Benjamin catch-up: Part Two! :)

Well, it has taken me longer than I expected to write part two of my Benjamin catch-up post! But here I am! The last post had lots of photos in it, and this one was meant to be the "wordy" part. BOY is it wordy - I hope you have a spare HOUR if you plan to read it all, haha! ;) But it turned out to also have a ton of photos anyway, of all the boys together :) Thank you so much for the comments on my last post!! Benjamin DOES look like Neil, but Neil doesn't really see it. He says he sometimes thinks Benjamin is the image of me, but I don't see it either! ;) Benjamin looks most like Arthur, and Arthur IS the image of Neil, so I guess it makes sense that Benjamin must look more like Neil too!

So let's see... I have a million things to write about Benjamin, but I can't really think where to get started! I just love him SO much, I can hardly believe it sometimes. I still catch sight of myself holding him in the mirror and just have an adrenaline rush at the fresh realisation that he's my FOURTH son! I just feel overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness that God has seen fit to bless me with four sons! And this little tiny sweetie is going to be a big brother in December. I almost cannot get my head around it, I am just so amazed at God's blessings upon me! We had our 12 week scan this week. If you are interested in such things, I have a pregnancy blog which I update about every week of my pregnancy, or more if I get chance. I posted all the pics and details about the scan there, but I will say here, going by the angle of this baby's genital tubercle (a valid method of gender determination at this stage!), this baby is looking very much like another boy! ;) Which does not surprise me in the LEAST! But I am lost for words AGAIN - if it's really true - FIVE sons?!?! How wonderful! We will find out for sure at the 21 week scan at the end of July so I will be sure to update here about it then too.

So, my Benjaminny. Well, let's start with all the crazy nicknames he has, as is the lot of each of my poor children, haha! I am ALWAYS embarrassed to actually publicly share the names that come out of my mouth to address my little ones, it just makes me squirm because I feel so SILLY! But if I don't share them at my blog, they really really will just get forgotten over time, and they make my heart swell with such mushiness and love when I say them, that I want to record them for prosperity more than I care about the public humiliation! ;) I could write them on paper somewhere, but I think I would be likely to lose it.

He is NOT Ben. The one derivative of Benjamin that he has never ever been called is Ben. Yet it's the one that people often assume to call him - like the nurse or even Neil's siblings! I don't know why (and it shouldn't!) but it really bugs me! Why have they presumed to call him Ben?! Just because the rest of the world shortens Benjamin to Ben, why assume that we do too, unless you have heard US using it first?! I feel so snotty correcting people, for some reason, it just makes me feel like I come across uptight by correcting them that it's Benjamin, not Ben. But anyway! He has allllll the other nicknames :) Nearly all of them stem from Benj.. not Ben. 'J' is in nearly all of them.

Most commonly, he is Benji. The boys call him this most of the time, probably followed by Benj, Benjamin, and Benjaminny, in that order. I probably use Benjamin/Benji the most, but I call him a million different versions as well. I do use Benj a lot, but often will not stop there. If you are prone to nervous eye-twitches or bouts of nausea, do feel free to scroll down until the listing ends! ;)

Here are a few off the top of my head, which just roll off my tongue - some even surprise me, lol!...

* Benjumps (probably one of the names I call him the most at the moment, just for the way it sounds rather than anything to do with jumping!)
* Benjumpy (this too)
* Benjalumps
* Benjumpalumps
* Benjumpalumpadumps (here we go...)
* Benjalumpadumpalumps (see?!)
* Benjaminx (used on specific occasions, when he's being a monkey!)
* Benjamonkey (as previous!)
* Benjabumps
* Benjabumples
* Benjabean
* Benjaboo
* Benjamuffin

I think those are the main name-related ones! Then there are the general nicknames. (deep breath!) He's my...

* Baby Man! (I love this simple one! None of the others have had any nickname like this one, but from birth, for some reason, Benjamin just HAS been my Baby Man! That's what he is, literally. A baby man. Awww my heart-strings!!! Just the thought makes me want to squeeze him! *sigh*
* Sweet Manny, or just "Manny" (from the Baby Man one)
* Little Man-Man
* Little Manalan
* Muffin man. This one also ends up sillier - Muffin-woo, and Muffin-woo-loo, for example.

"Woo-loo" gets added to a lot of nicknames if I'm feeling particularly adoring towards my little ones! Eg. Manny-woo-loo, Benji-woo-loo, etc. I do hope everyone opted to scroll past this list! :S Now, I don't use these names when I am using a "don't touch that cable!" tone of voice, of course! ;) That's just a very firm, "Benjamin!" Rest assured that if I'm using the more queasy-making of names on this list, I am always either smooshing him to my cheek, or barely resisting eating him right up as I'm kissing his little face or tummy, that kind of thing! The mushy name just helps to express/enhance how I am feeling at that moment. Ohhhhh I do SO love that squidgy little baby boy! :)

I'm just trying to think if there are any that I have left off the list that I use quite a lot?...

* Little wumpump (no idea where that came from)
* Dubbly (lil Dubbly) (again, no idea!)

Ohhh, I have remembered some that WILL induce nausea. Don't say I didn't warn you! They came from his sweet soft soft hair that stands up a bit after it's washed and dry. Aw! :)

* Fluffsy-woo-loo (or just fluffle)
* Little fluffalump
* P. Fluffidge (or Mr. P. Fluffidge. Or just Fluffidge!)

When he is sleepy, he rubs his nose and squeezes his eyes shut, and kind of makes a snuffly noise with it. He has done that since he was teeny tiny, and it melts my heart! I think it's from that little mannerism that he gets called:

* Little snuffler
* Snuffidge
* Snufflet
* Snuffy (probably the one currently used the most), and of course the obvious "Snuffy-woo-loo"! ;)

Oh dear! I think that's it, at least for now! ;) Glad to have that part over and done with, and I hope you are all feeling well still, haha! It would be so much more comfortable to never tell a SOUL about the crazy names I use for my babies! ;)

BREAKING NEWS TODAY!!! Benjamin cut his first tooth! :D He will be 11 months old in 4 days, but I could see it coming for at least a week. It's the right top middle tooth - the very same one that Nathan cut first! I suspect his other top front tooth is going to come through either tomorrow or the next day. It looks just as imminent as this one has, but it started a day after the one he cut today. Nathey was 11 months and 3 weeks old when he cut that first top tooth, so there's obviously a genetic-ish pattern going on for those two! Arthur and Matthew were 8 and 7 months old, and did the more traditional pattern in the same order as each other - bottom 2 middles first, top front two and then the right lateral incisor at the top. NOT SO with Nathan - he really surprised me! So I am feeling relieved to see Benjamin follow his pattern! Nathan didn't get any bottom teeth for AGES, till well after he turned one, and he already had 4 at the top I think by then! But Benjamin's left bottom front tooth is pressing white and raised against his gum. No "erosion" mark on the gum yet like with the top two, but I think he may cut that one in the next week or two. No signs of any other teeth coming to the surface yet though! Soon his sweet darling gummy smile will be part of my memories instead of my daily joy! I adore his gummy smiles, and I will miss them so much! I know his toothy smile will be precious too, and the gummy season has to end sometime, so it's okay! :)

He has not had much trouble with teething so far. He's been drooling and gnawing in a fussy way on his hands and things for almost as many months as he's been out of my womb, lol! So we haven't noticed any particularly worsened symptoms recently. We just saw the changes on his gum and knew those teeth were coming. He has been really unsettled a few evenings running, but not seeming in pain or anything like that - no hands to his mouth or anything. He sometimes does that anyway, and it's often just wind or else just "changes" as he heads towards some new motor skill or something like that. I don't know why that should make him wakeful, but with my experience of these things now, I know that's what it is! ;) This morning he was up at 4.45am for the day. Fun times! ;) I know (in my "mama-knower") that it is somehow tied to the fact that he is determined to stand unsupported in the very near future!

Benjamin is now cruising quite comfortably around the furniture, and against walls and doors as well now. It took him a while to stand at the sofa without seeming wobbly, and cruising seemed to be a similar adjustment. He's by far the latest in standing and cruising amongst my boys, and the others all seemed strong and picked it up with ease from the start (around 7 or 8 months old). Benjamin is just a different baby. He is more vocal, I *think*, than all the others though, at this age. I can't really be sure unless I check my blog entries though... He IS on track with the others at trying to stand unsupported though, funnily enough. They all started trying that at 10 months. Anyway, he is cruising and starting to try to get stable and then let go when he's holding onto my knee or something, standing up. He has let go a couple of times, and stayed standing for 3 seconds and then banged down on his bottom on the floor! He usually acts shocked and upset about the banging down, but hopefully it won't put him off too much.

Benjamin does this sweet little thing which I know I will not be able to explain properly in typed out words, but I will try. Even if it doesn't come across properly, at least it will serve as a memory boost for me in the future when I read it back, and I will probably know what I was talking about! ;) He has a serious face that he suddenly puts on with a furrowed brow (esp. his eyebrows and bridge of his nose - boy oh boy he has Neil's brow! Neil's DAD'S brow, to be more specific! None of the other boys share this so clearly!). He puts on (and it IS put on! Very dramatic, but he can flash this look on and off any time he wants to!) a very sad/anxious look in his eyes, and makes his mouth into - how to describe it?? - a little tight O shape with his top lip pulled tighter than the bottom lip. He dips his head a touch sometimes to one side, for effect! ;) And as he makes this face, he also makes a little worried "Oooh!" or "Ohhh!" sound through that little tight O shape. When he first used to do it, months ago, I used to wonder what was wrong and see if he was okay. He will be playing peekaboo, smiling and beaming as he pops out from the curtain or towel or whatever he's pulling over his face, and then one of the times I say, "THERE he is!!" and go to tickle his chin, instead of squealing and smiling, he'll pull on The Face and the little "Ohhhh!" sound, as though he's not at all sure about it after all. But I have learnt that he just DOES this, almost for the reaction - not at all to do with feeling the way he looks! Sometimes I almost see the twinkle in his eye as he pulls his face into that look, but he's good at hiding the twinkle once The Face is on! Now, I usually copy his face as best I can and say, "Ohhh!" back to him in the same way, and he instantly changes his face back to normal. Sometimes he smiles like he has been cheeky, and sometimes he just acts like nothing at all just took place! Funny baby boy! :) He currently does this countless times a day. It's just one of his things. He does also do it when he's GENUINELY unsure, but it has an added urgency to it that I am beginning to recognise as real insecurity. If he has pulled up against a chair and it wobbles and he clutches at it with wide eyes, as soon as he's stable again, he shoots that look at me with worried eyes and the "Ohhh!" and I reassure him properly. If I possibly can, I really must try to get a photo of him doing The Face. Then you can know what I mean, and I can have it captured for ever! :)

Wow, this is getting to be a long entry and I have so much more I want to write about my smallest sweetie pie!

He LOVES his brothers. Loves loves loves them. Arthur was the type of baby that the health visitors and books and doctors talk about in terms of the usual development, in that he played ALONGSIDE other babies and toddlers until he was somewhere between 18 months and 2 years old. All my babies since then have not done that, but I think it's to do with not being the only very young child in the home maybe? I still get babycentre emails that remind me that babies do not interact and play WITH other children or babies until later, and that it's normal development. Arthur was an only child at that stage, but Matthew began proper interaction and eagerly initiating playing WITH Arthur (wrestling him to the ground, trying to push cars along with Arthur in a shared game, etc) at 8 months old! Nathan was similar, though way less boisterous, lol! Matthew is unique in that respect, amongst my children! ;) Benjamin has been the same way, interacting and trying to play WITH his brothers for many months already now, even before he could crawl. He gets cross and makes a loud angry straining noise if they block his way because they don't want him to spoil a car park they've built or a railway track! He likes to take part! But unfortunately (as the boys are now well experienced with!), 10-month-old babies like to think they are playing when they're pulling apart a train track, or yanking Duplo off the Duplo board, or gleefully smashing up the neatly lined-up cars! Wheeeee, it's all part of a FUN GAME with my brothers!!! :) Poor boys! They are very good about it, and they are encouraged to lay out big games like that during Benjamin's naps, just in the same way as we did when it was Nathan smashing things up at this age. That way they get several "protected" hours a day! ;)

Benjamin IS starting to drive cars along the floor properly though, and he also sometimes makes "brrrrm" noises with it (sooooo sweet with his little dribbly bottom lip slightly sticking out as it vibrates!). The boys are so excited and get all high-pitched about it when they see him doing this! They LOVE the idea of more little boys to play cars with! They all play together at big car games (the older three) and are eager for Benji to join in when he's able! I know Benjamin is so so eager to be able!

He puts things in and takes things out of containers and bags. He is beginning to sit with board books and turn the pages and touch all the textured bits on the pages, just by himself, as the others have done from early on. We have a LOT of kiddie books around always. A craaaazy amount! ;) The boys all spend a lot of time looking through books, many times a day, and usually spontaneously. On occasion when they are just about to smash up the furniture with some over-excitable game, I call out for everyone to sit down with a story! And they do, happily! Not because they are obedient little treasures who always stop a fun rowdy game to instantly obey Mummy (working on this - looonnnng way to go!), but because they LOVE sitting down with a story. They usually sit in a row on the sofa and pass books they've finished looking at down the line. Benjamin often pulls up at the sofa and watches them, standing or kneeling there, as though he would love to be joining in. Bless his heart! I want to tell him, "Soon, darling! You'll be able to sit with them soon!" because he seems so urgent about it sometimes! I took some photos (quite a lot of photos!) of one or two of these frequent occasions about a month ago. I will upload them and add them here before posting it:

Here's the picture of Benjamin watching the boys, taken in April (9 months old, or nearly...):



Here's a sweet little progression of photos from another occasion where I decided to put him out of his misery and lift him onto the sofa with the boys. All but Matthew immediately put their books down to enjoy Benjamin on the sofa! They LOVE him, and I'm so blessed that they all get on and see each other as best friends! We do encourage this, and don't generally allow negative behaviour, but I still think it mostly just comes naturally for them, which is lovely! Matthew was very engrossed in browsing through a Thomas activity book, hehe! And yes, I do need to re-hem that curtain! I realised it was in shot about halfway through, and tucked it out of the way! :S





















That last one is Arthur to a T! ;) He is bright and lively and cheeky, pretty much 14 out of 24 hours! He needs less sleep than the others do, and his brain never seems to slow down! He is loving and affectionate, and bossy and impatient, and is full of personality (good and bad news!). He's the most wonderful biggest brother to this little bunch of boys, and they all love him. I think he knows and likes this part too! ;) Matthew is quite a different character! Notice how he's calmly "reading" his book while Benjamin holds him by his hair, haha! He may be only three (nearly four!!), but he's very much used to this kind of action and also happens to be a steady type. I love my boys! :)

I have a few more photos, from around a similar time (Benjamin must have been just turning 9 months old I think). They were all sitting on the living room floor having just finished a quick snack. Matthew still had some cracker and cut-up grapes, and Benjamin was so funny, coveting Matthew's snack! ;) He really does covet other people's food, and he's NOT subtle about it, hehe! Look at the way he's trying to use his eyes to move that food towards him! ;) Poor Matthew was trying to protect his snack, but he ended up giving in at the end! He did get more, and he wasn't too put out about it!

"Hmmm, that cracker looks nice...."


"Yummy cracker! Hmmm, those grapes look nice...."






Okay, I have a LOT more to write, and actually now I think about it, probably more photos that I haven't uploaded yet. Sooo I will have to make a Part Three!! I'm starting to write more about the other boys too, which is fine as I need to catch up on everyone really! So, more coming soon, hopefully! :)

Benjamin catch-up: 7 - 10 months!

Not only have I generally neglected my blog, but I just checked it to see when I last posted anything about Benjamin, and it was a couple of paragraphs (no pics!) at 8 months old!! Tsk tsk! So, I hereby dedicate a blog entry to my sweet little baby boyble. Hopefully with photos! I will scan through my hard drive to see what I have - probably quite a bit since the last time I posted any photos (except for the ones with Neil a month ago).

What can I say about Benjaminny? Or, better question, how on earth am I going to scale down the number and intensity of my thoughts, feelings and memories thus far about him into a bunch of mere typed-out words?! This might be a bit stop-starty, so perhaps I can write it over a couple of days, just to be sure that I do a thorough job? Even if nobody is really allll that interested (but I do think some are!), I need a good blog post for my own records. It's my only record of my little ones growing up right now, so I need to write about my little ones in this blog for ME! :)

Okay, I have just searched way back in my blog to see when I did actually post photos of Benjamin! I do post some at Facebook and I guess I was doing that with the intention of also posting here, but then not getting round to it! Bad Mummy! :S So I think the last proper photo of Benjamin was at almost 7 months old!!! So without further ado, I will catch this blog up on photos of my little Pea Pie! :)

When he turned 7 months old, I took a BUNCH of photos of Benjamin. The boys and Neil went out while Benjamin napped, and when he woke I dressed him up in something other than a sleepsuit, and took some photos! Here are a few of my favourites:













So now just a couple more months to catch up to now! There are so many photos, and it's harder to pick my favourites to post than I thought it would be! Here is my sweetie at 8 months old - he started pulling up to kneel at everything at 8 months, so it was a milestone that I photographed when he first started doing it! In the first photo he was really pleased with himself because he had pulled up at the toy basket for the first time. I came in from the kitchen and found him there smiling at me! The smiliest photos were blurry but I like this one a lot too! :)





In this next one, the colour is a bit funny, and Benjamin is just looking a bit caught in the headlights! But I remember when I uploaded it, thinking how much older he looked to me in this photo. His hair had just begun to grow in much faster than before. He was 8 months and 3 weeks old here:



Chewing on a toy and grinning at me around it! :)



Here is Benjamin the day he turned 9 months old. These photos are in poor light and rather grainy and dark, BUT they are important and special! That day, we put away his Amby Hammock that he had been sleeping in (part-time - half the night he was, and still is, in bed with me), got down the toddler bed from the loft, and put Nathan in a big boy bed for the first time! Nathan did wonderfully right from the start and rarely falls out. He was eager to do the swap over as soon as I suggested it, and didn't give a backwards glance to the cot he'd slept in from a few months old! He was eager to give it to Benjamin, and that's just what we did that very same day! :) Benjamin sleeps fine in the cot, and didn't have any adjustment problems at all. He seemed frustrated in his Amby at 8 months, waking more frequently and doing stomach crunches, as though he wanted to sit up or roll onto his side but that isn't possible in a hammock of course! From the outset, he has consistently rolled onto his side to fall asleep in the cot, though he sleeps on his back and tummy as well. My instinct was right - he WAS trying to independently shift positions, and does seem to be a baby who wants to change position all night long in his sleep. I'm glad we switched him, and in hindsight I wish we had shifted him to the cot much earlier, maybe at 5 or 6 months? Anyway. Here he is in the cot! The first one is when we put him in it RIGHT after I finished putting it together in our room. He was very happy! The second one is Benjamin asleep in the cot the same day at bedtime, for the very first time! :)





Here are a couple of photos of my precious little man at 9 and a half months old (he was going for my camera in the second one) - nearly caught up! :)





Standing at the sofa! He started pulling to stand properly and easily at 9 months (he started trying at 8 months but was soooo wobbly, and his little legs quivered so sweetly when he tried at first!):



Benjamin is almost 10 months in these next few photos. I was feeling really yucky and sick, and (again!) the boys had gone to the park with Neil. Benjamin woke up cranky from his nap, and breastfed for a long time, and STILL was cranky. The only thing that cheered him up in the end was the cords from my drawstring waist on my trousers! He now LOVES drawstring cords on trousers, and will chew on the ends for ages, haha!







And at LAAAAST I think I am almost caught up on photos of Benjamin!! :) These next three were taken within the last week. The first one seemed over-exposed in colour but really nice in black and white, so I am keeping it that way. He has a serious expression (he was sooo ready for a nap!) but I love how clear his sweet little facial features are:



These two were taken only a couple of days ago, and are just quick snapshots really. I took a few that didn't come out well because he was BUSY and doing stuff all the time, and thus blinking, looking down unexpectedly, or just blurry, lol! Lately Benjamin wants to show me things a lot. He picks things up and holds them out to me with his eyebrows all high up, as though he's asking me about it, or asking what I think of what he's showing me. I tell him what the object is, and then he usually wants to give it to me, so we play, "Thank you!" a lot - he likes to repeat this game over and over! In the first photo, he grabbed a handful of Nathan's jigsaw pieces out of the box (he's really getting into taking things OUT and putting things IN now), and held them out to me. Not a great photo, and he isn't doing the sweet questioning expression as he usually does, because he's gradually losing his balance trying to crawl and keep those pieces held out to me all at the same time, but I wanted it for a memory keeper anyway :)



Benjaminny looking older to me yet again! He's busy at the Duplo drawer (in the very grown-up piece of furniture that used to hold paperwork and phone books and photos and all that stuff, hehe! It still does hold some of that stuff, but those two bottom drawers are ideal for Duplo and the wooden road and rail sets. The boys use them daily, and tidy them into the low drawers with ease, and you'd never know we have toys once the drawers are closed! :) ). Look how much hair he's getting! I cut Nathan's hair today, and it's nice and neat and tidy, and Benjamin's hair in contrast looks long and untidy - it's the first time that has happened when I've cut the other boys' hair, so I wonder how long it will be before Benjamin has his first haircut? I don't want to cut it before he's one! I love sweet soft baby hair!



Okay, I'm SO excited to have finally caught up with the photos! :) There are a lot of photos of Benjamin with his brothers that I want to post, and they belong in a Benjamin catch-up post as well really, but I am beginning to wonder that this might be getting a bit photo-heavy now. I have hardly written anything of the WORDY memories that I wanted to preserve, but in any case it is now really late and I will need to save this in draft to finish another day. Or post as it is, and do a Part Two, since it's already long and I have so much more to add?!

I want to post things about what he eats, breastfeeding, his favourite things, foods, games, etc. About his sleep, the many nicknames he has, what his laugh sounds like, the things I love the very MOST about him, interactions with his brothers, how he has eczema now (boo!) and that he's started his immunisations after I delayed them by 6 months. About his clothes sizes, his routine, and so on. But that's a lot to write! I'm nervous to post it and leave it as it is, because I know I'm good at planning to update or finish updating, and then NEVER getting around to it! I don't want to leave this unfinished, or I will have no record of these sweet memories as the months and years go by. If you are thinking to wait until Part Two is up before commenting (if you were going to), please would you comment on this one also, if there's anything you want to say? In all honesty, when I finally update with photos after a long gap and get no comments, that's usually when I don't get around to updating again. It SHOULDN'T bother me, but I find it a bit depressing and suddenly have no motivation to post for a bit after that. I really really (really!) love hearing from friends, and it really makes my day to get comments on posts! So please do! :) I WILL post again when I can in any case, because I do so want to have a complete "record" of Benjamin's milestones and my thoughts and feelings for him.

I can't believe he will have his first birthday in about 6 weeks!! Matthew will be 4 in two weeks, so I am focusing more on his birthday for now. He has chosen a motorbike cake for me to come up with, and I am slightly panicking! ;) Okay, LATE, so I am going. Thank you ever so much for the comments on my last post (ponderings about adoption). I'm glad I shared it here. April, I would love to have more links to blogs written by people who have adopted internationally! I read quite a few already, but would love to read more! :)

Ponderings from my heart on adoption...

I have no idea why I am opening blogger to "think aloud" when it distinctly feels like this is sort of thing in a personal or spiritual journal, or something, instead. I know that blogger saves as you go, and I don't have to post anything that I don't want to, when it comes to it. And I might "think" nothing! I can't sort out my thoughts so perhaps nothing will happen.

My head really hurts tonight. I'm at the end of a bad cold and my sinuses are a bit messed up, and it has been warm today (which I am notoriously really BAD at, and often get headaches once it's over, say, 20 degrees (68F)!! ;) )

I'm just wondering... how I'm going to manage? A pointless musing because I already know that God will enable me. But I wonder about the stuff that is as yet unknown (to me), and how I'll manage that, on top of this?

Today I have had another one of the increasingly frequent pulls to my heart (from God, no mistaking Who it's from) about adoption. These pulls are like labour, now I have stopped to think about it. They have been coming for a while, at first just little twinges - who knew if it meant anything. Then more of the same, making me start to think, "Hmmm..." Then ever increasing pulls, stronger and lasting longer. I can't remember in terms of an actual time scale how long these have been going on, or how long ago the "real deal" pulls started - the ones where I began to KNOW that God means us to adopt a child who needs a mummy and daddy, one day. I did not need to dwell too heavily on WHEN, because it just wasn't urgent yet. These pulls are now coming closer and closer together, and hurt MUCH more when they arrive. There is more urgency to them. They linger longer on my heart and invade my thoughts and that time when I am supposed to have fallen asleep an hour ago when I got into bed. The lastest few that I've had (recent, including today's) have made something in my torso actually ache and throb, and I have been unable to hold back the tears for children who have nobody, who are like my little boys in age but who have NO-body to hold them and love them and comfort them when they are scared or in pain. Some of them are accustomed to it because they don't know any different, but inside they are dying of loneliness because a child needs love and affection (from a parent) like they need air or water, to thrive. My heart is particularly burdened for children who have a disability and live in a country where when they reach the age of 4 (Matthew will be 4 in a few weeks), they are ripped without warning from their orphanage and the children and adults they have known there (though it was no great existance in the first place) and put permanently into an institution. That's the cut-off age. Four. They stay there for the rest of their lives and I don't know if I could actually bear to know the details of what it is actually like to exist in one of those places. Food, nappy changes and contact with anyone are rare things (once in 24 hours I believe). Little ones can be chained to their cots, and are never touched. Forever? I can't fathom. And there are thousands and thousands of these children, heading towards that inevitable 4th birthday milestone.

I used to read that kind of thing and sort of do a "that's so AWFUL!" shudder, and then you know, shake my head and send up a quick prayer for God to "stop letting that happen" or something, and clicky click over to a happier website. As God started to soften my heart over these things, I would still click away fairly soon, trying to put it out of my head as quickly as possible once I'd finished reading about it, because otherwise it started to feel distinctly uncomfortable to my spirit and we can't have that now, can we?

Now, God is not giving me any choice. I don't go looking for stuff, He brings it to my attention. I sometimes hesitate to look because I know it will hurt to do so, but I am drawn to all the same. I read it, and I ache and I cry, because God uses my Mummy-heart to embrace those children and long for their relief, and to hold them and hold them and hold them and hold them and eventually start to feel that broken part inside them begin to mend and come back to life, because they are no longer lost or without somebody to love them. They have a mummy and a daddy, a home and a family, forever and ever, and under the shelter of that love they can begin to grow again and maybe even thrive one day. I want to be that mummy! I cannot BEAR any children to be left in the world feeling so broken and alone while I have my own incredibly blessed children and see them grow up and go to university (if they do!), and get jobs and have families, and sit back with my hubby in our retirement years and sigh a deep sigh of satisfaction when we look at our children, and think that we have now accomplished our goal of raising children. Because NO. I don't think that is God's plan for me. For us - Neil and I. How can our parenting be complete if it doesn't include drawing orphans into our family and calling them our own? Something about the mental image of myself with greying hair enjoying a quiet home and garden just makes me feel a bit nauseous. It's not that the image isn't refreshing, or inviting, but it just feels like it's time that should still be being USED, somehow. I would rather still be raising a bunch of pre-teens and teens who would otherwise be in goodness knows what condition in a very poor country somewhere than reading Gardener's World in my deck chair and feeling somewhat older in my bones. I would rather be exhausted in my older bones due to the effects of still doing something meaningful with children! I'm sure God is able to refresh me if I am working hard for Him! How can we go on our merry way with our own not-too-small brood of biological children and ignore the many many many needy orphans in the world. There are so many that you think, "How can I even make a difference? The problem is too huge!" It may not be a huge difference to the overall numbers and the enormity of the problem, but to one or two (or however many) orphans, the difference will be life-changingly massive (didn't someone say this, or something like it? It seems like a quote I might have heard once?!). I am not implying that everyone should be doing this, or that relaxing in retirement after raising a couple of kids is wrong! I am just looking at ME, and I do not think this is right for me personally - not because I wouldn't choose it, but because I believe God is planning something different for me.

I do wonder HOW though. I have come through "Hmmm..." and the various achy stages, to the point where I am now asking God through tears, "HOW do I reach them, Lord?!" Again, not a question to really even ask, because God is fully in control, and He will lead us to the child(ren) He plans for us. I wonder how on earth we can possibly adopt when we are up to our ears in very young children and babies, another currently being knit in my womb, and no plans to prevent God from having His way in opening or closing my womb in the future. HOW can we do it, Lord? HOW? What about my children's needs? I know my family will think it's so very wrong and terribly unfair to my children. But I know that any child we might adopt in the future is ALREADY pre-destined to be our child NOW. To say, "Look, bringing your child home is going to be so unfair to your other children!" is surely crazy?! They're ALL mine! Would anyone say that about Benjamin, when he was born into my arms?! Nope. He's mine. You'd never say I shouldn't keep THAT one because the others might have a harder time of it - he's already here! In the same way, the child we are meant to adopt is already MINE in my heart, even before I know about him or her! I guess it might be harder on my children? I don't know. I don't even know when God wants us to adopt? Maybe it won't be till our current children are much older? I don't know.

I do know that right now my children NEED me - they'll never stop needing me, but right now those needs are intense. They are all so young and require me in every possible way at all times! :) I wonder HOW I can add more? Even more biological children, but more so an adopted child, I suppose. Because it means travel, and focus, and time, and then I guess major adjustments for all concerned once the child is home. I am very naiive because I actually know next to nothing about it at all. I'm just thinking out loud right now. An adopted child is sure to have issues - how could they not, with what they have been through? Which could be hard on the other children? I don't know. And a child with disabilities or health problems will surely impact the other children in the family? I don't know. But I do know that SURELY the alternative is not worth considering?! - that of leaving it and never snatching that child up and loving them and embracing them as OURS. The alternative future for the child we never bring home is unthinkable, especially for those heading for an institution.

I homeschool. That is to say, I attempt to educate my eldest child at home and, for the most part, completely flop at it. *sigh* I guess it's our first year and so on, and I HAVE been morning sick for 2 months of it, but still. We have had WAY more days of NOT doing school than I am happy with so far this year. I have a lot of plans for school, and I know I CAN do a great job for my boys, but I am not sure how to bridge the gap between the confident plans and the ACTUALITY of it. I am nervous about it, and not too confident in myself, since I am so undisciplined and struggle to improve in that area.

I have no intention of NOT homeschooling, because it's another thing that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to do. I just need to seek God and really really LEAN on Him to help me and enable me to overcome my own set of hurdles and DO the job He intends me to do. But HOW do I homeschool five children and also adopt? I guess I should not think ahead so much. I would not have a clue how I could ever even SLIGHTLY manage to cope with 3 or 4 children, at one point not so long ago, never mind five, plus maybe more, plus homeschooling, plus maybe adoption! And I can perfectly well manage to "cope" with 3 or 4 children. So I have confidence in God, but not so much in myself. Which again is pointless thinking! Because the Bible says I can do all things through Him who gives me strength! ALL THINGS! So if I have no confidence that I can, then I do not believe God's Word. I guess it's RIGHT to have no confidence in myself, because again, the Bible says it's when I am WEAK that I am strong, because of God's strength poured out upon me! So without God, I am nothing. With Him, surely I can be all things to all people, as He works out His will in my life?

I guess I have answered my own ponderings then! HOW will I? I can't. But I will because somehow God will enable me. And I'll wait - I don't know how long, but until those pulls from God move into the "second stage" and begin to give birth to an actual plan.

I feel better for the purge of thoughts! :) A bit less achy and overwhelmed about it, and more comfortable to wait on God over it all.

I have so much else I want to write about other stuff! Things the boys are doing, school (I haven't updated about anything this year!), plans, photos, just endless stuff really. I must try to update again soon!

My Husband Rocks! - Daddy

A post! Yay! :) And there should be more to come soon. I have uploaded a ton of photos I want to post here. Some I will post at Facebook eventually but others not. I am missing visitors here and I think Facebook has something to do with it! So I will not post all of my stuff there any more. I also plan to update here more frequently. Still feeling nauseated as ever, but at nearly 10 weeks I'm hopeful that there are only a few more weeks before morning sickness will be behind me! :)

Today I want to do a "My Husband Rocks!" post, because, well, he really does. He is out of work right now (though paid double this month as the last month of pay from his previous employer) and he has been absolutely AMAZING to me while I have been exhausted and sick. I am able to lie-in considerably every day, nap when Benjamin naps, and generally flake out. I don't WANT to flake out! But that's something I seem to do a lot. I can't wait to feel better and get my groove back! ;)

Neil looks after the boys much of the day. I do the passive things like snuggling and reading stories and more snuggling and bedtime and tickle attacks if I get a burst of energy. And play (cars, trains, etc). Neil prepares their breakfast and lunch, and most of the time dinner as well. Like I said, amazing hubby! He does every single pooey nappy and has done for weeks. I can't remember how I used to stomach that job all the other times when he was at work, but I am so very thankful he's happy to do that for me while he's home this time! He takes the boys out for a long walk each afternoon, while I stay home and Benjamin naps. Yesterday I had a good day and only felt queasy, and I made homemade pizza (including yeast!) while they were out, and did laundry and decluttered - oh it was wonderful! It really whetted my appetite for Feeling Better Again, when that marvellous day eventually comes! I want to get stuck in to so many things, and I can't wait to stop feeling so sick all the time. BUT I am totally enjoying pregnancy, even so. I love it! :)

So, my hubble deserves an AWARD or something for how wonderful he is being. I just had to write all that in the "My Husband Rocks!" post, but I also wanted to post some photos and write briefly about another reason that he rocketh.

I think I have already covered this kind of subject in a "My Husband Rocks!" post before, but it will come up again and again - Neil is just such a fabulous daddy! :) Our eldest child is only 5, so I don't have the experience yet of seeing him playing sports with long-legged gangly pre-teen boys, or poring over shared activities or maths or something like that. But I DO know that this daddy is an expert with littlies. A baby or toddler in one arm seems like an extension of his arm, such is his ease with them, and he knows all the little expressions they make and is sensitive to what they mean and what responses they need. He knows when a tickle will fix the grumpies, or a pair of trousers tossed gently onto a 3-year-old's face during a nappy change will make him laugh instead of protesting at being taken away from his game (yes, my nearly-4-year-old is still not potty trained). He is so gentle with the little ones and can settle a reluctant napper to bed with patience, or rock a fussy baby for the 10th time in 2 hours. I honestly DO care for my children myself! ;) But I'm just saying, this man really gets involved and gives and gives and gives to his little ones. He is not perfect and he loses his temper sometimes in a stressful moment, but he is a wonderful wonderful daddy and I think he rocks! :)

These photos were taken a few weeks ago. Neil was tired one afternoon and lay down on the sofa to catch a cat nap. Benjamin wasted no time in crawling over there and pulling up at the sofa, and tired though he was, Neil lifted Benjamin up and cuddled him, and let him flap his lip for ages (you know how they do, lol!), and eventually perked right up and just enjoyed his baby boy. I especially love the first photo because of his big gentle hand laid so lovingly on Benjamin's sweet little head.











He's such a lovely daddy! I'm so thankful that he's my husband!

Very lame but short post just to say....

.... that I know it has been a month since I updated last! Oh dear! Right now I am almost 8 weeks pregnant and just really really nauseated and tired on a constant basis. I will be back! I haven't forgotten my poor old neglected blog! ;)

For memory's sake: Nathan (now 2 years and 3 months) is now talking easily and fluently, about as well as the other boys (and clearer than Matthew on many occasions), but with a much more chipmunky voice and some cute little toddler-ish pronunciations thrown in. I can hardly stand the cuteness!!!!! His sentences are just... well, complete, really. I counted the words in one of his average ones today to see how many he typically strings together, and there were 11. He doesn't miss out any words any more and uses past tense correctly most of the time. I am SURE we never had a talker until now who has SUCH A VERY chipmunky voice! I adore it! :) He is cheeky and giggles a lot (little "hee hee heeee" sounds like he's inhaled some helium!), and uses a lot of tones to show various types of humour when he talks or responds to us. He lets his eyes twinkle mischievously as well. I love that tiny little boy so much!

He has a lot of very sweet pronuncaitions, but my current favourite three are as follows:

* Weetabix = "quibbitz" (this was a couple of months ago. I think he has changed this already, sadly!)
* Ice cube = Ice Koooob (I love the way he says this one! He has a little bob to his shoulders as he says "koooob" :) )
* Turquoise = turk-wheels (this one is from today - he learned this colour this afternoon)

Benjamin is waking for a feed so I have to go, but I'll try to come back to post bits and pieces when I can!

Thank you all so much for the lovely congratulations last time I posted! xxx

Little news "flash" ;)

Okay, so first off...



... and as you probably already know,



So I'm thrilled to announce that yesterday (and today!)...



... and am officially...



Yes, that's right!...





It's a good thing...



... and that...



... and also that...



I am...





Yes, I know we will have 5 children aged 6 and under, but...



... and...



And just in case you were wondering...



(couldn't resist that one, hehe! ;) )







We could not be more thrilled!



[If you can still see to read this line (ha!), PLEASE DO NOT MENTION THIS AT FACEBOOK!]

Bible in 90 Days - Day 90!!

I DID IT!!!!!! I finished reading through the entire Bible just before 10pm tonight!! I'm sooooooooooooo proud of myself, because of how much time it has taken and how little time I have, and how behind I have been getting this past month. I didn't think I could catch up in time, but I made it - I completed the challenge in 90 days exactly!! :D

I had 3 days' readings to cover in two days (yesterday and today), so I just took all the short letters (James to Jude) in the New Testament that I hadn't read yet, for yesterday's reading, and then Revelation in its entirety today. I find Revelation quite scary, and my name is one that is written in the book of life (how incredible to be able to write that) so I shouldn't really find it scary. But I do. I can't even get my head round it!

I got so excited as I got to chapter 20 (there are 22 chapters) and my reading slowed right down because I kept getting distracted knowing there were only TWO CHAPTERS TO GO in the whole Bible! I STILL couldn't believe I would actually read the last words in the last sentence and be DONE! Even that close, I still couldn't imagine it. When I actually did read the last words, I felt absolutely euphoric! It's been the longest and most intense challenge I've taken part in that I've actually stuck at and completed - of ANY sort in my life. I thought I would probably do something like get up and do a happy dance, hehe! But instead my heart welled up with praise to God and I just lifted my hands to Him and gave Him the glory for what I had accomplished. Because it's all His! I was determined, yes, but I still couldn't have stuck at it without God motivating me and providing moments to read in my disorganised and busy days. Also the prayers and encouraging words of others (many of whom I never knew before now!) have been another provision of God to enable me to finish the challenge on time. Thank you to those who left comments here and blessed me with encouragement and prayers!! xx

I can't believe I have read the whole Bible! It's ALL in me now. I am completely changed by these last 3 months of reading. I have learned new things - too many to even assimilate myself, let alone share with others, but I need to go back and study a LOT more in much more detail.

I feel a bit at a loss of where to start or what to do next. I am praying about it, and I know God will guide me to some inspiration. I don't want to start having days where I am not in God's Word. It's a light to my path and health to my whole body, and I NEED it.

I know I am supposed to summarise at this stage - what things I got out of the Bible in 90 Days challenge, what things inspired me, what things have changed for me, and what I will take from it and where I will go from here. But right now I don't really know the answers to those questions. I feel a bit foggy of brain at this moment, and go blank when I try to think of the answers to those kinds of questions. I want to do them justice, not just say, "What did I get out of this challenge?... Uhhmm... welllll... I guess I got closer to God..." - which, don't get me wrong, would be GREAT if that was even the only thing that I got out of it! But I mean, I got SO MUCH out of it, and I just can't think of it all right now. I will try to give it some thought over the next couple of days and then come back and write a bit more about it, to finish it off.

I am just so happy!!! Thank you Lord for helping me complete the challenge on time, and thank you for your WONDERFUL Word!!! I love you more than I knew I could.

Bible in 90 Days - Monday Update (Day 88!!!)

Well, it's Day 88!! The 90-day challenge to read all the way through the Bible is almost over! The reading plan is 88 days long, so everyone who is right on track will have finished today, but (THANKFULLY!!!) the plan includes 2 "grace days" to fill the 90 days.

Last Monday when I updated, I was 5 days behind and feeling a bit discouraged. I'm so grateful for all the supportive and encouraging messages that were left after my post, because they really gave me a boost! :) Thank you!

Over the next couple of days I read 2 days worth each day, so I am now only 3 days behind, and I am obviously using the 2 grace days, which means I am a day behind!! I am supposed to be finished on Wednesday, and if I don't catch up that extra day by then, I will have to finish on Thursday. A GREAT achievement!! BUT, not what my perfectionist self wants to finish on! ;)

Tonight I am reading Day 85 and enjoying Hebrews and James. It's late and I am not in James yet, but I will read on till I finish it. Last night I finished my reading by torchlight in bed! It was late so I knew I should just go to bed, but I tossed and turned wanting to have the satisfaction of just FINISHING my reading for that day, so I clicked the torch on and read Titus and Philemon, and felt much better! :) I have really been enjoying Paul's letters. There's so much packed into them that I feel I need to go back and study each one in much more detail.

I really hope that tomorrow I will be able to read the best part of two days' worth in one day, even if it's just a day and half of reading, and then the same again the next day to finish off. I'm SO determined (desperate?!) to finish ON TIME!

Hopefully I'll have time after my reading on Wednesday (Day 90) to update here to say whether I managed it or not, although I expect I will be up pretty late reading, so maybe the next day?! I can't believe I am almost finished. I have grown to love immersing myself in the Word of God every single day, and I feel at a loose end about once I've finished. Hopefully I'll replace it with another type of Bible study very quickly, and not lose my momentum! :)