Saturday, 18 April 2009

Photos at last! :)

Soooo, a photo entry! Long overdue, so some of these are a couple of months old. I am not sure how many I'll post, but I'll just keep going for a while. I'll probably also write some newsy stuff too here with the photos, so a good old-fashioned "diary entry" for me then, after such a long time without those! :) I am happy at the prospect! After that I need to finish the Tesco order online that has to be done before bed (being delivered tomorrow between 10 and 12! How I love getting my food shopping delivered to my door!), and then I'm hitting the hay. Arthur's cold is horrid tonight and he's a bit miserable and wakeful this evening.

Today I'm really tired, but doing fine! Things with the boys are still difficult but I'm handling things easier, and starting to react differently to them (as in, compared with the way I WAS reacting to them in anger). I still lose my temper with them sometimes because they drive me CRAZY right now with the way they are behaving! But I have been feeling better about it. I started praying every morning before I get out of bed. It just happened spontaneously one morning and was JUST what I needed - I was able to refer back to it and keep praying over it throughout the day and things went a LOT better, so I purposely started doing it every morning. That first morning when I woke, I just felt such a sweet peace in my spirit somehow (thank you for the prayers that I know some of you must have been lifting up to God! It is certainly not natural for me to wake up like that!) and started to sing a worship song I haven't heard or sung for a long time (I googled and the lyrics are by Sandra Corbett-Wood):

"I worship you, Almighty God
There is none like you
I worship you, O Prince of Peace
That is what I want to do
I give you praise, for you are my righteousness
I worship you, Almighty God
There is none like you"

And then I just started praying that God would clothe me in his righteousness today and bless me with PEACE - peace in myself, and peace towards my children no matter what they threw at me that day. I prayed that God would not let me shrug off that "clothing" like I might a layer that's getting too warm, or I'm unaccustomed to feeling it about my shoulders so I shrug it off without realising I'm doing it. And just that simple prayer and worshipping God made SUCH a difference to me! I felt it in my spirit from the moment I got up out of bed, and was able to remember it in the heat of the moment at various times throughout the day.

I'm a bit nervous as to how to proceed with the boys so that I don't cause MORE inconsistency due to any sort of change in the way I handle them! I totally get that, which some of you (Megan, for one) mentioned in response to my post a week ago. Right now, we have (following advice from MOMYS and some here) stopped using any sort of physical discipline with the boys, as much as we can (as in, we're not very good at it and occasionally smack before we remember we're not doing that any more), and are going for time-outs that have no time limit. Instead of the corner, they are currently having time-outs in a restricted space (they can't get out of it, unlike the corner or the "naughty step" approach) because then it removes them from the scene so that I can calm down without them further winding me up and playing off each other, and it enables me to fully seperate Arthur and Matthew (again so that they don't play off each other and just spend ages in what is supposed to be a "discipline" situation yelling and being as rude and disrespectful as they possibly can, and encouraging each other to out-do the other one, urgh! That used to make it really hard for me to keep my cool. So it's a solution for ME, to practise on the not getting angry (or dealing with my anger) situation, and it works for them. No yelling from me is necessary, and no smacking either. Arthur's time-out zone is the porch with the door locked. He comes out as and when he's ready and willing to obey/listen/apologise, which is totally up to him from that point on, and sometimes he takes a short time, and other times he's in there for 30 minutes or more before he's willing and not being rude to me any more through the door! Matthew's time-out zone is strapped into his booster seat in the kitchen, in the middle of the floor so he can't reach anything and break it! He HATES this and soon relents and listens to me - often they won't actually listen to me as I'm trying to explain why they need to be disciplined, so it helps me to be able to put them somewhere out of the way until they're ready to listen, then talk to them calmly when they're ready, and then they have the consequence of whatever they did - time-out where they are (on top of the time they took to decide to listen to me in the first place!).

Anyway, so that is helping LOADS. I also remembered someone's advice (could have been at MOMYS, I can't remember where!) about the fact that some children will endure almost any sort of unpleasant consequence just to get a reaction out of you. This immediately made me think of Arthur in particular - that's just exactly how he is. So, I know I have to stop the reactions. I have tried before and not succeeded consistently because sometimes I just can't seem to cope with how angry he makes me, and I lose it, even after a while of managing to keep a lid on it! He is extremely persistant, and 30 minutes of continuous rudeness, noise and physically pestering me for a response eventually gets the better of me. That's why it's so helpful to put him AWAY from me with a DOOR between us that he can't get out of right now! Anyway I have been getting angry a fair bit these last few days, and once or twice smacked him too hard. Both times I instantly cooled it the SECOND it happened, and asked his forgiveness. I told him I didn't like that I did that, that God didn't like that I did that, and I needed to ask God's forgiveness too. Then I straight away prayed right there with him, confessing that I'd smacked Arthur in anger and I was sorry, asking God to forgive me. I asked God to help me not to get angry with Arthur and to discipline him well. It felt GREAT to do that actually with Arthur (thanks Michawn for the suggestion!), which I have done in the past but for some reason not done so for a while now. Anyway it was good to do that, and it held me accountable too. The second time I had to stop and pray with him like that, he commented that God wasn't doing a very good job helping me! :S I told him that it was just that *I* wasn't doing a great job of letting God help me, but I was going to keep trying and asking for God's help.

I also had an amazing moment one time where I stood in the porch with Arthur just waiting his behaviour out. I wanted to tell him without raising my voice why I put him in the porch, before leaving him there for a bit, but he was yelling in my face and kicking at my legs and horrible stuff like that. I reminded him that I had prayed that God would help me not get angry, and told him I was not about to, that I would just WAIT for him to be ready to listen however long it took. Then I assumed my most neutral-calm face and looked at the walls, the door, anywhere but at him. He lay on the floor and thrashed about and so on, and after a while pulled up on me yelling and waving his hands in my face. Then I would say, "Are you ready?" and when he didn't do anything different, I said, "Oh, you'd better sit back down then till you're ready" and just firmly sat him down again. He stood up 3 times like that in a row, and then started kicking harder at my legs, so I figured I should leave. I told him, "Oh dear, you're really not ready to listen to me. I'll go out and you can call me when you're ready to listen and have your consequence." Right away he said he was ready to listen, but cut me off mid-sentence with more rude yelling and stuff, so I left. I was AMAZED at how totally and utterly calm I felt, not an OUNCE of irritation at all! It's sooooooooooooo not in me to do that, at ALL, so I know it was absolutely given to me by God, to be able to do it. If I ever get anywhere remotely near to that kind of state in that kind of situation (which is still a long way from how I felt this time!), it's extreme mind-over-matter effort on my part. But this felt effortless, and like I was surrounded by air that was extra rich in oxygen or something (I know that sounds weird), or I suppose, extra rich in PEACE. Which is what I prayed for. So I am encouraged and will keep praying! :)

So, that's where we are with that, right now. It's going better. They are not behaving any better, but it's GOING better.

Okay, some photos! Here are two of Arthur and Matthew a couple of months ago, having a free-painting session with added glitter and pasta! ;) They love this kind of thing, as you can see!





I have a million squillion photos of baby Nathey-noo! I guess he's easier to photograph than the other two lately, and soooooooooo appealing all the time! I sometimes feel like I shouldn't still be calling him "baby", but I DO! He's still my "baby lamb" and he's only 15 months so really he is still a baby. I totally don't see him as anything else, but the only thing that sometimes makes me feel awkward about it is the whole thing whereby I'll be giving birth to another baby in 2 or 3 months! It's feeling very SOON now, and it shouldn't affect whether Nathan is still a baby, but sometimes it makes me wonder if I should still call him one? Anyway, I do. I can't help it! He's still a baby, and I love my lil baby-loo-boo (floo!)! I'm completely and utterly besotted and sopping over that boy! He's so scrummy, and such a delight all the time. He has just recently started throwing some major tantrums that are definitely NOT of the baby variety, much more of the toddler/small boy variety, and he keeps those up for a good while! I ignore them at the moment and just stay available for cuddles should he change his mind and accept them! ;) If he throws himself down on the floor dramatically when Matthew won't let him take the toy he's playing with, Matthew watches him for about 3 seconds, looking concerned, and then says (with a sigh), "Ohhh, alll-wight!" and hands him the toy he wanted! Matthew is such a sweetie! He is easily won over by Nathan and I think I will need to step in more if it starts to be that Nathan gets his way too much and his brothers are a bit soft with him! I love that they're concerned and willing to be generous, and I always try to encourage them in that, but I don't want Nathan to feel he can get their toys by screaming and being dramatic till they give in! Of course he's instantly calm and content with the toy in his hands! ;)

So, photos of Nathan! Starting with more Nathey-in-a-box photos - cardboard boxes are still his favourite place to be! He has a really dog-eared battered one that's lost a side now, and it's just such a favourite toy that we've kept it out! He reminds me of a man in his favourite comfy chair, hehe! He sits himself down in it to eat a snack, or play with a toy that he's decided he really wants to examine carefully for a while :) He's always so happy in a box! Here he is in a less dog-eared box at 13.5 months old:








Arthur took this photo of Nathan and me one morning. I feel like I've posted this before, but I can't find it - maybe it was Facebook? Anyway. No, I had not brushed my hair yet that morning! ;) Nathan was looking for something in my hand, I think. There's good old Tesco's website on the laptop - I must have been finalising an order! :)



Helping with the laundry (he loves to hand me stuff to fold!):



Being a monkey-moo - this was his favourite hysterical game about a month ago (14 months here, almost), to get as cloooose to my face as possible, then put out his tongue and slooowwwwwly get nearer and nearer to my nose! Any closer than where he was in the photo, and he starts to giggle and giggle more and more, all the while still trying to keep his tongue out. If he gets right to my nose he'll try to lick it, and literally fall about belly laughing, because he knows it's mischievous (I make a big thing about it that makes him giggle)! Such a sweetie-bean!



Nathan in Arthur's winter hat! He was giggling and pulling it on and taking it off by himself, then taking himself for little walks around the living room wearing it (the boys were in the garden at the time), and the light was JUST SO for once, so I took a lot of photos, and these are some of my favourites:











Never mind the mess in the background there! :S

Here's my little binky-boo being thrilled to get his hands on the computer keyboard (13 months and 3 weeks old) :)




Isn't he irresistable?!?! I know I'm horribly biased, but still, hehe! ;) Here are the last couple of Nathan, at 14 months old. I haven't uploaded any more recent ones, or else not had chance to take them for some of the past month! I hope I find I've taken more than I think! I can't bear the idea of a whole month in his short little life with no photos of him! There might be a good few in the "The Boys" folder though, of all 3 together :) I'll have to post those another time, as I've already posted so many and it's really getting late now. I still need to finish the Tesco order, aaaargh! This post has actually taken me ages to write - Arthur woke twice and needed Calpol one of those times, and Nathan stirred and was chilly so I put blankets on him. I adore my little boys! Here's my littlest (to date!):




Today we had 3 more viewings for people to see our house - no contact from the estate agent since then so I presume nobody else made an offer. We have a new viewing for Tuesday evening as well, just after Neil gets home from work - a hairy time of day with the boys, but oh well! We have to make a decision about the offer this first guy made. We do not want to accept it and then go back on our word. Neil needs to meet with our mortgage company to find out what we can actually afford to buy if we accept the offer, and thus whether we can accept it as it is. I think we can, but just about, depending on what the mortgage people say.

The boys (all three!) are desperately needing haircuts - Nathan's first one! We go to a children's hairdresser in central London so we always go on Sundays to avoid the congestion charge. Last Sunday was Easter so they were closed, but now Arthur is streaming with cold I don't feel right to take him there to spread his cold about, hmmm. We might have to wait till another weekend, I think, and just have shaggy boys a little longer! ;) I LOVE Nathan's baby hair because he has CURLS!!! Curls, curls, curls, people!!!! Arthur has loose waves which used to curl more than they do now. Matthew has straight hair. It's my Daddy's gene which I have somewhat lazily used, having only a fatigued wave myself, haha! If it's humid or the hairdresser ever blow-dries it with a diffuser or whatever it's called, it naturally curls up into ringlets and halves in length! So the curl is there, I'm just very lazy about using my gene, lol! I adore curls, and Nathan is the curliest baby I have had so far, which I'm thrilled about! His baby hair at the front and sides is soooo fine and fly-away, and very straight. But it's thick low down at the back, and it curls like crazy. I've been so enamoured with it, and excited about the prospect of a curly boy, that I've taken photos since his very first curl appeared at 11 months old! Here's the evidence, in chronological order:

11 months:




12 months:



13 months:



Here's a comparison of Nathan's front and side baby hair at 14 months. It's so fine and barely-there! And straight. You can just about see his curly bit at the nape of his neck. This is one of the photos of him and Matthew spontaneously sitting together "reading" through a pile of books - they're so grown up and serious about it for a 1-year-old and a 2-year-old! ;)



14 months - he had a little row by then which would curl up TIGHT after a bath and couldn't be prised down! It was so sweet - I was taking a photo of Nathan's curls at the back and didn't even see Matthew coming over, so when I snapped I captured Matthew giving Nathey a kiss! Such sweeties! :)




14.5 months, right after a bath and hairwash one evening. His hair had juuust got long enough to give him his first lil ringlet there! I am just totally enamoured with his curls, and fiddle with them way too much, haha! I probably need a daughter or something! ;)




I'm sad to cut them off, and really hope they grow back! But he needs a haircut now - his hair is growing fast suddenly and the fine stuff at the front is starting to get in his eyes.

Okay I MUST post this and go to bed! After the Tesco order :S I'll be back to post again soon, and finish getting caught up on photos!



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House things and other quick stuff :)

Just a quick fly-by (really, I will try!), because it's late and I'm about ready to go to bed. I just wanted to quickly post to make note of a few things:

* We had our first viewer today to see our house! He made an offer!!!!! I'm soooo surprised, because I had a very firm mindset of expecting NOTHING from the first, ohhh, DOZEN viewers, lol! And thus not having any stress over people viewing and not showing interest. The house is so cluttered and messy and curtain hems hanging down where the boys have picked at them, crayon on the walls, laundry piles everywhere, etc, etc. I just tidied and cleaned this morning best I could, saying over and over to myself (out loud where necessary!), "I don't mind what they think, they take it as they find it." It helped me stay sane this time (I went a little bit stressy-nuts last time we had a viewing booked, to the point that I cancelled it and got all tearful!). Anyway, yay! We have two more viewings booked tomorrow, plus the partner of this guy who came to see it today. The offer is for £10,000 less than the value price, and we really want/need to get as close to the actual value as possible, but we can just about go with his offer if nobody counters it over the weekend. Aaaaaaaahhh, we're really moving house!!!!! I have just realised how little I have believed that would actually happen! ;) Suddenly I'm nostalgic and wistful and wishing we didn't have to leave the place where Matthew was born and sooooo much has happened. *sniffle*

* I rest my case on my last post where I ranted about playgroups and germs! I had a midwife appt on Wednesday (28 weeks!!!) which I MUST write about in my pregnancy diary, but anyway - it was at the Sure Start centre where they have a playgroup. I had to take the boys this time and Arthur and Matthew played in the big hall while I took Nathan in with me to an adjoining room to see the midwife. It's a GREAT layout and I love it! There are so many fun toys for the boys to explore and play with. There's a "stay and play" programme that runs in the mornings and afternoons 3 days a week, and mine was a lunchtime appointment so we happened to miss the playgroup that ran in the morning. They played with all the toys but there were no other kids, except some big kids who were playing pool with it being Easter holidays. The centre manager stepped out of her office to sit and play cars with my boys the whole time I was with the midwife - so lovely of her! Anyway, so today Arthur has had a sore throat since he got up this morning and is sneezing his little head off. He has woken a couple of times this evening, streaming with cold :( I can't believe we'd go to a playgroup setting with NO CHILDREN and still catch something from the toys!! Tsk! Sick kids were clearly present that morning, even though they'd left by the time we got there. It's the first virus we've had since before Christmas! Thank goodness it's just a cold though and hopefully we'll all just throw it off fast! But, I rest my case. ;)

* Arthur had his first outing to the theatre!! My grandparents were sweet enough to book tickets to a local children's theatre that they used to take ME and my brother to when we were little! I used to go there a lot as a child because it is a FABULOUS place. I had a birthday party there once, and also went to some of the children's workshops in the holidays. It's so nostalgic for me, seeing Arthur go there now! Granny and Grandoug took him on the "big bus" (he has been scared of double decker buses for years, just because he doesn't like the noise close up and the size of them), but he was excited to go on the top deck this time :) He had a great time. The play was aimed at 4-7 year olds so he's at the young end, and my grandparents didn't know if some of it was beyond him, but he kept up with it fine and enjoyed it. He said he was scared of the wolf and the giant though, bless! He had chocolate ice-cream during the interval but he couldn't finish it all. It was REALLY STRANGE with just Matthew and Nathan here! Matthew missed Arthur and was a bit serious. He asked a few times where Arthur was and when he was coming home, and if it would be his turn to go out for a treat next :) He spent a little while at first being a bit mean to Nathan for some reason, poking him and stuff. He went in his chair in the kitchen for that, and then when he came out he seemed to decide to play with Nathan properly, and engaged him eagerly. He does play with Nathan a lot normally, but I think he felt a bit lost without his MAIN playmate! ;) Nathan already plays-with, even at 15 months. He doesn't play alongside or independently only, like I heard 15-month-olds do - perhaps it's because he has his brothers around all the time? Arthur did that only playing alongside other toddlers or just playing independently, but I don't think Matthew did as much. Nathan totally plays WITH his brothers, interacting, trying to talk to them (total babble, he really has no words as such, other than Arthur and Dah (daddy)), and communicating desperately with his eyes (and very expressive eyebrows, so funny!). He will do stuff they ask him to do, if he understands it, and he tries so hard! He loves to play with them! So, he lapped up Matthew's advances, and they sat and played duplo and bricks and stacking things for AGES. Matthew seemed so delighted - he kept calling out to me, "Look Mummy! We playing NICE-Y! We playing TOGEZZER!" Sweetie pies! :)

Nathan went for a nap part-way through Arthur's outing, and then I had the wonderful opportunity to have some good 1-on-1 time with my sweet second-born! But he rejected me!!!! We got a pile of lovely stories to cuddle up and read together, but he wanted to sit and read them over by himself and if I asked him if I could read them to him, he said, "Um, no. No shanks." I felt sad about it, because I wanted to spend the time with him and he was busy doing his thing! Oh well. He did let me give him lots of cuddles just the two of us, when he wasn't "reading" his stories, so that's something! He was sooooooo beamingly joyful to see Arthur as he came through the door when he got home! He kept yelling, "It's Arsur, yaaaaaay! It's Arsur!!!" over and over again, and barely gave Arthur enough room to get in the front door for crowding to get near him! Granny had bought a programme at the theatre and Matthew sat "reading" it really seriously for ages after Arthur was home. If I tried to ask him something or get his attention for something, he just told me, "I busy reading Arsur's book right now." and look back to it!

Sooo that was different. It was less chaotic with Arthur gone for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Less noise and clamour. Only two small children to cater for! The weirdness of only ONE when the other was napping - that's so strange to me now, which is odd because of how it still seems so recent that I only had two, and Matthew was a baby so frequently napping! It was so much quieter. But - I didn't like it. Matthew didn't like it either. I was glad when Arthur came home. It certainly was easier and less hectic, and we enjoyed the different-ness, but I wouldn't like him to be gone on a regular basis like that! I love having them all around all the time :)

Arthur has been reading a 3-word "story" for 3 days running now, in his reading lessons! He was so excited about the first one, because I told him before we started that he would be reading a STORY that day. He could barely wait through the exercises and word reading, and I had to cover things up so he wouldn't skip ahead too much. Finally we were on the page before the story, that is, the story was on the other side of the page we were reading. We had an exercise to do that was just sounding out letters - or sounds, as they're called in the book. It's an easy exercise, and the story was next. He really surprised me! He saw the large print of the three words of the story THROUGH THE PAGE we were reading, and said, "Oooh, that must be my story!!!" I started to say that we'd get to that next and draw his attention back to the sounds, when he put his finger to the paper and said, "It says, "Ssseee, meee, eeaat! - See me eat!" The thing that boggled me is that it was through the page, so the words were back to front, obviously. I didn't even know if he could read the words yet without assistance, let alone grainily through the other side of the paper and back to front!!!! I had absolutely nothing to say, and eventually stammered about finishing the sounds, and when we turned the page I asked him to go through the steps of reading the story he'd already read, haha! He giggled at that, like he'd done something mischievous. I can't believe how fast he's progressing, and I'm so encouraged by his enthusiasm! I really like making note of things here because I haven't really got a place to note them as he's learning, and there's a lot that I want to make note of which I hadn't anticipated. I'm actually not trying to boast in him, honestly! I just want to make note of where I'm particularly surprised by something he does or encouraged (or if there's a difficulty anywhere). Maybe I should start a paper journal for those things? Hmmm.

Okay this is NOT the fly-by I promised, haha! No real surprise there, then! It's so late, but I'm happy that it's the weekend! Neil worked late tonight and getting the boys dinner and ready for bed was easier than last time, which was easier than the time before. They were all in bed asleep or working on it by 7.30pm, so I felt good for that! Matthew was asleep by 6.50pm! He actually needs that kind of bedtime every single day. He really needs his 12 hours of solid sleep. Arthur is less so inclined (takes maybe 10 even if he's tired and needs more, and tends to stir or wake in the night), and Nathan is starting to sleep better too. He settles himself for naps and bedtime, since I've been basically leaving the poor chap to fuss and cry till he goes to sleep! :S I hate doing that, but he hasn't really been hysterical about it. If he does that then I go in and resettle and leave again. He is usually fussing and crying, lying down and trying to sleep, fussing and crying again, etc. If he's irate and miserable and never trying to sleep, I rescue him :) His night wakings are much improved this week, though it always (always!) gets worse after I post that kind of sentence, so I won't hold my breath! Also he's likely to get a cold from his brother so that could be thrown off a bit soon. But the last two nights I have woken more than Nathan, which is a first! I'm now woken more by my FOURTH son than my third, haha! If he rolls into a different position (the one in my tum, this is) in the night, it often triggers a SEARING ligament pain on that side and I wake sort of writhing with it till it subsides. And I'm waking to pee twice a night now too. It's frustrating to wake, tired, and see my sleeping baby there NOT waking me up - but I'm up anyway! Tsk! ;) I've discovered that Nathan DOES stir a lot but is rarely/never fully waking up! One or two times in the night if I'm awake when he stirs, I pat his bottom a few times if it's a "I'm about to wake up!" stirring, and he settles back into a deeper sleep without ever really coming out of it, so that's good. That technique was what started him sleeping better in the first place, I think. That and the daytime/bedtime self-settling. So that's good!

I'm sure there was something else.... Loads else, probably. My parents came over from France for a DAY yesterday! Daddy had a meeting at his studio that he HAD to attend, and Mummy came with him to see her grandchildren! They got the overnight ferry here, she spent the morning with us, had lunch with Daddy, and then the afternoon with Thea and my brother before going home to France on the night ferry again! I think they are coming back (another meeting) the week after next, so hopefully we'll see them again. The boys LOVE Nana and Grandy and it's always wonderful wonderful WONDERFUL to see them! I love my parents, and really miss them now they live abroad. We don't see them very often - sort of when I have a baby and once or twice in between! ;)

Okay, that's it for tonight! I have photos, but once again they're not at my fingertips to post since I just meant to type a quick post! I'll get to them soon!



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Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Huge post about stuff (but I do actually mean thank you!)

I definitely feel it's time for me to post an update, after such a stressed-out post last time and SO MANY comments - thank you!!! I didn't mean to leave such a gap before posting again, but honestly I'm quite boggled by the huge variety of opinions out there and not really sure how to process them all and apply them (one? some? all?!). I also posted at MOMYS (thanks Annie for suggesting it - Neil did too!) and got some wonderful responses there too - fairly different to the ones I got here, I think because most of my blog readers are not quite of the same.... what word am I looking for?.... mindset? (maybe?) as I am, regarding little ones and mothering them and so on. At MOMYS, most of them ARE, so the responses are different. I really did want to get those two different types of opinions, which is why I posted both here and there. I had some similar advice at both places, though, I don't mean to imply it was totally different to what everyone said here! Thanks so so very much to everyone who commented and gave advice, or just said soothing things or let me know you're praying for me. I appreciate it so much! Some of you (with busy, child-filled lives, no less!) left HUGE-O comments, and I know that took a big bite out of your time, so I just want you to know that warmed my heart and made me feel loved, and I just appreciate you guys so much! :) I intended to write a big "Responses!" post tonight, to comment on lots of different things people said, but now that I sit here tired at the end of a busy day with the littlies, it's just beyond me! I may get to it eventually though, and probably will comment on bits and pieces as they come to mind as I'm writing posts for a while.

I know a lot of people mentioned how I'm germ-phobic, or just basically really afraid of the boys getting sick. I have been thinking this over a lot this past week, really thinking about it. Because it's not good. But I think that's exaggerated, and to the average out-at-playgroups-all-the-time mama, I am probably a pretty weird mother in that respect, and the fact that I talk about not liking the germ aspect at large gatherings of children probably turns that weirdness into an obvious-looking problem with germophobia, or something! Honestly, I DO get anxious about the boys getting sick with things that would knock us all out. I have no idea how we'd function if the parents were too sick to care for the children (whether they were sick too or not). It's plain no fun having more than 1 or 2 ill small children at once to look after, when you're also ill! Which, I know is the same experience for everyone. But it's kind of understandable therefore to have a certain level of anxiety over the whole bunch of us going under with something horrible. That's ALL I'm worried about, honestly. I'm really not as germ-phobic as everyone seems to think!

We used to go to playgroups. The big one with 75 toddlers - ill every single time we went, all year round. With like 3 exceptions all year or something, urgh! I persevered with Arthur when he was Nathan's age and I was pregnant with Matthew, for several months until it just seemed crazy and I wanted to give his immune system a break! Mine was okay, but he seemed to be getting so run down, and it didn't seem natural to have him so exposed to SO many viruses week after week after week. So we stopped going. Any time we went back over the next 18 months, whether it was December or July, we got sick. We also went to a small playgroup run by my church now and then. I mostly stopped going to that because it became such a pain to attend when Matthew was in his first year. He liked his naps regular and long. And at home in his cot, thank you very much! ;) Everything had to work around his naps, and we would basically turn up there as they were finishing up and Arthur would run about during the tidy up time and then we'd come home again. Don't feel sorry for Arthur there though - I read it back and instinctively thought, "Aw, poor Arthur!" but he was FINE. He didn't ever ask to go, miss going, or wonder if we might go. He was equally contented at home as when we were at groups. He never showed any displeasure at all when we left groups, and once or twice asked to go home early, I think just because he got tired or had had enough of all the noise or whatever! Or just wanted lunch! ;) The effort involved got too much, so we stopped, but it took me a LONG time to let myself drop the groups and feel okay about it, since EVERYONE takes their kids to groups, it seems, so if I didn't then I must be doing something wrong, you know?

These days I will happily have playdates (as we don't really call them, but anyway! ;) ) with other kids as and when, and not have any worries about if the kids are coming with colds or whatever. I totally know that the boys will go out there and pick up colds and such, and that's okay. It does irritate me when somebody brings a heavily streaming child to play, clearly THICK with a horrible and highly infectious cold or other similar virus, though. Because, where's the courtesy in that?! I always appreciate it when mothers call me first and say, "Oh, he's got a cold right now, is it still okay to come round?" I pretty much say yes, don't worry about it (even if it's not always my favourite thought in the world that they're bringing us a cold!), but sometimes I ask if it has been a really horrid one, and once or twice I have actually asked if it would be okay if we reschedule, because on those occasions the boys had just been getting over like their 4th cold in a row (back to back - we had 2 really fun months before Christmas!) and were sub-par and had been miserable with the last one. Or the other time, Nathan was acting teethy and had the remnants of a cold still, and was sleeping HORRIBLY. I just thought that I did not want to INVITE heavy congestion and worse sleep, when I was being given the option not to! ;) So I said no thanks!

At playgroups and at church creche, mothers bring their babies and toddlers who are at the mouthing-everything-in-sight stage, streaming with heavy feverish colds, fresh from vomiting the day before (does NOBODY seem to know that all vomiting bugs are infectious for 3 full days after the last vomit or diarrhoea?! Honestly and truly, NO mother I talk to seems to have this piece of information! Aaargh!), or whatever. And not just, oh it's an occasional risk that this might happen, nope. Mothers bring their little ones in this stage EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. Obviously not the same children each week, but across the general membership, there are sick sick sick children in creche/playgroup every ding dong week! Then, I take my healthy, mouthing-everything-in-sight children to the same group and voila, 2-3 weeks of misery (small babies take 2-3 weeks to deal with a cold, not the 7 days or less of a toddler/child), during which time I have to decide whether to let them back to the same germy group while they're still feeling under the weather, or keep them off. I honestly find it really difficult to justify sending my own children into a room full of other children when I know full-well they are infectious with ANY sort of virus. It just seems wrong! I actually had a time where I tried to just push that feeling aside and continue, because one of the mums at church (who also went to playgroups with us) told me that the "rule" out there is that you should always go to playgroups the same as usual if they have a cold, because otherwise you'd never go out anywhere - they always have colds! That did NOT sit right with me, but eventually when Arthur had his run of a million viruses from the big playgroup, I stood tall and bit my lip and took him there anyway. I absolutely could not keep that up, because I'd look at the other sweet little kids, and mine with a streaming nose handing them a toy he'd just mouthed, and I felt so bad for the other little ones! Yes, they probably get colds all the time and it's no big deal, and children "deal" with viruses and keep going as everyone says, but I don't buy it. Kids don't have any say! I bet they wouldn't choose to catch a cold, and no children have any fun when they're full of cold! I think it's more the mothers who are getting used to dealing with colds in their children. Arthur did just breeze on with life after the first bunch of colds he ever got, except really bad ones that made him miserable, but that's no reason to assume that other kids will breeze on and it won't bother them. I just can't feel okay going around making other kids ill (even mildly, to be honest), and I'm sure that steps on toes here because I know I'm about the ONLY crazy mother who doesn't take her kids places when they have colds, but anyway. I tried to shove my feelings aside on it, but I couldn't justify it in the end. So, we don't go spreading colds to others, and I don't like it when others knowingly do so to us - simple as that. But, the boys WILL get colds and stuff, and that's just something inconvenient and difficult to deal with as and when it arises - NOT something I'm anxious or phobic about!! Just to clarify! :)

Now, the vomiting, that's slightly different because as lots of you know, I have struggled BIG TIME with emitophobia since I was a toddler. I think my phobia is actually the best it has ever been now, which surprises me! I would not even call it a phobia any more, which is a BIG deal for me to be able to say! I would certainly call it an anxiety, and a big one, but it doesn't go to "phobic" any more I don't think. I don't obsess, and I haven't actually panicked about it in a very long time, even when thinking about it or contemplating the possibility of getting sick. Which is a big big big wonderful thing to be able to say!! :D I don't even know what has finally improved things for me in that department, I'm completely baffled! I do get scared if someone here is throwing up, especially if it's infectious and I could get it, BUT I can't tell you how different life is for me without the daily panicking and obsessive behaviour that I used to have in my teens and early 20s.

Arthur exhibits the same kind of panic about vomiting that I did when I was little. His stems from a bad gastroenteritis he had at 23 months old. Bad. And, as my mum puts it, his "control issues" that he inherited from his mother. *sigh*) I never knew such awful stomach bugs existed when I was a child! I'm actually pretty sure they DIDN'T, and things are way worse these days. The difference with poor Arthur is he happens to get stomach things BADLY, like Neil did as a child. He throws up and throws up and throws up and throws up and throws up and throws up (seemingly forever, and it must seem so much worse to him) when everyone else here who gets it throws up once. Or just the other end. Apart from NEVER WANTING ANOTHER STOMACH BUG AS LONG AS I LIVE (ahem!), I will do what I can to limit the number of stomach bugs Arthur is exposed to. If people didn't take their kids out in public after they've been throwing up (however mildly THEIR kids seemed to be affected, tsk! OTHER people might not be so lucky!) in the window where they're still infectious (3 full days, remember?) then I wouldn't have such a time with this, or such a bother with going to groups and creche. Nor would such bugs be so commonplace, due to basic infection control by parents. It's a huge bug-bear for me - sorry I'm sounding venty and irritable. I AM irritable about this subject! It bugs me no end. *sigh* And the same applies to colds, really. They don't bother us - they're an annoyance, but every time they get one I just think, "Oh well, at least their immune systems are working on something!" and deal. But there's a chain of people, you know? You might not bother about the other kids you're happily exposing to your child's virus, but I personally know people who have had issues like, say, they have a newborn who ends up in hospital because of colds brought to playgroup (not that they'd have taken their newborn to playgroup, because they didn't want to expose the littlie to the germs brought there, but they didn't want their toddler to be bored, so he went and caught the stuff there instead and brought it home). Or someone whose ailing grandmother lives with them and a cold could be threatening for her. This lady had no choice in the end but to regretfully pull her son out of playgroup because of the risk to her MIL, since everybody brought sick kids to playgroup every week and the risk was unnaturally high.

I'm not worried at ALL about exposing my little ones to NATURAL risk, like going out, socialising with people of all ages, shopping, playing at the swings or the park, etc. But it seems impossible to find groups of small children in any context where the risks of catching viruses are UNNATURAL because of the fact that parents send/bring their children in knowing that they are virally infectious. There are one or two pre-school playgroups (ENDLESS WAITING LISTS, unsurprisingly!) in my local area which state clearly that no child is to be allowed to the group with any evidence or knowledge of infectious viral symptoms of any kind. I imagine those groups are full of kids who get sick WAY less than everywhere else! Now if only all groups were like that, socialising little ones wouldn't be the germy pot-luck it is every time the group meets and the frequency of illnesses wouldn't be so extreme overall.

I guess I'm not PHOBIC, just annoyed about the lack of common courtesy, and the sheer crazy amount of nasty viruses that are there for the taking all the time these days. Arthur is in Sunday School at church now, being over the age of 3, and he does occasionally come home with colds, but it's NOTHING like the little ones in the creche room. I figure it's because the 3-6 year olds are not constantly mouthing toys and passing them around! ;) We'd be going much more regularly over this past winter if we could keep the little ones out of creche - I'm happy to let Arthur loose in Sunday School and risk a few colds and such (though, honestly, he was picking up some BAD attitudes from other kids there - at CHURCH?!!! Tsk!). They don't miss being in creche, but when we're there I don't want the little ones to be hankering after that room full of toys where ALL the other little ones are and not being let to go there. That just seemed mean, so we stopped going for a while. I think it wasn't the right thing to do to just NOT go to church. Going to church is important for us as a family, and for our spiritual walks individually. It's so important to get fellowship and good teaching, and to worship together with others, sooooo important. I don't know. I haven't been sure of any decisions we've made lately (except the family-size-in-God's-hands one! :) ), that's for sure.

I was pretty eager for Jemma's recent visit with Jove to result in chicken pox for the boys!! ;) He came down with it 5 days later. The boys didn't get it (we're out of the window now), but most places I read said it's infectious 2-3 days before the rash, so we probably missed it anyway. I really want them to get chicken pox, because it's important to get it when they're little and not a BAD version when they're older. We don't have a chicken pox vaccine here, but I'm glad of that, because I don't think chicken pox vaccines are a good idea at ALL. I don't know anything about it, but I'm thinking TONS of cases of kids with shingles in the future of countries who do that, off the top of my head. And chicken pox is a picnic compared with shingles!

Ummm.... where did I get to/come from?! I have ranted and waffled for ages, and I'm not sure why I started or where I was heading! ;) I'm absolutely not digging at anyone, and it's just my opinion, which I know will differ from lots of other people's opinions. Knowing that does not mean I intend a debate with this post! I really don't like those. So, please don't take it that way. I was just expressing my (extreme!) irritation over something! Ohhh, I remember, I started out just clarifying that I'm not actually acting this way out of anxiety about illnesses - I think people reckon I have a problem with anxiety over it and it's affecting my children and the way I let them do things. But it's not that dramatic, honestly! Going to groups is a pain in MANY ways, difficult to time, extremely exhausting, usually not fun for at least one of my children who have to come along with their sibling(s), and the whole day gets thrown out of whack with fitting in naps and meals. Seriously. The sickness part is the clincher for me - it's not that easy or enjoyable in the first place (I'm not just talking about me here!) and then if we're all going to get sick anyway, then fine, we'll just give it a miss! ;)

Now, if we DO get to a group, usually at least one of the boys enjoys it and it eats up a nice chunk of the day's energies for them. They DON'T like a bunch of yelling noisy kids. They don't like other kids snatching toys and not sharing, or hitting, or so on. My mum says it's important that they get exposed to a whole lot of toddler-bullying (okay, those are my words, tsk!) so they experience the ways of the world and I get to teach them about it as they experience it. Yeah, that's ONE way of doing it! Forgive my bristling hormonal irritability - I'm honestly not usually this antagonistic (maybe not the right word for it, but I can't think of another right now) about stuff, especially bloggy stuff where it can seem even harsher with only the text to look at. It's just stuff that bugs me and doesn't doesn't doesn't sit right with me no matter how I try to stay open to such ideas or try it out that way for a while, etc. Of course the children will meet bullies in life when they're older, but they don't HAVE to be exposed to it from an early age to learn about it. I really don't think so. I don't plan that to be a big old shock to them later on in childhood when they encounter it, after I've taught them never to behave like that, at home with each other. They'll know bullies exist and what kind of behaviour characterises them, and hopefully how to deal with them.

Anyway. They don't like mean kids or noisy kids, or a group that's just overwhelming all the time. They like to play with each other, and don't ever ask about going to see other children or playgroups, or seem lacking in that department - I know some of you said that their behaviour suggests that perhaps they ARE lacking, but I'm not sure that's true. I don't think a child NEEDS other children of the same age to stay sane and happy during childhood. I think that's what we DO in society, and has been discovered to have great benefits for the children (playmates, etc) but it's not actually necessary. I do think siblings are plenty enough in terms of playmates, especially those who are blessed to be close in age to a sibling or two (or more, even better!). Arthur's best friend is Matthew, as he tells me, and he's not kind of worryingly attached to his brother because he's secluded and has no choice and they rely on each other to feel secure, or anything like that. They fight and argue as much as we try to limit that! But they play together all day and would not have it any other way. Going out of our way to find a "friend" for Arthur his own age would likely increase the options for Arthur as far as playmates are concerned, but why go there if he HAS the constant playmate he desires, right here at home? We do socialise with other 4-year-olds, and he gets on with one or two of them really well. He likes to see them, and if we see them a lot over a shortish period of time, he will be sad if we can't see them for a longer spell like if they're away or something. But he would vastly prefer to spend his time with Matthew. I don't like the whole "best buds against siblings!" thing that goes on with children who go to school. I KNOW, not all of them do this! But the majority do, and we're told it's normal, and part of a child's normal developmental do-dahs. But I disagree. Arthur never has that mentality unless he's repeatedly exposed to other children "his age" who will lead the way in unkindly pushing away THEIR younger siblings with taunting voices, and then after a long while (or two or three visits), he will start to do the same with THEIR younger siblings just to join in what they're doing, and if we continue exposing him to that, he'll eventually start doing the same to his own younger brother. Which, we're not prepared to allow. Other children are teaching him something that is not right, and I don't want him exposed to some of that stuff while he's so little and impressionable. It doesn't come naturally to exclude siblings unkindly, without outside influence. Frustration at younger siblings definitely leads to the desire to have time without those annoyances! ;) Arthur sometimes exhibits plenty of evidence of this. But we are teaching them that their brothers are their best friends, and that they don't exclude or talk or behave unkindly to others, especially their best friends. We always acknowledge the frustrations and try to provide time out from such pressures where necessary, but they are to learn to share and include each other, and also to gradually learn the stages of babyhood and toddlerhood and the limitations those pose to that little child's ability to play this or understand that. They ARE getting it, but it's something we are constantly working on.

I remember one time a few months ago (before Christmas?) at fellowship group, one of the ladies there had a baby who crawled up to Arthur and took a toy from him. She was amazed that he responded so calmly and acceptingly, and just got on with the same game he was playing with a different toy. She even emailed me afterwards to comment on it again, saying other children his age had not had that kind of reaction to her little one grabbing toys! I said that he was used to it, but that's not really what I meant. I meant that he is continually learning (being taught by us) about what babies do and what they can understand and can't understand, and why they grab and the best thing to do about it (and not do!). I'm glad he is learning that from us, and not learning a different response by example in a group of other children his age who are reacting "differently" to a baby crawling up and grabbing their toys! That's just one example of many on why we are focusing on home and home-schooling, and not groups of other same-aged children, for the boys' early years. It's such a formative time.

Yes, we're struggling with their behaviour, and we are SOOOO not experts! But we strongly feel that we're doing the right thing for them. Arthur in particular is very impressionable, highly sensitive and volatile - "highly strung", if you will - just as part of his particular personality and character. Not so much his brothers. He's very like me in that respect, but more so. He CAN be easy-going and relaxed, and sometimes is (which I was a little more than he is) but yeah. It's particularly for Arthur that we're feeling the NEED to keep him close and educate him at home (for other reasons than the keep-him-close thing, but that holds too). He needs more stimulation and we need to work on that. Maybe that's all it is, even? They get outside a couple of hours every day. They run and play and dig and drive and race and shout and all that boy stuff (!), without me standing over them (I do housework, or - bliss! - read or lie on the sofa on a REALLY good day when Nathan's nap coincides, hehe!). They do LONG walks and rambles on Saturday and Sunday at the humongous park with Daddy. When our day goes according to plan (we could do with a bit more routine to it, which might help too), the boys help with housework (they love this), I read aloud to them a lot, they play together with cars constantly, we build train tracks that Nathan can't mess up during his naps, Arthur has school during Nathan's morning nap, they do puzzles and pretend play, and sometimes we manage a craft or baking. What I really want to do is increase the craft/baking activities. They LOVE those! But I am finding that it's hard to fit any more activities into our day with all that other stuff! It's not that the day drags boringly by for them - though believe me, sometimes it DOES when I haven't got it together or am feeling exhausted or unwell or something. They do best when each "thing" we do is followed immediately by another thing, however passive or simple, even a meal will do. So long as there isn't a gap between activities where Mummy says, "Okay boys, I have to just lie on the floor for a bit because I'm exhausted right now!" which unfortunately is happening more and more now that I'm in my 3rd trimester! Those "gaps" tend to be when the TV is switched on, and then once the TV is on, it's all too easy for it to stay on longer than necessary and they then get fidgetty and bored, understandably so.

So much to think about and "fix"! It overwhelms me one moment (most moments lately!) and then I will suddenly wake up clear-headed about it and full of energy and determination with ideas to sort this or that out. Easter weekend was lovely and relaxed, but it let me just feel lethargic and more foggy of brain than ever. It has actually been a great thing to get to Tuesday and Neil back to work, to have the motivation to pull myself together again, clean the house and get back on track with the boys' day. I have less energy week by by week at the moment - I had some GREAT energy back there for a while! :) Housework tires me more, and by the time I made lunch for the boys today (11.45am, not late by any means!), my hand was shaking like crazy as I tried to spread their sandwiches with the knife, because my own blood sugar had just pregnantly "crashed" and I needed my own lunch, STAT! ;) I got theirs first, but I'm wondering if I should just drop everything and feed myself if that keeps happening? It took me a while to recover and trying to seat them and serve them was very hard with weak shakes like that, and I started to feel dizzy too. Things are definitely shifting into 3rd trimester mode for me lately, and I have to make allowances for that, I guess.

Arthur's school is going well! We did Lesson 12 of "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons" today (we missed our first day in the whole thing so far, yesterday), and Arthur read his first two 4-letter words - "seed" and "seat"! He is reading 3-letter-words each day, and has learned 7 sounds now - 'm', 's', 'a', 'eee', 't', 'r', and today he learned 'd'. He's so excited about it, but he does get bored of some of the exercises, especially the very repetitive ones and the rhyming games. He just wants to READ! ;) I have had to start covering up all the words except what we're about to read, because he will jump ahead. He jumps ahead on everything we do, and is starting to miss my explanations because he's reading the next word and not listening, or something, and then he makes mistakes and gets frustrated. So I'm covering words. But then I just have to take my hand off the next word and start to say the accompanying script (yes, it's totally scripted!) and I will say two words of it before he says, "Oooh, it's got THREE sounds! sss-a-t - SAT!!" and be highly excited about it, while I'm still saying, "... so get ready to sound it out!" It sounds good, and it IS good that he's eager and able, but it can get frustrating if he isn't listening and then I have to go back over things because he needed to hear them to understand the next step or something! Tomorrow (I think?) is his first story!! Just three words - "see me eat" with a picture of a man eating next to it :) I know he's going to be so excited about that. I have to cover the picture until he's read the "story". It's going so well. He has to write two sounds each lesson in his writing book. His writing is visibly improving already (letter formation, that is), but I still have to put the pencil in his hand right each time, because he just wants to WRITE ALREADY, and not bother with such distractions as holding the pencil in a certain way before he begins! ;) He gets a sticker for completing each lesson and when his writing is really good he gets a sticker next to his letters in his writing book. He was starting to award himself quite generously, sticker sheet in hand, haha! But I took over administering stickers and told him I won't be giving out stickers for writing every day - only when it's especially good :) I thought the stickers would be a good added extra, and they're going down well! I ordered some from eBay this weekend - large sparkly coloured stars for the completion of each lesson, and smaller sparkly coloured smiley faces to put next to especially good work :) I'm excited like a small child about those stickers arriving, hehe!

I've also become freshly confident about teaching Arthur beyond reading, as we've progressed with teaching him to read a little. It feels like it's starting to fall into place in my head. The reading book is an accelerated learning course, and should be completed within 4 or 5 months. I will give birth and do the postpartum thing with a new baby in the middle of that time, so I expect it will take more like 5-6 months for us, even with us having lessons at weekends like we do. I will try to keep the routine going as normally as possible for the boys, but I do plan to totally REST UP for the 2 weeks that Neil has on paternity leave after the baby is born. That will stand me in the best position to pick up and continue when he goes back to work. If I attempt to do any of my usual stuff in that time, I don't think I will be as well recovered come week 3 when I'm on my own again! It's not very taxing to teach Arthur to read, and it's great one-on-one time, so I will try to continue it as often as possible during those 2 weeks, while I'm at home (if I give birth in hospital and stay any time to recover a bit), but I do want to consider the possibility that I won't manage it or something. So it might take us up to 6 months.

Which takes us to September! September 2009 is the month Arthur should be starting school if he is not being homeschooled. He turns 5 in November, so he would start school in September. I am really happy with the idea that he will be able to read fluently by then, AND it feels like a perfect smooth transition to other "school" things as the reading lessons come to an end, coinciding with September so prettily, hehe! I know we don't have to follow the school academic year, but I'm like lots of others who can just SMELL school supplies with an autumn breeze or the leaves turning, or the days shortening and the air getting cooler. School time, folks! ;) So I will be happy to get to a fresh "year" of school every September. It just feels natural! :)

In September, Arthur will have learnt to read, and just finished the lessons. So, I'm thinking after breakfast the boys will have outdoor time, and then come in and have "reading time". Reading time will consist of me hearing Arthur read as he practises from books. I won't call that "school", just "reading time", and I'll finish it with the reading out-loud that I'm doing now, from books that are older than the boys' age range (the "Little House" series right now - we just finished "Little House in the Big Woods" and we're several chapters into the 2nd book - "Little House on the Prairie", and Arthur is still loving it!). Then for actual "school" - I'm not sure when to do it. I am thinking morning would be better maybe, and switch outdoor time to the afternoon? But I like the outdoor time and a "head" activity next to each other... Anyway, that might have to be worked around things with the baby(ies!) when it comes to it. But for actual school, I can smoothly move onto teaching Arthur handwriting and spelling, from the learning to read book. He will have learned to write all his letters and sounds, and to read many many words, six or seven letters long, and complicated sentences (the last lesson is a 200-word story!!). So spelling and handwriting seem to be the next obvious (and very straightforward, hopefully!) step. I am going to spend the next few months researching a curriculum (or methods) for basic maths, although I might not add that to "school" for the first few months - we'll see. I see no need to rush anything at his age really. Reading and writing by the time he's 5 will be a great start as it is, and adding the 3rd 'r' ('rithmetic!) will be great when it seems a good time to throw it in there. It may seem like school is packed full with just handwriting and spelling at first, and I want to keep it to SHORT sessions while he's this little, like we are now (15 minutes per day at the moment, that is all!!!). If it seems like he's really ready to add more, or there's time when he'd like to keep going, I'll start the maths. I want to have it ready, to know what I'm going to teach him and how, for September just in case. Then, the only other thing I'm interested in adding to his school for when he's 5 is Nature Study. I got the idea (and fell in love with it!) from this post at Raising Olives (by the way, a wonderful blog with a ton of great tips and ideas for large homeschooling families!). The post explains it all, but basically it's a mish-mash of science, art, observation, writing, and research. It sounds wonderful, and something Arthur would LOVE. If I am teaching him to do Nature Study every day and reading, writing, spelling and maths every day at the age of 5, I will be very very happy and satisfied with what we are doing at school. Of course we're free to throw in spontaneous history, science, art or geography lessons at any given time ;) And take trips to places if we're able (ideally) to boost or inspire these things. And I'm thinking French, definitely, pretty early. My parents live in France and so he's already had the wonderful experience on our last visit there, of them taking him out for walks and to local shops, and having him say, "Bonjour" and "Merci" to friendly villagers, ALL of whom stop to talk to them when they're out and about, as French locals tend to do. My mum tells me he is confident in being approached and spoken to by elderly people speaking fast French! And also confident and clear-spoken saying the words she teaches him to say to them. He also understands other words in French through having heard them said to him and then my mum explaining them to him - he still remembers that everyone he meets there will give him "bees" (bises = kisses!) when he says hello or goodbye to them! :) So, French should be a given, I think, and there's no need to start early or wait either, just whenever it seems good, and not too far in the future. I can teach him a fair way since I studied it to A-level, but I'm rusty and will need to study with him eventually, I can tell! ;) My parents are eager for him to go and stay with them for holidays (maybe 2 boys at a time, they say?) for a week when he's a couple of years older. He gets on wonderfully with them, so I think that will go down very well! They're keen to socialise him with the village and have him talking to people when he's there, and they do it in a very encouraging and fun way so it will work well for him I think.

Okay, I've just realised how late it's getting and how very LONG and rambly this post is getting! I reeeeally need a drink of water too. I hope I didn't offend anyone with my ranty stuff earlier, as it wasn't intended - just an expression of irritation, or something to that effect! ;) I know I will clash with people's opinions, but hopefully it won't spark anger or protest! I'm just a-bloggin' in my blog. Feel free to ignore me if you disagree with me ;)

I NEED to post photos! And I have a ton of videos that are steadily getting out of date, just stacked up waiting to be seen! Actually I could just quickly put some of those at the end of this post, and then at least they're HERE and not waiting to be posted, even though that will make them a bit random, to say the least! Some of them are of Nathan at 13 months, doing "new" stuff, so it's now old-ish stuff and I must get those posted before it gets ridiculous!

Here's one of Arthur and Matthew that's just totally random and only a few seconds long. Arthur has used my camera to destruction - he takes photos and videos every day, and now my camera (not that old!) is not working properly. It keeps deleting photos randomly so that every time I switch it back on, more are missing than before. I have taken SUCH lovely photos of the boys (especially Nathan) over the last week and all but one or two have disappeared because the camera is broken and keeps deleting them! So, I have bought a new camera. Neil has been bugging me - bugging me, seriously! - to get a digital SLR the next time I need a new camera. He wanted me to get one the last time when I bought this camera, but I am nervous about the expense (we didn't have any money at the time anyway, and those things are EXPENSIVE!) and whether I'll justify the purchase with the way I use the camera. I used to really really want to get into photography. I was looking into courses before I got pregnant with Arthur, and when Arthur was little I was so eager to learn stuff to improve. I wanted to pack him up and go to beautiful places and take photographs and improve the skill. After Matthew, I wanted to be able to take skillful photos of the children, but had little time or energy for much else! But Neil thinks I really should take it up, and I would LOVE to as well. I feel nervous that it's an expectation if I buy a DSLR, that I should be persuing it and if I don't have time or energy then it's a wasted purchase, you know? So I was happy to buy a point-and-shoot again last time. This time, God has blessed us to be able to afford extra things and also to pay off our debt and move to a bigger home!!! I am not in the least bit surprised (I told you he would! ;) ) even though it seemed like a not-gonna-happen back when we had no income at all only a year ago! God is so wonderfully GOOD!!! :D And the camera is bust. So... I bought a digital SLR! Eeep! I researched and researched, and finally went with Kim's review of her Sony Alpha 300. So I bought one!!! I am thinking about setting aside a little time every Friday evening to study up on the "how to"s of photography (or the camera itself - the manual could take forever to read and absorb!), because on my Motivated Moms list, one of the things to check off on Fridays is spending time on a craft or hobby. I rarely rarely check that off. So I could try to do a little photography learning or practise on Fridays, and maybe make some progress that way? I hope I can do it, because I would love to learn to use such a camera well and take (much!) better photographs.

Anyhow, my new camera is coming this week on order, yay! It doesn't have the video function that I've been used to on my point-and-shoot, so I will have to dig out the OLD video camera and find the battery charger (if this is even a possibility!) if I want to video the boys any more! Talking of videos.... Here's the one I STARTED to tell you about! ;) I was upstairs putting Nathan down for a nap. I was only gone a few minutes that time, and later in the evening when I was looking through the stuff on the camera, I found this tiny little clip. It made me smile, and being TINY it uploaded quickly, so here it is :)



Here's little Nathan at 13 months (he's FIFTEEN months now, as of Easter weekend!! That's one and a quarter! Aaaahhh! He's growing up so fast!), just bumbling about, dancing a bit and "singing" to the Kathryn Scott's "Thank you for the cross" :) If the starting picture below shows it sideways on, that's not how the video is! I don't know why it's showing isdeways on, but anyway.



This one was taken the same afternoon. Nathan was helping me fold (haha!) the tumble dry load, and I finally managed to get him on video doing his new (at the time) thing of understanding me when I ask him to put some item of dirty laundry in the kitchen (we process and sort in the kitchen - everything goes over the safety gate in the kitchen doorway to be processed). It was CLEAN, but never mind! ;)



Nathan again at 13 months, playing with "drums" and things in the kitchen while the older two were outside in the garden burning off energy! Lately (just this past week or so) I have started letting Nathan out in the garden with the older two. We found a red ants nest on the grass today. Not good! So I didn't let him stay out long today. But before, he used to play in the kitchen like this, or opening and shutting cupboards and rearranging their contents (!) while I did kitchen-related housework or made dinner:



This last one is Nathan walking, at 13.5 months. I hadn't taken any videos of him walking since he first started, and I wanted a comparison for a couple of months later (he started at 11.5 months). Obviously this is pretty out of date now - I wish I'd posted it at the time, tsk! - he's trying to RUN now, and do funny little attempts and jumping and dancing with his brothers (sooooo cute!), but oh well - here it is now anyway. He's a sweet little pea pickle! :)



Okay, VERY last one, I promise! ;)

This is a short little clip of the boys one morning when I was feeling exhausted. I put some worship music on and told the boys I was going to lie on the sofa for a few minutes. To my amazement, they stopped whatever game it was they were playing, both headed for the bookshelves, selected books, and went over to the sofa to sit and read! They didn't say a word, the just did it! I didn't suggest it or anything. When Arthur finished a book, he handed it to Matthew, who looked at that one while Arthur read another one he got from the shelf, and so on. They did this for like 20 minutes!!! Nathan climbed on me and chatted :) I just lay there amazed, and finally grabbed the camera to capture it for the record! Now, it's not that amazing at all, because they love to do this most days. They have a LOT of books so it can last a while! ;) It's lovely. And lovelier still, Nathan joins in and often they're in a little row, all consumed by their story books, Nathan just as much as the others, though he often holds the books upside-down, bless him! ;) Often it's just Nathan and Matthew who decide to read together for a while. I have photos, but not this time. I'll be back soon, I promise!





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Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Difficulties...

Thanks so much for all the helpful comments about Diaryland - I was sooooooooo pleased to see it back to normal today, phew! I bought Gold Membership for the shortest time I could and backed up my pregnancy diary straight away. What a relief! I've also started transferring diary entries to Blogger. I'll keep updating at Diaryland but will also probably copy those entries over as I write them, until I'm ready to open my pregnancy diary here, and then I'll switch everything over and stop writing there. It's going to take me AGES, but I'll plug away at it!

It's nearly 2am. Isn't that crazy/irresponsible/daft? I'm so tired out, and last night I couldn't sleep till after 3am, so I'm NUTTY for being up right now. But Neil and I had a very long and drawn-out "discussion" tonight, and it's kept us both up very late. It wasn't planned. We really don't communicate very well. It was one of those explosion things that starts with a slow leak, blows up big time, and then (thankfully) instead of just running away from the stuff littered everywhere, we stay to pick things up and see what each thing is in a better light than we've ever really seen it before. But that kind of clean-up takes a while, and it's exhausting.

I'm not feeling upset/despairing or anything, like sometimes I might after a bit upsetting discussion. We don't have "fights" really, but we do have rather heated discussions once in a while, when the stuff we don't communicate about blows up (which, obviously, it will). Neil isn't a communicator, and I have long since given up trying (read: nagging - not a good thing!) to get him to talk to me, so I know this is the way it goes, but I don't like it.

There is so much wrong, SOOOO much wrong, under our smiley happy family surface. More than I knew about a couple of hours ago. Neil waits till he's having all sorts of scary thoughts before he communicates that there's even any sort of problem, which I find super upsetting to discover, having had no (or very little) idea that anything was up. It drives me crazy that he won't talk with me about things, but he's always said that's just how he is. I KNOW it's so unhealthy! Especially in a marriage relationship. But anyway.

Nathan is waking, so I'll be back in a few.

We probably seem like a sweet little happy family with three sweet little boys and a baby on the way, about to start homeschooling, and managing great with things in general. I trust God, Neil is a lovely man, I'm not so bad myself (!), and he is always being giving towards me.

But - reality check (which I'm not too comfortable even writing about here, but here I am doing so anyway, hey ho): I'm so not a good wife. SO very not. I nag and I put down, and I'm just rubbish at putting my husband first. This past year I have really started to be aware of the MAJOR problem in that, and desiring to change, and praying about it. But I am pretty rubbish at actually doing anything about it as well, it seems.

I am not doing great with my little ones. Jemma is probably my only blog reader who has actually seen me in person in the last year or so, with my little ones, and she thinks I'm an oasis of calm around them, and very patient! This shows me how I must be pretty good at the surface stuff, and that is not a good thing either. I see what I WANT with bringing up my children. I desire to stay at home ALWAYS, never go to work but to stay and raise my little ones. I want to homeschool, and to train them up in the way they should go, to teach them to obey me, to teach them about Jesus and to love him and follow him. I want to enjoy them and provide them with happy, stimulated childhoods, and fond memories. And equip them well for adulthood in this world. At the same time I want to be more organised, and keep house better than I do - keep it clean and so on. And I'd LOVE to let loose on cooking and baking more! I really enjoy that, and have a real heart for becoming great at making nutritious healthy meals for my family BY MYSELF, without convenience foods.

Now, these are just things I really aspire to do, and many of them are basic needs that I must meet also. I have no desire to stop having children at any point, lol! I love that part too, and don't just want to finish having babies already and get on with raising them.

BUT - big flaw in the plan: I'm so bad at it :( Trust me, I am not having a pity party or looking for attention. I yell at my kids for a good portion of each DAY. I am too rough with them physically, some of the time. I feel utterly and completely OUT OF CONTROL with Arthur, and to a large degree, Matthew as well. Their behaviour is absolutely dreadful lately, it's getting worse and worse. I honestly despair most days of what on earth to do about it. I never say here. I don't want to hear any more comments about sending them to school/nursery, or ways I am not disciplining them right, or should be disciplining them instead. I feel like we've tried EVERYTHING with Arthur.

I simply want him to obey. If he obeyed me, I can't see any problems for us as a family. I know that sounds odd but I haven't got time or emotional strength to explain what I mean any more right now. Everything we're struggling with on a day-to-day basis, and everything we have anxiety about in the future, is a struggle or an anxiety entirely because of Arthur's behaviour and complete lack of obedience. So I figure, if I want him to obey, I should just REQUIRE him to obey and follow through to ensure that happens. NOT so easy, apparently. He is so very rude now, talking back and using horrible tones of voice and nasty faces, in response to even the suggestion of discipline. He doesn't do as he's asked, ever. Well, that's not true, occasionally he does, and it surprises me when he does so I know it's occasional!

His attitude is just shocking to me lately, and I know there's really not likely to be any other explanation other than poor parenting, in one way or another (or many ways!), and that's just upsetting and demoralising and difficult and confusing and depressing.

Matthew is quickly going "off the rails" because he's following Arthur. When the two of them play me up between them, I can't talk over their mocking and rudeness and laughter, because they maintain a constant noise of it so they tune me out while I'm sitting RIGHT in front of their faces on their level, saying their names over and over to get them to LISTEN TO ME, dangit! They won't listen to me. I don't know how to make them! I'm so ashamed to write that sentence, in fact, I'm surprised to find that I'm crying as a result of reading it back now. I feel so ASHAMED. What kind of mother can't make her 2 and 4-year-olds simply stop and listen to her no matter what she does or says?

And when they are mocking me like that and I've said their names louder and louder and louder like 8 times in a row, throwing in, "LISTEN to me!" here and there, and they still laugh and yell, "Poo-willy, blahhhhh!" and so on, I honestly start to reach a point where I am afraid I will hurt them with intent, because I feel so angry and helpless and gosh darnit they're supposed to do as their Mummy says! Why can't I get them to?! It happens DOZENS of times each and every day, and it's driving me crazy. If I send them to the corner or to the porch, or the sofa, or some sort of time-out, they run away from me and wedge themselves into corners that I can't get them out of (especially in my condition now), or they flop to the floor laughing and pull against me when I try to lead them by the hand. I can't manhandle them now, I'm too pregnant and they're getting too big.

Uhhhhoooww, I'm absolutely SOBBING, who knew?! I think I am just crying because I'm so sad and ashamed to admit this about MYSELF, and also I'm so sad to admit to anyone that my children aren't the sweeties they might have been thought of as. I love them so I don't WANT anyone to read this and think, "Urgh, what horrible kids!" It just makes me cry to think that. I've thought about writing about this issue for a good while and that's been a reason why I haven't. I don't want people to think my children are little horrors. They are behaving so horribly though, and I'm starting to feel dislike for them sometimes, though I love them so very much. We have good windows each day, and happy things go on. I am just totally not in control of the day or the children, and I don't know why or what to do about it.

I need to stop yelling at the kids, because that is a daft thing to do, and they will only be yelling because *I* yell in the first place. They won't go to time-outs and if they DO, they are there for a very very long time because they are so rude and horrible while they're there, and won't stay put. They bang on the doors or walls with whatever they can grab, or just their hands. It's so so easy to just totally lose my temper with them, and Neil finds this too. I lose my temper a lot now. I'm reading through the anger management book I bought, but so far I haven't found anything that will help me deal with strongly triggered anger THAT NEEDS DEALING WITH as it's being triggered, right there in the moment, over and over again. So far it's all about walking away and cooling off, and restraining your initial response. I can't figure out how I'm supposed to do that without walking away from my responsibility to be consistent and see that they are disciplined properly at the time they need it. It's when they're disciplined that they behave the worst, and I can't just walk away from that responsibility, so I can't get away to cool off. Even if I DID, I would have to come back to it again, and get right back into the anger-triggering situation that's continuing on.

I'm so very fed up with it all. I am praying about it such a lot, but I don't know what to do, and I feel the boys slipping out of my grip with each day that passes. It affects the whole day and delays everything that we do, causes noise and stress for a good part of the day in total, and I hate that Nathan is there watching it all and hearing so much shouting. He's a treasure - showing signs of tantrums and mischievous behaviour, but a complete treasure nonetheless! ;) I hate that he's exposed to this daily, hourly even. I don't really go out with the boys lately because it's easier and they're actually happy (I know you won't believe me having read this far!) enough at home. They have a few hours in the garden every day, we read, we do puzzles, we're cutting down on TV (though it's back up somewhat from my last post about it), Arthur has a reading and writing lesson every morning now (which I keep meaning to write about!), and Nathan's naps are regular and straight-forward for the most part. I get meals at regular times, and they help with the housework and enjoy it. We don't get as many crafts done as we would all like, but other than that they don't seem to want to go and do other things, or act bored nearly as much as they used to. I could certainly be doing a lot more with them if I was doing a better job. But I'm not doing a great job right now.

Anyway. Their behaviour makes me anxious about taking them anywhere, because they wil. not. obey me. On anything. Safety issues even. Why can't I MAKE them?!?! It's my responsibility!!! They're only 2 and 4!!! I should be able to just MAKE them obey me, surely?! I feel such a failure, and yet I can't think of how to fix it, which makes me feel even more of a failure - if I'm doing so badly at the job, at least I should know what I'm doing wrong and what to do about it, even if I can't seem to do it! Urgh. But I can't. I seem to spend hours trawling through forums on the internet, searching for HELP, ideas, new methods, instructions on the old methods, anything!

So. I am not doing well. I know I'm feeling upset so this is more exaggerated than it REALLY is, but I feel that I suck at being a mother - to anyone older than a toddler at least. I'm good at being a loving mummy to babies and toddlers! :) But that's not much use if I flop so miserably at parenting children after they grow out of toddlerhood! It does not bode well! I have four children heading for the stage that I'm flopping miserably at, at a rate of knots!!! Help!

I am also just not doing well as a wife. And I know that over all of this (and most importantly) I am God's child. My relationship with him is of the utmost importance. At least I am not shutting him out or walking far from him at this stage in my life, but MAN I could be doing better there too. And that doesn't leave much else in life that I feel I'm doing well at.

I feel a bit lost and utterly silly, and I don't know what to do about any of it, other than pray, and I HAVE been praying. I will pray more, but I don't know what will change or how. I know that shows lack of faith in God, but I'm just being honest.

PLEASE don't suggest any away-from-me activities for my boys. I really am 100% not interested in them being away from me for school, activities, or anything right now, and it doesn't matter the circumstances at home. I know the vast majority of my readers are not for homeschooling, and lots of them also think I SHOULD be doing something for the boys that isn't at home or with me or something. But I am 100% firm in my confidence that I am not supposed to be doing that. I feel God on that one very strongly, for me personally and for the boys personally, at this time. They are to stay close to me. I even feel that to do otherwise at this particular time would be a bad move, even though that will probably confuse or even annoy lots of my readers after the stuff I've just revealed here tonight. But I can't explain it any better just now. I'm just not open to any sort of activity that's not at home or with me if it's out of the house. And out of the house is getting difficult because of their behaviour, my increasing pregnantness, and don't get me started on how many people take virally infectious children to gatherings of children in full knowledge of passing said viruses onto the other children and their families!!! NOT something to go into this time, but it's a major major peeve for me and always has been. Thank goodness it's nearly the end of the worst germy season (and by the way, I do not keep my kids from socialising in general, I just draw the line at playgroups and even church creche this winter, because mothers are literally taking sick and infectious children there every ding dong week! I can't stand it! I would NEVER do that! Tsk!).

I feel pretty vulnerable after all that I've said here tonight, and not overly comfortable with anyone and everyone reading it really. But it's good to write it all out, and I don't really want to hide it away I suppose. There's also an off-chance that someone might be able to help me in some way because of putting it out there! You never know! ;) It feels pretty hopeless to me right now, but in reality I know there must be a way, and it must surely get better. I need to change, myself, though. Obviously. I'm a little nervous about comments I might get (you understand?), so I'm thinking if I get any unkind ones then I might moderate or disable or something new-fangled and Bloggerish (to me, anyway! I'm new to Blogger!), or simply delete so as to not feel upset any more than I do.

Well, I guess I will go to bed! It's so late. Urggghhh, 3am! I will so regret this in the morning. I prayed last night that God would help me somehow do okay for the children today on the little sleep I got, and he really did answer my prayers! Today I set myself a more minimal "list" than the usual Motivated Moms schedule of housework. I just wanted to get the dishwasher done, some laundry, clean SOMETHING (never mind what), make the beds, read to the boys, and do Arthur's school. And make sure they got out in the garden. I did all those things, and I know that I've missed all the vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom this week, but I'm just trying to ignore that and be happy with having checked off my modified list today. I'm going to have to get happy with that kind of thing anyway near the end of my pregnancy, so this is good practise!

Oh, I forgot to say - I bought "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons" by Siegfried Engelman, to do with Arthur. I've had my eye on it since before he was 2 years old! I found reference to it at a homeschooling blog years ago, and kept it in mind. I forgot about it till recently, and then did some research on it, read a LOT of reviews, and bought it! We started the day after it arrived in the post, after I did all the preparation (quite a bit!). It only takes 15 minutes per day, and we always go upstairs to the boys' room and do Arthur's lesson after I put Nathan down for his morning nap. We do a lesson every day, even at weekends. It only arrived last week, so today was Lesson 6. It starts as basic as it can possibly get, just learning sounds (not the alphabet). Today Arthur read "me"! In 2 days he starts reading 3-letter words. He is also learning to write whatever sounds we learn (4 letters so far, "m", "a", "e" and "s"), which is going okay. He has never held a pencil properly before really, for the purpose of writing, and he's got to learn that as well as forming the letters, but he's doing well. I feel relieved just to be DOING something, homeschooling-wise. Even though that's silly, because I know there's no actual need for him to have any sort of formal homeschooling yet - he's only 4! I wasn't going to do anything formal till 5 or 6. But I think he's ready to read, and I'm keen to teach him. It gives us some time together and another activity to persue. And honestly, I'm relieved to be able to say I'm DOING something with him, to all the family and friends who keep asking. *sigh* I don't want to push him, of course. But I hope he enjoys it and finds learning to read rewarding!

Okay, bedtime for SURE. It's raining outside, I've just realised. I think it's meant to rain for days now, after a week of no rain. I like the rain so that's okay by me, and my pansies will be happy too :) The boys will still go in the garden for as long as they'll put up with such an activity, lol! They just have raincoats and waterproof dungarees and wellies for this kind of weather. Even Nathey has his own little set!! He's so adorable in it, tottering along behind his big brothers with his wispy baby hair sticking out of the hood! I love him soooooo.

*sigh*


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Monday, 6 April 2009

Diaryland....

Uh-ohhh.... I am a bit nervous that the inevitable has happened and Diaryland has suddenly disappeared out of existance. Yesterday I could access it fine. The day before I wrote an entry in my pregnancy diary there, even. But tonight (for the last few hours), my pregnancy diary is a broken link, and so is the main diaryland url and the members area, etc. They do sometimes have down times and server problems, but I have never had a broken link message before :(

I'm SO annoyed with myself because for the last two days I have had this itch to hurry and dump as much of my pregnancy diary posts into a Blogger blog (I started one a couple of months ago with the same name: alicesbaby.blogspot.com, but it's empty as yet) as I could. I kept feeling anxious that Diaryland could "go under" at any moment - though there was nothing to warrant that, just an anxiety about the fact that there aren't really many users online lately, and it seems quiet there. If it's gone then I have lost my pregnancy diary, which I have kept since we were first thinking about trying for our first baby, at the beginning of 2003. EVERYTHING is recorded there. The only reason I didn't transfer it here sooner, when I transferred THIS blog, is that I found it hard enough to copy and paste 269 diary entries (!!!) for this blog, and when I saw there were like 575 posts on my pregnancy diary I sort of went mentally weak at the knees and put it off! ;) Well, I should have just stuck to it and done the job, because it would have been so worth it. Now I have lost my diary and I feel so sad about it.

It isn't a total loss though, because I guess there's a chance that it's just some server problem?? Isn't there?!?! Please?! I'm thinking broken link is NOT a good sign, and I have no idea how to find out what's happened. Tsk. Also, I did once have gold membership that a couple of precious readers bought for me back when you didn't get priority to post to your diary if you weren't a gold member and the server was super busy (it sounds such a rubbish place, doesn't it!!) - thank goodness I did because being a gold member allowed me to back up my diary at that point in time (which you can't do unless you buy gold!! Soooo bad, now that I think about it! Tsk!). So, I have backed up my pregnancy diary in very basic text form on a HUGE document, up till 22 weeks pregnant with Nathan :(

This is GOOD, because I have saved all my diary entries from when we were trying for a baby at the beginning, and ALL of Arthur's pregnancy, his arrival and first 6 months, ALL of Matthew's pregnancy, his arrival and first 7 weeks, and the first half of Nathan's pregnancy. BUT, I'm so very very sad because I still have lost so much - the second whole half of my pregnancy with Nathan, the posts I made from the hospital whilst in labour and in the middle of the nights on the postnatal ward after his early arrival (so special to me), and his first few months. PLUS everything from this pregnancy in its entirety :( I'm so sad about that. I'm glad to have not lost it all but still so sad about what I have lost. I have lost all the photo references, though I have all the photos on the computer and laptop somewhere. And my belly galleries and ultrasound galleries are gone, and birth stories too - I don't think I have copies of my birth stories! Oh I'm so annoyed at Diaryland!!! Why don't places ever give notice that they're going under!!!! I sort of knew they wouldn't, which is why I got this blog and transferred my arthursmummy diary here. How I WISH I had just not been so lazy and got my precious pregnancy journal transferred too.

I hope I'm wrong and it's all back to normal tomorrow, but I can't help but think the broken link thing is evidence that it's gone for ever. It's so mean to pull the rug out from the users there like that - a little warning that things were coming to that would have been a basic courtesy! :( If it DOES come back, I will use my every waking (spare!) moment to move diary entries over to Blogger, starting with the most recent.

Urgh. :(



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