I didn't update last Monday! The last 2 weeks of Bible readings have been more of a challenge, and I haven't even dropped in ONCE to any of the online communities taking part in this 90-day challenge for accountability and support. Which, I can now definitely say, makes a big difference! I didn't intend not to, I just got busy and distracted, and didn't quite meet my quota here and there, and just got complacent thinking I would "just catch up" another day (bad thought pattern!!). So I have been more lazy than before, over the last two weeks. I have found myself up to 3 days behind and then worked over the next couple of days to catch up, and managed! And then relaxed a little the very next day (d'oh!) and thus fell a little behind again, and so on. It has been a fortnight of falling behind and catching up continually, never staying on an even keel. I am not being as disciplined as I was with the evenings, giving the first part of the evening to reading until I had completed my Bible reading for the day before switching on the laptop. Actually I've been REALLY slack on that, totally. And it has borne fruit - getting behind and losing focus, and everything else has sort of become a bit chaotic and disorganised in my life as well, strangely enough.
I hate being lazy!!! It's such a weakness of mine! It just feels like such hard work to push against it, especially when I get a wave of the lazies. I get distracted easily and with the pace of the reading in this challenge, just a day or two of being lazy can put a HUGE gap between where I am and where I should be in the reading!
About a week ago I found a distraction, unexpectedly. I found a sunrise/sunset map of the world, which is continually updated in real time, showing where the sun is rising and setting on the world at any given moment. I just thought that was amazing! I was reading Psalms and dwelling on the awesomeness of God's creation, and how wonderful His works are, and that just topped it right off to see that at a glance. I would pop over to that site for a few moments at random times of the day, and before bed, just to see where in the world the sun was rising on a new day RIGHT at that moment. Then I hit on the idea of googling live web cams! What an incredible resource is available to us in this day and age!
But within a few days, I could tell that this fun and awe-inspiring activity actually had the potential to become quite addictive! I quickly bookmarked various web cams that worked well with good views, and enjoyed "chasing" the sun rise for about 6 hours straight through from early evening to very late at night! Every evening I would take Benjamin to bed at 7pm or so, and be able to do this amazing thing! I would breastfeed him, put him in his little Amby hammock and start to rock it with one hand, and with the other I would flip open my laptop, give a quick glance to the sunrise/sunset chart to confirm my suspicions that the sun was about to rise on the east coast of Australia, and pop up my Sydney web cam! ;) I would sit rocking my baby in cold and rainy England, and watch - LIVE! - the sky turn silver, then pink, then gold, in Sydney where it's summer still, and then actually have the privilege of seeing the sun burst up from the sea in beautiful colours. It boggled my mind to know that was actually happening as I sat there! Then I hopped right on over to Melbourne and waited for the sun to reach there. As soon as it rose there, I hopped to Adelaide and watched the pink and orange sky till the sun rose there too. In the evening I like seeing the sun rise in a fishing village in the Philippines. Amazing to be able to see it!
I started to watch the sun SET somewhere just after watching it rise somewhere else. Rio de Janiero and various east coast US web cams served this purpose, while England sat in the middle of it's "night". It was just AMAZING to behold. I became interested in learning about countries I was watching, while I waited for the sun to rise there, and just reeled at the ability to just clickety click and zoom in on a satellite photograph from orbit to hut-level in Bangladesh, for example. Amazing. I learned about cities and languages, and time-zones. It was amazing, but VERY distracting, and almost "too much" to know, you know? To have access to that kind of knowledge felt a bit strange, like it was too lofty.
The last couple of days I did that stuff, I felt increasingly strange with it. I really wish I could describe the exact feeling, but there just are not words to translate it. Suffice to say that I am very familiar with it from even back in my teens and older childhood, and I have come to understand it as the way it feels to begin to wander from God in some way, in my deepest core. It wasn't particularly noticable in any other way, outwardly, or even inwardly in my usual thoughts towards God and so on. Not just to wander off, but to take steps INTO something else, that pulls me away from God. There's a certain feeling, and it gives me a strange melancholy pull that I never feel in any other circumstance, which comes alongside feeling unhappy with some (or many) aspects of my own life, and a certain feeling of escapism. This is my whole past, before I became a Christian. It resurfaces when I take actual steps towards some activity or thought pattern that is in the opposite direction to God's path. When I pursue something sinful, knowing I am pursuing something sinful. Or when I revisit thoughts and memories of past times which I know God has called me OUT of. Things like that. I am beginning to recognise it more and more with each occurrance, and it doesn't happen much any more. But anyway, that was the feeling.
So with the ability to recognise it more quickly each time it happens, and also my increasing understanding of who God is and who *I* am in Him, this time I acted very quickly to put a stop to it. Often I am reluctant, because usually it's something "fun" or "nice" and although I know I should stop, I don't really want to. I usually don't have my eyes on God by the time I really recognise what's going on, and that makes reluctance more easy to come by as well. This time my eyes are still on God, I recognise that feeling, and I do not want to step outside His will for me. At all. So I stopped visiting the sunrise/sunset chart and the webcams. I feel better :) I would LOVE to watch the sun rise in Sydney when I'm tired and it's dark and rainy outside and I'm not doing much whilst rocking my little sweetie in a darkened bedroom - HOW I would love to! But I am choosing not to for now. I think it's an amazing thing to be able to see online and will probably choose to use it as part of school at some point with the boys - what a springboard for endless enthusiastic geography lessons, all of which can easily embrace and acknowledge God's handiwork! But not for me, for now.
Now I am working on catching up on my reading, and giving the first of my evening time to it before switching the internet on too. I still read when I can during the day while I am rocking Benjamin, and if he's taking a while to settle then I can get quite a bit read. I was three days behind yesterday, in Isaiah. Isaiah is 66 chapters long so it's quite a few days of reading in the 90-day challenge. I'm supposed to finish today at Isaiah 61 (and tomorrow head into Jeremiah) but I have read from Isaiah 16 to 40 today. In Isaiah it's about 12 chapters a day, so I am happy to have read a couple of days worth today. I don't want to be left behind in Isaiah when I am supposed to be in Jeremiah though, so I am eager to catch right up and then MAINTAIN it this time! :)
I found Psalms and Proverbs quite hard going, when I had eagerly looked forward to them as potentially easy reading. They were lots of little bits and pieces, and I could only take in so many bits and pieces before I had to take a break, and it was hard to get enough sessions (and breaks!) in during one day. I initially got behind in Psalms (by a few days, eventually) and was still in Proverbs while the rest of those on the challenge had already read Ecclesiastes and Song of Songs! I found those two books much easier to read, so whizzed through them to catch up. I love Song of Songs! It's so beautifully sensual and romantic! :)
Isaiah has so far been quite hard to read, because so far it has been all the prophecies against various nations, and 35 or so chapters of that in a row is quite hard! I'm excited about the rest of it though, because I know it is full of encouragement and blessing from here on.
So that is my update! Long-winded, but explanations were necessary! It was my birthday yesterday (I'm 34!) and so I didn't read as much as I would have, because I was sleeping in (lovely husband!) and on the phone to my family, etc, during times where I might otherwise have picked up my Bible to do some reading. So I'm glad to get caught up today. And I had a lovely birthday! Low-key and relaxing. I had no presents at all until Neil felt bad for not having organised himself (I baked my own birthday cake (and decorated it PINK - oh joy! Hehe!) and we ate a frozen meal that I had previously cooked!) and took the boys out late afternoon, returning with chocolates and other yummies, and some sweet figurines that I have had my eye on (more on these another time). He also made cards with the boys while I lay in during the morning. But even when I got up and had essentially no cards or presents, no special meal or plans, I did not feel unhappy or bitter about it at all. HOW I have changed since just a few years ago! When I see the changes in the way I feel over various things, I feel so surprised, because it's a really REALLY big change for me. It is 100% God's work in me, especially the last year or two, while I have been praying for this kind of change in my heart and attitudes. I am learning to be content and to give more of myself than I used to, especially regarding my husband and children. I am waaaaaaaaaaaay from "arriving" but am very encouraged at the changes I am already seeing. I would have been whining and miserable 3 or 4 birthdays ago if Neil had not done a thing for my birthday! ;)
This time I am just thinking how blessed I am to have four precious children. That is it! SUCH blessing has been bestowed on me that I pretty much don't feel a need for anything else, and if I start to think otherwise then just stopping and thinking of how God has blessed me with four little ones (so far!) fixes that instantly. Also, I lay in on my birthday (a Sunday) and it seemed kind of normal to me, not - Wow! What a TREAT! My hubby let me lie-in today, especially for my birthday!!! No, it's normal because my husband blesses me with that kind of generosity EVERY SINGLE weekend. So I'm not lacking in special treatment! :) Also, knowing I would receive some money from my parents, and having reached a point in my photography book where I'm starting to learn more about aperture and light, I decided I wanted to spend that money on a (second-hand! They're so expensive!) new camera lens. I won one at eBay (50mm 1.7 if anyone is interested!) a week before my birthday and it arrived during the week, so I had that WONDERFUL birthday present already! I admit I have also been somewhat distracted by taking endless reams of photographs since then, hehe!
I will finish this long entry now, but this is my favourite photo that I have taken with my new lens since it arrived. I'll post more of this kind of thing soon in my photography blog but I wanted to share one here that shows the difference this lovely lens makes to my photographs! :) This photo is straight out of the camera (unedited):
Nathan, aged 2 years and 1 month! :)

Sweet little boy! I will update again soon! :)



























