I have no idea why I am opening blogger to "think aloud" when it distinctly feels like this is sort of thing in a personal or spiritual journal, or something, instead. I know that blogger saves as you go, and I don't have to post anything that I don't want to, when it comes to it. And I might "think" nothing! I can't sort out my thoughts so perhaps nothing will happen.
My head really hurts tonight. I'm at the end of a bad cold and my sinuses are a bit messed up, and it has been warm today (which I am notoriously really BAD at, and often get headaches once it's over, say, 20 degrees (68F)!! ;) )
I'm just wondering... how I'm going to manage? A pointless musing because I already know that God will enable me. But I wonder about the stuff that is as yet unknown (to me), and how I'll manage that, on top of this?
Today I have had another one of the increasingly frequent pulls to my heart (from God, no mistaking Who it's from) about adoption. These pulls are like labour, now I have stopped to think about it. They have been coming for a while, at first just little twinges - who knew if it meant anything. Then more of the same, making me start to think, "Hmmm..." Then ever increasing pulls, stronger and lasting longer. I can't remember in terms of an actual time scale how long these have been going on, or how long ago the "real deal" pulls started - the ones where I began to KNOW that God means us to adopt a child who needs a mummy and daddy, one day. I did not need to dwell too heavily on WHEN, because it just wasn't urgent yet. These pulls are now coming closer and closer together, and hurt MUCH more when they arrive. There is more urgency to them. They linger longer on my heart and invade my thoughts and that time when I am supposed to have fallen asleep an hour ago when I got into bed. The lastest few that I've had (recent, including today's) have made something in my torso actually ache and throb, and I have been unable to hold back the tears for children who have nobody, who are like my little boys in age but who have NO-body to hold them and love them and comfort them when they are scared or in pain. Some of them are accustomed to it because they don't know any different, but inside they are dying of loneliness because a child needs love and affection (from a parent) like they need air or water, to thrive. My heart is particularly burdened for children who have a disability and live in a country where when they reach the age of 4 (Matthew will be 4 in a few weeks), they are ripped without warning from their orphanage and the children and adults they have known there (though it was no great existance in the first place) and put permanently into an institution. That's the cut-off age. Four. They stay there for the rest of their lives and I don't know if I could actually bear to know the details of what it is actually like to exist in one of those places. Food, nappy changes and contact with anyone are rare things (once in 24 hours I believe). Little ones can be chained to their cots, and are never touched. Forever? I can't fathom. And there are thousands and thousands of these children, heading towards that inevitable 4th birthday milestone.
I used to read that kind of thing and sort of do a "that's so AWFUL!" shudder, and then you know, shake my head and send up a quick prayer for God to "stop letting that happen" or something, and clicky click over to a happier website. As God started to soften my heart over these things, I would still click away fairly soon, trying to put it out of my head as quickly as possible once I'd finished reading about it, because otherwise it started to feel distinctly uncomfortable to my spirit and we can't have that now, can we?
Now, God is not giving me any choice. I don't go looking for stuff, He brings it to my attention. I sometimes hesitate to look because I know it will hurt to do so, but I am drawn to all the same. I read it, and I ache and I cry, because God uses my Mummy-heart to embrace those children and long for their relief, and to hold them and hold them and hold them and hold them and eventually start to feel that broken part inside them begin to mend and come back to life, because they are no longer lost or without somebody to love them. They have a mummy and a daddy, a home and a family, forever and ever, and under the shelter of that love they can begin to grow again and maybe even thrive one day. I want to be that mummy! I cannot BEAR any children to be left in the world feeling so broken and alone while I have my own incredibly blessed children and see them grow up and go to university (if they do!), and get jobs and have families, and sit back with my hubby in our retirement years and sigh a deep sigh of satisfaction when we look at our children, and think that we have now accomplished our goal of raising children. Because NO. I don't think that is God's plan for me. For us - Neil and I. How can our parenting be complete if it doesn't include drawing orphans into our family and calling them our own? Something about the mental image of myself with greying hair enjoying a quiet home and garden just makes me feel a bit nauseous. It's not that the image isn't refreshing, or inviting, but it just feels like it's time that should still be being USED, somehow. I would rather still be raising a bunch of pre-teens and teens who would otherwise be in goodness knows what condition in a very poor country somewhere than reading Gardener's World in my deck chair and feeling somewhat older in my bones. I would rather be exhausted in my older bones due to the effects of still doing something meaningful with children! I'm sure God is able to refresh me if I am working hard for Him! How can we go on our merry way with our own not-too-small brood of biological children and ignore the many many many needy orphans in the world. There are so many that you think, "How can I even make a difference? The problem is too huge!" It may not be a huge difference to the overall numbers and the enormity of the problem, but to one or two (or however many) orphans, the difference will be life-changingly massive (didn't someone say this, or something like it? It seems like a quote I might have heard once?!). I am not implying that everyone should be doing this, or that relaxing in retirement after raising a couple of kids is wrong! I am just looking at ME, and I do not think this is right for me personally - not because I wouldn't choose it, but because I believe God is planning something different for me.
I do wonder HOW though. I have come through "Hmmm..." and the various achy stages, to the point where I am now asking God through tears, "HOW do I reach them, Lord?!" Again, not a question to really even ask, because God is fully in control, and He will lead us to the child(ren) He plans for us. I wonder how on earth we can possibly adopt when we are up to our ears in very young children and babies, another currently being knit in my womb, and no plans to prevent God from having His way in opening or closing my womb in the future. HOW can we do it, Lord? HOW? What about my children's needs? I know my family will think it's so very wrong and terribly unfair to my children. But I know that any child we might adopt in the future is ALREADY pre-destined to be our child NOW. To say, "Look, bringing your child home is going to be so unfair to your other children!" is surely crazy?! They're ALL mine! Would anyone say that about Benjamin, when he was born into my arms?! Nope. He's mine. You'd never say I shouldn't keep THAT one because the others might have a harder time of it - he's already here! In the same way, the child we are meant to adopt is already MINE in my heart, even before I know about him or her! I guess it might be harder on my children? I don't know. I don't even know when God wants us to adopt? Maybe it won't be till our current children are much older? I don't know.
I do know that right now my children NEED me - they'll never stop needing me, but right now those needs are intense. They are all so young and require me in every possible way at all times! :) I wonder HOW I can add more? Even more biological children, but more so an adopted child, I suppose. Because it means travel, and focus, and time, and then I guess major adjustments for all concerned once the child is home. I am very naiive because I actually know next to nothing about it at all. I'm just thinking out loud right now. An adopted child is sure to have issues - how could they not, with what they have been through? Which could be hard on the other children? I don't know. And a child with disabilities or health problems will surely impact the other children in the family? I don't know. But I do know that SURELY the alternative is not worth considering?! - that of leaving it and never snatching that child up and loving them and embracing them as OURS. The alternative future for the child we never bring home is unthinkable, especially for those heading for an institution.
I homeschool. That is to say, I attempt to educate my eldest child at home and, for the most part, completely flop at it. *sigh* I guess it's our first year and so on, and I HAVE been morning sick for 2 months of it, but still. We have had WAY more days of NOT doing school than I am happy with so far this year. I have a lot of plans for school, and I know I CAN do a great job for my boys, but I am not sure how to bridge the gap between the confident plans and the ACTUALITY of it. I am nervous about it, and not too confident in myself, since I am so undisciplined and struggle to improve in that area.
I have no intention of NOT homeschooling, because it's another thing that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to do. I just need to seek God and really really LEAN on Him to help me and enable me to overcome my own set of hurdles and DO the job He intends me to do. But HOW do I homeschool five children and also adopt? I guess I should not think ahead so much. I would not have a clue how I could ever even SLIGHTLY manage to cope with 3 or 4 children, at one point not so long ago, never mind five, plus maybe more, plus homeschooling, plus maybe adoption! And I can perfectly well manage to "cope" with 3 or 4 children. So I have confidence in God, but not so much in myself. Which again is pointless thinking! Because the Bible says I can do all things through Him who gives me strength! ALL THINGS! So if I have no confidence that I can, then I do not believe God's Word. I guess it's RIGHT to have no confidence in myself, because again, the Bible says it's when I am WEAK that I am strong, because of God's strength poured out upon me! So without God, I am nothing. With Him, surely I can be all things to all people, as He works out His will in my life?
I guess I have answered my own ponderings then! HOW will I? I can't. But I will because somehow God will enable me. And I'll wait - I don't know how long, but until those pulls from God move into the "second stage" and begin to give birth to an actual plan.
I feel better for the purge of thoughts! :) A bit less achy and overwhelmed about it, and more comfortable to wait on God over it all.
I have so much else I want to write about other stuff! Things the boys are doing, school (I haven't updated about anything this year!), plans, photos, just endless stuff really. I must try to update again soon!
