joyful thanksgiving. You will share with them the inheritance of Jesus, infinitely. What greater reward is there for a mother than to see her children sanctified and joined with Christ in heaven?
Don't give up now. Let us run with patience the race that is set before us... for the finish line is bright, and nearer than we know. Angels and saints cheer us forward, and Jesus waits to welcome us home."
Love, Shannon
I've been there - days/spells like that are really tough. Although I know you're really committed to home-schooling, I think you have got more on your plate because of that - I'm not saying you shouldn't as that's entirely up to you, just that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself when you have such a lot on. Mine were definitely all worst in the year before they started school (I remember thinking it was much harder then than the alleged 'terrible twos'. Once things have calmed down and you've time to do the structured home-schooling, I'm sure that will help - I thnk 4-year-olds are just really ready for a lot of intellectual stimulation, trips out, and play with kids the same age. Sarah
Shame Alice, sounds hard work. Terribly busy planning a move to a new city, so haven't been comenting much, but still thinking of you. Have to agree with Sarah on the four year old thing... Jamie is loving his school, but of course, here in SA they don't push them into formal school at age four! There is a still a belief that kids need to play to learn, which I like very much. That said, I live in dread of the three weeks we'll be WITHOUT pre-school when we move!!!
Hmmmmm....did you steal this post from my journal????
Hey, Mummy, take a deep breath and don't be too hard on yourself. We have ALL been there. About halfway through my pregnancy I sat my husband and kids down and just repented to them for my anger, yelling and generally being stressed and taking it out on them. Of course they were very graciuos and forgiving.
Take some time out for yourself each day to rest, gather your thoughts, take a walk alone or whatever it is that helps you feel like you again.
Praying for a better day tomorrow for you!
Hi Alice, I'm no expert but I would say don't compare yourself to other mums you read about online, very few people are as open and honest as you in their blogs, and im sure there isn't a mum on the planet who hasn't struggled at some point.
I;ve had a thought before when reading your diary about Arthurs frustration/anger etc before, but i didn't want to post just incase you took it the wrong way as i think your an amazing mum! I get the impression you think if the boys are away from you and neil then thats you failing as a mum. How ever i was wondering if arthur having a hobby might make him feel more independent and more of an individual. I am 100% for stay at home mums (mine was) although i went to play school in the morning and did ballet. i loved going to ballet then coming home and telling my mum all about it. I wondered if arthur might benefit from going to a lesson/hobby/group even if its just half an hour. i know getting him there would be a problem in itself, but its just a thought i had.
try not to be too hard on yourself, bringing up 3 small boys as well as being pregnant is no easy feet!
Hi, me again! Just wanted to say I think that Post Pals' idea about a hobby group is really good. Of course, many children Arthur's age will already be out of the house for 5 half days (I recall that's what the government pays for, through its voucher scheme for those aged 3+), and I think having their own scene in whatever form you feel comfortable with is great, plus makes them feel grown up and so more responsible for setting good example to younger monkeys!
I know you don't like the idea of playschool, but it can be invaluable for the child going, the younger children at home, and the mum. Maybe worth considering (as I think homeschooled children would have regular eevents where they get together with others in some form?)? Sarah
I have to agree with the comments regarding a hobby for Arthur. I think it would be invaluable in his home education and completely compatible.
As you know, I am pro-formal schooling, but I also believe that learning doesn't just take place in the classroom, but everywhere, which is how my parents taught me. I fully intend to take Jamie to some classes from about the age of 3 or 4 (probably some kind of sport based on his personality). We have already done baby signing classes (which I enjoyed so much I am now a teacher!) and we hope to start swimming lessons once we move. I know some of these suggestions might not be compatible with the other little ones, but if you ask your local NCT, perhaps on their e-group, or look at your local Netmums.co.uk site then there should be full listings of what's on, including weekend groups and classes, where perhaps you would be able to take Arthur and stay with him, giving the two of you some quslity time, whilst Neil looks after the little ones. I think that if it is you spending quality time with Arthur it will also help both of you - not because you're not always there, but because you are Mum you usually take care of the 'needs' whilst Neil may do more fun stuff like outings. By you doing some 1-on-1 fun stuff with Arthur it may help him to see that Mummy is available to him for special time when she isn't having to go and look after brothers, which may be part of the anger issues.
Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn or over-analysing. I really don't intend to upset you in any way because I think you're a great Mum and I really look up to you, but I know for my own sanity and Jamie's we appreciate outings together, and as a family.
Shelley xxx
Hello Alice. You are only human so please don't be so hard on yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think you are a wonderful mother. I can see that through your children's eyes.
Do you have any local play groups you can visit once in a while with your lovely boys? I know how hectic it is trying to get 3 young one's out and about but it may help the boys AND you (talking with other adults can be such blessing).
I know your little men depend on you but sometimes you need a little break for yourself to pull your thoughts together. Time to speak with God. A nice bubble bath and a good book. Anything for YOU. Because us mom's need time for us.
God Bless you, Sweetie. I'm here anytime you need to talk.
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