A Memory Treasure

Yes, it's 1.55am.

And I just HAD to post to record a memory so that it's never lost.

Oh how THANKFUL I am at 1.40am in a dark room, to be swaying and bouncing gently with my arms FULL of baby. Not a tiny baby any more, but a big gorgeous chubsome almost-8-month-old baby boy. Full. And extra squidgy in his baby sleeping bag. Thankful for the weight on my arms and the ache in my shoulders, his dear little head slumped heavily onto my shoulder. I was waiting for that burp, the one that was surely lurking down there after such a big luxurious feed, but he was so unconscious that nothing came. As I turned to walk to his little hammock to put him down, he gave a big sigh and lifted his head off my shoulder. Still fast asleep, he stopped with his head fully upright and his cheek plonked sideways, right onto mine.

So, I didn't put him down. In fact I could have held him like that all. night. long. Even if I had have ended up palpitating with exhaustion and with trembly limbs.

I stood there with that warm, soft little cheek pressed up against mine, his sweet fast baby breathing, all sleepy and rhythmic an inch from my ear. I stood as though I didn't know what to do next, or what on earth to do with myself. I just stood frozen. I felt overwhelmed with something and didn't know how to express it, and I also didn't want to disturb the moment with any movement. I stood and closed my eyes and focused on the squidgy heaviness of his little body in my arms. The pull of his weight on my shoulders. The soft warmth of his cheek against mine. The sound of his breath in my ear. And suddenly I was whispering out loud (it being 1.40am), apparently to God, "Oh thank you! Oh thank you! Oh THANK YOU! Oh thank you!" and I couldn't stop saying those words over and over and over, because it was all I could feel and more than I could contain. I had no other words, because I could only see those ones, and they eclipsed everything else in my head. The only thing that stopped me saying the words over and over was the point where my heart swelled up until it blocked my throat with an enormous lump and I couldn't say anything more.

And I put him down then. I watched him sleeping for a moment and then I came away, wanting to record what I had seen and felt, completely bewildered as to how I could come to be as blessed as this. I remembered the verse in 1 Samuel where David says to Saul, "Who am I, and what is my family or my father's clan in Israel, that I should become the king's son-in-law?" (1 Samuel 18:18), and just kept saying to God, "Who am I, and what is my family that you have chosen to bless me this generously?!" because I felt in such awe of God's blessings to me in my children. Who am I that God should bless me to be the mother of FOUR SONS?! I literally stand with gaping mouth, not knowing what to say or do as I think of it. I am understanding deeper and deeper as God works on my heart about this, what this verse really means:

"Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man {or woman!} whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate." (Psalm 127:3-5)

"Thank" and "You" are two such small words. But right now they just sum it up perfectly.

Thank you Lord.